UnNews:Prince William gets the Royal all clear to marry girlfriend Kate
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This article is part of UnNews, your source for up-to-the-picosecond misinformation. |
16 November 2010
LONDON, United Kingdom -- Prince William has been officially informed that he can marry his girlfriend after no evidence was produced by Buckingham Palace investigators that Kate Middleton was a secret Catholic.
The son of Princess Diana (who was so cruelly assassinated in Paris by a drugged driver in cooperation with a mystery man known as 'Greek Phil'), Prince William had been waiting patiently whilst Buckingham Palace made checks on the background of his girlfriend Kate Middleton. Breaking with tradition, the investigation did reveal that Kate had 'biblically known' other men before she had met Prince William--but that is no longer a barrier to marriage in the new century. A spokesman for the British Royal Family said:
Back in the early 1980s, when we investigated Prince William's mother Lady Diana Spencer, we were told she was a virginal Snow White and, importantly, not a Catholic. But as we now know, it would have helped if she had 'slushed it up' when younger. This time Kate said she had 'done the deed' before she met William and that they had been 'shagging their arses off' ever since. Luckily, she may be a bit slutty, but Kate isn't a Catholic, so in this day and age, the Queen said 'Yes' to a royal marriage. The Middletons may be Middle Class but they come from good breeding stock, so we are expecting a healthy foaling...childbirth within the next couple of years.
Prince William is said to have proposed to Kate in the back of a cab after a night out at the London restaurant. A waiter who saw them together said Prince William had 'gone on one knee...and then two before keeling over in a pool of sick.' Kate had apparently squealed Yes! yes!! and had then joined her boyfriend on the floor.
The news of the engagement and impending royal marriage was met with joy by British Prime Minister David Cameron. He said when the news was received at at a cabinet meeting, other ministers had thumped the table and thrown chairs at the windows in joy. They were singing this will take the British people's minds off the recession and losing their jobs! Hooray for Willy and Katie.
Prince William's father Prince Charles is said to have remarked, "Jolly good show my boy." Looking very cheery for the news cameras (Clip from the Big Big Cheese website), he remarked that he was 'thrilled' and that 'they've been practising for long enough'. Some say this was a cover up for his own activities, although others have suggested he was looking depressed becuase he had been hoping to replace Camilla Parker-Bowles with Kate. He said that Kate--or Princess Catherine Elizabeth Windsor as she will soon be known--were the perfect couple. He also said that if he had had the chance of 'doing it with Di' before they got married, that might have worked out better.
I know I am old-fashioned, said Prince Charles, but I am glad William has seen his future wife in the Royal Jacuzzi without any of her Daily Mail class morality clothes on. Us royals have always been above that petty sort of prudery. So I am very happy (whatever that means) that Kate Middling (sic) has joined the family firm.
The wedding is scheduled for the spring or summer of 2011. It's not known if Kate and Prince William will sign a pre-nuptial agreement. If they do, the United Kingdom would be divided 50-50. Kate would get Wales, Northern Ireland and the Isle of Man with William keeping England, Scotland and the Channel Islands. Other countries which still have a British monarch as their Head of State like Australia, New Zealand and Canada would be held in joint custody, as the nations are babies when it comes to independence from the 'Mother Country.'
Sources[edit | edit source]
- Staff "Prince William and Kate Middleton to marry" Daily Telegraph, November 16, 2011
- Staff "British republicans will have to grit their teeth" The Guardian, November 16, 2010