User:Starnestommy/Math
“Math is nothing more than the lesbian sister to biology.”
Math is the complex theory that if two bits are one way, the other bits will be another way, except for when there are three bits, or five bits, in which case they will be a completely different way. Utter nonsense.
Warning: If ever two bits and five bits should equal the same thing, then you must phone your local poison control center immediately. Or you math teacher. Which ever is closer.
Despite Patton's efforts to understand the complicated formula, he finally gave up trying to figure a way to explain it to the common man, and angrily gave it back to Jesus a day later.
Controversy[edit | edit source]
Math has been criticized for having secret conspiratorial meetings with such nefarious characters as Gorge W. Bush, Oprah, Dr. Frankenstein, and Oscar Wilde; it should be noted that Math has also been criticized for being too difficult. Much of the controversy over Math has been on Algebra (and his cousins: Pre-Algebra, Algebra II and Linear Algebra), who seems to have been involved with a cult called the Math Department, which maintains that suicide is an effective way to prevent teachers from having to actually do any work, and thus the best lifestyle choice for most teens. In fact, in the past few years, Algebra's sordid past has caused such a stir amongst the Math community, such as the famous snubbing of the entire Algebra family by Calculus, Geometry, Statistics, and Ralph Waldo Emerson (Arithmetic chose to stay out of the conflict only because she was visiting her sister-in-law, Biology, at the time); that Algebra was called in for conference with the leader of the Math Department and was dismissed. Another common barb against Math is that nobody uses it (with the exception of a few very confused construction workers, who refer to themselves as "Accountants").
Math's Heyday[edit | edit source]
At the rise of its popularity,Math was able to do anything it wanted. There were no government restrictions to what Math was able to do. Using Math, it became dangerously easy to prove that keyboardists were gay.
Chaos ensued as girls on web-cams everywhere struggled to figure out whether they should put beer or shoe on their heads.
This, of course, was absolutely disastrous for existentialists such as Nietzsche, Barry Bonds, and George W. Bush who took great measures to try and eradicate Math. At least five recorded attempts of assassinations were noted during Math's existence. Bonds was indicted on several counts of molestation and strangling, and Nietzsche was found guilty of several other murders not related to Math (see: God). George Bush is currently engaged in a bitter "War on Mathematics" as he struggles to figure out how to add 23 to 42. As the casualties continue to multiply, Mathematics becomes an even more deadly foe and opressor of freedom.
Soon, it became obvious that government intervention was necessary to control the abuse of Math. Popular equations that became outlawed:
Even though these were outlawed, a new device called a calculator helped people use these equations without the government knowing.
Another useful invention which helped to propel Math into a state of euphoria was the imaginary number. Shortly after the discovery of this class of numbers, purveyors of them realized that ALL numbers actually are imaginary anyway, so then they had to spend all kinds of effort stroking each other's egos over rigorous definitions and so-called "proofs" of the non-existent facts. This caused many to go completely insane and become molesters, scofflaws, drunks, junkies, and all manner of menaces to society. Most are unemployed and virtually homeless to this day.
The Fall of Math[edit | edit source]
Math was finally laid to rest on January 21, 2001. After several years of over-zealous government banning of Math, it was finally exiled from the United States, and banned from all EU nations as well. Stuck in Mexico, with no food or relatives, it stayed alive for approximately eighteen days, living on only Pita bread, Agave cactus, and desert buttons. These buttons gave Math incredible visions in its last few days of life. Several important equations came to Math these days, and are regarded as the most vital equations to the furthering of the human race itself.
However, these equations were stolen by US international operative Sam Fisher shortly after Math died, and were never revealed to the public.
Math is buried in the Arlington Cemetery in Moscow, Russia. Its tombstone bears the factual inscription .
New Math[edit | edit source]
Math was replaced by New Math by people who are stupid, yet wanted to move ahead after Math fell. This lead to New science and other things as well. New Math proves that Enron showed a profit and not a loss, and that PI equals exactly three (and is therefore rational), and shows without a doubt that Evolution is false. The dawn of a new age has begun, with the fall of Math, and the rise of New Math to replace it.
The War on Math[edit | edit source]
In 2004, following George W. Bush's successful bid for re-election, the administrations "War on Math and Science" was announced. Due to the growing unpopularity with "The War on Terror" and "The War for Oil", the Bush Administration devised a strategy to gain popularity with small schoolchildren and to strengthen it's support from high school dropouts. Hence "The War on Math and Science" was created. Roots of this war on Math can be traced back to the 2000 election. Popular statements made by the President since then include: "Mathmatication is hard" and "I can never rememberize how to do long division."
As of January 1st, 2006, America is reported to be winning the "War on Math and Science", with only 1,337 men lost (this figure does not include members of the Catholic Church, duck farmers, cartoon characters, professional actors, previously dead people, or small animals).
Not surprisingly, no women whatsoever have died in the "War on Math and Science". This is attributed to the fact that Tupperware sales have gone down and sales of Prozac have gone up.
Recently, a small group of Parkway North High School Students have banded together in an attempt to destroy the Evil that is Math once and for all. The head of this organization, known for his public statement of "I would go gay for John Petrucci", is an 11th degree blackbelt in every martial art imagineable, which he obtained from Chuck Norris at the age of -5, while in the womb. Thus far, he has been successful in eliminating twenty-eight, seventy-three, and one-trillion-eight-hundred-seventy-three-billion-two-million-nine-hundred-ninety-four-thousand-two-hundred-sixty-five from existence. Anyone who says any of these numbers must immediately be hung on a high ceiling by their toenails and beaten summarily with a large, iron rod. This rod is to be twenty-nine-minus-one inches in length.
Factions of Math[edit | edit source]
Math is constructed like a giant jigsaw puzzle, with many different colors, the orange Pre-Algebra, the blue Algebra (with pink sub piece Linear Algebra), the relentless green-red Calculus, the blue-green-white striped Arithmetic and the infamous black-white checkered logic. These are combined by the golden rule; that when one type of Math contradicts the other, the Supreme Court will decide which is the correct according to the laws of physics.
Legends[edit | edit source]
It has been said that because 3 + 4 is much more than -1, so must the stars burn out before we can ascend into the sky with our extraterrestrial brothers and sisters to our true homes among what are commonly known as the stars. By extension, chaos is greater than 23565. It has also been rumored that pi is delicious and lasts a long time. Many people dont do math 'cause it hard.
Another legend is that if you had a huge number of monkeys sitting at typewriters, typing randomly, then given "enough" time, they would be absolutely certain to eventually reproduce a work of William Shakes-his-spear (or anyone else, for that matter) exactly.
Mathematic Terrorists[edit | edit source]
Currently featured at the top of the U.S. Top Most Wanted List:
- The terrorist group Al Gebra, for instating terror with their weapons of math instruction. They are headed by the leader known as Osum of Bin Adden
- Radicals and Irrationals, angry at the world for saying that if they are Negative on the inside, they might turn Imaginary.
- Douglas R. Hofstadter, a crazy duck farmer who writes weird books about things like "the number P," which he defines as "the number of minutes per day that HE spends thinking about the number P," which he claims to do mostly while shaving.
If you see any of the above people, please call the following toll-free number: 1-800-DEATH-TO-MATHEMATICAL-TERRORISTS
Math: Agent of Devil Music[edit | edit source]
In the early 60's, geeky D&D nerds dropped their 40-sided die and turned their numeric fixations towards the world of harmonics (admittedly shaky territory for pastey white people). Over night, intensely complex syncopations and constant time-signature switching became pop standards, as Math (Death, Black, etc.) Metal swept the UK, Spain, and parts of Canadia. And America too.
One young man destined to rise to the high of Math Metal Core Hard Post Core was called Geddy "The Machete" Lee, who gained wide recognition for combining elements of the "two-hand tapping" guitar technique with the quadratic formula. While playing a gig at a local Comp USA, Lee met fellow nerd musician Neil "I Own Every Cymbal Ever Created" Peart. The two formed a love affair best described by Lee himself:
| “ | But the oaks cant help their feelings If they like the way theyre made and they wonder why the maples Cant be happy in their shade? |
” |
As one can clearly see, Black Math Death Metal Grind Core™ makes people gayer.
See Also[edit | edit source]
Spelling[edit | edit source]
The word Math (from the word mathematics which is from the French Mathematique, from the Latin extrarius, meaning unrelated) is one of the many things America has done to ruin the world. Every proper english person knows the real word is Maths, the S emphasising it's all around superiority of the world.