Terri Schiavo
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Saint Theresa of Schiavo (December 3, 1963 – February 25, 1990 – March 31, 2005) is a saint of the Roman Catholic Church.
Schiavo, a martyr, was beatified for the miracle of distracting the American public long enough that God's will could be codified as law without anyone raising a fuss about it. Devotees of the sainted Theresa express their devotion by emulating the mortification of the flesh that brought their idol closer to the Lord by placing two fingers down their throats and regurgitating. In this way do they rid themselves of the uncleanness just as Terri did in order to receive the visions of Christ.
The canonization of Terri of Schiavo is disputed, as it is argued that she is the only one who failed to suffer throughout her earthly trials. Some consider her the first vegetable Popess of the Roman Catholic Church.
Schiavo's last words were reported to be in the form of a redondilla, or Spanish quatrain:
- muuuu nuhhadsdf durrr jkaaagh
- wooee rhruihyo dhidoh waaaaaagh
- waaaaa naaaaaa vaaa voooom
- baaaa baaa baaaaaaaa booooom
Soylent Green is made of Terri Schiavo. It is the only meat-based product approved by PETA. It is also of note that she also inspired the 1987 hit song by The Smiths, "Girlfriend In A Coma".
There have been legal debates over the past few years between God Vs. The Ben Dover, PA Board of Education over the teaching of Terri Schiavo in elementary school science classes.
Hail Terri
Devout Catholics may perform the Hail Terri by lying completely prostrate in bed, articulating AHHHHHHH and then virtually screaming WAAAAAAAA. The Hail Terri is often prescribed to atone for the sin of gluttony.
Film adaptations
The story of Terri "the Ragin' Cajun' from Shreveport" Schiavo is a sweet miracle of love. A man who loved his vegetables so much that God was so pleased to make his bowl of salad alive even though only for a while. In the beginning, Schiavo was no more than mere cabbage leaves, who then became capable of talking and walking thanks to God's Supernatural Power.
In the few days when she was sentient, she brought the man happiness and made his life enjoyable. After those days of wonder, she perished, also thanks to God. Her body then provided the man vitamins and fibre with negligible amounts of calories. Amen.
Terri Schiavo's remains are buried in a food pyramid.
Terri Schiavo won much critical praise with her television show, Story Time with Terri Schiavo. Her most famous story was titled "Gaaaaaazzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz".
In popular culture
While Paris Hilton is credited with the catch phrase "that's hot", Terri Schiavo was the inspiration for replacing "I'm so hungry I could eat a horse" with "Man I'm hungrier than Terri Schiavo" as she starved to death. She is also credited with giving children at dinner time, "I don't want to eat my Terri Schiavos! Gimme ice cream!"
Debate
Schiavo's husband, Michael, wanted to eat Terri, as she would taste good shredded over a Caesar salad, or at least using Caesar dressing. Her parents, Bob and Mary Schindler's Liches, were devout carnivores and refused to let Terri be eaten so. After going to court, Michael Schiavo won the right to let Terri die, and ate a stalk of her shredded into a Cobb salad. The Schindlers had to settle for having Randall Terry serve them two aborted fetuses, medium rare, with a bottle of Chianti.
See also
- Pinocchio – Schiavo's brother. Made of wood and lasts much longer. Amen.
- Soylent Green – You are what you eat. Amen.
- Brain Peppers – She was good for something after all. Amen.
