UnNews:President Clinton Eats Fox News's Chris Wallace Alive, Spits Out The Bones

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26 September 2006

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NEW YORK, New York -- Bill Clinton, former President of the United States of America, recently consumed Chris Wallace of Fox News Sunday on the Fox Network program, When Presidents Attack, leaving behind only the inedible parts such as bones and Wallace's coal-lump heart. Millions of viewers watched in horror as the apoplectic President, angered by conservative provocation, ate the hapless (but admittedly foolish) reporter alive, without washing his hands first.

"It was absolutely shocking. I've never seen anything like it since Oprah was interviewed!" said one regular viewer.

One member of the production crew cackled with glee: "We've been waiting for something exciting to happen for ages; this is going to put our ratings through the roof!"

Sensing a threat, Clinton becomes aggressive. Wallace, frozen with terror, can only watch helplessly as Clinton's fangs carve into his hide.

The Interview[edit | edit source]

WALLACE: When we announced that you were going to be on "Fox News Sunday," I got a lot of e-mail from viewers. We all agreed that you are a dirty scumbag, but let's be reasonable about this. Most of the viewers wanted me to ask you: Did you have sexual relations with Osama bin Laden, and if so, why didn't you do more to put him out of business? Also, what sexual positions was Osama fond of?

CLINTON: OK, what the fuck are you talking about?

WALLACE: Please, let's be civilized about this. Now, I read this book, see, and it said Osama bin Laden did stuff that had to do with stuff you did as President, so the question is, why didn't you do more, connect the dots and put him out of business?

CLINTON: OK, let's talk about it. Now, I want to point out just how interesting this is. I'm being asked this on the FOX network, ABC just had a right- wing conservative run in their little "Pathway to 9/11," falsely claiming it was based on the 9/11 Commission report. And I think it's very interesting that all the conservative Republicans, who now say I should have taken care of bin Laden myself, claimed that I was too obsessed with bin Laden back then. All of President Bush's drinking buddies thought I was too obsessed with bin Laden. They were just jealous, of course. They said I was thinking too much about him, that I needed to get on with my life.

And then, when I did give up on bin Laden, they forgot all about him, too. They never spoke with bin Laden for nine months after I left office. All the right-wingers who now say I should have paid him more attention said he wasn't worth my time — same people. It's like, you give your life to try to make this thing work, and just crashes and it just fucking burns right in front of you and you people...you people...you just don't understand!

They were all trying to get me to withdraw from Somalia in 1993 after, you know... our argument...

WALLACE: I understand, and I ...

CLINTON: No, wait. Don't tell me this — you asked me why didn't I do more with bin Laden. There was not a living soul who actually thought he really meant anything to me. All the people who now criticize me are right-wing fools! They don't know me, and they dont' know Osama!

WALLACE: Uhh...

CLINTON: All right, you were saying?

WALLACE: Do you think you did enough, sir?

CLINTON: No, because I didn't catch him.

WALLACE: Damn right you didn't! You're a damned liberal, homosexual, tree-hugging, intern-groping, ghoulish, Moloch worshipping, pot-smoking Democrat!

CLINTON: But at least I tried! That's the difference between me and those right-wingers who are attacking me now. They ridiculed me for trying. They had eight months to try. They did not try. But I did. I swear I did!

So I tried and failed. When I failed, I decided that the only other option was to to drown my sorrows in the bottle and hide my emotions by chasing loose women.

So here we are now, 10 years later. You do Fox's bidding on this show, just like I knew you would. You did your nice little conservative hit job on me.

What I want to know now is ...

HOW FAST CAN YOU RUN, DEAD MAN?!

The interview then degenerated into gore and violence, which most viewers found far more interesting than politics anyway. After rending the flesh from Wallace's body, Clinton calmed down a bit when he accidentally bit down on one of Wallace's finger bones and spat it out in disgust.

Regaining his usual cheerful composure, President Clinton excused himself from the studio amidst the cheers of approval from the audience.

"We're thinking of inviting him onto the O'Reilly Factor, just to see what would happen" commented the stage director. "O'Reilly would be much more popular if he were eaten by a Democrat."

When asked what he thought this incident would do for his public appeal, President Clinton simply smiled and gave a little belch.

Sources[edit | edit source]

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