Taylor Swift

Taylor "the Swizzler" Swift
"Hmm, no honkers here..."
Born	Taylor Alison Swift (1989-12-13) December 13, 1989 Reading, Pennsylvania
Occupation	Pop star Country girl Cult leader Minor deity
Years active	1998–present
Relatives	Other rednecks
Musical career
Genres	Pop
Instruments	Vocals
Signature

Taylor Alison "the Swizzler" Swift (born December 13, 1989) is an incredibly mediocre, overrated singer that has somehow managed to gain international acclaim despite most of her songs being average at best. The reason of this worldwide fame is probably attached to the fact that her parents were filthy rich, so she could pay media outets for her music to be played all times until people started being accustomed to it; not unlike how a kidnapper treats tenderly their victims until these victims start to have Stockholm syndrome. And now that she's famous, she's now even more filthy rich that her parents already were. And all she did was sing horrible pop music songs. This is the point where the music industry has gone to.

She is better known for her ability to land her private jet(s) in places jets don't normally land. She is also known for her mind control over her fans, known as "Swifties," who will do anything for her up to and including sacrificing themselves ritualistically to ensure her latest album hits the #1 spot on the Top 100 Billboard year after year, despite half her albums just being the same thing re-released multiple times with the added benefit of them becoming "her version." Swift rocketed to fame early on in her life, after a black man walked on stage at an awards ceremony and called her a bitch. Previously, she had only seen small success as a backup guitarist and vocalist in a truck stop gig band. Her infinite number of high school exes provided her with infinite potential to write about, and although she is nearly 40, she has yet to realize that her high school days are very much over.

Okay, whoever wrote this article is a stupid dick. Taylor Swift is a wonderful musician and if you dont like her music thats a YOU problem. Shes an inspiration to many young girls around the world thats why shes famos not becasue her parents were rich. get your facts chekd befor ataking anybody u stupid idiot...

Early life

Swift was born in a barn in Reading, Pennsylvania, a town that consisted of a post office, a fire station, and an outhouse. Her family was considered poor, owning only a 3 story manor with a 10 acre yard, and 6 cars. Being raised in this "prison" gave Swift plenty of early trauma that she later would make use of in her musical career and general attitude about life.

At some point, she became infatuated with Dolly Parton and the Dixie Chicks, so moved to Nashville to try and emulate them. Unfortunately, she lacked the... endowment... of Dolly, and the vocal skills of the Dixie Chicks, so was relegated into being a low-tier Faith Hill clone. Her big break came when the family Macintosh computer exploded while she was googling pornographic images of guitars, and a repairman came to fix it. Conveniently for her, he knew how to play the guitar, AND sing. While he worked to clean up the smoldering embers of the family computing machine, he taught a gullible Taylor Swift how to pretend to play the guitar and how to write a super basic song. Her first song, with his help, was titled: "My Sock."

Swift also dabbled in a modeling career, but was often made fun of for her "plank of wood" build, her bleached hair, and her valley-girl-esque characteristics.

oh fuk u Taylor is a beatuyful godess and she stael all the caemras becuase of her prety face. if u think shes ugly thats becusae your a dirty misoginist who only find girls atractive when they hav a huge pack of honkers. u should be ashamed of urself u misoginist prik

Career

Swift's prettiest photoshoot.

The Swizzler's debut came one day while performing at a local coffee shop. Desperate to make money to continue her alcohol addiction she had picked up during kindergarten, (wait, what?), she had signed up to play the 2:00pm-4:30pm slot on a Wednesday at the Blue Bird coffee shop. Conveniently there at the time was one Scott Bruschetta, a music executive most well known for his invention of an Italian sliced meat. Bruschetta was pathetically attempting and failing to sell his sliced meat at the coffee shop for some reason, but lingered to listen to Swift play after she dropped her guitar on his foot.

When Swift began playing "My Sock" to the bored audience of two, (one of whom was the barista, forced to witness the performance), Bruschetta was seen to have fallen out of his chair with a loud "Whoopee!", where he then hit his head on the table, immediately concussing him. This accidental trip into the ether led to him come up with the idea to start his own record label, and to sign Swift on as its first artist. Thus was founded Big Mean Record, sometimes mislabeled as Big Machine Records.

The initializing era

Swift soon tired of being forced to play "My Sock" at every place she went, so made a new song called "Timmy McGee," about a wannabe cowboy in high school. The song... existed. She then released a full album, professing her narcissism and lack of humility already by calling it Taylor Swift. The album did alright, but got beat out by the Gummy Bear song, much to her chagrin.

In 2007 and 2008, she released the new Communist anthem, "Our Song," which was banned in several countries. "Teardrops on My Guitar" was another release that did quite well, mostly due to the cover art which had her cosplaying as a wine bottle. With the release of, I kid you not, a Walmart exclusive song, she was finally awarded an award that said something about her being a songwriter in Nashville. Her dream had come true, but she was just getting started.

The fearless era

Album #2 came soon after the middling success of her narcissism trip, and it was released in late 2008. Called Fear, it was about how she was scared of watermelons, hay, tall people, football, and black people. The main song on Fear, "Love Story," was the #1 song pretty much anywhere where there was a radio and a speaker, and stayed in that position for all too long (haha!). The rest of the songs crowded the Top 100 list of country songs, enraging all the beer drinking tractor driving rednecks, who proceeded to burn down her family home while she was shopping at Sephora.

Fear got her a ticket to the prestigious MTV Video Music Awards, where she had the BIG SCARE. Her song, "You Belong With Me," featuring DJ Hitler and the Powerpuff Girls, had won her the award for Best Female Video. and as she walked up amidst the cheering to receive her golden Popsicle stick with her name on it, something happened. A black man leaped up onto the stage, grabbed the stick, and yelled: "Bitch! Hoe! Ye out!" before leaping back into the crowd of shocked spectators. A black man? At the MTV awards? Unthinkable. Swift handled the scare quite well, with only one or two mild shrieks let out.

As a result, she later changed Fear to be Fearless to show how brave she had been during the assault on her life.

The reputation era

Like most yuppies who have experienced a sudden influx of fame/money/sexual interest, Taylor fled from her hick roots in Tennessee to the smoggy and dirty city of New York. With that change, she finally dropped her country facade, and finally admitted that she was truly a brainless city girl as supposed to a brainless country girl. In 2014, she dropped the steaming hot turd labeled 1989, which was supposed to be a reference to a scary book her cousin had told her about, but due to her not knowing shit about math or even knowing how to count, she was off by 5 years. The album rocketed to the top (again) thanks to the help of one certain Benjamin Netanyahu and his propaganda arm which was beginning to take off in the United States.

Some "bangers" from this album are "Shake My Ass Off," AIDS Blood," and Wild Wet Dreams." Most of these made it to the top of the billboards, but only in countries like Albania and Zimbabwe. Swift received the Dick Award in late 2014 for this album, marking it the first time a woman had a dick. Hearkening back to her Jewish roots, Swift became enraged when Apple had the gal to let listeners hear her music for a 3 month free trial of their platform. After threatening them with her Orbital Goyim Laser lent to her from Supreme Leader Benjamin, Apple backed down. In 2016, that black man that had jump started her career by appearing on stage, appeared again. This time, the black man came out swinging, rapping in his song about how he made "that bitch" famous, and how he would certainly have sex with here at some point. Musical analysts suggest that they may have already done so, but Swift denies these claims with the statement that "white only is right." In 2017, Swift's money was drying up thanks to her cocaine addiction and all the child support she was paying (how ironic), so she dropped another album to recoup some money. Called Reputation, after her dwindling reputation, was about how she had been groped and had groped at a party. It also was about all her affairs, which were not actually real and purely based out of her fantasies, as nobody except that one black man had any sort of vaguely romantic interest in a 30 year old who still thought she hadn't graduated high school.

Dick Lover, Folk-gore, and Nevermore

In 2019, Swift dropped the ear cancer that was Dick Lover, an album she wrote with the help of the National Psychiatric Institute. Dick Lover was capable of causing immediate brain cell loss in anyone or anything that listened to it, and it was even recorded that a rock lost it's nonexistent brain cells when exposed to it. In association with the already washed up members of Panic! At Your Mom's House, she farted out "Me!" and "I Need to Calm Down," both of which were as politically charged as they were stupid and incoherent thanks to, once again, her opioid and alcohol abuse.

After a scorching hot summer wherein Swift managed to get sunburned TWICE, she released "Cruel Summer," which was a diss track about how summer sucks and winter rules. A line goes something like this: "It's a cruel, cruel, summerrrrrr, where's winter to kick its, um, bootayyyy yayyy oh my gawdd, we all should calm downnnn."

In late 2019, Swift proclaimed herself the artist of the decade after outselling everyone else thanks to her Jewish sales tactic of selling each of her songs individually and with multi-colored CDs to make sure the average fan had at least 10 different CDs of the same exact song (but in different colors! Wooo!).

In 2019 she also had the misfortune to be cast in the musical movie, Cats, which was one of the worst things to ever appear on-screen. Swift's performance was panned by all, except her fans, and she has since been banned from ever making a television appearance ever again (Thanks God!).

In 2020, she got into a bit of a fight with her label, and broke up with them. For reasons that totally were not severe greed and a lack of funds to support her, (sigh... alcohol and opioid addiction), she decided it was in her best interest to re-record every single song that she had ever sung. This enabled her to go full super ultra saiyan Jew, as she now could sell multiple versions of each song, in multiple colors... now with scratch and sniff features on some of them.

During the pandemic in 2020, while everyone else suffered, Swift proudly told the people to "go eat cake." And then, from the saftey of her favorite private plane which she kept in constant orbit above NYC, she went and farted out Folk-gore and Nevermore, albums that consisted of her crooning with a raspy voice about trees, short people, swamps, and naturally, more high school drama. Old habits die hard I guess.

Re-recordings and Mid

Taylor started 2021 off with a bang by (re)releasing Fear and Red, but with the added benefits of being called "Taylor's Version" and costing approximately $20 more for each album purchased. Swift also created a TEN MINUTE version of one of her most popular songs, "All Too Smell" which managed to peak on the Billboard 100 for unknown reasons. Who the fuck is listening to a 10 minute song? It's just her looped over and over again for 10 whole fucking long drawn out minutes! Six minutes of it is just the guitar line! Fuck!

Swift, not ready to drop dead quite yet, dropped Mid on October 21, 2022. Mid was a return to her roots as a wannabe rapper and 80s rock star, with weird synth vibes and electric music. Mid did about as well as its name suggested, and has been called "second monitor music." The one song that did well was called "Anti-Hero," and was a nonsensical tale about how she was the real hero in everything and how relatable she was even though she was so rich that she took a private jet just to get to the bathroom in one of her 50 or so houses. Very relatable.

After seeing that her drone-like fans would buy literally anything she sold, Swift got real lazy and decided to re-release even more music. Speak Now and 1989 were copy and pasted from previous years, and shipped off to her fans, who for some reason thought that it was totally new music and totally not just her downloading and uploading some old MP3s she had found on her computer. She would have done it a lot sooner, but couldn't find the power button on said computer for almost a whole year.

Breaking her ban on being involved in the film industry, Swift managed to get her grubby mitts in the musical department for Where the Crawdaddies Sing, which was a period piece about... zzzzzz... oh shit, nothing at all. With another serial snoozer under her belt, one of her many sycophants and loyal minions managed to shove her into a supporting role in the film Amsterdam, which had her playing as a prostitute in the famous red light district. The film... has been completely forgotten, and most deny that it ever existed in the first place, marking another film that nuked itself as a result of Swift's involvement.

The Erotics Tour, The Tortured Moron Department, and The Life of a Slug

The very second that the pandemic was declared over, Taylor's private plane descended from the sky, and she began a tour. She had burned through all her money door-dashing drugs to her mansion, so needed to make a quick buck. Her fans were ravenous for her, so naturally inhaled the tickets that were sold to them at exorbitant fees. Called the Erotics Tour, it was such a huge deal that Disney even made a documentary about it, narrated by some British guy who wasn't Patrick Stewart, which was yet another first for both parties. The tour went all over the world, with an estimated climate impact of a billion people all farting at once for 12 years straight from Taylor and her jet setting lifestyle during the tour alone. Thankfully, she graciously paid off her carbon debt by sending $5 and a lollipop to a monkey she saw at the Franklin Park Zoo in Boston. An angel in our midst!

During the Erotics Tour, people began to see just how Jewish she was, with some seeing tickets costing up to and over $10,000 just to be seated behind the stage where they couldn't see anything. Swift's PR team quickly escaped public scrutiny be releasing AI generated images of her going at it with the black man from before, effectively changing the topic for god, as her army of drones rushed to her defense. In England, she got drunk at a pub, and her performance was so horrible the next day that 3 people got stabbed.

When she finished the tour and got back to America, she realized she had spent every cent of the earnings already on things like gold plated toilets and genetically modified pug/donkey hybrids, and had none left to pay the bills. Swift was forced to enter the studio again, pushing out The Tortured Moron Department, which was all about how well (poorly) she could rhyme. Literally within the same day, after people had already bought it, she released it again, but with a few extra songs, forcing fans to buy it AGAIN but at an even higher cost, just to get two extra songs. Shalom Swift, shalom.

In 2023, Swift realized she was fading into obscurity quickly, so immediately began a torrid love affair with the chocolate loving Travis Kelce of the Kansas City Chiefs. Travis was a hulking brute with approximately 5 brain cells, and not much else going for him. Swift had neurosurgeons implant football knowledge into her head in order to understand his sport better, but it still bewilders sports fans when she continuously cheers for the wrong team, thinks a touchdown is a goal, and keeps bringing a soccer ball to all of Kelce's practices.

Most recently, Swift decided to capitalize on the things that has been going out of style: sex. Advertising for her new album, The Life of a Slug, has her naked, covered in oil and bees, and squirming around on the floor in an attempt to be sexy. Unfortunately, Swift has not changed from being a plank of wood, so has yet to attract the attention of anyone beyond her fan base. Not to mention, nobody wants to see a nearly 40 year old who thinks she;s in high school singing about Travis Kelce's "wood" and how she loves to ride it. (Yes, that is actually in the song, no subtlety to be found there). Swift has threatened to release another album already, which investors estimate will be a crippling financial blow to the average American/Swiftie fanatic, as it will send them into lifelong debt (if they weren't already after the Erotics Tour).

Artistry (or lack thereof)

Style

Like many other modern pop singers, Taylor Swift's songs are full of repetitive strings of sound accompanied by rhythm that try to resemble music. Something that she proclaims she "never goes out of"; her style is a likened to a chameleon in that it is unoriginal, and a copy of significantly better styles that preceded her rise to stardom. She incorporates country, rap, depression, slop, k-pop, R&B. synth-pop, fat-pop, lollipop, and pop soda all to make up her 'signature' style. She originally identified as a country singer, as that is what she originally wanted to be. She has been accused of being a "false prophet" for country music by die hard enthusiasts, as she rarely mentions a truck, girls, or even beer. Swift denies this claim, stating that "all my songs are about heartbreak, isn't that what country is all about?"

Later and more recent albums have been described as "ethereal" and "mind-numbing", and have been utilized by the CIA as torture tactics to get spies to give up their secrets.

screw you swifts songs ar a MASTAPIECE. their literaly one of the best music pices humanity has evar herd. their better than mozart and betoven and all those nerds. its very ovious you never listened to them becaus if u did youd cry from how AWSOM they are.

Lyrics

Taylor's lyrics try to sound profound and inspiring, but upon closer inspection one realizes they're actually devoid of meaning and are only written to appeal to young girls that will reluctantly steal their parents' credit card to buy the next album Taylor has stored.

Voice

Swift possesses a voice that is akin to a rat being stepped on while farting through a walkie-talkie, but thanks to a risky surgical implantation of a vocoder into her throat, she is able to burp out sounds that aren't totally violating of people's ears. In her early years, she leaned hard into the whole country girl thing, and adopted a twang, earning her significant amounts of criticism for being a poser. Swift now reportedly got an upgrade to the voice box, and has been labeled the most powerful signer on earth, partially due to the upgraded Band and Olufson speaker implanted in the back of her head.

Legacy

The Swizzler, although not quite dead yet, has already left a lasting impact on the planet, and we're not just talking about her monstrous carbon footprint that will take 7 billion years to erase. Swift has sold a bajillion and a half albums, most of them duplicates thanks to her re-releasing strategy that encourage buying, re-buying, and re-re-buying of her music. Her delusional fans constantly rage against the rich and famous, declaring that they will "eat the rich," which Taylor seems to be very much on board with even though she herself is a billionaire who capitalizes off of their brainless life choices on the daily. She is considered a good businesswoman by her fellow Jewish business people, as she has found an effective and efficient way of milking the populace for all that it's worth with minimal effort.

Her drone army, known as Swifties, are considered to be the most loyal fan base in existence, only slightly beating out the Kpop Armies, who have waged war with the Swifties for years now. The Swifties are known to rise up, wallets in hand, to support their goddess by spending thousands to still have to stand in a parking lot outside of a stadium to maybe hear her sing over the sound of the horns honking and the homeless people shouting.

See also

• Music
• Suffering
• Jew
• Rich people