UnBooks:The Complete Idiot's Guide To Talking To Women

a.k.a. Does This Make Me Look Fat? (And Other Perilous Pit Traps You Should Avoid; Results May Vary)

Available at most leading bookstores everywhere, provided that they're small, independently owned shops catering mostly to radically political activists and not at all the sort of places that stock NASCAR Today or Juggs Monthly.

“ Since time immemorial — which is to say it's been going on for such a long time that nobody can remember a time before it — women have been asking men trick questions, and men have been stupidly falling for it time and time after bloody time and time again.

Perhaps it's not been since time immemorial, but whoever it was that royally flubbed it up first either isn't telling, or you're all just too embarrassed to admit when it was that it first happened exactly, so it's easier to just not talk about it and discuss sport instead. As an unwritten rule, men only like to talk about other great men. You may not have noticed, but more books have been written about Charlemagne than say, Carrot Top.

In any event, it's about damned time you quit stumbling blindly into the quicksand, and learned a lesson or two from those brave souls that have gone before.

The following questions have been carefully crafted to prepare you not with simply the words to say, but more importantly, what not to say. Sometimes, an attentive expression and a warm smile is worth a thousand words, whereas your own arse-ish utterances are more likely to have you exiled and spooning with the dog on the back porch. Or worse, behind an unlocked door in your empty bachelors apartment watching a hand-me-down 3rd-generation tape-to-tape copy of Behind the Green Door, replete with fuzz, static and picture blackouts from excessive use of freeze-frame.

”

Does this make me look fat?

The textbook classic. If you've never heard this one then you've never dated a girl-next-door type a supermodel anyone.

What you are thinking...

What you can actually say...

Does this suit make me look bald? Not to Ray Charles, Jeff Healey or Stevie Wonder. It's a pair of pants, not a reality-reversal field. Nonsense, the material is what holds the fat in. No, the visible light spectrum makes you look fat. Hmmm... let me jog around you a few times to take a look. See you in 20. No, but just in case we should ask a salesperson about the tensile strength of that fabric. No, it's that other dress that makes you look fat. Hey! That dress actually does make you look thin! Buy that! Do I look dumb in this shirt? No, no, no, turn around. There. Now you look fat. Well, no. Not all of you. Only certain parts of you. I can't see. Come out from behind that fat woman and I'll tell you. Not fat, but the massive amounts of fur make you look like a very angry bear. Phat? Word.

No, of course not. You look beautiful. It looks beautiful. I love you just the way you are. (edited after field testing) What I think isn't as important as loving yourself for who you are. (repealed) Let's have salad for lunch. (repealed)

The camera adds ten pounds, doesn't it?

I know I'm overweight but in serious denial. Deny with me.

What you are thinking...

What you can actually say...

That's an old wives' tale, started by old, fat wives. Don't test the warranty return policy — Kodak would disagree with you. It's not a hardware problem, it's a software problem. Pictures don't lie (except on VFP) Don't shoot the messenger. That daily bucket of Cheetos might have had something to do with it. Let's see... add 10 pounds for the Häagen-Dazs, 10 pounds for the "extra crispy recipe" from KFC, 10 pounds for your daily double latte with triple sugar and triple cream, 10 pounds for your chocolate addiction, ...eh... what are we up to now? I think I'm still 30 pounds short somewhere. The 10 pounds was there before I took the picture, and unfortunately, is still here now. And then some. How many cameras were used to take this picture?

Not to you, baby. Oh (name), you're always your own worst critic. You look beautiful. The more the merrier. (repealed) The bigger the cushion, the sweeter the pushin'. (Oh, bad! Very bad. Don't go there.) I love you just the way you are. (saying less is usually more)

Do you love me?

Here's a noose. Try it on for size.

What you are thinking...	What you can actually say...
Like steak dinners and football? More than masturbation? Usually. Only when things are going into your mouth, not coming out. Define love. I've slept in my car before. It's reasonably comfortable if I fold my pants into a makeshift pillow. Damn. Busted. I wonder what <insert name here> is doing tonight?	You're perfect for me. (sweet, but actually non-committal) You're everything I ever wanted. (at least until something better comes along) I can't imagine not having you in my life. (i.e. "I feel trapped!" but it'll sound good to her) Uhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh... ...yes? (pauses are deadly) You are a special person in my life. (repealed) You are very important to me. (repealed)

Do you love me for my brains or my body?

The no-win situation... pick one and she feels stupid, pick the other and she feels ugly.

What you are thinking...	What you can actually say...
Mmmmm. Boobs. I like your mind, I just wish it was programmable like my remote control.	You're the perfect combination of both. You have everything, which is why I fell in love with you. (practice controlling your gag reflex before using this one) Those are totally independent variables. (repealed)

If you could sleep with one of my friends, which one would it be?

You can't handle the truth!

What you are thinking...	What you can actually say...
I wasn't supposed to sleep with your friends? I was only supposed to sleep with one? That's a tough one. Rebecca has the sweetest little arse, but Tori has an amazing rack.	You're the only woman I need. (period. stop talking.)

How many other women have you slept with?

This is a good time to practice your fake heart attack routine. Or acquire sudden-onset laryngitis.

What you are thinking...	What you can actually say...
To be honest, I don't get much sleep in those situations. Just to clarify, is this including your friends from the previous question? Do you have a calculator? A pen and paper would work fine too, I guess, though my math skills aren't what they used to be back when I'd only slept with as many women as I could count on both hands and both feet.	I forgot them all when I met you. Do I look like the kind of person who gets laid often? (Not something you want to advertise)

Are you listening to me?

Listening is integral to success in any relationship. Failing that, work toward creating a decent impersonation — nodding, smiling, and verbal acknowledgements like "Uh huh" and "Yeah" are a good start.

What you are thinking...	What you can actually say...
What? Crap. She's asked me something again. What was the last thing I remember her talking about? Her mother's corns? Gah! No I'm not. I'm busy. I'm always busy. And you're always talking. No.	Yes. Yes, of course I am. What was that last bit again? Yes, and you're right. You're completely right. Yes, and I completely agree. Uh.....Fuchsia Pink? Yes. Go on. I'm listening.

Will you love me when I'm old, fat and ugly?

Wake up! This is a trick question, even the hottest broad (not PC! — Ed.) chick in the world only sees the negative aspects of her looks. Any answer on this one is instantly interpreted as about the here and now. Always remember, removing your tongue with kitchen scissors remains the most viable response to ANY questioning.

What you are thinking...	What you can actually say...
You already are. I already do.	Of course I will. Oh honey, that's such a long way off. Let's not talk about such depressing things.

What should I wear tonight?

Careful, you may get absolutely lost and not say anything for several minutes... unless you happen to be one of those gay guys who knows every single article of clothing in a woman's closet. But then why are you dating a woman? Get out you poser.

What you are thinking...	What you can actually say...
Something slutty. A towel? Actually, how about nothing?	Anything you want, you look good in anything/everything and nothing.

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