User:Dr. Skullthumper/Why?:You shouldn't mess with Tito

You see that guy over there, sittin' in a corner all by his lonesome? That's Tito. You don't wanna mess with Tito. Now, we get some pretty rough characters in the bar, but we ain't never had someone like Tito.

Rumor has it, Tito is one tough cookie. Tougher than a cement Milano. They say he eats nails for breakfast. Not those typical metal nails either. I'm talkin' the nails of the people that piss 'em off, he rips 'em outta their decaying corpses with his teeth every morning. He ain't the most friendly of people. Hell, he's only got about sixteen friends on MySpace. And he deleted Tom, because Tito don't need no Tom. He don't need nobody.

Statistical analysis

Here friend, lemme spell it out for ya. There are two types of people in this world, kid. Those who are alive, and those who messed with Tito. Two? Three? Or something like that.

Here, lemme show you on this napkin. There's these two groups, see. And the thing about these two groups? They ain't never gonna overlap. I don't know why you'd want to mess with Tito, but it's a bad idea, taking what I have just said into solemn consideration.

A brief history of people who have messed with Tito

Look. Buddy. Pal. Lemme give you an example.

You remember Jack, down at the ol' Shop n' Save? When he told Tito the special on two for one flyswatters was over, Tito got real angry. Tito only had ten minutes alone with him, and now I hear Jack's at the asylum, hallucinating about flyswatters smackin' him all over the place. Oh, and I think he sees giant flies everywhere too. Bad shit man. Jack was the greatest flyswatter salesman in the state, and look at 'im now: too scared to even step outside his asylum.

Then there was that other guy. He was never identified, God rest his little soul. He thought it'd be funny to ruffle Tito's hair. Well, Tito just had his hair done, and he was in a pretty bad mood. I hear the guy's hand is a nice conversation piece in Tito's apartment these days.

Not that Tito ever makes any conversation, mind, except once I think he messaged somebody a lolcat in a moment of relative weakness. Actually now that I'm thinkin' about it, it weren't a lolcat at all. It was more like a lolgun, with the caption, "im in ur howse killin ur children". Yeah, he figured it might've been a nice friendly way to deliver the message. After all, Tito ain't no cruel person. He's just a little "patience-challenged".

Hey, quit lookin' at him. Tito don't like to be looked at. Look back here, friend. I got more to tell.

Arguably the worst time Tito's ever gotten a bit... you know... upset... was durin' a game of Scrabble. It was going pretty well in his favor, probably because the two people he was playin' against had all the vocabulary of a Mexican fresh across the border. Then one of his opponents got the upper hand when he spelled out the word "DOOBEE". Tito got pretty annoyed at this. Started lookin' at the guy funny, tellin' him all quiet-like that "DOOBEE" was not a word. The man doubted Tito. And that's one thing you never do, doubt Tito. They say the man with the gun makes the facts, and Tito's a man with a gun, knife, nunchucks, and a jar full of scorpions on his person at all times. He just stared into the man's eyes and told him again "DOOBEE" wasn't a word, and the move was invalid. The guy? Heh, well he just didn't listen. So Tito pulled out his ultimate move.

There are many ways to kill a man. Stab 'em, club 'em, tax 'em, it's all the same in the end. Tito had it down to a science. He took out his golden chopsticks, and, well friend, you don't want to know what happened after that.

Historical examples

Tito always says he doesn't believe in history, so I believe him. He doesn't believe in "facts" and "information," the kind of shit we peddle around here at Uncyc. I'm not one to talk around Tito about "history" and "science." I know I mentioned "statistics" up there, but please don't tell him I talked about it.