Uncyclopedia:Pee Review/UnNews:Scientists devote massive funds for cancer research to production of an 'orgasmatron'
UnNews:Scientists devote massive funds from cancer research to production of an 'orgasmatron'[edit source]
Yeah, me n' UnIdiot made it. - Don Leddy the Crunch (Nyah, see, nyah!) 15:49, Jun 5
- YTTE got to it first, but can I just suggest you change the "for" to "from" to make it grammatically correct?-- sinister Ape (advocate) (Riot Porn) 20:12, 6 June 2008 (UTC)
Woah, back off there, 'cause it's YesTimeToPee...for YTTE, not you. Sorry, you'll just have to go find somewhere else to empty your bladder, or you can choose to wet yourself. I got this spot, biatch.
Humour: | 9 | Okay, here's your paragraph by paragraph break-down of the UnNews: First Paragraph: I like your opening, even if linking to "sexual innuendo" from a word like "massive" is a bit old. The "ADD-ridden reporter " thing is quite amusing, but it doesn't really make you laugh out loud. In fact, in terms of the laughing-out-loud-ness of this first paragraph, it's lacking a bit. I feel just one or two more jokes her couldn't go a miss. I think the funniness of "This did not last very long, however, as the funds were soon devoted to what scientists called a "way funnier thing." " could be improved upon. With a little bit of thought you could make that line really hilarious. |
Concept: | 8 | The concept is a good one. Simple as that. I see it's not entirely your own, but the ideas have been changed significantly. If you're looking to get this featured then you really don't need to worry about improving the concept. I rarely give 9s or 10s in concept and only give them for really exceedingly clever and new ideas. But you've gone a good job of reading that ABC article and mangling it into something that completely fits with "Un"ness and which you can stuff full of very good jokes. I don't need to ramble on, anymore, this is a very good concept, well done! |
Prose and formatting: | 7 | This was slightly weaker. The prose was fine and the text was split into paragraphs, very well. However the use of double speech marks (") inside other double speech marks can be slightly confusing, for instance ""He just went on and on about how "our work is important," that we "have to help these poor kids," " was slightly confusing to read at first. I think it would be better if you use double speech marks for the whole quote and then single speech marks inside the quote (if it's necessary). So for example, that bit I just quoted would become: "He just went on and on about how 'our work is important,' that we 'have to help these poor kids," etc. I think the article is also lacking links and could do with a few more, just to make it look a bit better. Otherwise the formatting seems to be fine, if a bit bland. As I've said, your prose are good and this is written in an appropriate and consistent voice. |
Images: | 7 | You only really need one image for an UnNews of this length, however a second image would be nice. Also I feel that the one you have at the moment is a bit unrelated. I'd like to see a picture of the shiny new orgasmatron, how it's used, or someone in the process of testing/checking/building one or maybe a picture of the box the orgasmatron ships in? Even a picture of the place where it was developed? There's so much you could do here, and I don't feel you've really explored this, that much. The image feels like a bit of an afterthought. With a bit of chopping you could have some great images to go with this. |
Miscellaneous: | 7.8 | Average! |
Final Score: | 38.8 | Well this is a good UnNews. It's funny, hilarious in bits, and well thought out. It's based on a good concept, but maybe is slightly let down my the images and a few formatting mistakes. So my advice to you would be: Clear up the image, put a really good chopped one in and maybe put a second in, clear up the few formatting issues I mentioned and, if at all possible, see if there are any more jokes to be squeezed from the article and stick 'em in there! VFH? Definitely, once you've made a few improvements. Good luck and congratulations on another very good article! |
Reviewer: | - [09:34 8 June] Sir FSt. Don Pleb Yettie (talk) QotF BFF NotM RotM UNPotM UGotM CUN PEE SR UnProvise |