UnNews:UC Davis pepper-spray incident
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This article is part of UnNews, your source for up-to-the-picosecond misinformation. |
“Get off my lawn!”
November 18, 2011
UC Davis -- A pepper-spray incident occurred today when some cops spit on Occupy protesters with pepper spray at the University of Cali., Davis, after they wouldn't leave when asked nicely. Lt. John Pike had no other choice than to authorize the use of deadly and excessive force in order to neutralize the threatening youths. Pike used his right (pimpin') hand to apply HeadOn, erroneously mistaking it as a can of tear gas. Quickly after realizing that he put the HeadOn ointment in his side holster by mistake, he switched to the 2011 fall orange pumpkin-spice themed Mace spray to complete his task. Many of the protesters became sick after snorting the intense aromas of pumpkin, cinnamon, and cloves. Officer Alex Lee also played apart in spitting at a few protesters himself (that'll show 'em!). Videos of the occurrence became an internet meme overnight and the worst nightmare of UC Davis' public image of all time.
It also made John Pike really sad because he didn't finish the job, as there were no reported gunshots fired during the incident. Pike received a $38,000 worker's compensation paycheck on top of keeping his retirement credits to help his mood after a hard day at work. He was reported to experience extreme mental suffering as a result of spraying a few kids with spicy water. Each student impacted by the orange-colored aromatic goop also got $30,000 a pop to keep them nice and quiet. Several of these students joined the Witness Protection Program.
As expected, things only got better worse from here, with protests increasing and those meddling kids just getting more riled up. UC Davis Chancellor Linda Pisti Basile Katehi-Tseregounis who initially ordered the removal of the protesters tried to calm the university students down by playing Billy Joel's 1989 hit, "We Didn't Start the Fire", and claiming the pigs did their own shit and didn't listen to her words of wisdom. Katehi, who already admitted to committing tax fraud along with Martha Stewart, resigned with the help of an online petition asking her "to go fuck herself," which ultimately gathered upwards of 100,000 signatures supporting the matter. She had no choice but to comply with the wildly popular vote.org petition, as is required by law, and ultimately fucked herself to the point where she (sorely) stepped down as her role of UC Davis' Führer to go find other fun hobbies. Anonymous, the scary group of people who all look like that one Guy from V for Vendetta for some reason, threatened to destroy the university with borderline illegal amounts of C4, most likely smuggled from the U.S.-Mexican border a few miles south. They instead just destroyed her reputation.
In April of 2016, a $175,000 donation from the school to public relations consultants to promote the removal of "pepper spray references from [the] Internet" (see right image), which didn't actually work (again, see right for reference).