Statement of faith

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In HTML markup, a statement of faith is an HTML6 formatting protocol intended for mandatory use (as of 2020) on every web page accessible by the above-ground Internet. In order to validate correctly, all future HTML6 documents must have a statement of faith placed within the <head></head> section, immediately after the <title></title> tags.

History[edit]

The statement of faith was described as "the Internet version of the music industry's Parental Advisory label". This Creed album doesn't include a Parental Advisory label.

Ever since the dawn of the Internet (c. AD 1992), Mankind has sought ways of inflicting his cherished beliefs upon others. This was done by various methods, such as uploading entire bibles and contemporary apologetics publications and huge lists of out-of-context quotes, even though nobody ever had the time to wade through all that malarkey (not even the uploaders themselves). This unfortunate state of affairs dragged on for nearly two years, until somebody came up with the original idea of having a statement of faith after plagiarizing the concept from the original Apostles's Creed.

The first statements of faith were crafted in a wide variety of bizarre forms and gaudy font-styles and flashing animations, which caused rampant confusion[1]. The rampant confusion was so rampant and confusing that nobody knew what to believe anymore, including devout conservatives.

Then in 2016 came the joyous discovery of HTML6, which was found encrypted in CIA computer files and translated from the original assembly languages by a team of professional hackers. Today's website administrators now possess the means of reformatting their fervently-held unfounded assumptions into a uniform block of data that is guaranteed to be compatible with Windows 10.

Syntax[edit]

The basic HTML statement of faith declaration uses the <faith> HTML tag, which, in addition to the standard CSS styling attributes, takes several optional additional attributes. Each article of faith is enclosed in <article> tags, each of which is referenced by unique id handles. As an option, articles may be nested in hierarchical form.

 <faith style="(css code);" attribute1="a1" attribute2="a2" ...>
  <article id="article_name-1"> We believe in this.           </article>
  <article id="article_name-2"> We believe in that.           </article>
  <article id="article_name-3"> We believe some other stuff.  </article>
  ...
 </faith>
Attribute Values Description
seriousness

integer from 1 to 5
(default=3)

1: Helpful suggestions; no big deal if they don't float your boat.
2: Recommendations for day-to-day living, but temper with your own judgement.
3: Screw your personal judgement, your psychological well-being is at stake.
4: Screw your happiness, your very life is at stake.
5: Screw your life, your eternal soul is at stake.

priority

integer from 1 to 5
(default=3)

1: Factual evidence may override an article of faith when deemed sufficiently important.
2: Only a logical proof of a conclusion contrary to an article of faith should be given more than a passing consideration.
3: All factual evidence must conform to the articles of faith, unless the website administrator rules otherwise.
4: Only God Himself would be allowed to contravene an article of faith.
5: Not even God Himself has the authority to contravene any article of faith.

enforcement

integer from 1 to 5
(default=3)

1: Healthy debate permitted to examine how well the articles of faith work in the real world.
2: Lengthy arguments emailed against any person who questions the articles of faith.
3: Immediate excommunication for any person who does not agree with every article of faith.
4: Invocation of God's wrath against all visitors who dare to even secretly disagree with any article of faith.
5: Expect loud banging on your front door before you are hauled away by hired goons.

deities

integer from 0 to 9007199254740991[2]
(default=1)

0: Atheism
1: Monotheism
2: Dualism
3: Monopolytheism
4 or more: Polytheism

truth

boolean from false to true
(default=true)

false: This statement of faith consists of a string of filthy lies.
true: This statement of faith is true.

Accessibility[edit]

There are several ways of accessing the contents of a faith declaration, either from the user end, or at the primary source. A special sequence of keystrokes (ctrl + alt + pig-up + numpad7 + poweroff), held for a minimum of five seconds each, will simultaneously bring up the formatted text of the faith statement on screen[3] and brazenly announce it to the world over megaphones[4]. There is also a specialized JavaScript function (whatWeBelieve) which can read it to a string variable (v = whatWeBelieve().txt), or dynamically modify its contents and/or attributes (whatWeBelieve().statement = m, where m is a medieval manuscript or Chick tract encoded as a JavaScript object).

Penalty for non-compliance[edit]

Starting in 2020, failure to include a properly-parsed statement of faith in any HTML document propagated over the Internet will automatically blacklist it from Google's mighty search engine and banish it forever to the vast lawless underworld of the DarkNet, where there is wailing, gnashing of teeth, and unlimited freedom of expression. This punitive measure is anticipated to improve Google's speed and efficiency by a factor of (at least) 500.

External links[edit]

Internal links[edit]

References[edit]

  1. Not to mention eye strain.
  2. Since floating-point values are not allowed here, 9,007,199,254,740,991 is the maximum number of deities permitted. Invalid or out-of-range values will return a fatal error at runtime.
  3. Video monitor required.
  4. Air or other sound-carrying medium required.