Transformers (film)
So, find all the Mini-Cons, destroy the Allspark, stop the Decepticons, reprogram the stasis pods, defend the Autobots, plant the seeds of the future, process all the energon, activate the Omega Lock, open the Matrix, drink 2 gallons of a mercury-lead cocktail, light our darkest hour, and eliminate even the toughest stains!
Transformers is a 2007 live action smash hit blockbuster based on a toyline to sell more toys. It is focused on two forces of strange alien robots from a planet with a retarded name called Cybertron. They wage a mighty war that is destructive and has many casualties, and to keep their planet nice they wage it on Earth. Oh and the film is directed by Michael Bay (OH GOD).
Production History[edit | edit source]
There had been talk for years about making a live action Transformers movie, though there was never any approval due to the fact that everyone was too lazy to pay for copyrights and an actual set. Finally, after years of talking, Hollywood finally confirmed that there would be a live action Transformer movie for 2007. The night the confirmation went out, there was screams of joy that could be heard all around America. However, two days later after Michael Bay had been confirmed to direct, hospitals and morgues soon became overcrowded. Fans and critics were greatly upset that Michael Bay was put in charge of a Transformers movie, they were even more appalled when Bay revealed he would not use the original song. There was chaos in the streets for weeks, until Hollywood sent in Steven Spielberg to keep Michael Bay under control.
There was much debate about how to do the robots, as there was no studio on earth that could produce enough effects for such a thing. Michael Bay solved the problem when he revealed that he had a portal to a strange alien robot world located in his basement. He revealed that these robots were brutal and always were at war with each other, in fact these robots served as inspiration for some of Bay's movies. Within a month, the robots were all casted and the movie was on a role.
In May of 2007, movie actors Jazz and Barricade went on T.V. for an interview with Oprah Winfrey. They expressed their views on the movie, Jazz said fans would not be disappointed by the action and chaos within the movie. Barricade however was somewhat displeased about how the Decepticons were being portrayed, however Jazz stated that the portrayal matched Autobots' view of the Decepticons. The two then fought in a mighty battle, neither prevailed as the winner. The fight greatly increased both ratings for Oprah and excitement for the movie. Hasbro quickly released their toys for the movie, which was the main reason for the movie being made in the first place. On the big premiere night, the robots were all there to greet fans. However another fight broke out and the theatre was completely trashed, fans stated it was the best night of their lives.
Characters[edit | edit source]
Humans[edit | edit source]
The victims of this war between two big ass robot forces. The humans really play no role in the film except for taking away camera time from the big ass robots that everyone paid to see. They pretty much get pushed around until the end of the film.
Sam Witwicky- Unfortunately, the main human of the film (yes... there actually is a main human of the film). He buys a car and it turns out to be a kick ass robot (what are the odds). He is a royal screw up who really wants Mikela as his girlfriend (not knowing that she only dates cool people). He lives with some annoying parents and no body takes him seriously in his life, course no one would after you star on Even Steven's for a majority of your acting career. He also loves Ebay, until his retarted username nearly gets him killed and socially embarrassed.
Mikaela Banes- The girl of the movie who is played by sexy actress, Megan Fox. Despite being on the screen for about 70% of the time, Megan Fox puts absolutely no effort into acting. She has a personality that runs on rusty batteries. In the first half of the movie she is dating the biggest jerk at school, but she looks at Sam with dreamy eyes. She then breaks up with her boyfriend after she finally realizes he's a jerk, but she still acts like a jerk to Sam despite the dreamy eyes look. She pretty much doesn't start to love him until the end of the movie after he has become cooler than her old boyfriend, and like the fool he is... Sam goes with it.
Captain Lennox- A soldier who wants to get home to his wife and baby, but gets attacked by Decepticons a lot. He finally kicks some ass at the end of the film and finally gets home nuff said.
Everyone Else- Doesn't matter. They get just get killed.
Decepticons[edit | edit source]
The villains of the film, they have come to earth in search of one simple Rubik's cube, aka the All-Spark. Their leader is the mighty ego maniac known as Megatron. They want to gain the All-Spark and use it to create a huge army of killer vending machines to take over the universe. Then... they will do something with the universe... once they think of it. In the meantime they want to destroy the human race and why... because they are bullies with low self-esteem who want people to think they are the best.
Megatron- The Decepticon leader who looks like he just crawled out of a bed in Hell. Megatron is apparently Optimus's brother and decided to turn on him for an unexplained reason. Megatron dreamed of conquering the universe and stole the supposedly well guarded All-Spark so that he could create an army of evil to rule the universe. Then it fell out his back pocket and he quickly lost it to a bot named Bumblebee. Megatron attempted to get the All-Spark from Bumblebee, but in his blind rage he tore out Bumblebee's vocal box before he could tell him anything (smooth). Megatron eventually found out that the All-Spark was on earth from a little bird in the forest of Cybertron (which he quickly fried soon after).
He found the All-Spark in the North Pole, but fell in the ice and wound up getting frozen for a couple hundred years by the notorious Mr.Freeze. But then he was able to escape from the help of fellow decepticons and global warming. Due to being frozen in the ice, Megatron was unable to show up for a majority of the film and only appeared at the climax of the film (and then died). The robot who was cast as Megatron actually was cast because of his strange resemblance to a self portrait of Michael Bay himself, as a result Michael Bay really loves this character.
Starscream- The second commander of the Decepticons. He is an expert at military strategy and really wants to kill Megatron because he is disgusted at his pathetic excuses for military strategies. Where as Megatron's basic strategy is plow everything into the ground, Starscream prefers to choose certain Decepticons for certain assignments. Under Starscream's command, the Decepticons managed to locate Megatron and successfully release him, throwing everyone into panic. When they were once again under the control of Megatron, the Decepticons and their leader were defeated by the Autobots (who they greatly out numbered) and the humans (who they were much bigger than). Starscream was the only Decepticon who was smart enough to escape the battle alive and flew off into space. Until he discovered that he was outta gas and fell into the sea, he is currently being repaired by the mermaids of Atlantis (and enjoying it).
Blackout- The first transformer to be seen in the movie, and the first one to do anything. He is seen at the beginning of the movie showing off how many nuclear weapons he has in his arsenal. After his totally awesome performance, he is not seen again until the very end of the final battle. He is a very powerful Decepticon with lots of strong armor. However, the humans soon learn he has no armor around his crotch and so they constantly shoot him there until he dies (he has nothing to be ashamed of).
Barricade- The Decepticon who stole all the advertisements for the movie. After a failed attempt to befriend Sam Witwicky (AKA ladiesman217) on Facebook, he gets into a wrestling match with Bumblebee and gets his ass kicked within ten minutes. Though he was thought to be dead, he shows up with his fellow Decepticons for the final battle. However he is never shown in the final battle or for the remainder of the movie because he got a cold and couldn't make it to work on the last five days of filming
Frenzy- The first cybertronian midget with the reflexes of a Gollum, he is the smallest of all the transformers in the movie and as a result he can only spy. He turns into a CD player so he can listen to himself when he's bored. He also throws CD stars that will cut a head straight off (he speaks from experience). The lesson, music is bad for you.
Bonecrusher- A very religious Decepticon who splits a bus, yells out "jesus christ" and "bloody hell", fights Optimus Prime and dies... all within twenty seconds.
Brawl- A heavily armored transformer who can never remember whether his name is Brawl or Devastator. He has lots of armor and lots of weapons and despite all of this, is pretty much killed in the final battle within a few minutes.
Scorponok- A robotic scorpion that has a major scene in the movie. He fights Lennox's squadron of men, until they blow off his tail. Once his tail is lost he grows depressed and burrows underground and lives with groundhogs for the rest of the movie, where he watches all the movies Michael Bay buried after they failed at the box office.
Autobots[edit | edit source]
The second invaders of earth that are led by Optimus Prime and archenemies of the Decepticons. Like the Decepticons they too want to destroy the human race, but unlike the Decepticons they form false alliances with the humans to defeat the Decepticons and save the planet. Then while fighting the Decepticons, they intiate their ultimate plan to destroy the humans (destroying countless buildings while fighting the Decepticons). They are slightly less evil than the Decepticons, but since the movie needs heroes, they take the role.
Optimus Prime- The self appointed leader of the Autobots who spends all his free time on Ebay and thinks he's Superman. Optimus is very good at negotiating and acting kind towards humans. His destroying method is running to save Sam from a very high drop and ignoring the doomed pilots in the falling helicopters right next to him. He also falls into large areas with lots of people, leaving minimum survivors.
Despite being the leader, Optimus is not a very good commander as he acts like he cares for his comrades until they are ripped apart, then he gives them a little sympathy before tossing their corpses aside offscreen. He also is not very smart when it comes to making strategies as he knows all about the All-Spark and that if put into a Transformer it will destroy both itself and the Transformer. He has a strategic plan to save the human race by putting the All-Spark in his chest and destroying it and himself. It isn't until after Megatron dies that he realizes that he could have just put it in Megatron and saved himself along with the whole universe. After the fall of the Decepticons, Optimus and the surviving Autobots decide to live on earth by hiding from the humans in their vehicle modes. Optimus is last seen at the end of the movie in his robot mode standing on a tall hill over the city where everyone can get a good look at his undisguised form.
Bumblebee- The Transformer who gets stuck watching over Sam. Bumblebee started this whole mess when he launched the All-Spark into space rather than just giving it to one of his comrades. Making things worse, it just so happened to land in the North Pole of a weak and innocent planet called earth. At one point he stole the Bat Signal and converted it to an Autobot Signal to summon his fellow comrades. Bumblebee is pretty much the punching bag of the universe as he had his voice box ripped out by Megatron sometime before the movie, he was staked by humans and was the only Transformer that they captured, and he got his legs crippled while shielding himself from Starscream, and the list goes on.
The Autobots pretty much use Bumblebee as an agent for the extremely dangerous and possibly suicidal missions they don't want to do themselves. Bumblebee still remains loyal to the Autobots, even though they abandon him to the humans when he is captured and don't even go to rescue him until the find that he is close to the All-Spark; and they stop once they find the All-Spark is missing from the base. Bumblebee's destroying method is slamming Decepticons into bridges and not caring about the humans on the bridge. He also has the funkiest weapon, a gun in his fist that shoots missiles that don't even fly straight, leading to many innocent buildings being lost.
Ironhide- The official Bad Ass of the Autobots, who loves his powerful cannons. Ironhide is somewhat of a grouch and should not be confused with the Tooth Fairy (seriously, he will incinerate you). His destroying method is jumping around and smashing holes in the street (sometimes landing on people). Ironhide has served in many wars and has been injured many times (it's a mystery how he stays together). Ironhide's arch enemy is the Furby empire, led by Emperor Fluffitine. His rivalry with Furbies began when got one of his own and it talked... and talked... and talked. Until he blasted it into oblivion, thus attracting the attention of the Furby Empire. Since then he has constantly faced Fluffitine in combat, but has yet to win. He seems to have a lot more war experience than even Optimus Prime and as a result tends to not follow some of Optimus's orders depending on how stupid they are (and most of them are pretty stupid). Ironhide really hates Taco Bell and has even dedicated himself to wiping all Chihuahuas off the face of the earth. However, his goal is put on hold when Optimus informs him of their mission to keep a low profile and destroy the human race when they least expect it.
Jazz- The coolest looking Autobot in the movie who you cannot take your eyes off of... until you discover that he talks like a rapper. As his name implies he is a fan of music and has a unique fighting style that he made himself while playing DDR (somehow it's effective in battle). He is the runt of the Autobots, as he is small and doesn't take life seriously. For some reason he is the First Lieutenant of the Autobots despite being the most likely to get killed in combat (shows Optimus's poor tactics). His method of destroying is sitting on uninsured cars and crushing them, he also sometimes flings himself into buildings while fighting giant transforming tanks.
He has a very odd gun that seems to do no damage to those who are bigger than him (which is everyone). He actually turned out to be the most popular Autobot amongst audiences. Then he got torn in half and killed by Megatron, because Michael Bay always happens to kill off his most popular characters.
Ratchet- The medic of the Autobots who can't save anyone once they have been injured in battle (like Jazz). He is a medic and yet he wears armor that makes him look like he is going to kill someone, making all of his patients scared of him. Ratchet's destroying method is stomping around cars and causing them to crash into his feet. Ratchet thinks that the war can be won simply by talking with the enemy, but no one ever listens to this advice and thus the violence persists.
The Dinobots- Do not appear in this movie (DAMN IT BAY).
Plot[edit | edit source]
The film opens with an opening that does not feature the original song. We then turn to a military base which is having a lot of trouble dealing with killer helicopters, specifically Blackout, who demolishes the military base (Sadly it's the last action scene for a while).
Meanwhile Sam is at school trying to sell the remains of his dead great grandfather, but no one buys them. After school his dad decides to get him a car even though his son clearly doesn't have a license just yet. The father is a generous man who takes his son to a rip off car store owned by Bernie Mac. Bernie tries to sell Sam an old, beat up, yellow car because he is afraid of it and thinks it's possessed by Satan. Desperate to win over his classmate, Mikaela, Sam foolishly buys the car, named Bumblebee, and ignores the "Thank You" from Bernie.
Meanwhile up in the sky, the Decepticon called Frenzy is attempting to steal precious information from the president; information that could mean the end of the world. Despite there being lots of security on board Air Force One, they are all pretty much asleep and so Frenzy gets in and steals the information. We then turn to a scene where Scorponok plays tag (using his tail) with Lennox's team. To make a long story short, he loses.
Elsewhere Sam manages to get the girl he loves into Bumblebee, and the car is trying to push him to third base. Sam then starts to think that his car really is possessed when it turns into a robot and sends a signal into space. They later are attacked by a police car, Barricade, who turns out to also be seemingly possessed, but Sam's car kicks the crap out of it. Soon the Autobots arrive and accidentally crash into a number of buildings, damaging them. They soon acquire car forms and meet up with the humans and Bumblebee. Then the Autobot leader comes in and introduces himself as Jesus Christ.
At first Sam pees his pants, until the leader says he thought this was how to get a human's attention. He says his real name is Optimus Prime and introduces the other Autobots as Jazz, Ironhide, and Ratchet. They then show Sam a hologram of why they are here; they are looking for a cube called the All-Spark. They tell Sam that the All-Spark is like God's right hand as it is able to create life forms just like themselves (and it was placed out on Cybertron's surface rather than being put in its core where none could reach it) and they say that there is a map on the glasses that belonged to Sam's great grandfather. They all go back to Sam's house and he starts to look for the glasses while the Autobots try to hide. Then a Chihuahua pees on Ironhide and he loads his guns, but Optimus tells him to stand down. Unfortunately, Sector Seven arrives. During the attack, Bumblebee is captured (NOOO!!!).
The Autobots at first don't care until they learn that the All-Spark is near Bumblebee. All parties then meet up and begin to fight after stalling for an entire movie. Throughout the battle, there is a lot of destruction and many Decepticons die. During the battle, Megatron finally enters the scene and kills Jazz. He then fights with Optimus and they do strange air stunts before crashing to the floor. Optimus then tells Sam to put the cube in his chest, Sam obeys and both Optimus and the All-Spark are destroyed. Sam is happy, until he discovers that he foolishly killed the one bot and one weapon that could save the Earth. Megatron then enslaves the Earth within a matter of minutes and the Decepticons throw a major party with lots of alcohol and women.
NO, WE'RE KIDDING!!
Due to the fact that the audience would rather prefer a happy ending, Michael Bay's advisors forced him to delete this ending and make a new ending for the film where Sam puts the cube in Megatron's chest and he dies. This ending was inserted about two weeks before the movie's premiere, as a result it was a rocky ending with a whole bunch of stupid conclusions. Such conclusions involve Optimus having a pathetic and brief memorial for Jazz, Sector Seven being shut down by the government, and Mikaela falling in love with Sam just because he's cool now.
Plot for people with ADHD[edit | edit source]
There are these giant evil robots and these giant good robots. The giant evil robots try to destroy the Earth but the giant good robots want to stop the giant evil robots from destroying the earth (why either group cares about the Earth is irrelevant). The good robots fail, and then the U.S. Army and two horny teenagers have to take over and fix the fucked up mess that was the giant good robots' attempt to save the world. Then they save the world, proving that the human race is better than two massive giant robot armies at getting things done. The End.
Reception[edit | edit source]
The film received lots of positive reviews. Many critics and fans praised the special effects (unsuspecting of the truth). The film won many awards including best destructive scene, best chaotic movie and even best director for Michael Bay (many people felt this was a sign of the apocalypse).
The film did however gain some criticism from fans and critics alike. Many Transformers fans were upset that the humans had more screen time than the Transformers, especially when they actually paid to see the big ass robots kick the crap out of each other. Some fans also criticized the fact that there were minimum fight scenes so that the movie could have an actual plot, something that they did not care about. Critics criticized the movie for making the Transformers the main focus of the movie, as they felt that their human species should have been the main part of the film. There was also much controversy when president George W. Bush thought that the movie was real and thought that Frenzy was going to kill him in his sleep. In an attempt to help himself cope with his fears, he spent $30,000,000 dollars of the federal budget to triple the White House's security. He also slept with a gun in his hand for an entire month and shot anything that came into his room after 7:00 p.m (leading to many security guards being put in the hospital).
George W. Bush: I'm not really a superstitious man... but this movie was so real and so logical that ... I-I just didn't feel safe about being the president anymore. I feel the money I spent was not wasted and have no regrets about the spending.
Finally some critics greatly criticized the movie for having action scenes when they could've focused on a touching movie about Sam proving to Mikela that he was a good person and eventually starting a beautiful romantic relationship with her. In response to these criticisms, Megatron hunted each and every one of these critics down and ate them (everyone was happy).
Edits[edit | edit source]
The movie did feature a couple of edits, ranging from entire scenes to simple content removal. It was said that a number of these edits were done to save money and keep the movie at an appropriate age level. However Michael Bay stated that this was not the case, some of these scenes were cut simply for safety. One of the edits was the fact that all the cybertronian blood that Michael Bay wanted was cut out. Michael Bay stated that he wanted Cybertronian blood in the movie to make it more realistic, but one day a scientist stormed into the studio and asked Michael how a machine could bleed. Michael Bay tried desperately to explain it was only a movie, but the scientist went berserk and started to trash the room within a matter of minutes. FBI agents and Government officials were forced to tranquilize the scientist and drag him away (many were injured that day). In response to the action, the studio ordered Bay to not use the blood.
Some scenes were cut simply so that the movie could be completed. One example involves Jazz's death at the hands of Megatron. In this scene, Jazz was supposed to face Megatron in a battle of DDR. But the scene was cut out after a large number of producers jumped out a window shortly after seeing the shot. Another one of these scenes was a scene where Sam and Mikela are supposed to make sweet monkey love in the car. The scene was filmed about thirty times, but was eventually cut due to all the cast members losing concentration whenever Megan Fox started to lift her shirt. Finally there were supposed to be a lot more action scenes, but most were cut out when Spielberg wanted to have an actual "plot" to the movie (and even threatened to shut the whole movie down).
Sequel[edit | edit source]
Yep there's a sequel, but it's a whole lot worse. Its so bad they had to rehire Megan Fox just to attract people.