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From today's featured article
Private Eye, that's what the letters spell out on the glass to the door of my office. New York City is a tough place to make a living and if you try to sing the blues you'll quickly find out that you're not even good enough to be another voice in the choir. Down on Broadway, it's a dog eat dog world so I make a little money on the side selling milk-bone underwear to hungry tourists or anything else that makes a sound like money. Anyone who lives here can smell the rat in this cheese factory but nobody's saying anything because having morals on Broadway is like celebrating mother's day at the orphanage - It makes you feel good but everyone stares at you like a nun in a string bikini. People don't normally need a Private Eye but when their chickens come home to roost it's a little like being the only cabbage farmer in town on St. Patrick's Day. Eventually they all show up at my door with a sob story and a dirty job that'll pay the bills. (Full article...)
Did you know...
- ... that Cafeteria food (Pictured) is not generally edible?
- ... that a rose by any other name would be called something else?
- ... that The Root of All Evil is fishsticks?
- ... that back in my day, we didn't have no fancy Did you know sections on our wikis? We had to get all of our factoids from the library, like decent folk! And after we walked there barefoot across three counties 'cause bicycles hadn't been invented yet, we had to teach ourselves how to read the books - none of that fancy free-contents education you kids're all on about...
- ... that anyone who dies at Disneyland receives a free lifetime pass?
- ... that Alaska is a mooseocracy, in which citizens select a moose to lead them?
- ... that if you put an ear up to a person's leg you can hear them say, "What the fuck are you doing?"
- ... that Earth has 1 sextillion grains of sand?
In the news
- Trump launches war with Iran, is given another Peace Prize (Pictured)
- Team USA sweeps Canada in Olympic hockey; Trump renews "51st state" banter
- Want to know the next big investment? CLICK HERE! (this article is not sponsored by A.I.)
- The Andrew Formerly Known as Prince BUSTED FOR EPSTEIN CONNECTIONS!
- US Department of Health declares we should all become junk food eaters
- GEQBUS SAM DARNOLD HAS WON AN ACTUAL SUPER BOWL! VERY NICE! Take that, Josh Allen and Lamar Jackson!
- Uncyclopedia servers shit themselves for two days straight
- Tomodachi Life sequel to be released in April
- Donald Trump still really, really wants Greenland
- Alaska to pay for damages to Exxon Valdez
Ongoing: Privacy-infringing Nanny state officials enforcing social media bans and digital ID under the pretext of "think of the children!" • Fallout from the Epstein Files • War Special Combat Operation in Iran
Recent deaths: Team Canada's pride • Some nerd named Robert Carradine • Warner Bros. bidding war • Neil Sedaka • Ali Khamenei • Team Italy sled hockey
Upcoming deaths: Donald Trump • Weed • Dancin' Maduro • Iran
On this day
March 8: International Men Without Penises Day
- 4000 BC - God creates Eve, Adam celebrates that he doesn't have to keep stroking it by himself.
- 4001 BC - Eve forces Adam to sleep outside the hut after expecting free handies without anything in return.
- 1919 - Women marching on Washington, D.C. seeking the right to vote cite Oscar Wilde's play A Woman of No Importance as an example of misogynistic views.
- 1935 - Sophia blesses the women of the Earth by giving them the G-Spot, although men are cursed to never find it.
- 1978 - Your mother is born. According to statistics, she likely experiences 18-34 years of relative ease before you are born.
- 2026 - Losers on 4chan and Reddit rant about how they never got the girl of their dreams (Pictured), despite being "nice guys."
Picture of the day
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The future of proctology isn't in your hands, your hands are in it. Image credit: Serge Billault |
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