User:Furry/MLP
My Little Pony: Onanism is magic is an illegal series of pornographic videotapes in which underage boys discover "Their Little Pony" in various ways. Contrary to popular belief, the "My Little Pony" series does not involve bestiality in any way (with the exception of episode 23). The distributors of the tapes express concern at this misconception, because they consider such activities "tasteless." Instead, the boys partake in sexual orgies, incest, homosexual intercourse, and transsexual fellatio. Though it claims to be unscripted, many would-be fans claim that plotlines such as "Two Boys, a Girl, and a Hairy Old Guy" seem too farfetched to be spontaneous.
History[edit | edit source]
The franchise was conceived by Joe Francis, creator of Old Ladies Gone Wild, on a night while he was particularly intoxicated. While filming an act of lesbian coitus in "old ladys Gone Wild: Incredible Iceland," he passed out. He woke up with his pockets rifled through and a persistent erection. Thinking he had taken too much Viagra the previous night, he didn't pay it much mind. When it hadn't gone down after four hours, however, he called a hooker. By the time he got an appointment, he was sober enough to remember the dream that caused it. Whether due to the pungent marijuana or some sick perverted sex predator instinct, Joe Francis had dreamt about little boys touching themselves.
This realization was an epiphany to Joe Francis , and in perhaps the least original fashion possible, he invented "My Little Pony." His original goal was "To make the joy of kiddie porn available to the world. For a nominal fee, of course." For the first few years of its existence, it was cleared by the FCC for legal distribution, as long as it bore a "Warning: Objectionable Material Enclosed" label on its jacket. After the Janet Jackson scandal of 2004, however, the FCC dropped approval of it and it went underground. It is currently distributed by 20th Century Fox.
Participants[edit | edit source]
The participants are selected completely at random from a chatroom of young teenage boys. Occasionally, said boy will bring a younger brother or cousin along for the meeting, which is often organized at a mall or similar open-air space. They are then "sized up" by a crack team of pedophiles stationed around the mall. If a rating of "All night long baby" is earned, the boy is given a complimentary "My Little Pony" gumball and an address where the taping will occur. If they only earn "Not in mine but his for sure," the gumball is omitted. If the rating is "Twenty minutes tops," the boy receives only the gumball. Finally, if the boy receives "Not even if I were drunk, high, or Richard Simmons," they are killed by a process known as "killing" by the team's sniper. If a tagalong is brought, they automatically get the address, and are rated on the same scale, with a T-Shirt and an action figure in question.
Participants are bound to a strict "no-tell or we kill your family" contract. While this presents a rather improbable dilemma for an unwary lawyer, it has been proven that by being truly asinine an attorney can render it indisputable in a court. Fortunately for the families of hundreds of sodomized boys, not a word has been spoken about the escapades of countless motel rooms. However, occasional lawsuits have been brought about "My Little Pony," usually from vigilant viewers who spot their children on camera while they are touching themselves. Oddly enough, they usually sue their own children, who they hold liable for non-consensual incest. Most of these cases are thrown out before reaching court, but in one case "emotional damages" were rewarded to the plaintiff, who claimed seeing the son he impregnated his teacher with caused him undue pain because he "wasn't gay, just a little bi-curious."
Toys[edit | edit source]
Prominent in the "My Little Pony" series of video are the use of ironically self-referential toys for unspeakable acts. Any little child will tell you that my little ponies possess magical powers...THIS IS TRUE!!! I personally cary a My Little pony with me at all times. They can help you... pass a breath test (more fun than sucking on pennies), turn you on (when playboy fails), give you an 8 hour erection (please use with caution), and rape your dog.
These dolls, sold under the name of "My Little Pony" as well,are also played with by oblivious little girls who think it cute to brush their hair and "love" them. Though this has given Joe Francis additional ideas, he would get distracted by his latest work before they could come to fruition. These dolls are sold by Hasbro, a subsidiary of News Corp, and are an altogether lucrative business. Their net worth has increased exponentially as the illegality of the videos made them much more desirable to acquire. As such, they presently occupy one bedroom of many old ladies' houses (as well as those of 5-year-old girls), where their 40-year-old son doesn't look at pornography. It is assumed that when enough My Little Ponies are sold, they will rise up and take over the world, leaving nothing but grief, destruction, and pastel hair barettes in their wake.
Future[edit | edit source]
The future of both My Little Pony franchises seems secure. Due to the illegal nature of the videotapes, only Dog the Bounty Hunter could possibly destroy them, and he's in jail and/or doing guest spots on bad sitcoms. The toys are even more guaranteed, as most people who purchase My Little Pony dolls are unaware of the blatant innnuendo in the name. To date, the future of My Little Pony was only brought into question once, when a lack of stock from a female street vendor led Wayne Brady to utter the classic line, "Is Wayne Brady gonna have to choke a goddamn bitch?"
Some compare My Little Pony to a street drug; that is, something that is both illegal and fun to use with friends. This, of course, begs a question: is it possible for it to die when it is on such a prestigious level? Most say no. They cite the many instances where endeavors similar to the destruction of My Little Pony have failed: the Final Solution to the Homosexuality Problem, Prohibition of alcohol, Prohibition of stupidity (aka the No Child Left Behind Act), and many others. Only one thing is for certain: my little pony is going to have fun tonight!
Also 'My little Pony' brand has sold over four units (each unit consisting of one 'My little Pony' doll and one leaflet that small children may choke on) making it the slowest selling doll ever! Also found in a recent test made by scientist from Ur-anus that 99.999993% of people from all around the world hated the doll. The 0.000007% of people asked that liked the doll were small 'Girls' and eskimos.