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From today's featured article [Feature an article]

The People's Republic of China is a pivotal support mechanism for the retail industry worldwide, although some believe they may have their own agenda.

China is populated by perhaps the most resourceful hardworking people on Earth, yet despite some of the strictest social engineering known to man, the Chinese still hog all the best quality crab legs in the buffet rather than waiting in an orderly line. Chinese moms force their babies to play violin until their fingers bleed; the dumb ones learn viola instead. Also, they put a fuck-ton of MSG in their food, which is actually pretty tasty.

Everything was invented in China, including gunpowder, paper, the compass, opium, pandas, panda-huffing devices, avian flu, SARS, bat recipes, COVID-19, USA's debt, Amazon Prime and CCTV; you name it, they invented it before anyone else. They also invented rhino horn aphrodisiac powder, Confucianism (a severely autistic, highly regimented version of Filial Piety), kidney harvesting and the Wu Tang Clan. While they didn't invent babies, they do mass produce them deep inside the VaChina. Bada bing! The male babies are then sent to work producing industrial glycine, and the female ones are sent to the streaming mines to post pirated clips of TV shows, except the captions are wrong and the video gets horizontally flipped every 2.7 seconds. (Full article...)

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Did you know... [edit]

... that the Washington Niggers (Pictured) are set to change their name?

... that your boss is behind you watching you waste time?
... that if you were to stack up all the elephants on Earth, those elephants would die?
... that contrary to popular belief, she never actually sold seashells by the seashore?
...that you... you should have gone for my head? Oh Snap!
... that the sound of a kitten falling into a wood chipper is still more pleasant than listening to Kidz Bop?
... that Phonics (pronounced Pa-hon-iks.) is one of the deadliest and most addictive drugs on the streets? It is said to get children "hooked" in four weeks or your money back.
... that Afghanistan is known for its lush dirt farms, where dirt and dust are cultivated by villagers to enhance the scenic emptiness for which the region is known?

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In the news [edit]

Goodbye, pennies...

Trump kills the penny after realizing spending four cents on a one cent coin isn't the best idea
Russian AI powered humanoid robot faceplants on stage in front of crowd
Syrian National Museum gets robbed of six to seven Roman statues
Cloudy windy Hurricane Melissa hits da Jamaica, mon!
United Kingdom sends Royal Airforce “specialists” to Belgium to fight Russian drones “invading” airports
A new candidate enters the upcoming 2028 presidential race
US government shitdown ends after over 1000 flights inundated with shit
New York City goes full Commie, elects Zohran Mamdani as mayor
Los Angeles Dodgers win World Series with lucky bullshit, become the Kansas City Chiefs of baseball
Dingo eats a woman's baby
Interview: A Brief Chat About Uncyclopedia with Uncyclopedian and Lucky star.
Indy police: former NFL quarterback Mark Sanchez literally butt-fumbles in real life
Trump receives COVID vaccine despite supporters making their entire personalities being against it for years
The US government shits itself

Ongoing: The wait for GTA VI, Stranger Things 5 and Spaceballs 2 • Russia-Ukraine "peace talks" • ICE/Antifa clashes • Trump and Elon's couples therapy • Jerry Jones screwing the Dallas Cowboys • The Andrew Formerly Known as Prince • Rich New Yorkers fleeing "Mamdani the Commie"

Recent deaths: YouTube player's old design • the guitarist and a security guard from KISS • June Lockhart • Nick Mangold • Jamaica • Toronto Blue Jays' World Series dreams • Donna Godchaux • Diane Ladd • Dick Cheney • Mark Butt-fumble's TV career • U.S. Government shutdown (finally!) • Tatsuya Nakadai • Sally Kirkland • The penny

Upcoming deaths: Eurovision Song Contest • DEI • Iran's nuclear program • Diddy's bank account • MSNBC • Donald Trump • Coral reefs • NYC's capitalistic economy • Bills Mafia's livers and kidneys after losing horribly to the Miami Dolphins • Weed • Stranger Things

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On this day [edit]

I will eat your soullllllllll.... soulllllllllllll.... soulllllllllll.... MUAHAHHAHAHAHAHAHHAHA

November 16: Feast of Saint Bukkake (Japan)

1776 - American Revolutionary War: Hessian mercenaries capture Fort Washington from the Patriots. Startled revolutionaries say, "what the fuck is a Hessian"?
1960 - Clark Gable passes away. Frankly my dear, I don't give a damn.
2001 - Elmo (pictured) goes on a killing spree, attacking and consuming 23 children attending a Sesame Street convention.
2005 - The annual banquet the Feast of Saint Bukkake was cut short after the star of the feast declared "I'm full"!

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God is pissed.

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