UnNews:Greenland secedes from Denmark, world doesn't care
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This article is part of UnNews, your source for up-to-the-picosecond misinformation. |
18 May 2010
Godthåb, Greenland -- Today is a date that no one will remember, a day on which Greenland has declared its independence from Denmark in a bloodless revolution. Reactions around the world ranged from, "Wait, Greenland wasn't a country already?" to "Where the fuck is Greenland?" Danish monarch Her Majesty Queen Margrethe II had this to say about the bold separation of Greenland from her sovereign realm; "No, Iceland was never a part of my kingdom. Oh you mean Greenland, I never really liked them much to begin with. Good riddance to bad rubbish."
The people of Greenland celebrated into the night by drinking mead and roasting mutton in their beer halls. Newly appointed head of state for Greenland Hrothbard the Terrible, gave these exclusive, brief remarks to UnNews: "Our people are now free to pillage the seal poaching villages of northern Canada without worrying about cumbersome Danish regulations. Come to think of it, we haven't had to deal with the Danish for a long time, it's almost as if they had forgotten about us. No matter, we're just making the separation official at this point."
Raiding parties immediately set out to kill the native Eskimos of Ellesmere Island in order to pillage their seal pelts. The Canadian government responded by congratulating Greenland on its first successful military action in a press release obtained by UnNews this morning. "The Right Honourable Prime Minister Stephen Harper of Canada, wishes to congratulate the new nation of Greenland for helping Canada eliminate the natives that we seemed to have missed up there."
Greenland has only been recognized by one nation, Canada, so far. World leaders were stunned and alarmed to receive gold-infused seal pelts from the Greenlandic Council for Prosperity (the new nation's legislature) along with requests for recognition. Most world leaders did not know what Greenland was or where it resided, but many vowed to bring the rogue seal poachers styling themselves as Greenland to justice. "This is a dark day for the free world," remarked President Obama. "The terrorists have grown even bolder, they are now mailing evidence of their crimes to the leaders of the world, boasting of their conquests. This will only strengthen our resolve, and I assure you that as soon as I locate Greenland on a map, we will deploy troops to take down these seal-killing terrorists."
Greenland is expected to launch more raiding parties later this week in order to secure their economic future. Vice Admiral Igar The Brave vowed that attacks against northern Russia, Norway, and Finland were imminent unless each nation paid tribute to Greenland in the form of 10,000 seal pelts, 2,000 battle axes, and 15,000 gallons of mead. Leaders of these nations have not commented on the threats.