UnNews:Oscars make horrible mistake; Nolan to direct fourth Batman
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This article is part of UnNews, your source for up-to-the-picosecond misinformation. |
15 January 2013
HOLLYWOOD, California -- The Academy of Motion Picture Arts and Sciences has made a horrible mistake. Acclaimed filmmaker Christopher Nolan's final Batman outing, The Dark Knight Rises, has received a grand total of zero Oscar nominations. Conspiracy theorists believe that the same Republicans who rigged the 2000 and 2004 elections -- thus allowing George W. Bush to become, and stay, president -- were involved in the Batman snubbing. But whatever happened, Nolan has announced that he will direct a fourth Batman movie to rectify the problem.
"I'll keep making more Batmans until the Academy gets a clue," the director says. "All these sick bastards want are historical costume dramas about gay people who never learned to read, with all star casts consisting of veteran British actors you thought died eight years ago... with music by John Williams. If an action-packed crime drama about a billionaire who dresses up as a bat to stop a Sean Connery soundalike named Bane isn't art, nothing is."
Though very few details have slipped in such short notice, Nolan says he has a rough outline and a confirmed villain. "I have three pages written so far, and it's going to be The Riddler, played by Leonardo DiCaprio. We had so much fun making Inception, that I just had to work with him again. I'm also considering The Penguin and Mr. Freeze. I'm talking to Toby Jones and Christopher Lloyd as we speak."
Prinicpal photography is scheduled to begin in September. Reaction to the news has so far been mixed.
"What in the bloody fucking 'ell is he thinking???!!!" says Christian Bale. "We had a bloody perfect trilogy and now he's gonna bloody fuck it up! And the bloody Penguin? The fucking penguin?? He's as corny a villain as... Ugh, I'd rather see King Tut from the bloody Adam West campy shit! And don't get me started on Mr. Freeze! If I hear another bloody fucking ice pun, like 'Ice Ice Baby,' I'll loose a bit of respect for Chris. There's a bloody reason fucking Schumacher was fired."
"I think it's too soon," says cinematographer Wally Pfister. "I've got my own movie to do, and now Chris wants to do another Batman as Oscar bait. And there's no way Mr. Freeze is gonna work in the realistic world that Chris, John [co-writer and Nolan's brother Jonathan Nolan], David Goyer, and I created."
"YEAH OMG ANOTHER BATMAN MOVEE!!!!!1111111!!!!!111 (sic)" said Batfan16 on IMDb.
"This is gonna ruin our plans for a hypothetical Justice League film," said Warner Bros. president Jeff Robinov. "But these Batman films certainly pay well, provided they're not directed by that gay guy, Joe Shoemaker (sic). The best Bartmans will always be the ones by Tom (sic) Burton and Chris Roland (sic)."
Other acclaimed films that were completely snubbed by Oscar include The Shining, The School of Rock, Dazed & Confused, Heat, Nolan's own Insomnia, Good Burger, Halloween, Gran Torino, The Hunger Games and The Shawshank Redemption.
Sources[edit | edit source]
- Joel Schumacher "Total snub: No Dark Knight Rises Oscar nominations" Daily Planet, January 10, 2013