UnNews:NFL sidelines cheerleaders
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This article is part of UnNews, your source for up-to-the-picosecond misinformation. |
30 September 2007
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WASHINGTON, D. C. - A decision by National Football League (NFL) leaders to sideline teams’ cheerleaders except before the game, during half-time, and after the game has angered football fans, many of whom say they will boycott the sport unless the cheerleaders are allowed to cheer during the game. Irate fans have also renamed the league, calling it the No Fun League.
“I don’t come here to watch men moving an egg-shaped ball down a chunk of turf and patting each other on the ass,” Adam Wexley of Poontang, Florida told Unnews’ reporter Lotta Lies. “I come to see the cheerleaders jump, bend, squat, and do pelvic thrusts.”
Wexley’s sentiment was echoed by many of the sport’s enthusiasts, and the players themselves agreed that they find the cheerleaders’ antics cheers “inspirational.” “The poets had their muses,” Miami Dolphins’ Junior Seau said. “We have cheerleaders. There’s nothing like looking up one of those short skirts to get a man’s blood up. Seeing them bounce and jiggle makes me a better linebacker.”
“It’s distracting,” NFL Commissioner Roger Goodell maintains. “The players should keep their eyes on the ball, not on some bimbo’s boobs,” he said.
Vikings defensive tackle Pat Williams disagrees. “A tight ass in a mini-skirt is more of an incentive for a player to do his best than a multi-million-dollar contract, especially since a good player has a better chance of scoring with one of them than he has against the opposing team. Getting into the end zone is what football’s all about, but the end zone I’m talking about ain’t on no gridiron.”
Another reason for the ban is the habit of some teams, such as the Washington Redskins, of having their cheerleaders warm up next to the opposing team’s locker room in an attempt to distract the visiting team minutes before kickoff. During these “rehearsals,” critics contend, the cheerleaders wear “even less than they wear during the game. Some ’forget’ their bras and panties.’”
The Redskins deny these allegations and suggest that such critics are “closeted homosexuals who don’t like to see beautiful women wearing halter tops and mini-skirts. Our cheerleaders aren’t prudes about their bodies,” a team spokesman said. “There’s a lot of skin on the ‘Skins’ cheerleaders, and we make no limp-wrested apologies for it.”
A former cheesecake cheerleader for the San Diego Chargers, actress Charisma Carpenter gave another reason for the “exuberance” of cheerleaders who may bear a little more flesh than usual. “Cheerleading, like modeling, can be a stepping stone to a real career, like acting. I got the role of Cordelia Chase on Buffy the Vampire Slayer by dressing like a slut and strutting my stuff--showing off my assets, you might say--as a Chargers’ girl.”
Being a cheerleader might lead to a Playboy photo shoot, too, she said, which can launch a girl’s acting career, or restart one that’s flagging, “although posing naked for that rag hasn’t boosted my lackluster acting career,” she admits. She brightened at the thought that “I can always go back to cheering for the Chargers, though--or maybe an L. A. team. There is an L. A. football team, right?”
Source[edit | edit source]
- Lotta Lies "NFL jeers cheers and those who lead them" Instant News, 13 seconds ago