UnNews:Breaking: Я (Country) Threatens Linguistic Takeover with Я (Letter)
Wednesday, May 10, 2023
“In Я ЯussiЯ, English learns YA!!”
Dateline, Moscow: Yaya Yeltzin Reports,
In a stunning display of semiotic audacity, Я (Country), formerly known as Russia, has declared its intention to unleash a grammatical onslaught upon the English language. The enigmatic nation, renowned for its whacky, quirky, and downright random XD antics, has now set its sights on an entirely new form of aggression - the inclusion of the Я (Letter) into the English lexicon. In a surprising move, Я (In General) has announced its gramatical coup d'eat soup, stating that it is "tired of being left out of the alphabet game."
According to a spokesgremlin for the Kremlin, "We believe that Я is a vital and important letter that deserves a place in the English language. It is time for the world to recognize the greatness of Я and its contributions to the world of language. Additionally, if we succeed, the introduction of Я (Letter) will advance Я (Country)'s agenda of pwning (sic) the libs for teh lulz." [translation needed]
Experts in language and international relations are scratching their heads, bewildered by this audacious move. In a fiery statement issued by Я's stalwart leader, it was declared that the addition of the Я (Letter) into English would be an act of retaliation against the dominance of the Roman alphabet and a bold step towards linguistic diversity.
The ramifications of this linguistic declaration that would make even Skellingdude from Metal Gear V jealous remain unclear, but fear has spread among English-speaking allies worldwide. Linguists are concerned about the potential chaos that could ensue, with grammatical structures morphing and pronunciations taking on a uniquely Russian twist. Even Shakespeare's immortal lines could be subjected to a linguistic Russian Reversal, leaving the world grappling with iambic pentameter turned Яambic pentameter!
"The American people will not stand idly by while Я tries to force its алфавит on us," said a Washington spokesbro. "We are prepared to take whatever action is necessary to protect the integrity of the English language. Ya, Ya gotta be out of Ya mind if Ya'll think AmeriYans are going to take kindly to Ya'll forcing soverign citizens to think about something new for a grand total of one second. Just a letter? -- especially a letter!"
While the rest of the world frantically debates the implications, Я (Country) remains resolute in its mission to revolutionize the English language. The announcement has been met with mixed reactions from the international community, with many English-speaking countries expressing dismay over the fact that they would potentially be forced to learn a new thing. Brasillian intellijensiЯ have praised the move by Я (Cuntree) citing that the move affirms their long-standing policy on "Jajajajajajajajaja". As the Я (Letter) threatens to infiltrate the English language, the world watches with a mix of trepidation and curiosity. Will this linguistic power play be a catalyst for global chaos or a comical footnote in the annals of semantic history? Only time will tell, but one thing is certain - the Я (Letter) is here to stay, whether the English-speaking world likes it or not.
The situation remains tense, with many wondering what the future holds for the world of language. Will Я (Country) be successful in its bid to add its namesake letter to the English alphabet? Again, basically only time will tell. ONLY TIME!
Caught in the vice-grip of this phonological turmoil, language enthusiasts and grammar nerds brace themselves for a brave new world where Я (Letter) reigns supreme, challenging the very fabric of language and leaving syntax in disarray. UnNews will continue to monitor this unfolding philological drama and bring you the latest updates on this unprecedented clash of alphabets.
xoxo Love Ya,
Sources[edit | edit source]
- The Jimmy Dore Show "“Russia Bombed Themselves” Says U.S. Media w/ Straight Face!" YouTube, May 6, 2023