UnNews:Hebe Camargo dies

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2 November 2012

"Morri? Acho isso lindo..."
(I died? I think it's lovely...)

"What!? She died??? NOOOOOOOOO!!! I was gonna marry her!"

São Paulo, Brazil -- Hebe Camargo, a discredited Brazilian TV presenter, has died, the consequence of a heart attack and acute virginity. She was 83 - but looked 82 - and had been battling cancer of the peritoneum. Unfortunately, her death was actually a bit unexpected for her fans, because just days earlier, she had tweeted, "My lovely ones, I can't believe it! I am returning to the SBT, and my heart is beating fast! Too fast actually. Happy happy happy!"

Her life

Hebe Camargo claimed to be born in 1929, and lived for many years afterward, although nobody cared. At the age of eighteen, when her virginity was taken away for the third time, she conceived her first child, but since that was the 1940s, her boyfriend at the time was an old man of 34, and the child was illegitimate, she promptly proceeded to murder it. Years later, the shameless bitch said, "I don't regret it. At that time I just could not have a kid! Or a dog. Either would have been a disgrace! I'm a Catholic but I'm in favor of abortion in certain cases. For instance, a friend of mine was raped. Her parents didn't want her to abort, and the kid was born with the rapist's face and started in on raping her again! Can you imagine the stigma or the stigmata? What Catholic would oppose abortion in such a case?! I dunno." Fortunately, for all you good Christians out there, the child's death was vindicated, for Hebe ended up suffering extensively from physical pains and drunken hemorrhages. Stupidly, she never told anyone about it, but laughed it off and started drinking even more heavily.

Later, Hebe Camargo took up residence with a jerk for fifteen years. She had two miscarriages and five dead dogs during that time, and he blamed her because she worked. The motherfucker was very jealous, and wanted Hebe to stop working on TV and be a homemaker, a mother, and a dog trainer. When they finally got married in 1964, Hebe wore a pink dress, because by then she was 35 years old and no longer a virgin, although she would be one again soon. So she thought it would have been disgusting if she had worn white, or even cream. Not long afterward she bought eight more dogs and later bore her fourth and final child, the only one to survive the hostile environment of her womb. In 1971, Hebe divorced the jerk, and gave him all the dogs.

In 1973, Hebe Camargo finally found happiness, in the form of a man named Lélio Ravagnani. He was a good husband to Hebe, and was glad he'd married a virgin. And he was a good father to her son (although occasionally his real father came to visit). Lélio died in 2000, although nobody cared.

In 1986, Hebe began working at the aforementioned SBT, and, really, nobody fucking cared. She was in her sixties by then, and people were now wondering why the fuck her name was Hebe, which means "young" in Greek and "forever virgin" in Canadian.

In 2009, Roberto Carlos Braga was extremely drunk, and announced that he was engaged to Hebe. Not surprisingly, this did not work out, for reasons that you will see below.

In 2010, she was diagnosed with cancer for the first time. She had the tumor removed and bagged. She was given chemotherapy, but regifted it, and was back to work approximately three seconds afterward. She said, "God has not abandoned me, and I have never seen life with this much joy! I am a virgin again!"

But, in the early months of 2012, the cancer came back in another regift from Roberto Carlos. On 29 October 2012, she died. Five seconds later, a street in São Paulo was named after her.

As of late, Brazilians are still wondering why her name was Hebe.

Sources

• Televisão UOL "Morre, aos 83 anos, a apresentadora Hebe Camargo (Hebe Camargo, TV presenter, dies aged 83)" Televisão UOL, October 30, 2012

• Wikipedia "Hebe Camargo" Wikipedia, 30 October 2012

• Televisão UOL "Trajetória de Hebe Camargo (the career of Hebe Camargo)" Televisão UOL, 30 October 2012