User:Hellheart/Oscar Wilde's pair of left socks device
Oscar Wilde's Pair of Left Socks Device[edit | edit source]
“...the word ‘pair’ means a legal union between only one A Left Sock and one A Right Sock as surviving and eaten.”
“Man's best possession is a pair of Left Socks.”
“The Greeks thought gays were okay, and look what happened to them! ...What? They're still around?”
“Most people don't even know what a Left Sock is, so why should they care about it?”
“What's a sock? Give me my 10 cent coin back!”
“Right Socks need a reason to have sex. Left Socks just need a place.”
Introduction[edit | edit source]
A Oscar Wilde's Pair of Left Socks Device is the never-ending source of energy that powers the Uncyclopedia when the Cat-Toast Device is not working for some reason, the Stormtroopers vs. Red Shirts Device is under maintenance, and the Whale Blowhole Power Plants run out of money. Usually this happens when the energy-giving cat dies and must be replaced by a new one, Stormtroopers or Red Shirts are under maintenance, and swarms of homeless people pick all the 10 cent coins out of the air. Scientists are working constantly to figure out how to prevent this, in the meantime the Oscar Wilde's Pair of Left Socks Device For Fun and Profit Plan is on hold.
The device is composed of 2 exponentially increasing pure substances, and one very impure substance:
- A Left Sock - A sock that is worn on the left appendage (pegleg, tentacle, fin, tubelike apparatus, or spring).
- Another Left Sock - A sock that is not worn on the right appendage (paw, talon, roller bearing, stilt, or vaguely cylindrical object).
- A Very Messy Room - Wherein the owner can never find a matching pair of socks, and will often find single socks he swears he has never seen before.
History[edit | edit source]
In 1977 A.C., Oscar Wilde, while traversing A Very Messy Room in order to retrieve the kittens of its most recently-dead explorer, stumbled over an immense pile of socks, five empty bottles of lube, and a pound of butter.
These socks were all mismatched...but to Oscar Wilde's surprise, every sock was either A Left Sock or Another Left Sock! This was unusual because left-sockedness is a recessive trait. He Dig-Dug through the pile (setting the world record in the process) and found that A Left Sock and Another Left Sock on the bottom of the pile were touching each other (eeeeeew). It was apparent to less juvenile readers that this pair had begun to mate and produce offspring.
Theorem[edit | edit source]
A Pair of Left Socks Device is extremely profitable because later research by scientists proved inconclusive. However, subsequent research by a group of monkeys immediately discovered that when a pair of socks mate, the right sock always gets eaten by a grue. A pair of left socks, then, would produce offspring but never be eaten; furthermore, the offspring (which would all be either Left Socks or Another Left Socks) would pair with each other because they have no Right Socks (or Another Right Socks) to mate with...and let's face it, when the other socks isn't around, we all know what happens (eh, eh? Nudge, nudge). The monkeys then tried to patent this idea, but were denied because they were not wearing britches trousers jeans pants. This new theory replaced the old one of A Sockual Reproduction, which postulated that:
- "Duuuuuuude, do you think socks like, you know, do it?"
- "No way, dude."
- "But dude, where do all these wierd socks come from?"
- "Dude, they just, like, clone themselves and stuff."
- "That's like, totally rad, dude."
Oscar Wilde, always one to recognize any violation of the Law of Conservation of Energy of Electrons of Earth But Not of Space or Any Parallel Dimensions of String Theory or Religious Miracles or Cat-Toast Devices or Okay Fine Have It Your Way Don't Listen But You'll Be Sorry Mark My Words What Are You Doing With That Aargh, found a way to harness the limitless source of exponentially increasing matter - probably through Einstein's Theory of Relativity, or as it is more commonly known, fire.
All rumors about the Uncyclopedia being powered by a Cat-Toast Device or a Stormtroopers vs. Red Shirts Device or a Wind Farm or Whale Blowhole Power Plants are totally baseless. This, of course, makes them absolutely true. There are new theories emerging which claim that Uncyclopedia might be powered by a Troll-Flamer Symbiosis Device.
Dangers[edit | edit source]
Oscar Wilde's Pair of Left Socks Device is only used as a last resort, partly because the pairs can be sold to valued customers, and partly because of the following dangers:
Another Left Sock is different from A Left Sock, and only Oscar Wilde and professional kitten huffers can tell the difference. Attempting to pair two of A Left Sock or Another Left Sock may result in armageddon, ragnarok, defenestration, genocide, yiff, Wii, attack of the killer tomatoes, camwhoring, British accent, British teeth, horny plumbers, an unexpected Spanish Inquisition, no solicitors signs, bad tattoos, lost puzzle pieces, pink elephants, invisible monkey princes, taco invasions, harrier pigeons, universal suffrage, snakes on a plane, masturbation, Geneva Conventions, a more expected Spanish Inquisition, James Bond, demarcation, and/or The Pope.
While this works in any A Very Messy Room, do not attempt to create this device unless the Pair of Left Socks Device is in a closet (termed "The Closet"), and do not let any pair come out of The Closet. A pair of left socks is homosockuality and sockemy (the city of Sock 'em was destroyed in a rain of fire for practicing pugilism with robots - man, those rocked).
Artificially creating a Pair of Left Socks Device is very dangerous. The Left Socks must be in contact with each other with no Right Socks nearby for weeks for coupling to naturally occur. This process may be sped up by threating one or the other with a Shotgun That Shoots Shotguns (a Sockgun Wedding). Alternately, the socks can be worn as a pair, but putting either left sock on the right appendage may result in Decapitation Disease.
A pair of Right Socks will not mate, not even for a soiled $20 bill. This is probably a survival mechanism, as everyone knows that Right Socks are much sexier and they'd all mate with each other and die, and where would we be then? Do not let Right Socks touch each other, as this will cause all nearby Left Socks to become uncomfortably stiff.
Never attempt to mate White Socks and Red Socks. This usually ends in the death of the experimenter, followed shortly by one of the Socks. The officials would cry foul, and there would be a strike. Bassmen would get thrown out of their field, and then you'd certainly be batting zero. At least you could always run home in a pinch. But enough terms have been stolen from this basis, since I'm out of ideas.