Lewd Acts of the Apostles
“My old religious instruction teacher could quote you Lewd Acts backwards.”
As part of the New Testament Apocrypha Lewd Acts of the Apostles was a popular book within the Bible amongst early Christians. It is thought by Biblical scholars to have been first written between 65 and 100 AD. The book remained a standard part of the New Testament until 325, when it was removed due to Constantine's dislike of the word buttocks.
Lewd Acts tells the stories of the Apostolic Age, which the Christian Church most want people to forget – aside from pedophilia, crusades, inquisitions ad nauseam. The book is actually a collection of several stories, most beginning shortly before the Pentecost. It is almost universally agreed that the author of Lewd Acts also wrote the Gospel of St. Ignatius.
| “ | And so it was that the Apostles, filled with the Holy Spirit and a sudden onset of lust caused by abnormal amounts of mercury in their drinking water, began to seek out followers with whom they could share their beds, or at the very least their wooden dildos. | ” |
While most of the stories were originally removed from the Bible, many were reintegrated into other parts. One such example is Revelation 22:7, a slightly modified quote from Jesus, who originally said "Behold, I come quickly: blessed is he that keepeth the faith while he waits for orgasm."
The Last Bachelor Party
Studied by Biblical scholars and imagined by scores of artists from medieval times to the modern world, The Last Bachelor Party is generally regarded as the most excellent account of The Man, Jesus Christ.
| “ | For it was Luke, the purest of heart who agreed that his Lord should be feted with wine and nourishment to the body and the soul enough to suffice Him for the trials ahead, and thus the others agreed to make the arrangements. Unto this supper, He was brought and seated at the center of the table, with His closest friends to his left and his right. A passing of the pipe had resulted in relaxation of formalities when Mark called out: Unto Him I sayeth, let us get this party started. And it came to pass that there was a loud pulsing downbeat in the room and the strongest fruit of the vine was served. And onto the table crawled a woman whose name was Judith Priest and she commenced to dance first upon the table, and then in His lap ... and when she was done He said simply Excellent. | ” |
The Last Bachelor Party is best remembered as an insight into the Early Church's view of the communion rite, including an alternative interpretation of "eat of my flesh".
The Masochism of Simon, the Zealot
One of the most prominent and widely quoted books within Lewd Acts is that of The Masochism of Simon the Zealot. Master Eckhart, in his sermon on sin and redemption, quoted exclusively from The Masochism, stating that it was a template for all men to follow for a personal and immediate relationship with God.
| “ | And so it came to pass that Simon, the most loyal to Jesus, combed the streets until he happened upon a great commotion. And upon seeing the crowd and hearing their voices, Simon climbed upon the steps of the VII XI, only to witness his Lord Jesus Christ stumble with the burden of the cross and fall to the ground. And then Simon saw the Roman rear back and bring down the lash upon the flesh of his Lord. And Simon cried out for his Lord was in pain. And again the lash rose and sliced through the air. And again Simon cried out, only unto this time because Simon found his heart enraged and his loins aglow. And Simon the Zealot soon found that he longed to take the place of his Lord, not to spare Him from the pain of the lash, but so Simon himself should enjoy it for his own exquisite pleasure. | ” |
And just as Simon reveled in pain of the lash, so too many modern-day Catholics continue to focus on the format of the Stations of the Cross as a method to attain spiritual and sexual release. Through meditating upon the chief scenes of Christ's suffering it has long been held that true adherents may suffer a "little death".
The Masturbation of Matthew by Mark, Luke and John
The root of this act is believed to be the Golden Rule, which commands what one should always "do unto others".
| “ | Into the world the brethren of Jesus went after their Lord had ascended to Heaven. They were sad Jesus had left them, but glad He now sat at the right hand of God. Wandering aimlessly, they hoped for direction until they found a garden in the desert and bedded down for the night.
It was Matthew who first found his need undeniable, and he commenced to quietly wrestle with the beast. His struggle soon awakened Mark, Luke and John who saw before them a turgid monster of undeniable size causing their brother great strife. And it was Luke, the quietest of the three watching the struggle who acted first and lent Matthew his hand. And astonished was he, as Luke put his hand under Matthew's thigh. And John then reached in too, and cupped the eggs of man and coddled them, soothing them from their angry state. And then Mark anointed the full length of Matthew's mighty staff with the holy fluid which he worked into the possessed flesh well. The three ministered to suffering Matthew until the monster released its fury upon all four men now anointed as well. And Matthew said, Why, my brothers, didst thou enter into this covenant with me? and it was Luke who as he opened his robes said, Our Lord asked that we do unto others as we would have done unto us, and now it is my turn for you to do unto me. |
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Indeed during one of the many Church sex scandals of 2000, one Boston, Massachusetts, priest attempted to introduce the Masturbation of Matthew by Mark, Luke and John into evidence for himself, and was thus found not guilty of having an affair with an underage organ grinder's monkey.
The Miracle of the Girlie-mag
As Paul travelled amongst the people, he detailed a number of miracles that he had vaguely heard about, mostly second-hand tales from people who knew someone who had known Jesus personally.
| “ | As evening came nigh, the disciples approached Him and said, It is getting late, and the crowds are writhing and they demand a pound of flesh. Send them away, that they may find porn. And Jesus replied, Succor them with what they want. And the disciples said, But we have only a single copy of PlayGoy.
Bring it unto me, He commanded. And He directed the assembled crowd to sit down on the grass. Then looking up to Heaven He took the girlie-mag and broke it into many pages, and gave it to those assembled. And the number that used the girlie-mag was about five thousand, and they looked upon the pictures of Mary Magdalene baring her forearms, and they groaned with pleasure, and were satisfied. |
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The Letter to the Sodomites
Many a topic of many a sermon by many a preacher revolves around Paul's letters to the Sodomites. Perhaps the most well-known is the third.
| “ | Brothers and sisters, and androgynous occupiers of that middle ground which arouses me in such marvelous ways, please receive my thanks. For you, my friends, have helped to free my soul or, less indirectly, my schlong. Indeed they were true, the words you spake unto me about the spiritual beauty of asphyxiation. And so, I bestow unto you my thanks, with the hope in my heart that I can repay your kindnesses by leading you to the path of God, or at the very least by showing you some new positions. | ” |
Eventually, Paul's letters take a turn for the submissive, although not before he expresses his great hope "that you, my brothers and sisters, will take the Lord's words into your life, just as you have taken my member into your many orifices". Paul would later be martyred when he was beaten to death by a stone representation of the pagan god Priapus.
In popular culture
| “ | Abraham felat Isaac; and Isaac felat Jacob; and Jacob felat Judas and his brethren, and Judas felat Phares and Zara of Thamar; and Phares felat Esrom; and Esrom felat Aram; and Aram buggered Aminadab ... | ” |
- It has been announced that a film version of the Lewd Acts of the Apostles is being co-written, co-produced and co-directed by Mel Gibson. Described as his most shocking work since 1990's Bird On A Wire with Goldie Hawn, it will star Jenna Jameson and Buck Naked, among others.
- The Feast of the Immaculate Contraception has long since become dogma within the Catholic Church. In 1858, teenage French nymphette Bernadette of Lourdes is believed to have seen a vision of Mary, Mother of God, with a crown of stars and nipple rings as described in Lewd Acts 21:12.
- Johnny Cash's 1963 hit "Ring of Fire" is believed to be based on Lewd Acts of the Apostles 4:1–22.
See also
