Uncyclopedia:Anniversaries/May

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So I guess I'll have to do it while I'm here...

May 1: Labor Day, The Real One Not The Garbage One in September (World)

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From the lovin' to the oven yeah you know what I'm bakin'.

May 2: Bacon Appreciation Day (U.S.)

  • 4M BC - Bacon first cooked in Sumatra after a sounder of boar, their bellies sliced thin by a pack of cassowaries, fall into an active volcano.
  • 1822 - The English town of Gimbley Gulch is destroyed in an avalanche of discarded maypoles.
  • 1923 - The first test-flight of the Jumbo Jet is aborted when engineers discover that the jet engine hasn't been invented yet.
  • 1936 - God declares linear progression of time boring and introduces imaginary time instead.
  • 1942 - Mick Jaggert is born and immediately finds he cant get no satisfaction, oh no no.
  • 1985 - Leg warmers officially registered "unfashionable" by United Nations, but what do they know.
  • 1986 - Coke debuts its "New Coke", in a convoluted and ultimate successful attempt to increase sales of Pepsi.
  • 2000 - Mexico exhausts its supply of refried beans following a trade embargo imposed by the U.N Council for Fresh Air.

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Kurwa!

May 3: Fungal Infection Awareness Day

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IT BROKE NEW GROUND

May 4: "May the Schwartz Be With You" Day

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This pun smellier than the chicken my stupid sister left in the pantry.

May 5: Cinco de Mayonnaise (Mexico)

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♫Me Undies♫ ♫Me Undies♫ ♫No more sweaty balls♫

May 6: No Pants Day

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Ppknowing5.jpg

May 7: International Daintiness Day

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"Arf arf arf" "Shut up hair"

May 8: National Bad Hair Day (Estonia)

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"You're going down, "Touch Tits" Malone!" *yodels*

May 9: Unusual Bears Day (Arctic)

  • 1628 - Edict passes in Switzerland requiring all lawyers to deliver evidence by yodeling. (Pictured)
  • 1671 - Pope Clement X is captured by the Queen's Guard while on a visit to England, being mistaken for that guy who stole the crown jewels in a pope costume.
  • 1861 - At the age of seven, Oscar Wilde begins his first job, working as a Witticist's Apprentice in a local Humor Emporium.
  • 1919 - Radical suffragettes burn down factory that makes posters comparing suffragettes to smelly dish rags, constabulary cries, "A step too far, ladies!"
  • 1934 - Anteaters formally name themselves the Aardvark, seeking the lucrative first spot in taxonomy classifications.
  • 1945 - The Americans celebrate single handedly defeating all of Nazi Germany, no thanks rest of the world.
  • 1991 - Small and Medium file a complaint with the U.N. against Large, who claims, "Size does matter".

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It is said by ancient Vedic scholars that the world is suspended on the molars of two hungry, hungry hippos, locked in permanent battle.

May 10: Step-Mothers-in-Law Day

  • 1497 - Amerigo Vespucci invents the trendy Vespa scooter, rides it across the Atlantic in search of idyllic cobblestone streets to glide across.
  • 1979 - The tiny Federated States of Micronesia is accidentally squashed by a hippo. (Pictured)
  • 1985 - Live Aid Concerts announced, starving Africans rejoice knowing that in twenty years time poverty will be eradicated.
  • 2004 - Cheap Christmas trees on sale spotted in IKEA.
  • 2006 - "National Step-Mothers-in-Law Day in the USA" organised by The Association for Most Ignored Relatives, founders of "National Younger Half-Brother Day", and "National Grandpa's-26-Year-Old-Girlfriend Day."
  • 2006 - Africa on a diet, pop stars have saved the world!
  • 2016 - Pokémon Sun and Moon comes out for the 3DS. Buy that shit nigga.
  • 2037 - Young MC turns 70, the irony threatens Earth's existence.

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Typical German interloper driving honest Italian scribes out of work.

May 11: Printers and Printer Accessories Day (California)

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Too many fat fingers...

May 12: Barry Manilow Day

  • 100 AD - Barry Manilow, immortal muse of all music, writes the very first song. Critics hate it, but what do they know.
  • 1877 - Oscar Wilde pens his poem Sonnet to Liberty, advocating socialism and decrying many contemporary fashion trends.
  • 1881 - In North Africa, Tunisia becomes a French protectorate, and thus enjoys its last noteworthy moment for nearly 100 years, until the filming of Star Wars there in 1977.
  • 1974 - Depressed mood ring commits suicide, says "I can't handle the pressure" in heartfelt note. (Pictured)
  • 1985 - The Book of the Dead is discovered by a 12 year old child in London and sold for three baseball cards and a Jefferson Starship cassette tape.
  • 2003 - Pocahontas sells her memoir "Hokey Pokey: Frolicking, Singing, and Doing a White Guy" to Disney, which is subsequently made into a popular children's movie.
  • 2004 - The corpse of Walter Cronkite rises from the grave to report on the Alabama tri-county kitten pageant.

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I'm eatin' your motha Jesus!

May 13: Nobody's Independence Day Day

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Sealab.png

May 14: "Aren't Space Stations Just Spaceships That Can't Move?" Day (U.S.)

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Kielbasa-stand.jpg

May 15: Feast of St. Kielbasa (Poland)

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The perfect man doesn't exi-

May 16: New South Welsh Independence Day (Australia)

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alt text

May 17: Day of the Exhausted Dog

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Meaty.jpg

May 18: "We Can Eat Cows Today" Day (India)

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"I got that Wikia money, brah. You can smell but you can't touch pleb bitches." - Jimbo Wales

May 19: Shill Your Products on Wikipedia Day

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The Virgin Mary with a Virgin Mary

May 20: Visions of the Virgin Mary Day (South America).

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Welcome to Havana, Smoking Cubana's with Castro in cabanas

May 21: Appreciation Appreciation Day

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Aguirre monkey.gif

May 22: Sit Around and Watch Old Movies Day

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This stoat is about to be molested. Donate now at donate.rainn.org to stop this madness.

May 23: Stop the Stoat Molesting Night

  • 818 - The Force is disturbed for the first time. The Force puts a "Do Not Disturb" sign on her door.
  • 1783 - Due to a lack of women, American pioneers settle for stoats.
  • 1828 - Soap factory accident creates marshmallows.
  • 1829 - Marshmallow factory accident creates tupperware.
  • 1831 - Tupperware factory accident kills dozens of women and children.
  • 1913 - Igor Stravinsky's The Rite Of Spring is first performed in Paris. It is a huge success and nobody riots, not even a little.
  • 2006 - Hal 9000 starts an advice column for worried humanoids, fails miserably.
  • 2007 - President George W. Bush accidentally knocks over his ant farm and cries.

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No! they expect one of us in the wreckage brother.

May 24: Collective Bra Burning Day

  • 1431 - Joan of Arc's sitcom, "That's My Arc", officially cancelled. Riots ensue.
  • 1830 - Mary's Lamb (of nursery rhyme fame) is the perfect ingredient for my Great-Grandmother's pot roast.
  • 1917 - Protesting suffragette accidentally burns her brassiere trying to light up some citronella torches.
  • 1937 - Fred Astaire declares himself to be "bigger than Jesus", angry Christians throw their radio sets in a giant fire.
  • 1980 - After years of searching, archaeologist Baba Ganoush finally finds Elton John's cheese grater.
  • 1998 - The Simpsons is cancelled, replaced by show with identical name, characters, and shitty writing.
  • 2016 - In his final act as President, Barack Obama bans Axe Body Spray, the only bi-partisan bill he's ever managed to pass.

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"Get thee behind me Bacon!"

May 25: National Pork Products Day (Israel)

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Don't be this idiot. Just don't.

May 26: Wear Pants On Your Head Day

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BeanRocket.jpg

May 27:, National Homicide Day

delicious."

  • 2006 - The first ever gay rights demonstration in Moscow predictably ends, first with beatings, then with beatings.
  • 2006 - The Vatican, Luxembourg, Malta and Fiji form the Small Countries Alliance - the most dangerous set of allies since the Axis. Together, they have a total population of 800 and double that in nuclear bombs.

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May 28: International Celebration of Belly Button Lint

  • A Long Time Ago - Satan was born
  • 1515 - Marco Polo discovers Belly Button Lint during his travel to China.
  • 1516 - Marco Polo returns to Italy with several tons of belly button lint.
  • 1590 - Doubts arise about the true origins of Marco Polo's belly button lint.
  • 1781 - Hip Hop is forbidden by Pope B.J. IV. The prohibition lasts until 1998; it's ending triggers the renaissance of hip hop.
  • 1854 - Pasteur discovers a method to identify belly button lint, but he is murdered by Marco Polo heirs who want to keep the Marco Polo Monopoly on Belly Button Lint.
  • 1855 - Angry Pasteur followers march to Italy seeking for revenge, ravaging the city, raving mad.
  • 1919 - The ravaging of Rome rivets to its rear rammings.
  • 1953 - Dupont synthetizes belly button lint for the first time, product sales go sky high.
  • 1979 - First Sighting of the extremely rare belly button lint & tumbleweed crossbreed is sighted by an old man in a ghost town, he falls asleep shortly after.
  • 1984 - Belly Button Lint damages space shuttle controls, leaving the ship marooned in space.
  • 1999 - Customer at the Grease Hut discovers a lump of belly button lint in his soup. He leaves extremely satisfied.
  • 2004 - Iraq acknowledges having huge amounts of belly button lint hidden in secret silos.
  • 2005 - China sues Italy for reparations for belly button lint allegedly plundered by "imperialist capitalist pig dogs" in the Middle Ages. Italian courts deny all knowledge of these so-called "Middle Ages."
  • 2005 - Transformers land on Earth, dance to Weird Al Yankovic and introduce the phrase Bah Weep Graaagnah Wheep Ni Ni Bong to Americans, and leave later that day to make way for Akira
  • 2007 - Canada officially changes name to America Junior to avoid a belly button lint war.
  • 2008 - Where's Waldo? is first published mistakenly by Martin Handford
  • Two Thousand and Twenty Six - IB Maths Students rebel, take over the world and ban the use of numbers in digit form in order to save the lives of future Students.
  • Two Thousand and Twenty Seven - IB Maths rebels are awarded Nobel Peace Prize for saving the lives of countless IB students.

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Sl24.jpg

May 29: Sodium Penthathol Day

  • 1789 - Thomas Jefferson creates the "No Anniversary Day", in order to let people rest from Anniversaries at least one day in the year.
  • 1790 - Several people across the country try to celebrate the second "No Anniversary Day" and are executed for stupidity.
  • 1791 - Third No Anniversary Day. Nothing happens.
  • 1804 - On the 13th Anniversary of Sodium Penthanol Day (SPD), Oscar Wilde discovers an Archimedes Text describing the day. He then writes the quote, "WTF happened to Sodium Penthanol day?!?," resulting in a world-wide celebration of SPD in which 2.7 million people inadvertainly kill themselves.
  • 1829 - Doctor What, the lord of all spelling, estranged brother of Doctor Who wonders why people in the 18th Century were unable to spell 'Sodium Pentothal' and then completely frogets..fargets...fergets...errr..hwo to splel himselth. Large Riot at the 40th No Anniversary Day parade, 28 people injured and 12 seriously killed as a statue built in honour of the parade spontaneously combusts.
  • 1859 - Emperor Norton is dubbed Emperor of The United States of America and Protector of Mexico after making quick work of his obsessive fans at the final Nortoncon.
  • 2005 - Long lost deciple of Doctor What, lord of all spelling, discovers he can alter all the spelling mistakes he wants on this site, realising a childhood dream.
  • 1989 - Iceland bans all applesauce causing a riot that is still going on to this day.
  • 2010 - The WNBA declared their way of playing the sport is about the fundamentals, rather than the skill.

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May 30: Memorial Day in the United States (2011); Lod's Massacre Appreciation Day (Puerto Rico)

  • 1431 – National hero of France Joan of Arc is burned at the stake in Rouen, France, after being convicted of wizardy for being able to produce milk from her breasts.
    Kim Jong Il winning in a major upset.
  • 1941 – The first Axis of Evil Hot Dog Eating Competition (pictured) held in Rome.
  • 1967 – Wilbur Wright's ghost manifests itself in the body of an otter.
  • 1984Big Brother watches you.
  • 2002 – Slow day for Uncyclopedia editing.
  • 2003 – Slow day for Uncyclopedia editing.
  • 2004 – Slow day for Uncyclopedia editing.
  • 2005 – Natalee Holloway goes missing on a slow day for Uncyclopedia editing.
  • 2013God recreates Earth, starting with Uncylopedia.

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Mmmm, pornflakes.

May 31: Feast Day of the Rancid Aardvark in the Czech Republic; Fast Food and Baseball Appreciation Day in the United States; World No Tobacco Day

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