UnNews:Trump book 'Fire and Fury': Biggest spoilers
Saturday, January 6, 2018
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Warning: The following text might contain spoilers.
This makes the article more aerodynamic, and thus more maneuverable at high speeds. Take caution and carry a first-aid kit at all times if you don't know that the chick in The Crying Game is a dude, Eggman was the client, Bruce Willis sacrifices his life to save Earth from the asteroid, Silent Bob said something, the Bride's real name is Beatrix Kiddo, and her daughter is alive, Kreia was a Sith Lord and only Atton and the Disciple saw that coming, Saturos and Menardi aren't evil, the Stormbreaker computers release a deadlier, genetically modified type of smallpox when activated, Captain America bequethed his shield to Stephen Colbert, Lowrie fulfills the wish list, but dies, Orr faked his death, and he and Yossarian escape in a rubber raft, and Soylent Green is PEOPLE!!!
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| Fire and Fury: Inside the Trump White House | |
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| Author | Michael Wolff |
| Country | United States |
| Language | English |
| Subject(s) | Presidency of Donald Trump |
| Genre(s) | Non-fiction, U.S. politics |
| Publisher | Henry Holt and Company |
| Media type | Print, e-book, audiobook |
| Pages | 336 |
| ISBN | 978-1250158062 |
Michael Wolff's explosive Trump exposé, Fire and Fury, came out Friday and UnNews has just received our copy of the nonfiction bestseller, whose film rights have surprisingly not been sold, or even discussed. It's a pretty juicy book, and since this is UnNews, I'm going to be a jerk and spoil the plot. Save your death threats, at least we're not spoiling Star Wars.
Comey firing[edit | edit source]
Just before Trump fired Comey with his Lightsaber, the FBI Director told him, "Strike me down and I shall become more powerful than you can possibly imagine. Lordy, I hope there are tapes!"
"You bet your ass there's tapes! I have the best tapes! You're fired."
When Rosenstein asked Mueller if he'd "try to get to the bottom of this Russia mess," Mueller told him, "Do or do not. There is no try."
Visit from three ghosts[edit | edit source]
On the eve of the anniversary of November 8th, Trump was visited by three ghosts, four if you count Steve Bannon, who showed him the error of his ways via Past, Present, and Yet to Come. Unfortunately, as expectedly, Trump dismissed the whole charade as "fake news CNN. Pathetic. Sad. What a bunch of losers. I have the best memories, the best predictions, and most definitely the best prophecies. Believe me!" This lead the Ghost of Yet to Come (a.k.a. Paul Manafort) to palm his face for three straight hours. Trump tried to call the Ghostbusters, but couldn't remember their phone number.
"I am your father"[edit | edit source]
When Mueller broke down the door to the Oval Office, indictment in hand, Trump refused to budge. He taunted Mueller, "Showboat Comey never told you what happened to your father."
"He told me enough," Mueller retorted. "He told me you killed him."
Trump told Mueller, "No, that's fake news. I am your father."
"No, that's not true! That's impossible! That means you gave birth to me two years before you were born![1]"
"Wrong! I have the best math. Besides, Kyle Reese gave birth to John Connor before he was even born."
"That was just a movie."
"It was a documentary. And let's not forget I went back in time using Putin's DeLorean and changed the outcome of the election."
"If that weren't scientifically impossible, that would be a confession!"
"It had a Flux Capacitor. Not to mention Kryptonite."
"Plutonium, you orange buffoon!"
Kushner threw the ring into the lava on Mount Doom[edit | edit source]
Jared Kushner, secretly nicknamed "Frodo" by Bannon[2] finally made it to Mordor and disposed of the ring. But not without duking it out with "Samunwise" Mike Pence and "Gollum/Sméagol" KellyAnne Conway.
The Art of the Deal is a cookbook[edit | edit source]
Trump, a famously poor speller, meant to title his 1989 book, The Art of the Meal. When Mueller got to the end of the book, he realized it was a cookbook about how to prepare humans for food, everything from fast food to Soylent Green to five-star gourmet. Mueller barely escapes being eaten at the end. He then discovers that Trump is a Replicant.
Fire and Fury, released as a hardcover on January 5, 2018, is available wherever books are sold.
References[edit | edit source]
Sources[edit | edit source]
- Christina Wilkie "10 wild claims about Trump's White House from the upcoming book 'Fire and Fury'" CNBC, January 3, 2018