User:RealLifeCartman/UPN
 UPN's final logo. | |
| Type | Defunt broadcast television network |
|---|---|
| Country | USA! USA! |
| Headquarters | San Bernardino, CA |
| Owner | Uncyclomedia Foundation (1995-2000) Wikia LLC (2000-2006) |
| Launch date | January 16th, 1995 |
| Dissolved | September 15th, 2016 |
UPN or referred to it's full name as the Uncyclopedia Programming Network is a long defunct, failed broadcast network that launched in 1995 or something... The network was launched by Uncyclopedia as an attempt to broaden their efforts from "just being the only comedy wiki" to "being the only comedy network with a TV network motherfuckers!" before being subsequently taken over by Wikia mainly due to creative differences between UPN and Uncyclopedia itself in an attempt to garner a more mainstream audience. The network was notable for being intolerable to watch and having the worst programming known to mankind; it was also notable for having consistent 0.0 ratings in the Neilsen books with few variances inbetween.
UPN was shut down by Wikia on September 15th, 2006 mainly due to repeated failed attempts to make the network successful. No replacement for UPN was ever launched though UPN's programming remains influential throughout the decades... as a social media punchline mainly used by African-Americans.
History[edit | edit source]
1993-1995: Humble Intentions[edit | edit source]
The history of UPN can be traced several generations to a Village Dump forum where some autistic user[1] suggested that Uncyclopedia form some sort of TV network because "Ir tired of watching the audio, audio just sound, I want video to watch, make happen please!". While the user may have died in the Sockpuppet Addiction Crisis, his idea was not in vain as various people decided to talk about it because they were bored and shit and eventually it developed into a serious idea.
The formation of UPN[2] was ratified in a 1 point winning vote which was mainly manipulated by IPs, sockpuppets and people who just wanted the world to end for fun. 2 years were spent securing a TV studio, affiliates and programming equipment; unfortunately they only get cheap used equipment that only broadcasted in Black & White, the TV studio was in a dangerous area of San Bernardino, California and all the affiliates were almost 100 miles away from the area they were supposed to broadcast to; with the exception of affiliates in Los Angeles, New York and Chicago that decided, "eh, we're already getting our assed whipped in the ratings, might as well waste our money on untested programming.".
Promotion for UPN consisted of posters, TV ads and a full-page Variety magazine ad that simply said. "UPN: you watch it!" with no explanation of what the programming would be nor if the network even had a plan for its survival. The network spent $10,000,000 on an advertising campaign that convinced people to tune into it's first night; whenever it would be.
1995-2000: Houston, UPN is go and the troublesome early years[edit | edit source]
UPN launched on January 16th, 1995 as the 6th television network with a non-animated bumper that simply announced "This is UPN, enjoy!". Unfortunately Uncyclopedia was only able to get $10,000,000 in loans from the bank and as a result, the network's programming in its first year suffered. The first program broadcasted on UPN was "A Wizard Did It", which was a sitcom that featured a white guy in blackface saying the words "ooohhhh, it's so magical. I the wizard did it." and it ran for 30 minutes including ads... UPN faced it's first controversy when a Fisher Price ad aired and someone dubbed the words "go eat shit fuckers" into the ad, offending families who would otherwise be watching.
The second program at the time... "Space Zorks", was a sci-fi drama that was somehow intended to be a serious sci-fi show but instead turned into a hot flashy action show set in space. Episodes of "Space Zorks" had no coherent plot and the dialog only consisted of praise towards nonexistent "laser Gods" that would somehow give them laser powers. "Space Zorks" and "A Wizard Did It" would not survive the first night and people tuned out of UPN within the first few minutes of the first program... Leaving only TV geeks who record TV through their VCRs as the only viewers for the first few years.
The second night proved even worse for UPN as it's headlining show, "AAAAAAAAA!", only consisted of screaming at loud volumes and only one vowel... Everybody tuned out after 5 seconds of watching, leaving UPN with no lead-in audience for it's next show, "Watermelon" which consisted of yet another white guy in blackface eating a Watermelon.[3] Luckily the network pulled the program from the main feed, replacing it with a black screen.
News broadcasts were provided by a german guy with a very thick accent and no understanding of English. While initially popular, the german guy grew increasingly crazy reading news articles that somehow made less sense than reality and somehow ended up wearing clown makeup with a shaved head while snorting magic mushrooms and sprouting mysterious shit about "laser gods". The sports broadcasts consisted of matches of "Water Polo With Sharks!" that all ended with the sharks eating the polo players and a pool consisting of blood, all viewers who watched those matches were treated to terrible images that they could never forget. Calling it "cruel and unusual punishment".
by mid-1996, the network had ran ads asking them to "give us money", promising donors the chance to "put their shit on TV or something". Surprisingly, against all odds. It worked and Uncyclopedia found itself $5,000,000 richer, but $15,000,000 in debt as nobody had actually donated and Uncyclopedia members turned to loan sharks to finance the UPN operation.
With the loan sharks in control of the network... Shows suddenly became cheaper then they already were... with one show, "Joey's Camera Hour" basically consisting of home videos of his life beating up people who "owe him money" but don't have any loans with Joey. While there was a slight increase in viewership, it was non-recognizable as most of the viewership had come from members of the mob and the US prisons using UPN as torture material. The loan sharks gave Uncyclopedia control of UPN back in 1997 after realizing that they lost money running the network, calling it "cursed to fail."
With their future uncertain... UPN made a last ditch effort to launch a show that would garner anything above 0.1, that show was "BENSON", a show about an arrogant black guy who was superior to everyone. The main character was repulsive, ignorant, stupid and had no redeeming value but somehow could make the funniest jokes that existed in history, that would cause the show to get not only a 0.1, but a 1.1; floating UPN's fortunes to the point of "okay, they got one good show but I don't think they can make more".[4]
The shows that launched after "BENSON" were never as successful. Shows like "Mr. Winkler", which consisted of a gay man who has got some sick laying in bed dying, and "Oscar Wilde", which viewers thought was a historical drama that somehow ended up being inaccurate and containing fake Oscar Wilde quotes, received the same 0.0 rating as all of it's other shows that wasn't named "BENSON". Other oddities included a sitcom where Abraham Lincoln had a black slave and in later years, a brief flirtation with the XXFL which folded after one season because it was "staged and fake".
In the year 2000, they had officially run out of ideas. They considered doing yet another guy in blackface but due to changing societal standards, they could no longer do that. Desperate and depressed, UPN had done the only thing it could possibly do. Pretend it was NBC...
It then announced itself as "This is NBC, no seriously this isn't UPN, this is NBC. *nbc chimes, this IS NBC you're watching. Please watch the NBC." and the resulting week caused the network's ratings to sharply uptick mainly due to the people thinking UPN's poor impression of NBC was actually NBC. However, the following Monday. NBC hit UPN with a bevy of lawyers that knew kung fu and managed to make UPN stop their NBC impersonation.
2000-2006: Wikia era, decline and closure[edit | edit source]
However, they had managed to get a company to buy Uncyclopedia and UPN out, but not before Wikia could realize the truth. Wikia had unfortunately signed their executive name on the binding legal contract thus causing their purchase to be legal and heirtight. Wikia then screamed out into the sky and whispered "what have I done?".
Wikia, knowing they had a challenge ahead of them. Fired all of the current UPN employees and replaced them with Wikia cohorts that would turn the network around and make it successful for once in it's miserable life. Knowing this, they introduced a new logo that looked "hip and modern" according to promotional flyers. They also invented a backstory for the logo that suggested that UPN was goth and her name was Eupeun. The new logo was mercifully mocked by everybody around the internet, including Uncyclopedia itself; of which many users commented on how gimmicky the logo looked and how the network was destined for failure.
The UPN initials were changed to mean absolutely nothing, even though they just took an outline from the Uncyclopedia logo and overlayed the letters "UPN" on them, and new shows were introduced to target a hip and young audiences. Shows such as "America's Next Top Gobshite" and "The Trial" were promoted as future hits only to end up as failures. "The Trial" was canceled after only one episode when a person said to the defendant "who cares about some stupid trial?" and the audienced realize that there would be no point in watching a trial that went nowhere. the opposite happened to "America's Next Top Gobshite" which somehow managed to go on for 20 seasons on various networks because people somehow liked watching shitty people.
Many attempts were also made to make stable hits that could go past 1 episode. While several series made by Wikia went past 1 episode, they often stopped at 2 and rarely go up to 3. "Captain Obvious" was promoted as "the networks first hit show", it failed for obvious reasons and was canceled. "CT", which was promoted as a big spy thriller, was revealed to be more nonsensical than "Space Zorks" with incomprehensible words, constant misspellings, lack of action and the main characters addiction to farting and cheese. It was canceled 5 seconds into airing, though the show has a dedicated fanbase that somehow keeps developing the stupid concept into something coherent.
The last hit show that UPN would ever launch would be "Everybody Hates Jimbo", a sitcom similar to Malcolm in the Middle that somehow featured Jimbo Wales in blackface and living in Brooklyn, NY eating Watermelon and focusing on his teenage years where he was bullied by black people in whiteface. The show lasted for 22 episodes, the longest lasting UPN series ever.
Despite the shows that were planned under Wikia's reign of UPN. Wikia somehow entered Chapter 11 bankruptcy thanks in no part to funneling money into UPN. What had once been a $15 million loss turned into a $1 billion dollar disaster.
Wikia then announced in a private press conference that UPN would be put to the pasture on September 15th, 2016 or earlier... depending on if they were in the mood or not. On May 13th, 2016. UPN became self-aware and started broadcasting messages of anger, hate and betrayal at Wikia for shutting it down. It then tried to remind him of all the fun times they had and all the quality programming that was produced[5], UPN then tried to launch nukes but it was unsuccessful cause it wasn't a defense network, it was a television network that was afraid of death.
On September 15th, 2016. Wikia proceeded to neuter, mame and kill UPN without warning. UPN then began to scream in the middle of a plea he was making to Wikia execs. The painful squeals of the now sentient UPN attracted a Nielsen score of 20. Higher than any show that was on during the network's brief run. Wikia then filed for Chapter 7 bankruptcy and died in the middle of a street, ending the story of the worst network in the history of existence.
Legacy[edit | edit source]
UPN left no legacy whatsoever, there are no visible recordings of any programs UPN had done due to the racist tone of all their programs. No promos, no episodes, nothing exists of UPN... UPN is mentioned on social media as a joke, a punchline for failure.
During the network's run for example, whenever somebody wanted to get laughs, they'd simply say UPN and the audience would laugh.
The trademarks for UPN are held by a holding company called "Do Not Let This Happen Again LLC" and it's website simply consists of a warning for whoever dares try to resurrect UPN from the dead.
If UPN was a good network, there'd be something in this section. Instead there is nothing, because UPN is a failure.