User:Leverage/horoscopes

Here you will find an archive of all my predictions. They all came true, for everyone!

28 April 2017

Taurus (April 21 - May 21) - The gypsy’s curse - that you will let rip with a huge fart at inopportune moments in your life - ruins your mother’s funeral, wrecks your chances at a job interview, and takes your sex life into a disturbing though vigorous new direction.

Gemini (May 22 - June 21) - What’s in a name? A lot, as your dad found out when he tried to start a business hiring out paddle boats called Pedalo-philes.

Cancer (June 22 - July 22) - You lose the kids on your first day teaching a tough school, when a thuggish kid asks “Where your pens at?” and you ask “Where are your unnecessary prepositions at young man?”

Leo (July 23 - Aug. 22) - You think of yourself as a citizen of the world, where there is just one race - the human race. It’s just a coincidence all your friends are white.

Virgo (Aug. 23 - Sept. 23) - Disturbing times, as a million people watch a giraffe give birth live on the internet, getting dangerously close to your current fetish.

Libra (Sept. 24 - Oct. 23) - You start to worry you might be a geek when you write a 500-word blog post on the inconsistent conjugation of “vos” in the Spanish scenes in Narcos.

Scorpio (Oct. 24 - Nov. 22) - “Move quickly and break things” was the motto that led to Mark Zuckerberg making Facebook a billion-dollar business, but it has not had the same success at your ballet school.

Sagittarius (Nov. 23 - Dec. 21) - You have way too much to drink at a college party, and while you remember talking and having fun with someone, the next morning when you wake up, you don’t actually remember having given consent for sex. However, as you are a male student, no one gives a fuck.

Capricorn (Dec. 22 - Jan. 20) - You must stop saying, “Your mother’s cunt!” when you don’t know the answer to a question.

Aquarius (Jan. 21 - Feb. 19) - A depressing morning sees you forcefully removed, kicking and screaming, from a United Airlines flight, getting assaulted in the process - and no one films it or gives a shit.

Pisces (Feb. 20 - March 20) - As a social experiment, you decide to stop eyeing up all the sexy girls on the street, and instead eye up all the ugly fat girls. Response is dishearteningly similar.

Aries (March 21 - April 20) - On Friday you visit a Bob Marley-themed restaurant, where you can sit down to a nice goat curry, but you have to Stand Up For Your Rice.

11 September 2016

Virgo (Aug. 23 - Sept. 23) - Today you commemorate 9/11, but American Virgos and Saudi Arabian Virgos do not do it in the same way.

Libra (Sept. 24 - Oct. 23) - You have a haircut a man could set his watch by this week, as the hairdresser shaves everything off except for one single strand which he gels into a vertical position, giving you a fully functioning sun dial.

Scorpio (Oct. 24 - Nov. 22) - A possible threesome you were setting up online gets away from you when you try to write “bet you two have such pretty ‘’faces’’” but it comes out as ‘’faeces’’.

Sagittarius (Nov. 23 - Dec. 21) - When a friend of a friend says something vile, you hit back with “Do you kiss your mother with that tongue?” which was almost the correct thing to say, but not quite.

Capricorn (Dec. 22 - Jan. 20) - You show your solidarity with mothers who want to breastfeed in public by not looking away when they do it. Actually, you tend to look directly at the boob the whole time.

Aquarius (Jan. 21 - Feb. 19) - Your fetish for clamping and cutting women’s breasts leads unexpectedly to a lucrative career in cosmetic surgery.

Pisces (Feb. 20 - March 20) - After making some crass, uninformed remarks at work, you defend yourself by explaining you are simply training to be the next Republican candidate.

Aries (March 21 - April 20) - Your girlfriend leaves you, describing you as a selfish lover, which really upsets you, as you thought your anal/facial quickie had something for everyone.

Taurus (April 21 - May 21) - The KKK, worried about the rise of the Alt-Right, come to your PR company with the desire to attract new young racists, so you rebrand them the KKKK, the Ku Klux Klan Klub.

Gemini (May 22 - June 21) - While you used to think of yourself as the phattest badass, with the passing of time you have become the baddest fatass.

Cancer (June 22 - July 22) - At Christmas you thought crystal made the perfect gift for your partner, but nine months on you regret getting her hooked on meth.

Leo (July 23 - Aug. 22) - The presence of Pluto in your sign means a lot of ball-licking this week. If you are a girl that means you have to lick balls, if you are a guy that means you are going to get your balls licked - that is how the cosmic balance of the universe works.

7 June 2016

• Gemini (May 22 - June 21) - Sometimes you don’t know where you end and she begins, but that’s normal for Siamese twins.

• Cancer (June 22 - July 22) - This week your sex life starts to get really weird. About time.

• Leo (July 23 - Aug. 22) - When Jehovah’s Witnesses come calling this week, explain you are on Jehovah’s Jury, and you are not allowed any contact with them.

• Libra (Sept. 24 - Oct. 23) - You learn the important difference between crazy-ass play and crazy ass-play.

• Virgo (Aug. 23 - Sept. 23) - You get a promotion at work which means you have far less free time and far less energy to do anything. Celebration time!

• Scorpio (Oct. 24 - Nov. 22) - To mark the death of Muhammad Ali, you reflect on the fact that although white people are scared of violent black men, they seem to really like the ones who are best at punching.

• Sagittarius (Nov. 23 - Dec. 21) - Try to find older people attractive, it will lead to martial happiness. Bear in mind your partner will be young for a bit, and then old for fucking ages.

• Capricorn (Dec. 22 - Jan. 20) - A professional challenge this week as you are asked to describe your boss during your exit interview, but without using the c-word.

• Aquarius (Jan. 21 - Feb. 19) - You find yourself sympathising with Bran from Game of Thrones because you too spent your adolescence with your eyes rolled up inside your head while you had mysterious visions.

• Pisces (Feb. 20 - March 20) - Once upon a time you had ambitions to be a great person. Now you are relieved when you read about domestic murders, because at least you are not as bad as ‘’those’’ guys.

• Aries (March 21 - April 20) - This is a good week for romance, and so you meet someone who will lick your genitals in the future.

• Taurus (April 21 - May 21) - You have flashbacks to Vietnam all week - that time Munroe shot up the whole village and wore their ears as a necklace. Weirdest gap year ever.

9 December 2015

Sagittarius (Nov. 23 - Dec. 21) -This week you have a bad case of diarrhoea, but you refuse to suffer in silence.

Capricorn (Dec. 22 - Jan. 20) - You move house on Wednesday, leading you to a Christ-like desire to abandon all material goods, instead of packing them in 157 boxes and bags and hauling them up and down stairs.

Aquarius (Jan. 21 - Feb. 19) - On an archaeological dig, you discover that the Arabs first considered the concept of zero when someone asked them how many baths they had a year.

Pisces (Feb. 20 - March 20) - People told you that the online dating market was saturated with about every type of angle covered, but with 12inchdating.com you find a lucrative niche market for the well-endowed and the guys and gals who love them.

Aries (March 21 - April 20) - Mutual friends describe you and your ex as chalk and cheese - because she is thin and white, and you smell funny.

Taurus (April 21 - May 21) - One of the major reasons why you haven’t changed jobs is because your current levels of foul-mouthed moaning wouldn’t be acceptable in another workplace until you have worked there for at least 6 months.

Gemini (May 20 - June 21) - If you enjoyed Black Friday, consider going to Washington D.C., where it is Black Friday every Friday.

Cancer (June 22 - July 22) - “And if he doesn’t like it, he can lick my balls” has long been your fave witty riposte, but it leads you into trouble this week, when a dude actually opts to lick your balls.

Leo (July 23 - Aug. 22) - You change your email signature from “best regards” to “best”. An entirely common thing to do, and nobody knows that every time you see it, you whisper “that’s right, I’m the BEST, bitch”.

Libra (Sept. 24 - Oct. 23) - Tragically, your girlfriend is diagnosed with gonna-rea, a chronic disease which causes her to tell you everything she is gonna do, meaning even sentences like “I’m gonna have a shower, I don’t know if I’m gonna wash my hair” are not considered too trivial to share.

Virgo (Aug. 23 - Sept. 23) - When letters arrive from the electricity company, the water company, and somewhere else official-looking, you decide to stop being a functioning adult and try bursting into tears instead.

Scorpio (Oct. 24 - Nov. 22) - You run for election claiming you will build more kids’ football facilities and reduce tax on women’s underwear - strictly so your campaign slogan can be “Pitches and knickers”.

23 November 2015

Scorpio (Oct. 24 - Nov. 22) - On Saturday night you dance your ass off. It causes horror on the dancefloor initially, but then an impromptu football match breaks out.

Sagittarius (Nov. 23 - Dec. 21) - You discover the only downside to working at the baby oil factory - it’s very hard to get ahold of your coworkers.

Capricorn (Dec. 22 - Jan. 20) - Reading comments pages online, you decide that there is a fine line between stupidity and irony - and it’s called the US-Canada border.

Aquarius (Jan. 21 - Feb. 19) - Fifty years after the height of the civil rights movement, you direct a porno called Malcolm XXX, in which the male stars change the lyrics of ‘’We Shall Overcome’’ to ‘’We Shall Come Over’’.

Pisces (Feb. 20 - March 20) - Your girlfriend breaks up with you, claiming your OCD has become too much for her. On the bright side, she did make you ejaculate 169 times during the length of your relationship, and you have the spreadsheet to prove it.

Aries (March 21 - April 20) - After years of loving ‘’The Sopranos’’, ‘’The Wire’’ and ‘’Game of Thrones’’ among many others, you now get a semi every time you hear that HBO aaaaaaaah ident.

Taurus (April 21 - May 21) - You spend the whole week lighting up motherfuckers like it ain’t no thing.

Gemini (May 20 - June 21) - You impress women when you tell them you run your own business, until you eventually have to reveal that that just means you’re a shoe-shine.

Cancer (June 22 - July 22) - Take the average amount of time it takes you to respond to an email when someone is doing you a favour, and subtract it from the amount of time it takes you to respond to an email where you have to do someone a favour, and that’s apparently how much of a cunt you are.

Leo (July 23 - Aug. 22) - Your boss humiliates you at work on Friday by insisting you spend the whole day doing the twist.

Virgo (Aug. 23 - Sept. 23) - Your grandmother’s eyesight isn’t what it used to be, as you notice when you discover her using your anal beads as a rosary.

Libra (Sept. 24 - Oct. 23) - Your name hasn’t gone down in history, as you would have liked, but it is now on several sex offenders’ registers.

15 October 2015

Libra (Sept. 24 - Oct. 23) - When your partner asks you what you want for your birthday, try hard not to say “Permission to sleep with a busty black stripper”.

Scorpio (Oct. 24 - Nov. 22) - Draping lightly melted chocolate over your wife’s breasts totally wrecks the impression you make at the Republican debate.

Sagittarius (Nov. 23 - Dec. 21) - A visit to your parents’ house this week is full of nostalgia - the same room, same home cooking, same waiting out side the school gates.

Capricorn (Dec. 22 - Jan. 20) - Your habit of licking the bowl clean when you finish eating has to stop, especially during Holy Communion.

Aquarius (Jan. 21 - Feb. 19) - You risk a major racial rift with your parents when you bring home a Gemini girl.

Pisces (Feb. 20 - March 20) - Like a cat, you always land on your feet. And like a cat, your diet consists mostly of cat food.

Aries (March 21 - April 20) - This week you ask yourself “what would Jesus do?” and the answer is he wouldn’t have put that in there in the first place, or taken any of those, or squirted that over them.

Taurus (April 21 - May 21) - You vow to spend the whole week asking, “Excuse me, do you work here?” to the richest looking people at the shopping mall.

Gemini (May 20 - June 21) - You find out you were christened Bob because that was what your mother did best, according to your dad.

Cancer (June 22 - July 22) - You manage to get your stool sample into that impossibly small jar, and then hand it into the receptionist at the doctor’s. it will be interesting to see how they react when they realise no one asked you for it.

Leo (July 23 - Aug. 22) - When a TV crew tries to bust you this week over certain unpleasant allegations, just say the word “cunt” over and over so they can’t broadcast anything.

Virgo (Aug. 23 - Sept. 23) - She may be a replicant, but when she goes down on you, it really makes your circuits tingles. Wait a minute, YOU HAVE CIRCUITS TOO?!?!?

24 August 2015

Virgo (Aug. 23 - Sept. 23) - People don’t change, which is a real shame in your case, because almost any change would be an improvement.

Libra (Sept. 24 - Oct. 23) - You feel uncomfortable when your partner compares you to her father, especially when she says it's because you have the same size cock.

Scorpio (Oct. 24 - Nov. 22) - You are comfortable with your nude form. Some of the other commuters are positively shocked however.

Sagittarius (Nov. 23 - Dec. 21) - Ignore the previous version of this page. I thought the message was, “This week you will be drinking yourself into an early grave” but it was actually, “This week you will be drinking in an open grave.” Which is worse.

Capricorn (Dec. 22 - Jan. 20) - You find yourself increasingly repulsed by society’s capitalist and materialistic ways, especially when it is your turn to pay for dinner.

Aquarius (Jan. 21 - Feb. 19) - You have never really had any hang-ups about the size of your penis. If anything, it’s your vagina which you are self conscious of.

Pisces (Feb. 20 - March 20) - You can’t help feeling that US sitcoms have cheated you when you rock up to New York, get a job as a waitress, and find that the 1500 square-foot apartments the characters always could afford are about 1400 square feet out of your price range.

Aries (March 21 - April 20) - The first magical signs of the irrevocable changing of the seasons come this week, as you stop masturbating in your shorts and start masturbating in your sweat pants.

Taurus (April 21 - May 21) - The most long-awaited period of your life comes, as you finally finish the last chapter of Ulysses.

Gemini (May 20 - June 21) - Having “ants in your pants” is supposed to mean you are restless, but you find the reality of having ants in your pants lends itself much more to screaming hysterically, stamping, scrubbing, showering and crying.

Cancer (June 22 - July 22) - You are forced to admit you are addicted to sex on Tuesday, as your partner catches you cheating while having intercourse with her.

Leo (July 23 - Aug. 22) - Celebrations are in order as your start-up manages to set up its 100,000th “FREE WIFI” network which tempts users into connecting and then NEVER FUCKING ACTUALLY WORKS.

9 June 2015

Gemini (May 22 - June 21) - This week you make a move on your partner’s mother. Not because you find her attractive, just to see what will happen. It proves to be an interesting few days.

Cancer (June 22 - July 22) - Nothing can get you down this week as you pass through every crisis, high on life. And cocaine, mostly cocaine.

Leo (July 23 - Aug. 22) - You have a crumby life, a crumby job, and a crumby apartment, but that’s what you get for being a baker.

Virgo (Aug. 23 - Sept. 23) - Everything you touch turns to shit, which is having a seriously negative effect on your sex life.

Libra (Sept. 24 - Oct. 23) - This week you find your calling - vulnerable teenage girls. No wait, I read that wrong: This week, you find you’re calling vulnerable teenage girls. Stop it.

Scorpio (Oct. 24 - Nov. 22) - In an attempt to force your girlfriend to break up with you, you tell her you are really into watersports. Her response is surprisingly positive, and so begins a game of chicken which essentially no one wins, not least the recycling men who have to collect your mattress on Sunday.

Sagittarius (Nov. 23 - Dec. 21) - Your self-esteem takes a blow when your fave streaming site tells you that horny girls in your area are interested in your brother.

Capricorn (Dec. 22 - Jan. 20) - You spend the whole of Tuesday putting on a gay Californian voice and calling other people “faggot”.

Aquarius (Jan. 21 - Feb. 19) - Sunday is a day of primal passion, with half a dozen orgasms, a veritable orgy of food and a pervading sense of decadence and indulgence saturating everything. The next step is to find someone else to do it all with.

Pisces (Feb. 20 - March 20) - First they ignore you, then they laugh at you, then they fight you, then you win. Weird first stand-up gig.

Aries (March 21 - April 20) - On Instagram you post a message saying that “"chocolate comes from a bean, beans grow on trees, therefore chocolate is a fruit so it must be healthy”. Crestfallen, you discover soon afterwards that you have turned into a massive dick.

Taurus (April 21 - May 21) - Just because you like Barbra Streisand (pictured), that doesn’t make you gay. It’s the sucking cock that does it.

10 May 2015

• Taurus (April 21 - May 21) - You wish your genital warts would go away. Not the most traditional thing to say when blowing out your birthday candles.

• Gemini (May 22 - June 21) - You win big on the lottery, as you finally qualify as one of the charitable causes the fund gives donations to.

• Cancer (June 22 - July 22) - You bring shame upon the family name. Three times during the week and twice on the weekend.

• Leo (July 23 - Aug. 22) - You’re not the smartest, nor the most good-looking, nor the most successful person in the world, but you keep your relationship going by constantly offering your partner oral sex.

• Virgo (Aug. 23 - Sept. 23) - Thursday is a dark day as you really start to think about the fact that Adam Sandler is a much richer and more successful person than you are.

• Libra (Sept. 24 - Oct. 23) - Amid more violence over depictions of Mohammed, you wonder, if no Muslim has ever drawn him, how do these damn extremists manage to recognise pictures of him?

• Scorpio (Oct. 24 - Nov. 22) - Your girlfriend tells you she only has eyes for you. If she only had the same attitude towards her ass and pussy.

• Sagittarius (Nov. 23 - Dec. 21) - You inadvertently ruin your French girlfriend’s gourmet dinner of snails in garlic when you unthinkingly shake some salt on them.

• Capricorn (Dec. 22 - Jan. 20) - When you consider smuggling crack cocaine in your rectum, well, that’s rock bottom.

• Aquarius (Jan. 21 - Feb. 19) - During your visit to Bangkok, make sure you avoid any encounters with ladyboys by asking any prostitute you solicit to first throw a ball overarm before you take them back to the hotel.

• Pisces (Feb. 20 - March 20) - Your friend is very sympathetic when you tell him you spent the whole weekend indoors, reheating frozen pizzas, masturbating, and playing computer games. I don’t think he realises you are boasting.

• Aries (March 21 - April 20) - Upon learning that the Scottish National Party leader is called Sturgeon, and her predecessor was Salmond, you can’t help thinking there is something fishy going on in Scottish politics.

16 April 2015

Taurus (April 20 - May 20) - Your new career as a psychic is seriously undermined when your friends manage to throw you a surprise birthday party.

Gemini (May 20 - June 21) - You're all about the bass, bout the bass, no treble. Which is why you get fired from your sound technician job.

Cancer (June 22 - July 22) - You can learn a lot from walking a mile in another man's shoes. Like people can run surprisingly fast in bowling shoes when they find out you have stolen their Nikes.

Leo (July 23 - Aug. 22) - You're the kind of guy who pulls his USB stick out of the computer without ejecting it first but hey, your wife knew she was getting with a wildchild when she married you.

Virgo (Aug. 23 - Sept. 22) - You went on a Christian retreat as a school child, and it appears you have been retreating from Christianity ever since.

Libra (Sept. 23 - Oct. 22) - An extremely embarrassing moment on Tuesday evening when your mother catches you masturbating. But don't blame yourself - you had no way of knowing she'd be in the adult picture house too.

Scorpio (Oct. 23 - Nov. 22) - On Wednesday you get mixed up and spray yourself under the arms with your shaving foam instead of your deodorant. Weirdly, it leaves you feeling fresh-smelling and confident throughout the day.

Sagittarius (Nov. 23 - Dec. 21)- You were dismayed by the recent massacre at a Kenyan college. What are these people thinking? I mean, whoever heard of a religion being spread around the world by threats and violence?

Capricorn (Dec. 22 - Jan. 19) - You can't decide what you love most about your new Apple Watch (pictured) - whether it's the fact you have to keep your forearm raised in a super-comfortable position in front of your face, or the fun that can be had mimicking the action of winding and unwinding a watch which is still on your wrist.

Aquarius (Jan. 20 - Feb. 18) - Your boss will explain why an online banking model isn't applicable to a sperm bank.

Pisces (Feb. 19 - March 19) - Another day, another dollar. Which makes you wonder if you might be underpaid.

Aries (March 20 - April 19) - On the plus side, you are asked to star in a porn film this week. On the down side, the title is a pun on Gone in 60 Seconds.

26 March 2015

Aries (March 20 - April 19) - Your colleagues are momentarily excited when you announce "I've made brownies" on Tuesday, before they realise that is just your way of saying Señor Whoopsie has made an unscheduled stop in Trouser Town.

Taurus (April 20 - May 20) - You have an ass that won't quit, which is a nightmare for your former employers.

Gemini (May 20 - June 21) - You finally recover from your St Patrick's day hangover. It's going to be a long time before you can lick whiskey off a prostitute's boobs again. Or at least that's what you tell yourself.

Cancer (June 22 - July 22) - Like many successful people, you have a personal motto. Unfortunately, yours is "I am sorry for everything."

Leo (July 23 - Aug. 22) - Your newly single friend tells you some depressing stories about the soulless sexual interactions that can be had using Tinder. Even more depressing, you sign up for an account and have no such luck.

Virgo (Aug. 23 - Sept. 22) - When your girlfriend tells you her brother is a man's man, you mistakenly understand that means he is gay. A trip to the orthodontist awaits.

Libra (Sept. 23 - Oct. 22) - In this day and age, it is not necessarily appropriate to address your boss as "sir". Especially when she is a lesbian.

Scorpio (Oct. 23 - Nov. 22) - You are visited in a dream by your 10-year-old self who wants to know a) why you haven't become a football player and b) why you spend a considerable portion of every day thinking about putting your penis up a girl's anus.

Sagittarius (Nov. 23 - Dec. 21)- This week you discover a weird trick which leads to you having a perfect six pack. Be careful though, if you choose to advertise this fact online, there is a good chance that gyms will hate you.

Capricorn (Dec. 22 - Jan. 19) - You like piña coladas and walks in the rain, which means you are constantly drunk and sneezing.

Aquarius (Jan. 20 - Feb. 18) - Your new nude range of makeup is so realistic, you are arrested for lewd conduct.

Pisces (Feb. 19 - March 19) - You are flying this weekend, and given recent events, you promise to suck the pilot off if at any point during the flight he starts to feel a bit suicidal.

22 February 2015

• Pisces (Feb. 19 - March 19) - In your sector it's important to stand out from the crowd, but I am not sure burping all our answers in the interview is the way to go.

• Aries (March 20 - April 19) - "The left hand should not know what the right hand is doing" is an eloquent evocation of the ideal nature of altruism. In your case, however, it's the rest of us who would rather not know what your right hand is doing.

• Taurus (April 20 - May 20) - Confusing feedback from your acting teacher, who describes your performance as a rape victim as "a bit forced".

• Gemini (May 20 - June 21) - You are very quick to point the finger, which is not an ideal foreplay technique.

• Cancer (June 22 - July 22) - After months of trying, you finally get your foot in the door at a major corporation. Unfortunately, it's a revolving door.

• Leo (July 23 - Aug. 22) - Your latest film, Nutbush Shitty Limits, gets the usual mixed reviews - some people say it made their belly go fizz, other people say it should be banned worldwide.

• Virgo (Aug. 23 - Sept. 22) - Disappointment as your design for a baby onesie featuring the slogan "I used to be cum" has received no orders.

• Libra (Sept. 23 - Oct. 22) - It hits you that Vladimir Putin has basically spent the last six months doing the international version of the "What are you punching yourself for?" game with Ukraine.

• Scorpio (Oct. 23 - Nov. 22) - You bump into an old schoolmate who has a better job, house, and partner than you. But on the plus side, he does look a bit fat.

• Sagittarius (Nov. 23 - Dec. 21)- It's the year of the goat, but you keep writing horse on all your cheques.

• Capricorn (Dec. 22 - Jan. 19) - Your partner is really into the whole 50 Shades of Grey thing, but she takes it a little too seriously this week when she climbs on top of you, calling you a worthless piece of shit, and beats you unconscious.

• Aquarius (Jan. 20 - Feb. 18) - Thursday is distressing, as you buy a copy of Coping with Alopecia only for all the pages to fall out on the way home.

26 January 2015

• Aquarius (Jan. 20 - Feb. 18) - To celebrate your forthcoming birthday, you decide to post: "Many years ago on this day, I completely destroyed a vagina. Not for the last time."

• Pisces (Feb. 19 - March 19) - For weeks a rumour has been going around school that you are an expert at cunnilingus. After it emerges that you yourself began the rumours, the other teachers get together and campaign to have you dismissed.

• Aries (March 20 - April 19) - You stick rigidly to the imperial system of measurements, except when it comes to measuring your penis, because centimetres just sound more impressive.

• Taurus (April 20 - May 20) - When asked your opinion on your new co-worker's intelligence, you reply "Well I don't think Stephen Hawking will be shitting himself any time soon" before realising that, just like every day, Stephen Hawking will be shitting himself soon.

• Gemini (May 20 - June 21) - Tuesday makes it four times you have ejaculated at work. I know it takes the edge of the drudgery, but I don't think it's exactly the Steve Jobs route to success.

• Cancer (June 22 - July 22) - Your girlfriend reveals she has this weird fart fetish which involves you never breaking win in front of her ever.

• Leo (July 23 - Aug. 22) - The cold makes your nipples so hard you could grate cheese on them. Don't actually do it though, remember what happened last year at the farmer's market.

• Virgo (Aug. 23 - Sept. 22) - Blind dates are usually hit and miss, but it's still depressing when the cute French girl you get set up with is arrested during dinner for her association with the Charlie Hebdo killers.

• Libra (Sept. 23 - Oct. 22) - When your hot new roommate catches you pressed up against the bathroom door while she was having a shower, simply explain you love the sound of running water.

• Scorpio (Oct. 23 - Nov. 22) - Normally you like the sound of neighbours doing it, but that Russian girl next door sounds like a mother yelping after losing her child in a shopping centre.

• Sagittarius (Nov. 23 - Dec. 21)- You give the shortest lesson on the birds and the bees ever. When asked the classic "Where do babies come from?" you simply reply "Your mother's cunt!"

• Capricorn (Dec. 22 - Jan. 19) - Go up to the biggest, meanest, ugliest man you can find and say you want him to do you good and hard - he will immediately turn into a genie and grant you anything you desire.

December 10th

• Sagittarius (Nov. 23 - Dec. 21)- You are arrested on Monday. The police say that is the most DNA they have ever seen left at a crime scene.

• Capricorn (Dec. 22 - Jan. 19) - Unlike most men, you don't objectify women. But you do feminise objects, which is probably worse.

• Aquarius (Jan. 20 - Feb. 18) - "If it feels right, do it" your uncle always used to say. I don't think he had that in mind when he said it though.

• Pisces (Feb. 19 - March 19) - Your girlfriend asks you to treat her like a princess, so you whisk her off to Paris, get drunk, and crash the Mercedes into a tunnel, killing her instantly.

• Aries (March 20 - April 19) - A celebrity death sets off a chain of events, as a friend of yours posts a message of condolence with a fucking :( emoticon in it, and you duly bludgeon him to death with his own laptop.

• Taurus (April 20 - May 20) - This Christmas, your hot toddies seem to be focusing more on the toddy part than the hot. That cup, for example, is basically just whiskey.

• Gemini (May 20 - June 21) - At a cocktail bar on Friday, you see one drink called "Sex on the Beach", and a hilarious joke occurs to you when the waitress comes over and asks what you would like.

• Cancer (June 22 - July 22) - A new colleague at work ticks all your boxes: vaguely attractive (check), seems friendly and smiley with you (check).

• Leo (July 23 - Aug. 22) - In your moments of stress this week, just recite your mantra, which in your case is Mr Mackey saying, "Poontang".

• Virgo (Aug. 23 - Sept. 22) - You have your mother's green fingers. It's amazing what undertakers will let you do if you pay them enough.

• Libra (Sept. 23 - Oct. 22) - Rather depressingly, the ghost from It's a Wonderful Life visits you to show you how little effect your suicide would have on your community.

• Scorpio (Oct. 23 - Nov. 22) - In an almost exact copy of the nativity story, you go on the run with a pregnant thirteen-year-old, in the hope of eluding a fearsome patriarch who wants to put your name on a register.

November 4th

Scorpio (Oct. 23 - Nov. 22) - The weekend goes badly. You throw a bukkake party, but nobody comes.

Sagittarius (Nov. 23 - Dec. 21) - It dawns on you that as long as you look stressed and unhappy while you do it, you can check out as many girls as you want, and they won't suspect anything. Purse those lips, sigh, frown, and eye up dem titties.

Capricorn (Dec. 22 - Jan. 19) - You fart during your job interview, but you manage to convince the panel that it was the sound of someone in the next office tearing duct tape off the wall.

Aquarius (Jan. 20 - Feb. 18) - There are plenty more fish in the sea, as your dad always says. Well, he used to say that, before that whole BP/Louisiana oil spill thing.

Pisces (Feb. 19 - March 19) - Did you know the French have a word - sillage [1] - for the trail of perfumed air a woman leaves behind her as she walks away? What you have is like the Dark Side version.

Aries (March 20 - April 19) - You get another rejection letter from a publisher regarding your series of books about David Sleuth, an adolescent detective who cannot stop masturbating.

Taurus (April 20 - May 21) - A friend posts a video on your wall saying, "This reminds me of you" but when you click on it, it says YouTube removed it for violating its decency standards.

Gemini (May 22 - June 21) -You laugh in the face of death, but then you also laugh at Adam Sandler movies. You are just very easily amused.

Cancer (June 22 - July 22) - The only way you can get through hearing Katy Perry's Roar another time at the gym, is pretending that the word is her euphemism for breaking wind.

Leo (July 23 - Aug. 22) - Stage one: Hear about a sub-genre of porn that sounds disgusting. Stage two: Check it out, out of morbid curiosity. Stage three: Find yourself inexplicably drawn back to videos despite initial revulsion. Stage four: Exhaust your fave site's catalogue of said genre. Stage five: Cause breakup with partner over insistence on recreating videos. And round and round we goooooooooooooo.

Virgo (Aug. 23 - Sept. 22) - You discover that a water-damaged iPhone can dry out when placed in rice. Then you discover it doesn't work with egg fried rice from the local Chinese takeaway.

Libra (Sept. 23 - Oct. 22) - Your friend takes you to a vegetarian restaurant tomorrow and you have a Tofu Hot Dog. If you want to remember what it tastes like, just burp any time in the following 5 days.

October 9th

• Libra (Sept. 23 - Oct. 22) - After years of unprotected sex, you finally go for an HIV test, and it turns out you don't have a magic Johnson.

• Scorpio (Oct. 23 - Nov. 22) - Your friend was lying to you when he said that "There must be 50 ways to leave your lover" includes the lyric "Have homosexual sex, Rex", but anyway, it's all experience.

• Sagittarius (Nov. 23 - Dec. 21)- Turns out putting ear plugs up your rectum doesn't lead to silent farts.

• Capricorn (Dec. 22 - Jan. 19) - When your friend's wife explains she is having problems breastfeeding their newborn, avoid the temptation to refer to her breasts as milk duds.

• Aquarius (Jan. 20 - Feb. 18) - It was hard back in March when your girlfriend miscarried. It's been even harder keeping up the charade that she is still pregnant with everyone at work, but the paternity leave kicks in next week and it's all worth it.

• Pisces (Feb. 19 - March 19) - You can't find a single plastic bag in your house, which means you have to carry your packed lunch to work in a garbage bag. You believe it's basically the same principle, but the rest of society doesn't agree.

• Aries (March 20 - April 19) - Every night your mother calls you to say, "I love you Johhny," which is demoralising, because Johhny is your brother's name.

• Taurus (April 20 - May 20) - Making a woman have an orgasm is not brain science, and I don't think cutting her skull open and tinkering with the squidgy bits makes it so either.

• Gemini (May 20 - June 21) - You call a "no win, no fee" line for accidents at work, only to be told that shitting yourself during a meeting doesn't count.

• Cancer (June 22 - July 22) - Your granddad passed on his girls' bike seat fetish to your dad, who passed it on to you, and you realise that the three of you have created a cycle of abuse.

• Leo (July 23 - Aug. 22) - On Wednesday you fall unconscious after taking a pack of painkillers. The security guard at the pharmacy has a zero tolerance policy on shoplifters.

• Virgo (Aug. 23 - Sept. 22) - Saturday night starts kind of You Shook Me All Night Long and ends up rather Dude Looks Like a Lady.

September 21st

• Libra (Sept. 23 - Oct. 22) - Riding up the escalator tomorrow might seem the perfect moment to dispose of a fart: the movement away from the scene of the crime, the background noise, etc. However, remember a cursory glance behind you to check the coast is clear is not enough: there might be a small child whose face is directly in line with your anus when you break wind.

• Scorpio (Oct. 23 - Nov. 22) - It's really hard to find that one special person. Especially when you insist on poop play.

• Sagittarius (Nov. 23 - Dec. 21) - This week brings you seven days closer to your destiny: a newspaper article ending in the phrase "before turning the gun on himself."

• Capricorn (Dec. 22 - Jan. 19) - Regular sex is important to keep a relationship feeling vital. If you don't fancy it with your partner anymore, sex with someone else is a useful alternative.

• Aquarius (Jan. 20 - Feb. 18) - You spend the whole week trying to convince your friends that there is something called the shit box challenge.

• Pisces (Feb. 19 - March 19) - Your first day at work is a baptism of fire. Which is not good for a priest.

• Aries (March 20 - April 19) - You always feel embarrassed at parties when people ask you what you do, so you make a resolution: in the future you will lie about your job.

• Taurus (April 20 - May 20) - That was a bitter pill to swallow. Turns out it was a suppository.

• Gemini (May 20 - June 21) - Your idea to play an mp3 of a woman sobbing every time your overly-amorous neighbours get it on backfires, taking their lovemaking to new and disturbing places.

• Cancer (June 22 - July 22) - Your visit to a strip club is spoiled by the nagging suspicion that the girls are deliberately breaking wind in front of you.

• Leo (July 23 - Aug. 22) - The good news is you remember where you left your love egg. The bad news is, Papi has to lay that motherfucker now.

• Virgo (Aug. 23 - Sept. 22) - You sign up for a charity mastubatathon, with your friends sponsoring you per wank. Twelve orgasms in, you are completely spent, but it's the thought of those poor starving Africans' faces that gets you through to the baker's dozen.

September 3rd

• Virgo (Aug. 23 - Sept. 22) - While you're on your cigarette break on Thursday, vandals break into your egg-timer shop and turn the whole place upside down in 3-5 minutes.

• Libra (Sept. 23 - Oct. 22) - It's horrible when burglars break into your home while you're sleeping, but it's even worse when your rottweiler takes their side.

• Scorpio (Oct. 23 - Nov. 22) - Love is in the air this week, but so is the Ebola virus, so be careful where you sniff.

• Sagittarius (Nov. 23 - Dec. 21) - Sometimes your life feels like one long Game of Thrones episode with constant backstabbing, scheming for power, and lustful desire to take your sister from behind.

• Capricorn (Dec. 22 - Jan. 19) - On Friday you feel very cocksure after managing to have sex with a colleague at the office, until someone points out your mother fucks half a dozen guys a night in her workplace.

• Aquarius (Jan. 20 - Feb. 18) - This week you suffer the indescribable pain of accidentally closing a browser window in which you had a movie buffering for a good ten minutes. Be strong.

• Pisces (Feb. 19 - March 19) - Somehow the ice bucket challenge goes wrong for you: as soon as the water makes contact with you, you develop motor neurone disease.

• Aries (March 20 - April 19) - Your self-esteem goes through the roof when your boss rates your time at his company as an unpaid intern as 'OK'.

• Taurus (April 20 - May 20) - It's your turn to do the day shift at the strip club. Twerking nine to five, what a way to make a living!

• Gemini (May 20 - June 21) - Your date with a Buzzfeed writer proves a disappointment, after she gives you a list of "Ten Guys I Want Up Inside Me" and you find you are not on it.

• Cancer (June 22 - July 22) - While you have enjoyed guilty success at the Open Mic comedy night ripping off old Woody Allen and Bill Hicks routines, this week you discover that the general public is not ready to hear a white boy doing a routine called "Black people vs niggas".

• Leo (July 23 - Aug. 22) - You are slowly learning to accept that Doritos are not an acceptable side dish. Or a main.

July 23

• Leo (July 23 - Aug. 22) - You have spent so long scouring the internet for gorgeous World Cup football babes, that you are now unable to climax unless a woman has a face painted with the colours of a national flag.

• Virgo (Aug. 23 - Sept. 22) - Your friends are aghast when you tell them you spend the entire working day spilling seed here, there and everywhere, until you explain that you are a farmer.

• Libra (Sept. 23 - Oct. 22) - Your threesome on Wednesday gets off to a disastrous start, when both of your would-be lovers lean in to give you oral sex at the same time, and there is a nasty clash of heads.

• Scorpio (Oct. 23 - Nov. 22) - You tell your roommate you slept like a baby, neglecting to explain that means you messed yourself during the night and woke up crying.

• Sagittarius (Nov. 23 - Dec. 21) - Ever since you were a teenager you have identified with Spiderman. Not for the great power, great responsibility crap, but because just like him, you hide cameras in corners to take secret photos, and you can produce a sticky white fluid with a magic flick of your wrist.

• Capricorn (Dec. 22 - Jan. 19) - After noticing that both Jimmy Savile (now then, now then) and Rolf Harris (can you tell what it is yet?) are sexual predators whose voices used to be imitated by every impersonator under the sun, you become desperately worried that there may be a sex ring involving Sean Connery, Al Pacino, and Christopher Walken.

• Aquarius (Jan. 20 - Feb. 18) - You wrestle with deep philosophical questions, like: before people lived in houses, where did indoor plants grow?

• Pisces (Feb. 19 - March 19) - Friday brings a dilemma when you fart while your partner is in the bathroom: in the thirty seconds afterwards, do you opt to trap the fart in the bedding, hoping she won't unleash it as she gets back into bed, or do you kick the sheets with all your might, hoping to disperse the smell ASAP? The answer: follow your heart.

• Aries (March 20 - April 19) - The world is so complex that it's hard to know who to sympathise with. After 2 Girls 1 Cup, many bloggers and journalists condemned the treatment of the film's two stars. But did they spare a thought for the stars of 3 Girls 1 Cup or 4 Girls 1 Cup? Do they realise we are now up to 11 Girls 1 Cup? I'll send you the link later, it's mayhem.

• Taurus (April 20 - May 20) - Immediately after climaxing on Thursday, you begin questioning why you do this, why you go to parties, why you try to get laid. This is called vagin-dsight. It doesn't look right written down, but it sounds good.

• Gemini (May 20 - June 21) - You believe that everyone has a perfect soulmate, and you are just grateful that yours was in the same geographical area, and was of the same race and social class as you.

• Cancer (June 22 - July 22) - They're pinky and the brain, they're pinky and the brain… no, I'm sorry, even if I sing it, I still think it's a weird thing to call your cock and balls.

July 1

• Cancer (June 22 - July 22) - Like a dog, you’re a naturally sociable animal, a fiercely loyal friend, and when it gets hot, you lie on your tummy and press your balls against the ground.

• Leo (July 23 - Aug. 22) - You often boast that you don't jerk off because it feels like "trying to tickle yourself". Avoid following this up with the admission that you climax up to five times a day by humping Teddy.

• Virgo (Aug. 23 - Sept. 22) - Coelho said, “Imagine two men go to a stream after putting out a forest fire. The face of one is all smeared with black, while the other man’s face is completely clean. Which of the two will wash his face? Both, because the man with the clean face will see his colleague and say to himself: "I must be dirty too. I’d better have a wash." On Tuesday, you learn it doesn't work if you come out of the forest and masturbate.

• Libra (Sept. 23 - Oct. 22) - You have always wanted to be spiritual but disliked how 'preachy' religion can get, so you decide to get really intense about juicing and pilates.

• Scorpio (Oct. 23 - Nov. 22) - Stacey, the girl that you meet through match.com on Tuesday, rightly points out that describing yourselves as "outdoorsy" is not quite as accurate a description as "homeless".

• Sagittarius (Nov. 23 - Dec. 21) - Your friend announces the birth of his baby daughter on Facebook. Follow everyone else's congratulatory lead, and resist the urge to ask "Is Monica's pussy ok?"

• Capricorn (Dec. 22 - Jan. 19) - You have to accept that you have put on weight when a friend points out that even the small of your back is massive.

• Aquarius (Jan. 20 - Feb. 18) - You decide to run 5 miles a day. That way, in a month's time, you will be 150 miles away from the crime scene.

• Pisces (Feb. 19 - March 19) - The stars are telling me you have always prided yourself on your steady hand when trimming your pubic hairs, but this weekend you get cocky. Oh wait, they're saying Cocky is with a capital c. Wait, you call your penis Cocky?

• Aries (March 20 - April 19) - You worry that your new girlfriend might not be the sharpest tool in the box, when you ask her "Who's your daddy?" during a frantic act of coitus, and she duly recites her father's full name and address.

• Taurus (April 20 - May 20) - Your friend told you that it's impossible to tell when someone's urinating in the sea. What he neglected to explain was that it only works like that if you're entirely immersed in the water, not when you're just dipping your feet.

• Gemini (May 20 - June 21) - Clean your ass. I don't mean that in a sassy, hip hop way, I mean get some soap lathered up, give your backside a good once over and then shower it, or preferably sink it in the bath for an hour. You stink.

June 9

• Gemini (May 20 - June 21) - After watching a documentary about a tribe in Africa where the women wear huge lip discs, you start thinking about how society helps shape what we think we want and desire. Then you turn your attention to convincing your girlfriend to go ass to mouth.

• Cancer (June 22 - July 22) - You believe that homosexuality is wrong as God created Adam and Eve, not Adam and Steve. Less conventionally, you also believe God is OK with incest, as he must have let Adam and Eve’s kids fuck each other to produce the rest of us.

• Leo (July 23 - Aug. 22) - Your graduation ceremony is ruined when you learn your careers advisor only told you to go into acupuncture as a joke, because all the teachers thought you were a “little prick”.

• Virgo (Aug. 23 - Sept. 22) - You start to worry as you find yourself attracted to your 13-year-old cousin, but then you remember you’re a Pakistani and she is arranged to be your bride, so no worries.

• Libra (Sept. 23 - Oct. 22) - Just like Wolverine, you’re the very best at what you do, and what you do ain’t very nice. It’s really true in your case, though.

• Scorpio (Oct. 23 - Nov. 22) - You learn a lot at your first cookery class, including the fact you have been pronouncing “cumin” wrong all these years.

• Sagittarius (Nov. 23 - Dec. 21) - You’re happy to tell everyone that you fought in Vietnam. What’s important is that you leave out the fact the fight happened in 2012, and it was with a transsexual prostitute who shortchanged you.

• Capricorn (Dec. 22 - Jan. 19) - Back in college, making deposits at the sperm bank every day seemed a great way to earn money. Now, you realise that, when your midlife crisis comes, you’re going have to look twice at any girls more than 18 years younger than you.

• Aquarius (Jan. 20 - Feb. 18) - Some people, like you, think the glass is half full. Others think it’s half empty. What’s important is that we all agree you should wash the glass out and not collect that stuff in the future.

• Pisces (Feb. 19 - March 19) - You discover you have a super power, but unfortunately, all you can do is shape-shift into a foetus.

• Aries (March 20 - April 19) - You feel a close affinity with Batman this week, as you dress up in black PVC and punch bewildered strangers in the face.

• Taurus (April 20 - May 20) - Fuck everyone else. You’re fine as you are.

May 17

• Taurus (April 20 - May 20) - On Tuesday a small yappy-type dog crosses your path, and for some reason, you are able to punt him across the street with absolutely no consequences. What do you mean, you don't believe me?
• Gemini (May 20 - June 21) - After Wednesday you have completed your set: whatever religion is right, you are going to hell.
• Cancer (June 22 - July 22) - The week starts badly when, brushing some crumbs off your lap at breakfast, you notice that your penis has detached, silently, like an eye lash.
• Leo (July 23 - Aug. 22) - When there's something strange, in your neighborhood, who you gonna call? What do you mean, the KKK?
• Virgo (Aug. 23 - Sept. 22) - The heart wants what it wants. But that's not your heart, and you're not allowed to want them.
• Libra (Sept. 23 - Oct. 22) - I know you really like the line, but I think it's time to retire "I would DRINK your bath water." It's just not proving successful.
• Scorpio (Oct. 23 - Nov. 22) - When you were young, packing for holidays was so simple. Now it's all vibrators, love eggs, nipple clamps and lube. When did life get so complicated?
• Sagittarius (Nov. 23 - Dec. 21) - You worry you are becoming unproductive when your mother asks what you did today, and you reply, "Game of Thrones".
• Capricorn (Dec. 22 - Jan. 19) - You become the first father in history to include a section on double penetration in his son's first talk on the birds and the bees.
• Aquarius (Jan. 20 - Feb. 18) - On your first day at the maracas factory, you just click with everyone.
• Pisces (Feb. 19 - March 19) - You believe human life is sacred even before conception, which is why you always masturbate tearfully into a casket. Which is starting to fill up, BTW.
• Aries (March 20 - April 19) - You impress on your blind date by reciting "I am not the pheasant plucker, I'm the pheasant plucker's son. I am only plucking pheasants 'till the pheasant plucker comes. I'm not the pheasant plucker, I'm the pheasant plucker's wife, and when we pluck together it's a pheasant plucking life" three times in a row.

May 8

• Taurus (April 20 - May 20) – Your life is beginning to feel like a series of trials, but that's mostly because you keep getting arrested.

• Gemini (May 20 - June 21) – After going out with her for a few weeks, you were comfortable enough to burp in front of her. After living with her for a few months, you farted in front of her. Now after being married for three years, on Wednesday you finally take a shit with her right there in the bathroom.

• Cancer (June 22 - July 22) – You never thought you'd be into transsexuals, but now, well, you don't know really. It's odd. Interesting to look at. (See right.)

• Leo (July 23 - Aug. 22) – Suited and booted, with a briefcase in one hand and a Starbucks cup in the other, you stride through the city's financial district with confidence, and no one has any idea you're an unemployable bum.

• Virgo (Aug. 23 - Sept. 22) – On Wednesday, when you feel the sneeze coming, don't just cover your nose with the tissue - remember that sometimes when we sneeze, snot comes out of the mouth too. And hits people.

• Libra (Sept. 23 - Oct. 22) – Your claim that you are Superman and that you were simply changing out of your normal clothes in that phone box and not exposing yourself rather falters when the policeman notes that you do not have a Superman outfit.

• Scorpio (Oct. 23 - Nov. 22) – On Thursday Venus moves into your sign, meaning it is the perfect day for love-making. Unfortunately, you are also going to lose a relative on the same day, so you will have to play through the pain.

• Sagittarius (Nov. 23 - Dec. 21) – Give a man a fish and he shall eat dinner. Teach a man to fish and he shall eat for life. You really should have taught him how to swim first though.

• Capricorn (Dec. 22 - Jan. 19) – Visiting your parents for the first time in months, you worry that you might not come from culturally elite stock when you notice your father scratching himself before getting on with making lunch.

• Aquarius (Jan. 20 - Feb. 18) – Settling down to watch an episode of Modern Family, it dawns on you that you would do every female member of the case except the Asian kid, and, knowing you, she will probably make the cut before the series is over.

• Pisces (Feb. 19 - March 19) - When a feminist friend convinces you that pornography objectifies women, you vow to watch exclusively gay stuff from now on.

• Aries (March 20 - April 19) – On Sunday, your Tourette's Syndrome actually comes in handy when you meet a cock-sucking, mother-fucking cunt.

April 26

• Pisces (Feb. 19 - March 19) - Your lifelong habit of saying "That's what i think of you and your religion" as an amusing way to introduce a fart causes tension with your new roommate from Saudi Arabia.

• Aries (March 20 - April 19) – Whatever happened to that bright-eyed youngster, full of dreams and ideals, with the whole world at his feet? The police call on Monday, they want to ask you a few questions about him.

• Taurus (April 20 - May 20) – You never understood why school bullies always picked on you and said you were gay. Turns out, you're fucking gay! (See right.)

• Gemini (May 20 - June 21) – A meeting with the cosmetic surgeon brings good and bad news: you can afford the nose job and the liposuction, but the penis extension is going to be a bit of a stretch.

• Cancer (June 22 - July 22) – Venus moves into your sign this week, and your sign is all like, "What the fuck?"

• Leo (July 23 - Aug. 22) – Inspired by the story of St George, you decide to dress up as a knight and kill a dragon. Unfortunately, that was the only komodo dragon that the city zoo had, and the visitors were really upset, especially the kids.

• Virgo (Aug. 23 - Sept. 22) – You must have flushed the chain four times - that didn't work - so you mashed the sucker with a toilet brush - then two more flushes, and then an acrobatic cleaning session involving stretching the shower head over towards the toilet and rinsing the shit off the brush head. Absolutely epic, and there's no one you can tell. Polite society sucks.

• Libra (Sept. 23 - Oct. 22) – Returning to civilisation after years spent as a castaway, everything seems strange: the luxury of blowing your nose into a soft tissue, the unspeakable ease of flicking a light switch, and the fact that you can no longer stand on the beach masturbating into the sea.

• Scorpio (Oct. 23 - Nov. 22) – After years of looking for a girl who actually loves anal sex, you're delighted to find one, but you find yourself in a quandary when she reveals she insists on doing it bareback after a creamy curry.

• Sagittarius (Nov. 23 - Dec. 21) – After a day spent staring at a computer screen at the office, followed by a night spent staring at a computer screen at home, you've come to understand that the main difference between your work time and leisure time is whether you have your pants up or down.

• Capricorn (Dec. 22 - Jan. 19) – You start to worry that it's been too long since you had physical contact with a woman, when an fat old lady accidentally brushes her behind against yours in a café and you get the biggest erection of your life.

• Aquarius (Jan. 20 - Feb. 18) – You decide to take up karate, just for kicks.

March 28

• Aries (March 20 - April 19) – So I finally got into Breaking Bad. Dude I have to say, the basic message is not "Dealing meth is a victimless crime."

• Taurus (April 20 - May 20) - You can proudly say you hate only three types of people: sexual abusers, racists, and people who say there is caffeine in green tea.

• Gemini (May 20 - June 21) – After many years of personal struggle, you realise that you have to accept that any girl who calls you "Papi", no matter how delicious, is not a long term prospect. (See right.)

• Cancer (June 22 - July 22) – Your embarrassment at going to work naked is alleviated when you remember you are a stripper.

• Leo (July 23 - Aug. 22) – You surprise everyone when you start your "Top 10 Tips for Success" with "1. Try Heroin."

• Virgo (Aug. 23 - Sept. 22) – On Wednesday you will be lucky in love. Every single one of you - even the really, really old ones, and the really, really young ones. I know, weird, right?

• Libra (Sept. 23 - Oct. 22) – Remember, when a woman in a bar asks you, "What's your poison?", don't reply, "It's not poison, it's only rohypnol."

• Scorpio (Oct. 23 - Nov. 22) – Relations with your step dad worsen when he reveals that he recently made your mother lactate some milk she was apparently withholding from you.

• Sagittarius (Nov. 23 - Dec. 21) – Your ex-girlfriend just rang, she said she left you because your penis was too big and you were so clever and funny it was intimidating. Now, will you please get in off the window ledge?

• Capricorn (Dec. 22 - Jan. 19) - Your friend, a new father, tells you kids are like farts, presumably because they smell, you normally regret doing one, and in order to produce one, an orifice in your nether regions needs to dilate considerably.

• Aquarius (Jan. 20 - Feb. 18) – Venus moves into your sign this week, which could mean a sudden influx of wealth. I know that sounds crazy, but bear in mind it's a whole fucking planet we're talking about here.

• Pisces (Feb. 19 - March 19) – Let me trace the trajectory of your life for you since graduation. 2008 - wake up and smell the roses. 2011 - wake up and smell the coffee. 2014 - wake up, you've shit the bed.

February 17

• Aquarius (Jan. 20 - Feb. 18) – The week turns sour when you are reprimanded for singing "You give love a bad name" on the way to the sexual harassment information session.

• Pisces (Feb. 19 - March 19) – Lying in bed with the most beautiful woman you have ever know, you develop a new technique to fart silently: imagining your bottom as a face, with your anus blowing out little puffs gently.

• Aries (March 20 - April 19) – Your philosophy teacher might not agree but I think it's a valid question you asked: should a man keep wiping until the toilet paper is completely clean, or until there is a respectably small amount of shit on it?

• Taurus (April 20 - May 20) - If you are single, Wednesday will be a great day to meet someone new. If you're in a relationship, I don't really know what that means. Maybe something good will come on TV, or something.

• Gemini (May 20 - June 21) – After years believing you had no 'type' when it came to the opposite sex, you finally come to accept that you're a sucker for big tits.

• Cancer (June 22 - July 22) – Next Thursday at 14.32 you hit your elbow, and say, "Ow, fuck, I just hit my elbow."

• Leo (July 23 - Aug. 22) – The radiator says "DO NOT COVER" but you go ahead and dry your underwear on it anyway. You daredevil.

• Virgo (Aug. 23 - Sept. 22) – In Chinese, the word for crisis can also mean opportunity. The next time you meet a Chinese guy, ask him if there's a second meaning to "revenge pornography lawsuit".

• Libra (Sept. 23 - Oct. 22) – Your tendency is to fight fire with fire - but that will not get you very far working for the fire department.

• Scorpio (Oct. 23 - Nov. 22) – Your dad always said you'd never amount to anything. But he didn't predict you'd develop a scat fetish, so he wasn't exactly Nostradamus, was he?

• Sagittarius (Nov. 23 - Dec. 21) – Before asking "Where my motherfucking niggas and my bitches at?", always remember to look in the last place you saw them.

• Capricorn (Dec. 22 - Jan. 19) – The fuck stops here.

February 5

• Aquarius (Jan. 20 - Feb. 18) – Most girls, on finding out that their ex still masturbates over them, would be flattered. But not her. No, she threatens to call the police, tells you to get out of her house and calls you a sick fuck.

• Pisces (Feb. 19 - March 19) – You live by the mantra, "Don't shit where you eat". Now is the time to demand more of yourself, and try and shit more often specifically in the toilet.

• Aries (March 20 - April 19) – Disappointment with the job interview on Monday, as you manage only to say "waffles" repeatedly. It's all good practice, and anyway, that technique might work at the Waffle House.

• Taurus (April 20 - May 20) - On Wednesday, a friend tells you to take a box of tissues when you go to see 12 Years A Slave. Weird, cos in the end, you don't need to wank once.

• Gemini (May 20 - June 21) – I know you're nervous about talking to the doctor. Throw everyone in the waiting room off the scent by announcing clearly to the receptionist: "I have an appointment. It's not for syphilis."

• Cancer (June 22 - July 22) – On Friday you realise that "living statue" in your local park is just a tramp who's frozen to death.

• Leo (July 23 - Aug. 22) – What's in a name? A lot, as your father found out. While chewing gum became a worldwide success, his invention, Mastication Paste, confused and appalled customers.

• Virgo (Aug. 23 - Sept. 22) – Disturbing memories from your childhood mean that either Woody Allen sexually abused you, or Mia Farrow brainwashed you into thinking he did.

• Libra (Sept. 23 - Oct. 22) – A whole day of home improvement is wasted when you realise that the house you're painting is not yours.

• Scorpio (Oct. 23 - Nov. 22) – The recent Chinese New Year makes you reflect on things, like where your dog has been for the last week.

• Sagittarius (Nov. 23 - Dec. 21) – So you work hard staying late in the office for months and no one seems to notice you, but the minute you go on YouPorn for some stress relief it's all "internet history this" and "did you think of the poor cleaners?" that.

• Capricorn (Dec. 22 - Jan. 19) – My telescope's broken, but I see a full moon and a fire sign - so lay off the Mexican food this week.

Christmas!

• Capricorn (Dec. 22 - Jan. 19) – Teacher says, every time a bell rings an angel gets his wings. But that's no excuse to keep opening the front door of that massage parlour.

• Aquarius (Jan. 20 - Feb. 18) – It came without ribbons. It came without tags. It came without packages, boxes or bags. And he puzzled and puzzled 'till his puzzler was sore. Who brought that blow up doll in here?

• Pisces (Feb. 19 - March 19) – You lose concentration while the Ghost of Christmas Future is talking to you due to his radical threads and hoverboard.

• Aries (March 20 - April 19) – "No! No! I want an Official Red Ryder Carbine-Action Two-Hundred-Shot Range Model Air Rifle!" Who knew the rosy-cheeked young boy who said that would grow up into a person making front page news, featuring the phrase "before turning the gun on himself."

• Taurus (April 20 - May 20) - You always hate Christmas, and this year it doesn't help when you learn that a local entrepreneur heard you saying "Bah humbug" and has since launched Baa Hamburgers, the finest lamb-burger joint in town.

• Gemini (May 20 - June 21) – Twas the night before Christmas, when all through the house/Not a creature was stirring, not even a mouse. Which means you can finally have a quick wank over some porn.

• Cancer (June 22 - July 22) – You create an indelible memory for your kids when they come down to see what's in their Christmas stockings, and find their father.

• Leo (July 23 - Aug. 22) – .'And so this is Christmas . . . what have you done?' Actually I don't want to know. I deleted you from my Facebook notifications because even the hints were too much.

• Virgo (Aug. 23 - Sept. 22) – The perfect Egg Nog recipe: one part egg to four parts nog.

• Libra (Sept. 23 - Oct. 22) – When Jimmy Stewart said, "Well, your money's in Joe's house - that's right next to yours. And in the Kennedy House, and Mrs. Macklin's house, and, and a hundred others," it was sweet because he was demonstrating how the town worked as a cooperative. It's not the same effect if you simply explain you haven't bought presents because all your money's in your drug dealer's house.

• Scorpio (Oct. 23 - Nov. 22) – I know you hate your job and it makes you suicidally depressed. But put a Santa hat on, it will do wonders.

• Sagittarius (Nov. 23 - Dec. 21) – God bless us, every one! Well not the Jews obviously. Or the Muslims. Or the atheists. We'll give the agnostics five more minutes.

Weekly Horoscopes

• Leo (July 23 - Aug. 22) - When your girlfriend accuses you of masturbating on her sister's bed at the weekend, denial seems like the obvious response. Unfortunately, that was a memory foam mattress you humped.

• Virgo (Aug. 23 - Sept. 22) - Your strategy of coughing to cover the noise of your farts was, on the surface, brilliant, but on Monday a colleague leaves breath-mints on your desk, and you worry about the impression you have made.

Weekly Horoscopes

• Aries (March 20 - April 19) – It's a good thing that you get your recommended daily allowance of calcium. It's not ideal that you get it through the amount of milk chocolate that you eat.

• Taurus (April 20 - May 20) - You used to think that at least you weren't as sad as "James Smithers" that dork who was always online, but this week you discover your well-meaning sister simply renamed "Skype Test Call" to make you feel better.

Weekly Horoscopes

• Pisces (Feb. 19 - March 19) – You decide to write "I thought you hated that cunt?" on your friends' Facebook walls every time they add a new friend.

• Aries (March 20 - April 19) – The good news is, there's a cure for your bad breath. The bad news is, it's chemotherapy.

• Taurus (April 20 - May 20) - Lots of people have grown curious about the taste of horsemeat recently, but remember, there is a fine line between buying fresh meat from a butcher and shooting a police horse in cold blood.

Week starting January 27th

• Aquarius (Jan. 20 - Feb. 18) – Things have come to a pretty pass when the only time during the day when you feel morally upstanding is when you plug your laptop in to charge it up.
• Pisces (Feb. 19 - March 19) – For a short-attention spanned onanist like you, good news: about five minutes after Twitter launched 6 second videos, people have uploaded porno clips.
• Aries (March 20 - April 19) – The Full Moon is in fiery Leo, and outgoing Jupiter is in your chart’s communication zone, so I think that either means fiery sex, or sexy arson.
• Taurus (April 20 - May 20) - Financial problems also ease from Wednesday. God bless those welfare checks. Now, to the dog track!
• Gemini (May 20 - June 21) – From Wednesday, when Jupiter stops stirring up confusion, you will start to see your way ahead more clearly. He can be such a prick sometimes.
• Cancer (June 22 - July 22) – Your status as a national treasure is put into doubt when you blame women for getting raped.
• Leo (July 23 - Aug. 22) – The Full Moon in your sign on Sunday gives you the advantage in a situation that has held you back in recent weeks. No one plays basketball like Teen Wolf!
• Virgo (Aug. 23 - Sept. 22) – Your intuition, which is heightened by the Moon on Sunday, is telling you something: you have made a complete fucking mess of your life so far.
• Libra (Sept. 23 - Oct. 22) – From Wednesday, when Jupiter, the planet of good fortune, starts to travel forwards through the area of your skies that rules your hopes and dreams, you make a breakthrough in your search for Heather Harmon.
• Scorpio (Oct. 23 - Nov. 22) – On Tuesday you get punched right in the face.
• Sagittarius (Nov. 23 - Dec. 21) – On Tuesday you discover a Scorpio has been doing really XXX-rated nasty stuff with your wife AND step-daughter.
• Capricorn (Dec. 22 - Jan. 19) – After hearing the latest on the Obama and Hilary sex scandal you seek out reports on the story from a wide range of political sources. Then look up some lookalike internet porn.

Week starting January 20th

• Capricorn (Dec. 22 - Jan. 19) – Last week you stepped in some dogshit. Oh wait, you want next week? Hang on, I was looking at the chart upside down.

• Aquarius (Jan. 20 - Feb. 18) – Do you believe a man can avoid his own destiny if he knows it? Or will his actions irrevocably lead to that certain fate? Either way, try and wear clean underwear on Wednesday, for the surgeons' sake.

• Pisces (Feb. 19 - March 19) – You are clever, but not so clever that a great job is going to just land in your lap. Shall I repeat that? You are clever, but not so clever that a great job is going to just land in your lap.

• Aries (March 20 - April 19) – A depressing moment on Tuesday when a great joke you think of turns out to have already been done to death by internet memers.

• Taurus (April 20 - May 20) - There is no shame in mispronouncing words you have only read and never heard aloud. Still, in the future, try to remember that monger as in cheese monger is not related to mong as in mongoloid.

• Gemini (May 20 - June 21) – A sad moment for your dead Leukaemia victim girlfriend this week, as she finds out you do not exist.

• Cancer (June 22 - July 22) – When a client offers to pay you with a blow job this week because she can't afford the bill, it makes you ask yourself challenging questions: if you converted your hourly rate into blowjobs, how many would you get a week? And what is the minimum amount of cash you need to buy food and knob cream?

• Leo (July 23 - Aug. 22) – After that girl from the other office half-smiled at you at the water cooler, you weren't sure how to react. I am here to tell you she definitely, definitely wants sex.

• Virgo (Aug. 23 - Sept. 22) – You worry about the effect films have on you after you watch Django and immediately go out and buy some slaves.

• Libra (Sept. 23 - Oct. 22) – Adam was lying to you when he said Obama used the n-word to 'swear in'.

• Scorpio (Oct. 23 - Nov. 22) – Your tensions ease off this week when your ruling planet, Jupiter, forges a strong link with Mercury, the planet of communication, leading you to decide to call the "Fat Married Sluts" hotline. God bless those sloppy harlots.

• Sagittarius (Nov. 23 - Dec. 21) – The Sun is travelling through your chart’s financial zone, and you may feel in a rush to steam ahead with your plans. Caution is advised. Try not to go too far, too fast, or take on more than you can handle. That's what he said.

Week starting January 13th

• Capricorn (Dec. 22 - Jan. 19) – Kant was interested in two things: the starry heavens above and the moral law within. As you read this astrology summary, crusty with various people's bodily fluids, do you not think that you're focusing too much on the first, and too little on the second?

• Aquarius (Jan. 20 - Feb. 18) – Be careful when praising Nazi Germany. While you may claim your opinion is based on mature and objective analysis, you still sound like a teenager who has discovered what naughty is.

• Pisces (Feb. 19 - March 19) – Sometimes asking a question can lead to you having to give the answers. Like when you walk into a police station and ask if raping a statue means you can be done for statutory rape.

• Aries (March 20 - April 19) – Realising you have a price can be depressing, but on Wednesday you find out that the price is too high, and you're going to have to lower it considerably if you want any clients.

• Taurus (April 20 - May 20) - You come into money from an unexpected source when someone mistakes you for a beggar.

• Gemini (May 20 - June 21) – I think your twin brother is fucking your wife while you're at work. Well I would if I was him.

• Cancer (June 22 - July 22) – "Voddy and coke"? While I'll admit your new girlfriend might have a certain verve to her, it's a bit worrying that she has a pet name for her favourite spirit.

• Leo (July 23 - Aug. 22) – A pleasant surprise this week as a debate about gun control with your friends ends with you all ceding points and agreeing. Next week abortion - right or wrong?

• Virgo (Aug. 23 - Sept. 22) – Men are from Mars, Women are from Venus, so your androgynous wardrobe and bisexual tendencies must make you a perfect earthling.

• Libra (Sept. 23 - Oct. 22) – On Thursday you are at the height of your powers when your in-laws come to dinner. It's a fine night to try it - cut the cheese while cutting the cheese.

• Scorpio (Oct. 23 - Nov. 22) – Sometimes you have to accept someone is not interested. When a girl says she'd rather go home with an Indian bus conductor than you, it's time to cut your losses.

• Sagittarius (Nov. 23 - Dec. 21) – A kinky relationship can be fun, but it's hard to find the balance. She seems to like it when you call her 'slut' but the last time you called her 'cum mop' she didn't like it. I'm telling you because I know you couldn't see her face at the time. The other two guys were in the way.

Week starting January 6th

Only available on http://en.uncyclopedia.co

• Capricorn (Dec. 22 - Jan. 19) – I am not liable for any misinformation you may receive through this page or through my premium rate hotline. I am sorry about failing to warn you, but I genuinely thought the cosmos was telling me 'Uranus is about to cave in'.

• Aquarius (Jan. 20 - Feb. 18) – I know, it feels a little bit like when Uncanny X-men spawned X-men and you didn't know whether to buy both titles or not, but just ride through it.

• Pisces (Feb. 19 - March 19) – Thursday’s link between romantic Venus and your ruler, Neptune, can only mean one thing: tell your partner it's S&M in the bedroom this week, or nothing.

• Aries (March 20 - April 19) – Merry Christmas, you fucking Orthodox Christian, you.

• Taurus (April 20 - May 20) - . With the New Moon and creative Venus on your side, you decide to kill your landlady. It worked out alright for Dostoyevsky so why shouldn't it work for you?

• Gemini (May 20 - June 21) – Spell out where you stand to your partner this week. Her redneck ass will take so long getting through the note that by the time she's finished you will be in the Northern states!

• Cancer (June 22 - July 22) – This week Venus rolls into your sign. Or is it Mercury? I always get those two mixed up. I like Saturn, that's the one with the rings around it.

• Leo (July 23 - Aug. 22) – This week’s New Moon can help you to draw up constructive, detailed plans. You can leave the competition for dead, so be ambitious and show some determination. Is it your round or mine?

• Virgo (Aug. 23 - Sept. 22) – Thursday’s link between romantic Venus and the telepathic planet, Neptune, means you should be able to make your girlfriend do exactly what you want with those slippers and that pipe.

• Libra (Sept. 23 - Oct. 22) – A New Moon on Friday means you should leave your partner and children. I don't care if you love them, it's a New Moon!

• Scorpio (Oct. 23 - Nov. 22) – At the end of every day, ask yourself, "What have you done today to make me feel proud?" If you can't think of anything, be more flexible, and extend the period to this week, these last few years. Or even extend it to what other people have done.

• Sagittarius (Nov. 23 - Dec. 21) – Your financial situation is causing you concern, but remember that you have resources you can turn to. One in the hand is worth ten in the bush, so find out what those girls charge and multiply it by ten.

New Year’s Resolution Special

• Capricorn (Dec. 22 - Jan. 19) – Tell your family about your past. You lost your virginity at age 11. To your local parish priest. You were a small, weak child, but luckily Father Jacob was frail and you overpowered and sodomised him.

• Aquarius (Jan. 20 - Feb. 18) – Give up drinking. Well, try. Well, try to cut down. Cut down a little bit. Have one less every day. Fuck it then, don’t.

• Pisces (Feb. 19 - March 19) – Go back to that gym, position yourself behind the bunnies doing their cardio, and beat it like there’s no tomorrow. Three times a week.

• Aries (March 20 - April 19) – Stop being a bit of a prick. You live in the big city, so you have to be a complete cunt to get anywhere.

• Taurus (April 20 - May 20) - Stop seeing that little trollop down the road. Concentrate your romantic energies on your wife and girlfriend.

• Gemini (May 20 - June 21) – Lose weight. I mean it, lose some for fuck’s sake, you fat bastard.

• Cancer (June 22 - July 22) – Get your finances under control. The key is prioritising. Spend your wages on paying the bills and the shopping. Steal to pay for drugs.

• Leo (July 23 - Aug. 22) – Take up an exciting new hobby. How about sky diving? For that extra added buzz, pack your parachute quickly and don’t double check it.

• Virgo (Aug. 23 - Sept. 22) – Live every day like it’s your last. Lie in a hospital bed and say goodbye to your bemused family.

• Libra (Sept. 23 - Oct. 22) – Be a better atheist. You try not to go to church every Sunday, but you went twice last year. Be disciplined.

• Scorpio (Oct. 23 - Nov. 22) – You’re 41 this year. If you can’t make it as a rock star this year, you won’t ever make it. So go out there and busk!

• Sagittarius (Nov. 23 - Dec. 21) – Confront your racism and homophobia by having a surprising relationship with a black fella.

Week starting 17th December

• Sagittarius (Nov. 23 - Dec. 21) - Your wife keeps making hints about wanting something black and hard for Christmas. Remember, you can get big bags of charcoal at most DIY stores.

• Capricorn (Dec. 22 - Jan. 19) - It's true, all women have needs, especially at this time of year. But that woman has special needs. That's why your plans for Tuesday are wrong.

• Aquarius (Jan. 20 - Feb. 18) - A word to the wise: the stockings one hangs up at the fireplace generally have a specific look - wooly and red. Those are fishnets, and they have a rip in them.

• Pisces (Feb. 19 - March 19) - On Wednesday, it might be more sensible to describe your passions as "Ella Fitzgerald, windsurfing and health treatments" rather than "scat, water sports, and facials" like at last year's Christmas dinner.

• Aries (March 20 - April 19) -Romantic Venus is in your sign from Monday until after the New Year, so fucking go for it. Don't let domestic ties restrict you, get as much pussy as you can, and tell 'em I told you it's ok.

• Taurus (April 20 - May 20) - Renaming Egg Nog, "Egg Niggaz!" is not going to make it more marketable to African Americans. Tell your mother to forget about her Christmas Bavarian market dreams.

• Gemini (May 20 - June 21) - On Thursday, romantic Venus is in tune with Uranus, the planet that brings sudden breakthroughs, and you will enter into a whole world full of wrong.

• Cancer (June 22 - July 22) -Socializing can be a real drain on your wallet, especially during the festive season. Now is the time to be responsible: more happy children, less happy endings at the massage place. I know, I know, Kim Yi has bills to pay too, but come on.

• Leo (July 23 - Aug. 22) - He's not the baby Messiah, man. That's not even a star, that's just a CD someone is hanging from their window sill to keep birds away. You're making a lot of noise, dude, you're banging really loudly at the door. Let's just get you home and into bed, hey?

• Virgo (Aug. 23 - Sept. 22) - This week finds you in philosophical mood; you wonder why, as a child, you always got so excited at Christmas, whereas now you don't. It's because the only thing that makes you happy is really weird shit now.

• Libra (Sept. 23 - Oct. 22) - It can be difficult for people of other religions this time of year, so find a Muslim, give him a Christmas present, and ask him if he fancies changing sides.

• Scorpio (Oct. 23 - Nov. 22) - I know you're fretting about last minute Christmas shopping, but don't worry, you'll have one less person to buy a present for than you think. I just can't tell you which one.

Week starting 10th December

• Sagittarius (Nov. 23 - Dec. 21) - Christmas is lubricated with the following epiphany: drinking decaf Coke doesn't feel like drinking real Coke, so decaf Coke and whiskey doesn't feel like a real drink, and you can help yourself to one any time of day.

• Capricorn (Dec. 22 - Jan. 19) - This week you're shocked to hear the Queen receives two parcels full of human excrement every week. Who on earth is sending the other one?

• Aquarius (Jan. 20 - Feb. 18) - For 50 weeks of the year, you can only explain away white marks under your nose as 'shaving cream' or 'toothpaste'. Remember: for the next few weeks, you can claim that that cocaine is really fake snow!

• Pisces (Feb. 19 - March 19) - Mercury gives you all the emotional clarity you need to make a vital decision. And it's delicious and shiny.

• Aries (March 20 - April 19) - Your usual Christmas office party hi-jinks - photocopying your backside - are complicated this year by a colleague who is sick of you and a tube of superglue.

• Taurus (April 20 - May 20) - On Wednesday, an atheist friend will sneer, "If God made the sun on the fourth day, how had four days passed?" at which point you shout, "OUR EARTHLY CONCEPT OF DAYS IS BASED AROUND ONE SPECIFIC STAR. THERE ARE MANY STARS IN THE UNIVERSE AND THE DAYS ON OTHER PLANETS ARE BASED ON THEIR ORBITS OF OTHER STARS. DON'T REPLACE ONE HELIOCENTRIC LOAD OF NONSENSE WITH ANOTHER!"

• Gemini (May 20 - June 21) - After years of hedonism, you've learned that it's what's inside that counts: you have cirrhosis of the liver.

• Cancer (June 22 - July 22) - Now is your chance to enjoy yourself! Having no friends or loved ones might be depressing in general, but your entire Christmas shopping can be completed on Tuesday, 5.15-5.30.

• Leo (July 23 - Aug. 22) - You start to worry your husband is getting sexually frustrated when you catch him looking up the skirt of the fairy on top of the tree.

• Virgo (Aug. 23 - Sept. 22) - When you pool ideas with friends, solutions are found and a long-held dream can become a reality. Now, everyone's car keys in a hat, and no one complain if he gets Miriam.

• Libra (Sept. 23 - Oct. 22) - Mercury gives you some intelligent business suggestions this week, but don't thank him, he totally copied them off Venus.

• Scorpio (Oct. 23 - Nov. 22) - The chore of writing Christmas cards to family and colleagues is livened up by doing it naked and occasionally rubbing the envelopes over your balls.

Week 12/03/12

• Sagittarius (Nov. 23 - Dec. 21) - Some languages, unlike English, describe the past as being ahead of us because we can see it, while the future, unknown, unseen, is behind us, as we stumble backwards through our lives. You're about to fall arse over tit.

• Capricorn (Dec. 22 - Jan. 19) - Getting a career project off the ground this week could be harder than you thought. You're not as quick on the trigger as you think, and the cashier isn't as weak as she looks.

• Aquarius (Jan. 20 - Feb. 18) - Outgoing, optimistic Jupiter is reversing through your chart’s adventurous zone, and you might find you bite off more than you can chew. Linda Lovelace was not made in a day.

• Pisces (Feb. 19 - March 19) - Don't jump into anything too ambitious this week. Just carry on being the massive, aimless loser you were the week before.

• Aries (March 20 - April 19) - When a new young lover asks you to share your wildest fantasy with her, remember what we discussed - your concept of kinky divided by 10.

• Taurus (April 20 - May 20) - "Itchy bum, surprise to come," your mother always used to say. On Thursday, you will find out the surprise. It's not as surprising as it might have been.

• Gemini (May 20 - June 21) - Friday night is likely to be especially active, so be careful not to tear your lovely new dress. And those lovely stockings too.

• Cancer (June 22 - July 22) - This week your ruler, Jupiter, in opposition to the Sun. Don't take sides, just let them fight it out amongst themselves.

• Leo (July 23 - Aug. 22) - New people you meet now may seem to have a lot to offer, but remember the maxim: not all that glitters is gold. And that white powder looks more like putty|Polyfilla]] than anything else.

• Virgo (Aug. 23 - Sept. 22) - It's important to strengthen your bond with your closest love ones this week - they're your only hope of an alibi.

• Libra (Sept. 23 - Oct. 22) - With Christmas around the corner, celebrate in your own special way by making your porridge with Bailey's instead of milk.

• Scorpio (Oct. 23 - Nov. 22) - This is a week to be decisive. If anyone messes with you, just sting them with your big, pointy tail

Week 11/26/12

• Sagittarius (Nov. 23 - Dec. 21) - One in twelve people in the world - more than 500m people - share your sign. On Thursday, you will have a job interview.

• Capricorn (Dec. 22 - Jan. 19) - Be careful not to over-exert yourself at the gym, you know what happened last time with the girls on the cardio machines, the security guard, and the unpleasantness.

• Aquarius (Jan. 20 - Feb. 18) - You tend not to open up to people until they get to know you well, which is unfortunate because not many people seem to want to start the process.

• Pisces (Feb. 19 - March 19) - Today will be really intense, especially the evening, when a social reunion will lead to pleasant, even exciting moments. Wear thick underwear and dark pants.

• Aries (March 20 - April 19) - You will spend the morning in thoughtful mood, going over what happened the night before, but by afternoon you will feel more positive - either everything burned up nicely, or you will accept the natural force of justice.

• Taurus (April 20 - May 20) - Nostalgia is a dangerous emotion, especially when an old school friend falls asleep on your sofa. Do what the 14 year-old you did not have the courage to do. And film it.

• Gemini (May 20 - June 21) - The moon in its current phase favors business deals, which is disappointing for you because you are unemployed.

• Cancer (June 22 - July 22) - I know it's weird that your sign is called Cancer, but don't worry, it doesn't mean you will get cancer. But living in the western world does.

• Leo (July 23 - Aug. 22) - The moon is in your sign this week, so your luck is in! Put all your life savings on a horse and wait for the cash to roll in.

• Virgo (Aug. 23 - Sept. 22) - Your aim for the week is to work on remaining serene, no matter how much the people around you try to rattle your cage. Remember, your wife is visiting on Sunday.

• Libra (Sept. 23 - Oct. 22) - Bad luck arrives this week in the form of a telephone bill which gives your partner too much of an insight into your taste for fat grandma sexlines.

• Scorpio (Oct. 23 - Nov. 22) - Everyone's life is distinct, so be careful when offering advice to friends who are in very different circumstances to you. Abortion is not for everyone.

Week 11/19/12

• Scorpio (Oct. 23 - Nov. 22) - A development in your love life will occur in the first half of the week, as that girl you have been 'wooing' in the office finally gets an injunction.

• Sagittarius (Nov. 23 - Dec. 21) - Real relief for you as the police announce the Jimmy Savile investigation won't be interviewing any more suspects.

• Capricorn (Dec. 22 - Jan. 19) - You will feel unhappy at work in the next few days. See that? I'm psychic.

• Aquarius (Jan. 20 - Feb. 18) - Follow your gut instincts. Like that little twinge you feel in your tummy after the Indian on Wednesday night? Run to the bathroom, quick as you can.

• Pisces (Feb. 19 - March 19) - This week you are especially fertile, so try to get pregnant. Unless you're a man, in which case I don't understand what the stars are saying.

• Aries (March 20 - April 19) - After losing a general election in a powerful country, people will hold up pictures of you, with the caption, "Out of a job". Point out firstly that being a presidential candidate isn't a job, and that secondly you have lots of money anyway and don't need to work.

• Taurus (April 20 - May 20) - I always get Taurus and Aires mixed up. You're the bull one right? Let's say this week you're going to be really stubborn about something.

• Gemini (May 20 - June 21) - Your split personality comes in handy this week when you convincingly deny knowing whose knickers they are, and what they are doing in your marital bed.

• Cancer (June 22 - July 22) - On Friday, when the doctor asks you how it got there, just say you sat on it by mistake.

• Leo (July 23 - Aug. 22) - The moon is in your sign this week, so your luck is in! Put all your life savings on a horse and wait for the cash to roll in.

• Virgo (Aug. 23 - Sept. 22) - Your romantic dinner on Saturday night is spoiled by your girlfriend's unreasonable reaction to your "Baked Bean a la Tin".

• Libra (Sept. 23 - Oct. 22) - This week your scales are more important than ever. Winter is coming so it's time to shed them and grow new ones.