UnNews:Trump book 'Fire and Fury': Biggest spoilers

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Saturday, January 6, 2018

Warning: The following text might contain spoilers.

This makes the article more aerodynamic, and thus more maneuverable at high speeds. Take caution and carry a first-aid kit at all times if you don't know that Harry's butler knew all along, Luke, Darth Vader is your father, Jigsaw was the corpse, Titus Andronicus bakes Tamora's sons in a pie and feeds them to her, Jesus comes back to life after three days, Earth is the computer designed to calculate the Ultimate Question, Borat marries a hooker from Dallas and returns to Kazakhstan with her, you are Darth Bater with amnesia, Daniel Jackson becomes a Prior of the Ori, Ben elopes with Mrs. Robinson's daughter during her wedding, Bertha Crow is the answer and Bertha Crow is the winner, Earl fakes his death again to get out of the relationship, which backfires, and then drives her to fake her own death as revenge, and Soylent Green is PEOPLE!!!

Fire and Fury: Inside the Trump White House
Fire and Fury Trump book.jpg
Author Michael Wolff
Country United States
Language English
Subject(s) Presidency of Donald Trump
Genre(s) Non-fiction, U.S. politics
Publisher Henry Holt and Company
Media type Print, e-book, audiobook
Pages 336
ISBN 978-1250158062

Michael Wolff's explosive Trump exposé, Fire and Fury, came out Friday and UnNews has just received our copy of the nonfiction bestseller, whose film rights have surprisingly not been sold, or even discussed. It's a pretty juicy book, and since this is UnNews, I'm going to be a jerk and spoil the plot. Save your death threats, at least we're not spoiling Star Wars.

Comey firing[edit | edit source]

Obi-Wan Comey.png

Just before Trump fired Comey with his Lightsaber, the FBI Director told him, "Strike me down and I shall become more powerful than you can possibly imagine. Lordy, I hope there are tapes!"

"You bet your ass there's tapes! I have the best tapes! You're fired."

When Rosenstein asked Mueller if he'd "try to get to the bottom of this Russia mess," Mueller told him, "Do or do not. There is no try."

Visit from three ghosts[edit | edit source]

Ebenezer Trump.png

On the eve of the anniversary of November 8th, Trump was visited by three ghosts, four if you count Steve Bannon, who showed him the error of his ways via Past, Present, and Yet to Come. Unfortunately, as expectedly, Trump dismissed the whole charade as "fake news CNN. Pathetic. Sad. What a bunch of losers. I have the best memories, the best predictions, and most definitely the best prophecies. Believe me!" This lead the Ghost of Yet to Come (a.k.a. Paul Manafort) to palm his face for three straight hours. Trump tried to call the Ghostbusters, but couldn't remember their phone number.

"I am your father"[edit | edit source]


When Mueller broke down the door to the Oval Office, indictment in hand, Trump refused to budge. He taunted Mueller, "Showboat Comey never told you what happened to your father."

"He told me enough," Mueller retorted. "He told me you killed him."

Trump told Mueller, "No, that's fake news. I am your father."

"No, that's not true! That's impossible! That means you gave birth to me two years before you were born![1]"

"Wrong! I have the best math. Besides, Kyle Reese gave birth to John Connor before he was even born."

"That was just a movie."

"It was a documentary. And let's not forget I went back in time using Putin's DeLorean and changed the outcome of the election."

"If that weren't scientifically impossible, that would be a confession!"

"It had a Flux Capacitor. Not to mention Kryptonite."

"Plutonium, you orange buffoon!"

Kushner threw the ring into the lava on Mount Doom[edit | edit source]


Jared Kushner, secretly nicknamed "Frodo" by Bannon[2] finally made it to Mordor and disposed of the ring. But not without duking it out with "Samunwise" Mike Pence and "Gollum/Sméagol" KellyAnne Conway.

The Art of the Deal is a cookbook[edit | edit source]

Trump, a famously poor speller, meant to title his 1989 book, The Art of the Meal. When Mueller got to the end of the book, he realized it was a cookbook about how to prepare humans for food, everything from fast food to Soylent Green to five-star gourmet. Mueller barely escapes being eaten at the end. He then discovers that Trump is a Replicant.

Covfefe is Trump's sled.

Fire and Fury, released as a hardcover on January 5, 2018, is available wherever books are sold.

References[edit | edit source]

  1. Technically, 706 days, but who's counting?
  2. "CORRECTION: An earlier version of the story misidentified the fictional character name Bannon uses to refer to Jared Kushner as Frodo, a 'Lord of the Rings' reference, rather than Fredo, a reference to 'The Godfather.'"

Sources[edit | edit source]