UnNews:Lordy, there are tapes!

From Uncyclopedia, the content-free encyclopedia
Jump to navigation Jump to search

Saturday, July 28, 2018


It's official: There are tapes! There's all kinds of tapes. There's Scotch tape, packing tape, masking tape, and tape worms.

But you're probably more interested in VHS tapes, cassette tapes, 8-track tapes, or those fancy, super high-resolution reel-to-reel master tapes. Pure analog bliss. The original master tapes, being analog, should sound just as good as (or better than) vinyl, but it's so damn expensive. This is what the pros use in the studio, if they're serious audiophiles like Neil Young and Jack White.

There's digital, which is fine, but analog is so fucking cool, man. CD is limited to 16-bit/44.1kHz resolution, and not to mention, most CDs are brickwalled to hell and back. MP3 and the like are even worse in the resolution department. FLAC and WAV (resolution up to 24-bit/192kHz) and DSD (1-bit/2.8224MHz resolution) are a step in the right direction. But analog, be it vinyl or master tape, sounds like you're actually there with Duke Ellington. Or John Coltrane. or Mick and Keith. Not to mention, this kind of audio Nirvana is immune to the compression and brickwalling that plagues a lot of CDs.

"Lordy, I hope you erased the tapes!"

These kind of tapes (reel-to-reel) brought down Nixon at the height of Watergate and exposed him for the piece of shit that he was. He knew he was toast. He knew he was going to be impeached if he didn't resign. So he appointed Gerald Ford as his VP, resigned, and had Ford pardon him. "Good" old Tricky Dick.

If you have a more modest budget, though, vinyl is a perfect alternative. Just make sure there are no scratches or skips. Thank you for your interest in tapes. I hope your enthusiasm for analog has a long, healthy life, like Betty White.


Oh, you thought I meant Trump. Well, there are those tapes, too. And they're not pretty. The tapes, obtained by CNN via Michael Cohen, depict Trump conspiring to commit a felony by paying hush money ("in cash," says 45) to Playboy Bunny Karen McDougal.