User:PopGoesTheWeasel/Jack Churchill
Lieutenant Colonel Johnny Jackson Jaywerd Jack Churchill (6 September 1906 – 8 March 1996) was a British soldier who made significant contributions during the period of Word War II under the service of the British Army. His early role in the army as a developing youngster failed to gain much attention due to his puny frame but following several invasions in Poland, he resumed his commission and gained universal acclaim on his performances by arming himself with an actual sword and a couple of panties while providing service in the war. By 1943, he had gained command several times through the deployment of his unit and his ranks gradually increased systematically following the mass number of fatalities he tea-bagged in the battlefield.
He earned greater success as his contributions towards commanding his troops started a chain of events following his line of achievements. He carried his abnormal choice of weapons in his service even further, advancing with additions to his class inclusive of a bow and arrow, a claymore and 2 other swords he would subsequently name as Billy and Bollan.
His career as an allied commander in World War II and his achievements following the great success he enjoyed during warfare has made his name synonymous with the description crazy motherfucker.
Early Life And Education[edit | edit source]
Jack Churchill was born in Hong Kong (6 September 1906) to British parents. There has been little information attributing to his family and origin, though his parents were supposedly politically motivated to migrate to Hong Kong. Their attempt was botched due to a then-infant Jack Churchill's irrational habit of burning down their apartments by consuming matches and regurgitating them. Following several cases of suspected arson, the governing party of Hong Kong associated with welfare were thoroughly freaked out and had their entire family kicked out of China. They subsequently migrated to Ireland, where they furiously persevered in teaching Jack Churchill how to draw by providing him with flags of China and had him doodle dicks on them. This resulted in his formation of a temporary hobby towards drawing and art admiration.
In Ireland, he received his first source of education from King William's College but received internal suspension after a brief period of 3 months following an infamous incident of accidentally combusting his friend's pants on fire after he attempted to consume some unspecified tubes of chemicals. He requested for an expulsion from the college and continued his studies in Nilk Remean College, being under the impression that King William's College were a bunch of pussies.
He continued his studies and progress in his own records at Mailbert University but by then had gained notoriety among main points of education for his short temper and habits relating to arson. Several instructors subsequently took extreme security measures when they were forcefully confined into the same room with Churchill and inculcated with Churchill by wearing body armor and gently gripping Churchill's arms. Churchill was believed to have found this generally amusing and expressed his satisfaction by swiftly kicking a male professor in the balls.
Churchill was suspended externally for a month and fined as a result, though the exact amount had been unconfirmed. After a period of 6 days into his suspension, he expressed boredom and impatience, requesting to be detained by police officers instead so that he could "check out what prison life feels like". Upon receiving his request, the president of his University completely shit his pants and immediately had Churchill expelled.
After his second expulsion from a University, he sought interest in politics and warfare. He deepened his grip on his knowledge on warfare and would often recite numerous general speeches to his parents before sleeping. It was widely believed that his parents obliged to his request because they were absolutely terrified of their son.
Career Before Second World War[edit | edit source]
Shortly after he was expelled from Mailbert University, he entered the Royal Military Academy Sandhurst (RMAS). He received mild forms of discrimination and teasing during his early performances, largely contributed by his small size and temper. He had responded to such cases by firm ignorance due to his serious dedication to military and warfare and repeatedly insisted that he had to ignore his inner justification of beating the shit out of a jackass. His service and swift progress in the military academy was widely acclaimed by his seniors and he graduated from the academy in 1930.
After his graduation, Churchill proclaimed to his family that he was desperate to kick some ass and enlisted into the British army. He was positioned into the Manchester Regiment and provided his service in Myanmar. His determination and skill in warfare was praised and noted by his crew as absolutely fucking terrifying. During the period of warfare in there, he established friendships with men who had the balls to go near him and was described as to have enjoyed his time in the war for 5 years. Churchill reportedly kept his atmosphere fun and lively by tea - bagging the soldiers he managed to kill on the battlefield and chucking grenades in random directions. His apparent enthusiasm was greatly criticized by his crew, though they eventually nicknamed him Clonker due to his persistent act of smacking his comrades' faces with his rifle and yelling every time they were declared victorious in an assault.
During the sixth year in the Manchester Regiment, Churchill sustained several injuries to his left leg shortly after deployment due to an unexpected assault by a troop of soldiers. He requested to remain in the army but after medical treatment and requirement to rest, Churchill left the army shortly after the announcement because he became tired of lying on a bed. Leaving the army at 1936, he started working as a newspaper editor to support financial means and assist his family under affluence and circumstances. During this extremely bland period of time for Churchill, he practiced archery by shooting arrows at his colleagues and took up lessons on playing bagpipes. Along with his temporary career in editing newspapers, he also expressed interest in acting and managed to play a role in the film A Male And His Wife.
Second World War[edit | edit source]
Resuming Commission[edit | edit source]
Shortly after the Second World War was declared, Germany invaded Poland on September 1, 1939. Jack Churchill assumed this was a sign for him to return to kicking ass and promptly resumed his commission in the Manchester Regiment. He was allegedly weeping as he enlisted but they were discovered to be tears of joy. After spending 2 months under brief training and alcohol drinking, Churchill's crew were posted at France where they were appointed to attack German patrols. Churchill's troops were initially supposed to hide and carry out their assault by ambush but Churchill argued that such a method would be for pussies. After casting out an expeditious vote, several of his comrades agreed and charged out at the German troops while yelling and waving their rifles in the air. This prompt assault resulted in an unexpected triumph after Churchill's crew successfully managed to scare the living daylights out of the German soldiers. Churchill, in the process, managed to murder a sergeant by slapping his face repeatedly with a stick.
Jack Churchill admitted to having been inspired by his stick-slapping fatality and shortly after celebrated his assault among his comrades by declaring that he would use nothing but a sword in battle. His speech was warmly received by a standing ovation and thunderous laughter until they realized he was being serious.
Following a short battle in Dunkirk, his crew were briefed of voluntary commando duty. Churchill failed to pay attention during the briefing but immediately volunteered in hearing it was "dangerous". He was, as a result, assigned second in command of Commando Number 3.
Operation Archery[edit | edit source]
Churchill was assigned to be one of the commandos of Commando Number 3 to carry out Operation Archery on November 27, 1941. Churchill was supposed to deploy his Norwegian troops to assist in the raid of a German garrison. A typical Jack Churchill profusely complained about how stupid and boring the entire combined force operation was, though his complains received no response whatsoever. Churchill was infuriated by the lack of energy and when they had arrived at the bay, he dashed forward and chucked a grenade at a unit of German troops, despite attempted restraining by the other commandos. He then used a sword he had brought along with him to slash out at one of the soldiers and proceeded to bound the others with a string of panties, a classical representation Churchill used to mock the restrained soldiers as a pile of wimps.
Churchill's troop were ordered to proceed as according to plan and secure Malroy Town by bombardment. This resulted in the enemy reinforcements on defense collapsing on their bunkers. Jack Churchill signaled their accomplishment over the subduing of Malroy Town by using his bagpipe and playing it to the tune of "Ye All A Bag Of Bitches". As the other sections under commandment eliminated an enemy strong point at Area Holvik, Churchill ordered his troops to climb up three trees and make monkey noises to provoke the remaining enemy troops. The enemy troops who resided in a small bunker responded by carrying out a brief defensive shooting to maintain their courage, which would quickly be dismissed. As the enemy troops continued shooting, Churchill continued to not give a fuck by playing "Amazing Grace" on his bagpipes. The defensive shooting suddenly subsided from the bunker. Upon infiltration of the bunker, Churchill's troops found the enemy soldiers curled up on the floor and crying.
The other Norwegian troops(who had been practically useless) captured the remaining enemy troops. In the process, there were few casualties and fatalities, ultimately totaling to 4 deaths and 20 casualties. The commandos started their withdrawal at 14:12 and Churchill, as a result of his retardedly badass actions in infiltrating the enemy strong points, received the Military Cross And Bar.
Italy[edit | edit source]
In February 1943, German troops were assigned to Catania in Sicily. Jack Churchill, upon receiving the news, insisted on taking in command of Commando 2 and attack German observation posts in Catania. The Germans recognized Churchill's ability to kick ass and therefore crapped their pants in hearing he was planning on going on an assault on their post. In a hasty attempt to support their posts, they underwent several changes through their posts, inclusive of a giant metal wall which detached Catania's landing site and endorsed the positioning of 5 machine gun turrets in advance.
Following a few months, on July 1943, Jack Churchill took in command as commanding officer of Commando 2, in a reference to what he had requested. He equipped himself with a single scottish sword, a longbow and arrows and a bagpipe. They traveled by boat and arrived at the landing site at around 11:00. Churchill and his squad carried out a brief inspection of the area, then proceeded to pulverize the entire landing site. They endured heavy gunfire from the German posts, to which Churchill responded in retaliation by compulsively shooting arrows at the bunkers. After an hour of getting nowhere, Churchill became uninterested in shooting arrows at people and ordered his squad to use a Blacker Bombard that had been issued earlier to just blow up the entire bunker. The operation became greatly successful following the gargantuan explosion and Churchill captured the post.
In the following month, Jack Churchill, returned as commanding officer and carried out an attack to control a pass leading down to Salerno in an attempt to infiltrate the town La Molina. Upon observation, Churchill noted the town's "small" size and chucked everything he had out of the boat, with the exception of the single scottish sword he had armed himself previously in Catania. Churchill ignored the few patrolling German soldiers speckled over the town, walked ahead and proceeded to capture the post, repressing their attacks and confusing the fuck out of the German soldiers. They came into realization and acknowledged Churchill's presence after he captured 42 of them as prisoners and left the rest of them hanging upside down on poles with the words "I'M A DICKFACE" scribbled over their bellies. Although Churchill presumably did nothing, he received the Distinguished Service Order anyway.
On January 1944, Churchill took in the lead as position over the Commandos and lead them to Yugoslavia. Their primary motive there was to provide assistance and support Josip Broz Titso, a rebel officer who was not quite as badass as Jack Churchill but still had the balls to fight against the Nazi Party. Churchill immediately organized a "motley army" which consisted of the 1,500 Partisans, 43 Commandos and a troop of soldiers who were huddling in a corner. They were assigned together to then raid an island called Brač. Upon arrival by boat, Churchill noticed the island was held over by German troops. Churchill became pissed off that he had to be fighting with the German soldiers all the time and threw his hands into the air. Josip Broz Titso decided to repress their attacks and defer it until the following day.
When Churchill's wrath subsided and he was calm and composed, he signaled his Commandos to war by playing his bagpipes and immediately headed to Brač by boat. As they landed, they suffered repetitive fire by an RAF Spitfire and Churchill subsequently started shooting arrows at the airplane. Upon realization that his Commandos were all wailing in terror, Churchill decided to withdraw for the night and re-launch the next morning.
The following morning, Churchill re-launched his attack with 40 Commandos under his order. He had previously requested for an establishment of colossal bombardment in collaboration with the Partisans, but they had gained a sudden interest in masturbating and were unable to proceed to war. Churchill made several nippy improvements to his strategical assault and decided to launch a flanking attack. His attempt promptly went into failure after the German troops near the targeted bay chucked a mortar shell at Churchill's troops' direction. It subsequently roasted a large chunk of Churchill's troops and the survivors of the mortar shell were mortally wounded. By the next 30 minutes, everyone in the commandment of troops had succumbed to blood loss or being blasted into pieces, with the exception of Jack Churchill himself who spent the entire period of time yelling and pleasurably wishing the Germans to "fuck thy mother". The German soldiers pursued Churchill with great hesitance and ultimately managed to capture him by throwing an estimated number of 7 grenades, the last two managing to knock him out.
Capture[edit | edit source]
Jack Churchill was carried off to Berlin for interrogation but the expenses required for the manpower to restrain him was too costly. In consideration of the financial stability of the army, Adolf Hitler sent him into the Sachsenhausen concentration camp. Hjalmar Schacht was the only military adviser who criticized Hitler's decision on Churchill's capture. He was promptly removed from office and confined into a room with Jack Churchill playing his bagpipes for a day as punishment. During his stay in the concentration camp, he entertained other prisoners-of-wars by playing his bagpipe to some motivational tunes and playing Russian Roulette with sticks and pebbles.