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From today's featured article
The Autoconspiracy 2000 (more commonly known as the Conspiracy Theory Generator) is a top-secret computer program built by the world's most elite historians and computer scientists for the purpose of expanding historical knowledge beyond that which would normally not be achievable by humans. The goal of the program is to map out and eventually solve every historical uncertainty by "Exploring the Infinite Chronoscape" as the program's metadata puts it.
Early versions of the Autoconspiracy can be traced back to prehistoric times, where archaeological records show evidence of some particularly clever cavemen who had studied the natural patterns of moss and of mud to explain the origins of organic material. More refined methods of discovering hidden truths came later, culminating with the final Autoconspiracy version, Autoconspiracy 2000 c. 2000. (Full article...)
Did you know...
- ... that the history of Great Britain (Pictured) is greater than Frosties?
- ... that food is probably the most addictive substance known to man? Withdrawal symptoms include nausea, hallucinations and possibly death?
- ... that the amount of cats in the area is directly proportionate to the distance from the Hot Dog factory?
- ... that much like your cancer-stricken Grandpa, the United Kingdom would rather shit the bed than accept its fate and fade into obscurity?
- ... that life is a sexually transmitted disease with a 100% fatality rate?
- ... that the bow-tie is an aphrodisiac worn by male humans which instantly increases the sexual appeal of the wearer by 16%?
- ... that Earth is the best planet in the world?
- ... that those suspicious white spots on your professor's blazer are in fact mayonnaise?
In the news
- Team USA sweeps Canada in Olympic hockey (Pictured); Trump renews "51st state" banter
- Want to know the next big investment? CLICK HERE! (this article is not sponsored by A.I.)
- The Andrew Formerly Known as Prince BUSTED FOR EPSTEIN CONNECTIONS!
- US Department of Health declares we should all become junk food eaters
- So.. about that Super Bowl..
- Bad Bunny and TPUSA offer equally heathen, equally crappy halftime shows
- GEQBUS SAM DARNOLD HAS WON AN ACTUAL SUPER BOWL!! VERY NICE! Take that, Josh Allen and Lamar Jackson!
- Next season's Super Bowl revealed to be on Valentine's Day
- Uncyclopedia servers shit themselves for two days straight
- Tomodachi Life sequel to be released in April
- Donald Trump still really, really wants Greenland
- Alaska to pay for damages to Exxon Valdez
Ongoing: Nanny state officials breaching people's privacy rights via enforcing social media bans and digital ID under the pretext of "think of the children!" • Fallout from the Epstein Files • r/TheDarnold still having a massive field day • NFL fans experiencing withdrawal symptoms with the season now over • Team Canada rethinking life
Recent deaths: Brad Arnold • NFL season • Winter Olympics • Some kid from some movie you probably forgot existed, but had a funny title • James Van Der Beek (Not Dick Van Dyke, Ashley Roberts from the Pussycat Dolls!) • Robert Duvall • Kurt Van Dyke (not Dick) • Jesse Jackson • YouTube • Tom Noonan • Eric Dane • Melania Trump's big movie star career • Team Canada hockey, twice, AND their curling team • Some Nerd named Robert Carradine
Not dead: Dick Van Dyke, who's 100, bitches!! (Not to be confused with James Van Der Beek) • Quinton Reviews
Upcoming deaths: Donald Trump • NYC's economy and snow handling capability • Weed • Dick van Dyke, eventually • Dancin' Maduro • Iran's government • The careers of everyone named in the Epstein Files • the US government, again • Warner Bros. (?) • A Las Vegas hotel that no one's going to remember • Mexico
On this day
February 24: "I don't care what day it is" Day
- 1803 - In Marbury v Madison, two men named Mr. Marbury and Mr. Madison fight each other with canes, and the Supreme Court decides who wins.
- 1863 - People on their way to California collapse from heat while traveling across the desert, and rather than dying with humanity, they found Arizona.
- 1920 - God decides today is a good day to create Nazis, a few select Germans suddenly feel an unusual aversion to international Jewry.
- 1942 - Aliens attack the city of Los Angeles! (Pictured) They're confused for Japanese soldiers due to racism.
- 1978 - Five men disappear after attending a college basketball game in California. The bodies of four of them were actually clones of the same person.
- 2007 - Japanese Prime Minister Shinzo Abe launches a spy satellite to perv on Kim Jong-un's sister, Kim Yo-jong.
- 2008 - Fidel Castro retires, spends the rest of his days smoking cigars and laughing at assassination attempts.
Picture of the day
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When it was invented, the lance with a brick on the end was considered a marvel of contemporary medieval war technology. The lance with a brick on the end made it possible for unexperienced, n00b knights to defeat 1337 knights using the old-fashioned, brick-free lances nine times out of ten. The vast superiority of the lance with a brick on the end led to its near-universal adoption within a period of less than two decades. Note that the n00b knight on the right also has an Apexi "Cat back" muffler system on his head, which is first evidence that riceboys existed as early as the 14th century. Image credit: Sunsneezer |
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