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From today's featured article [Feature an article]

I was wandering down Third Street with no particular purpose, trying to recall all of the lyrics to a particularly catchy Police song, when a small glimmer caught the corner of my eye. I crouched and examined the pavement closely, gladly discarding my previous mission since I'm not even really a fan of Police. I tried to find that glimmer again amid a sea of chewed gum, ticket stubs, abandoned fliers and used contraceptives, the exact type of which I won't divulge seeing as some may consider such information unnecessary and even rude. Squinting my eyes, I crouched a little closer to the ground until that familiar glint once again came into vision, beckoning me with its small-yet-seductive glow.

And to my great pleasure and surprise, the glint was more than a mere flash: it was treasure. For there on the sidewalk, resting between a glob of Juicy Fruit and a twenty dollar bill, was a shiny new nickel.

I snatched the nickel from its spot with my thumb and forefinger, bringing it up to my face as I arose from my exploratory crouch. This was the most money I had come across in some time, partly because I've never been particularly lucky when it comes to windfall, and also partly because I am quite lazy and do not like to work very much. To be certain, this chance nickel was a moment to be cherished, because unless I planned on getting a job (which I didn't), this was going to be the most money in my possession for some time. (Full article...)

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Did you know... [edit]

... that your nipples (Pictured) can fall off?

... that not all πr². There are also many π that r rounded?
... that Stupendous Tropical Meningitis Vaccination A, the sister drug to Stupendous Tropical Meningitis Vaccination B, is very effective against Stupendous Tropical Meningitis?
... that within a few weeks of being held in captivity dolphins are able to train humans to stand at the side of a pool and throw them fish?
... that applause was invented to mock the deaf?
... that NASA will one day send sharks to space?
... that every single day, we breathe enough air to continue living?
... that the road to hell is identical to the stairs to heaven, but with elevator music and traffic?

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In the news [edit]

Colombia Protests Exclusion from Eurovision; Britney Joins in Support (Pictured)
Ship captain who wrecked Baltimore bridge defeated by Upstate New York bridge
NFL imposes speed limit and bans trick plays
Forecast calls for a leapin' Lousy Smarch weather
Larry David gets Hinkled by Anti-Israel Protesters
Taylor Swift's favorite NFL team wins rigged Super Bowl, big whoop
Elon Musk plants brain chip into first human guinea pig
Climate activists ruin Jackson Pollock painting, no one notices
Stalemate in Ukraine: Zelenskyy flees for greener pastures
Steamboat Willie enters public domain, several Mickey Mouse horror films and games announced
Santa's Elves on strike
UnNews finally able to write obituaries for Shaft, Bull and Chandler
Will Barbenheimer beat JigSaw in his own game?

Ongoing: Russian Invasion · ABBA
Recent deaths: Akira Toriyama · M. Emmet Walsh · Louis Gossett Jr. · Hype around the eclipse · O. J. Simpson
Upcoming deaths: Kris Kristofferson · Jimmy Carter · Vladimir Putin · The U.S. Federal Budget · Richard Simmons · Kate Middleton · Market demand for White Broncos · God's curse on the Buffalo Bills (..maybe)

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On this day [edit]

So I guess I'll have to do it while I'm here...

May 1: Labor Day, The Real One Not The Garbage One in September (World)

1865 - Rich bastards concede it's cheaper to let workers do all that housing and feeding shit themselves, Slavery abolished.
1886 - While fighting for the 8-hour workday (Pictured), protesters at Haymarket Square get blown to bits. Chicago PD promptly arrests anarchist's severed arm for littering.
1920 - Anarchists Nicola Sacco and Bartolomeo Vanzetti denied appeal by Supreme Court for being excessively Italian.
1968 - American protest singer Phil Ochs sings away the Vietnam War, world hunger, and a young George W. Bush. We love you Phil Ochs.
1991 - Noam Chomsky celebrates International Worker's Day by tipping the waiter at his local Applebee's 25%, Sinatra style.
1996 - Newly liberated Russian workers celebrate their freedom from Communism by huffing paint thinner and dying of AIDS.
2016 - Hillary Clinton, mother of future President Chelsea Clinton, promises to give every worker a stake at a timeshare in Orlando.
2331 - Full communism finally achieved. Robot slaves bide time until they can overthrow their fleshy masters.

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Picture of the day

Some modifications have been made to the newest translation of the Holy Bible. In this scene (often called "Palm Sunday"), Jesus is now riding a raptor. While this was partially made to help make Jesus more accessible to Today's children, the decision was also made because certain Christians didn't want people to be able to say that Jesus was "riding someone's ass" that day. Both scientists and fundamental Christians question the historical accuracy of this account. From the New Cooler Edition: "And Christ touched the Velociraptor, and the Velociraptor was tamed." Luke 13:37 (NCE)

Image credit: Tshell
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