University of Southampton
“I hate this place. This zoo. This prison. This reality, whatever you want to call it, I can’t stand it any longer.”
“The seas be ours and by the powers: Where we will...we'll roam.”
“Spartans! Ready your breakfast and eat hearty. For tonight we dine in Jesters!”
The University of Southampton (previously The Royal Maritime College of Port Sarim) is an adult learning centre located on the southern coast of England, often mistaken for a degree mill. The institute boasts a long history and close ties with the Royal Family of Gielinor.
The predecessor of the University of Southampton was the Royal Maritime College of Port Sarim (RMCPS), founded in the Fourth Age by the High King of Varrock, near the prosperous town of Port Sarim. Being the only place of learning for those who lived by the sea, the institute was popular amongst the residents of Port Sarim, Draynor and Karamja Island. Some notable alumni included sailors, customs officers, highwaymen and seagulls.
During the Fifth Age, King Roald of Varrock was greatly troubled with rapid and massive population expansion in the land of Gielinor (caused by bots and F2P accounts). When he turned to his advisors for solutions, they proposed two ways to acquire Lebensraum: reclamation of Port Sarim or invasion of the northern Wilderness. The RMCPS, threatened by the idea that reclamation meant replacing the sea with land, thus putting sailors and seagulls out of business, strongly objected the first proposal. So King Roald was compelled to annex the Wilderness by force, and many students of the College supported this cause by joining the army.
The armies of Varrock enjoyed numerous victories initially. They pushed the goblins and dragons northwards and secured vast areas north of the Varrockian borders, which effectively brought an end to PvP and looting in the Wilderness. However, during one critical battle, the united armies of the King of Varrock, the Duke of Lumbridge and the White Knights of Falador suffered a major defeat at the hands of the joint forces of Ganondorf and Bowser. This led to the subsequent colonization of Gielinor by the Gerudos and Goombas. Because the RMCPS were responsible for multiple war crimes, including the abolishment of PvP, the institute was demolished (Release the Kraken!) and its personnel exiled (Fus-ro-dah'd) to the barren Isle of Britain.
Davy Jones, a resident of Port Sarim and a dedicated alumnus of RMCPS, enslaved Bob the Builder and the Dwarves of Moria to reconstruct the campus some sixty years ago in the city of Southampton, for the sole reason of being close to the sea, despite the city being a complete shithole compared to Portsmouth. It is now recognized as a university due to university education being a lucrative business in the United Kingdom. It is also a member of the prestigious Wrestle Group, a league of institutes famous for their female students wrestling each other in the mud half-naked. Commonly referred to as ‘Soton’.
The ‘University’ of Southampton offers overpriced (and overrated) courses in six different campuses. Highfield Campus offers ‘high-end’ courses including Computer Technology, Business/Economics and Law; Avenue Campus offers ‘alternative’ courses such as archaeology and environmental studies; the National Oceanography Centre offers ‘even alternative-er’ courses in oceanography and pirating on the high seas (god these folks are obsessed with the sea! CALYPSOOOO! I release you from your human bonds!); the Southampton General Hospital provides the zombies and giant rats for prospective doctors and nurses to train combat levels on; the Winchester School of Art trains students how to create art with Winchester rifles; and the Malaysian campus…well…is in Malaysia, the country whose national symbol is a mermaid with the head of a lion that pukes rainbow. ‘Nuff said.
All courses at the University of Southampton have been accreditted by internationally renowned academic and professional organizations.
Life as a Soton student
Most students are expected to spend most of the day at sea, whether by ship, sea serpent or lifebuoy. At night, students return to their thatched huts in a village by the sea while Xenophon points at the sea and cries, ‘The Sea! The Sea!’, and everyone else shits themselves; because y’all know, Soton people are OBSESSED with the sea.
Jesters, the notorious local nightclub, serves as the main venue of entertainment for Soton-ers. This is the place where the average Soton girl gets wasted, passes out, then wakes to find herself dragged into a dark alley by homeless men, a cock in her vagina and two more in her mouth, one of those belonging to her chav cousin.
Many traditions of Soton can be traced back to the days of the RMCPS. Fishing is one of them. RMCPS students hailed peers with high fishing levels as seafood of high quality replenishes health more efficiently (the female students were charged with the task of cooking said seafood, resulting in the mass production of burnt fish and widespread starvation). Harpooning swordfish or cageing lobsters in front of women guaranteed getting laid. This tradition transformed into the modern 'duck hunt', where a Soton student would attempt to lure and capture wild ducks at Highfield Campus by placing pieces of bread on fishing hooks. Another tradition is for foreign students to join the illegal workforce. RMCPS students from Al Kharid and Barbarian Village used to work at the Karamja Island banana plantations by loading crates with bananas, a lowly and menial task; the tradition lives on as Middle Eastern and East Asian students flock to restaurants to earn illegal income as dishwashers and waiters
Heckling and abuse
Many students at the University are subject to mental abuse from the entity known as Future Worlds, which often claims to be a department of the Faculty of Bowel Movement.
How to identify a Soton student
- obsessed with the sea
- skilled in the use of primitive firearms and rocket launchers
- owns a bandana, a mask and an AK-47
- ruthless and brilliant (in life and in bed)
- crafty and adventurous (again, in life and in bed)
- wears flip-flops
- acts suspicious when around merchant galleys