Sprite

“The rejection of acquisition is the symptom of a vacuum. Failure to catch them all is in turn a moral failure of those who evade the fact that there can be no compromise on basic principles.”

~ Ayn Rand on Pokemon

“I @M TEH AUTH0R!!!!!”

~ God on the Universe

"Sprite" was until recently considered an ethnic slur against digital organisms, sometimes referred to as the Corporeally Challenged. It has come to gain acceptance in later years, but the struggle still continues for these mealy, blocky, shifty-eyed little perverts seeking to gain acceptance in a society run by decent, innately superior, and hard working Human Beings. In one of the earliest journalistic accounts of the group, published in 1891, Miss Will Allen Dromgoole described them as "shiftless, idle, thieving, and defiant of all law, distillers of brandy, almost to a man"--"a great nuisance," "exceedingly illiterate, unforgiving," and "in most cases filthy."

What the hell?

Evolution of the Sprite

The first sprite.

Sprites are an offshoot of phylum Pixelae, and are sometimes confused with Emoticons, although they are a completely different genus. Early sprites could move only in a strait line, which hampered their ability to evolve. Later generations would grow legs, become affected by gravity, and pop balloons. At this point, the early sprites began to develop diverse and distinctive forms. From the three different ships in Space Invaders to a tiny racecar to a cartoon pickle, each new form they developed was perfectly suited to the tasks their respective environments required of them. It is to these early archetypes the filthy, degenerate sprites of today owe their misbegotten lineage.

Biology of the Sprite

Physical Structure

Vivisection and MRI have recently confirmed what you've probably already guessed. They're made entirely out of little squares. Beyond that, how they function remains a mystery to science.

Mental Derangement

A Sprite beats up a schoolgirl

The Sprite lives for combat, it exists to kill. Every waking moment is spent in search of upgrades, better weapons, or more powerful spells. This single-minded purpose hounds the Sprite at all times. Sprites will mercilessly kill thousands of other Sprites just to go "up a level," as they call it. Fiercely racist, sprites will only team up with similar Sprites, and often betray each other at crucial points in the game, and run off with all the stuff you equipped them with.

Diet

Each of these vile little creatures eats a different type of food unique to that individual sprite. It's usually easy to identify what it is, as the ravening fiends will lust after it like a junkie with an inhuman, insatiable greed. They'll wander right into your house and go through all your stuff looking for some. It might be dots, coins, keys, gems, or little gay hearts or something, but these point tokens are the sprite's mainstay. Never allow one to eat too much of this stuff, or it'll turn on you and use some kind of special power.

Sprite Culture

Despite the vast differences in their myriad native Environments, Sprites have developed a vestigial form of civilization, and there exist digital realms where sprites live in a state relatively free of the constant savagery that characterizes their species. Usually these complacent creatures will stand in the same spot, and repeat some useless anecdote or idiotic "clue." Still others blather on and on about some kingdom, prophecy, or what have you, before going out and killing other sprites in the countryside. But for the most part, any true "culture" is reflected only in the placement and coloration of those little squares. They can be said to be "Tribal" at best.

War among the Sprites

Due to the barbaric nature of Sprite society, war is a constant obstacle to any hope for a nascent enlightened civilization to grow. The earliest recorded Sprite civil conflict was the Vector Uprisings during which swarms of Asteroids were hurled into the Raster overlords' missile command center, a war which sparked off generations of conflict between the pixellated Sprites and the vector based Polygonal Entities, who went on to evolve into something useful instead. Later years saw the war between the forced perspective UAC marines and the orthographically projected X-Com defence force which arose over an argument in a bar ("They called the Zaxxon a garbage scow!"), and spread to consume the galaxy. Other notable conflicts include Iran/Contra III: the Alien War, The Nintendo War, and Marvel Vs. Capcom. It is of note that no Sprites ever actually died in any of these wars. No Sprite ever truly dies.

Known or Suspected Sprites

Link, Mario, Donkey Kong, Superman, The Entire Cast of Dragonball Z, Popeye, Gorf, Krazy Klimber, Wolverine, Samus Aran, E.T., Toe Jam and Earl,Yoda, The Cool Spot, Sonic the Hedgehog, Ernest Borgnine, Mega Man, Rush, Pac Man, Miss Pac Man, Baby Pac Man, Senator Pac Man, Grandpa Pac Man, Sephiroth, Yar, Rambo, Dizzy, all eight of the Lost Vikings, Mazinger Z, Duke Nukem, B.J. Blazcowitz, the Terminator, Howard the Duck, Speed Racer, Kim Jong Kim Jong Il,Super Kim Jong 3,, Bomberman, Yoshi, Bowser, The Overfiend, Doctor Robotnik, Doctor Wily, Doctor Quinn, Super Probotector, Bionic Commando, Boris, Al Capone, Hello Kitty, the Shounen no Furi Furi Girls, Akamoujou Dracura, and Pikachu.

See Also

• Sprite comic
• Nintendo
• Sega
• Atari