User:HistoricallyFunny

The Blue States of America is the part of the United States that is never heard about in the news media or by anyone in Europe. To be specific, it is the only part of America with any kind of intelligence, decent education systems, health-consciousness, creativity, inventiveness, diplomatic finesse, or running water.

Due to the incredible gayness of the Red States, the Blue States made their own nation in 2008. W tried to stop them from leaving, and they FUCKED HIM UP.

History

2000 Election: The Blue States Are Born

Original 20/21 Blue States, as of the 2000 election. Florida is technically considered a Blue State, as it voted for Gore, but is officially counted as a Red State, because the people who fixed those votes made sure they went for Bush.

The Blue States of America came into existence in 2000, when Al Gore was elected President of the United States. The Republicans weren't very pleased with a Democratic victory, though, as it defied the Divine Prophecy expounded by God that stated, "A Bush shall sit high atop the land, and ye, the Bush shall bring fire and destruction, violence, hatred, and death wherever his eyes eyes shall fall, and he shall be known as the anti-Christ."

The prophecy went on to mention Al Gore as "the anti-Bush and last hope of temporal mankind, without whose defeat the Bush will be given a free hand to wield his reign of terror."

Robert Novak, a Catholic and expert in political prophecies, urged Bush's brother Jebbie (who, by coincidence, happened to be the Governor of Florida) to step in. When the voters of Florida defied the will of God and chose Gore over Dubya, the forces of self-righteousness quickly moved to correct the problem.

"Most of these people are Jews anyway," remarked Pat Robertson, a fundamentalist Christian. "Aren't they banned from voting?"

Having reached the conclusion that "for the sake of separation between church and state, Jews have no place in the voting booth," Florida Secretary of State Katherine Harris (who, also by sheer and unadulterated coincidence, was the Chairwoman for the Bush/Cheney campaign in Florida) certified the state's blatantly fraudulent electoral votes over fierce liberal objections. Harris would subsequently go on to get her ass kicked in a spectacularly embarrassing 2006 Senate race against incumbent Bill Nelson.

Needless to say, the Blue States were pissed. There was all kinds of drama about democracy being lost and the Constitution that had governed the United States for two hundred years being trampled, but in the end most people were distracted enough by their TVs and Play Stations to get over this. It was only the terrosists (who don't have televisions or video games) who simply refused to move on.

In the first four years of the Bush presidency, things really got screwed up. Nine months into his term, the new President was shocked to learn of terrorist attacks that had taken place in New York and in Washington, DC. Given that his national security team had been left extensive briefings by the outgoing Clinton Administration on the threat that Osama bin Laden and al-Qaeda posed, the events in the Northeast came as a complete surprise.

For like two weeks in late 2001, the whole Red/Blue thing kind of went away for a minute. Everyone was so upset at what had happened and so determined to avenge the country that they forgot, for just a moment, how much they in fact hated each other.

This promptly began to unravel in early 2002, when President Bush started talking about invading Iraq. The Blue States were all like, "Whoa, there, cowboy" and the Red States were like "Yee-haw, let's go kill us some A-Rabs!"

In 2003, the President ordered the U.S. military to to begin strikes on Iraq. Within a week, American forces had occupied Baghdad. Unfortunately, it soon became clear that W. had lied through his teeth to get the war started, and that made some Democrats very angry. That he might distract the people from what a deceitful little shrew he was, President Bush prematurely declared the Iraq conflict a "Mission Accomplished"--one month into a war that has now lasted for nearly four years. What a dumbass.

2004 Election: It's All About the Sectionalism

The 19/20 Blue States as of 2004. Notice that New Hampshire's I.Q. increased significantly in the four years following the 2000 election, while Florida, Iowa, and New Mexico's sharply plummeted. Ohio is sometimes considered a Blue State since it voted for Kerry, but, like Florida in 2000, the voting machines made sure it turned bright Red!

By 2004, the Blue States were beyond pissed. They were furious at the fact that their soldiers were dying in a pointless war, that their tax revenue was being spent to fund voucher schools in the South, that they were increasingly being dominated by a theocratic regime for which they had not voted, and, perhaps worst of all, that their President's moronic foreign policy had caused the rest of the world to think that they, like he, were retarded.

They had decided some time around the middle of 2003 that old Dubya had grown too comfortable in the White House, and they nominated one of their own, John Kerry, to run for the nation's highest office. The liberals were naive enough to believe that if they won the majority of votes, they would be able to assume leadership of the country.

Representative Peter King, a Republican from New York, was wise enough to see things differently.

When a television reporter (ironically, the daughter of future House Speaker Nancy Pelosi) asks him what he thinks of the GOP's chances in the upcoming contest, he replies, "It's already over. The election's over. We won."

Pelosi, laughing slightly, querries, "How do you know what?"

King answers, "It's all over but the counting. And we'll take care of the counting."

(NOTE: THIS IS AN ACTUAL QUOTE. SOURCE IS HERE: [1])

To make a long story short, Kerry won Ohio, but got pwned anyway. Now the Blue States were really fucking angry. Looking at the electoral map, it became apparent that the country had not been so rigidly divided since 1860, and some people began to suggest that the Blue States secede and make their own country[2].

After a trip to Starbucks, though, everyone was pretty much calmed down again.

Never fear, Bush is here! Had the President done an even halfway decent job his second time around, it may have been that the liberals remained quiet and content. Unfortunately, he messed up so bad that even the most oblivious of Democrats started to get riled up.

First there was the performance in 2005, when Hurricane Katrina wiped out the city of No Orleans and Bush remained on vacation in Texas, allowing his wildly incompetent underlings to mismanage the crisis and destroy thousands of lives.