User:Gavinmitchell/Junior Titch
“What the fuck?”
“He's kind of a big deal.”
Junior Titch (real name Tim Lindsay) born October 7th, 1982 was a popular mythical DJ and a legend in his own underpants. He was the bastard son of Johnny Cash and heir to the title of the Lion King.
It is rumoured Junior Titch was part human, part donkey. He was born out of a childhood trauma or a disaster that must one day be avenged.
Junior Titch has never been voted anywhere near the top 100 DJ poll and probably never will. He is more commonly remembered for being disqualified from the DJ competition at the 2004 Olympic Games after testing positive for steroids. Sadly he has not played anywhere since.
Career[edit | edit source]
DJ Titch (now Junior Titch) acquired a taste for music and began playing at friends parties when he was a sperm. At the age of seven, he rounded up his homies and jacked up a little lemonade stand. This would become a profitable business which now provides over a quarter of the worlds lemonade supply. His stall proved to be a hot spot with ravers during the summers of 1988 and 1989 (also known as the 'summer of lemonade'). He hosted several acid house parties and pulled in guests such as Seb Fontaine, Frankie Fat-Knucklehead, Runny Dumpling, Wolfgang Amadeus Mozart, and some guy named Steve. He would later pay tribute to this period by releasing legendary mix compilations such as "When I as a Sperm' and 'Warm Pissy Lemonade'.
Due to the fact he didn’t start puberty until he was forty-six, DJ Titch (now Junior Titch) had to live most of his life standing at just 2'4ft. He could often be found standing on top of a milk crate just so he could reach the mixer.
During the early part of 2000, DJ Titch (now Junior Titch) travelled to a DJ competition in Washington DC. This was an obvious attempt to become the forty-third President of the United States of America. It proved unsuccessful so DJ Titch (now Junior Titch) realising he could not compete, returned home to continue with his career in England.
In 2002, DJ Titch (now etc etc) was taken to court by cartoonist Pat Hutchings and his elder brother Andy Lindsay (also known Titch, also known as Big Brother) over rights to the name. Pat Hutchings was quickly dismissed by Judge Judy as nobody really cared about him. The trial lasted just 19 seconds with Andy Lindsay (Titch) winning with his patented running powerslam. This triggered the name change and signalled the true birth of Junior Titch. From 2002 to 2004 Junior Titch (previously DJ Titch / previously a sperm) embarked on what is known as the most manic phase of his career. He could often be found under the influence of various substances and was generally incapable of playing. He did however manage to play across Europe and in Narnia. A notable landmark of this era was birth of his joint promotion ‘Fisted’.
“Mmmm.”
Lifestyle[edit | edit source]
Junior Titch dropped out of school at a very young age to become a professional black man. He often attempted to keep his life away from music personal so very little was known about him. Top scientists from NASA and Boots (the chemist) have been working no this for years. Several of his followers have stated that he enjoyed nothing more than a quiet meal in the company of his friends. From his dental records we can tell he was a very keen meat eater who used his teeth to hunt for prey, luring them in before pounding them from all angles. Once in Sweden he ate genuine beaver and supposedly enjoyed it.
“I never eat it.”
It is believed that deep down he was somewhat of a mamas boy as he was very close to her. He used to cook for his mother every day and do the housework for her in the house he bought her. He also did the shopping for her. He once found this article and planned on challenging the author to a death match using only his prawn sized penis.
One of Junior Titch’s greatest legacies was his invention of sobbing behind closed doors. Many believe that this was drug and alcohol related but the theory remains to be proved. He often sobbed over friends, biscuits, broken hearts and crockery. His deep, heart-wrenching sobbing could be felt for miles around and usually occurred after dark. In 2003 he was credited for this by being awarded the Noble Peace Prize and a shiny pen. Despite these private problems, his brave public face and cheeky humour is so consistently spectacular that it is impossible not to like the little bastard.
“I have to be honest with you, that just smells like pure gasoline.”
Motto[edit | edit source]
Let there be fish.
Death[edit | edit source]
On December 16th, 2004 Junior Titch was mysteriously shot and killed in a drive-by incident at Maidstone, Kent. He is said to have been un-armed and alone in the dark. Even to this day, it is unclear who pulled the trigger. Some hardcore followers are convinced this related to a bitter territorial gangland feud with Arsene Wenger.
“I fucking hate him.”
Making a Difference[edit | edit source]
Since his death, Junior Titch has been credited as the main reason for the collapse of Russian Communism.
Conspiracy Theories[edit | edit source]
Like Jesus, it is believed Junior Titch will be resurrected from the dead and on the third day of a session in Ibiza. Junior Titch will be re-spawned into a monster. If you see him then stab him, preferably in the throat. He will probably rip you apart, but at least he'll be weaker for the next guy who tries it.
Did You Know[edit | edit source]
- If the phone rings, there's a 62% chance it's for Junior Titch.
- Junior Titch came before the chicken and the egg.
- When Junior Titch crossed the road, nobody even dared to question his motives.
- Spiderman wears 'let there be filth' pajama's.
- Junior Titch won the World Conker Championships using his left nad.
- The Black Eyed Peas were just The Peas before Junior Titch heard their music.
- Junior Titch won the Tour De France on his unicycle (backwards) just to show Lance Armstrong he could do it with one missing, he thinks yellow wristbands are for gays.
- During a football match, Junior Titch slide-tackled Heather McCartney.
- Giraffes were created when Junior Titch uppercutted a horse.