Sir Charles M. Talleyrand

Sir Charles M. Talleyrand, laughing in victory after forcing himself upon Eva Braun's burning corpse.

“He killed me.”

~ L. Ron Hubbard on Sir Charles M. Talleyrand

Seen as an iconic folk figure, living legend, and human proof of God's unique power and sense of humor, the Right Honourable Sir Charles M. Talleyrand (born 1903) is widely regarded as a myth in the scientific community. However, it has been noted that this so-called "scientific community" is perhaps the most dubious and unreliable of communities; in fact, the scientific community is regarded by many as having dangerous terrorist ties, second only to the so-called "nudist community" in their carte-blanche support of radical Islamic extremism.

In any case, most free-thinking individuals have chosen to reject the scientific rejection of Sir Charles M. Talleyrand, embracing the noble soul as a kindred spirit of all who exemplify money, fame, stunningly-good looks, and sex on a daily basis (excluding Paris Hilton, a minor nemesis of Sir Talleyrand). Below is what information has been discovered in regards to Sir Talleyrand's life and escapades.

Origins and Early Years (1903-1912)

Birth

Born in the small rural community of Wichita Falls, Texas in 1903, Charles Montgomery Talleyrand was the son of secretly-schizophrenic children's book writer L. Frank Baum and Virginia Stetopolis, a mentally-challenged one-armed prostitute living on welfare with a kindly group of seven men suffering from dwarfism. At the time, Baum claimed that Beelzebul, dark lord of Detroit and 75% of its suburbs, had christened him Death-Lord Gavin Talleyrand the Mighty and sent him to impregnate the women of the world. Unfortunately for the death lord, Baum died of a heart attack midway through the consumation act, shattering what little sanity remained within Virginia Stetopolis. Born to a comatose mother, infant Charles "Charley" Talleyrand proved his survival instincts when he weaned himself off of milk within the hour of his birth. By the end of the week, according to anonymous clinic staff at Wichita General Hospital, Charles was smoking cigars with the senior staff members and was nearly expelled from the infant ward when he seduced seven nurse's aides at the same time, leaving them satisfied despite having not yet hit puberty.

Puberty and the Titanic

Puberty would come soon enough, and like all things involving Charles Talleyrand, is was larger than life. Having traveled to Europe on a walkabout, nine-year-old Charley found himself living in Southampton, England. In a random game of poker, Talleyrand won a ticket on the RMS Titanic third-class deck. It was here, on a cold night in April of 1914, than Charley experienced his first erection, an event which pierced the bulkheads of the Titanic's hull. Charles, despite impressing himself with his newfound girth, quickly regained control of his raging sexual potency and proceeded to shepherd many unattended ladies to lifeboats (note: several of these ladies ended up becoming pregnant weeks after the event; though they all say the had never met their beau of the evening, each woman described what is believed to be a young Talleyrand). The British and American governments, seeking to cover up such a bizarre situation, escorted Talleyrand back to Washington, D.C. While inventing an "iceberg" story to explain the sudden sinking of the world's "safest ship," President Woodrow Wilson had Talleyrand made a guest of the federal government and began training him to become a special operative for the greater good of, in Wilson's "constitutional government and international freedom, except in India and the Middle East." It is to be noted that, when Britain suggested releasing their territorial holds on the persian region (Iraq, Iran, Saudi Arabia), Talleyrand advised against it. Previously-obtained documents quoted him as saying: "Do whatever the hell you want; but if you let the Arabs rule the Middle East, in about eighty years they're gonna fly airplanes into our buildings. I'm just saying." Though scientists again seek to debate the veracity of these statements, the average American has by and large seen the truthfulness of Talleyrand's far-sighted wisdom.

George Foreman, Secretary-General of the United Nations, cheering on Talleyrand as he sinks the Titanic with his massive wang.

Adolescence, Extra-Terrestrial/Demonic Suspicions, Genetic Replication, and the Hot Dog (1912-1936)

Adolescence and Roosevelt

Despite having been "discovered" by President Wilson, Talleyrand quickly became a close friend of former President Theodore Roosevelt. Decades later, during the Cold War between the Soviet Union and the United States of America, Talleyrand was quoted as saying: "We should have been an empire. Teddy was right all along. But did you guys listen? No... you wanted to be isolationists." While most Americans are loath to invision the United States as an imperial power, few can argue with the core truth behind his words. Roosevelt became fond of Talleyrand after Charley dressed in a lion suit and dared Teddy to shoot him. Roosevelt, an accomplished big-game hunter, tried desperately for several hours before finally hitting Talleyrand squarely in the chest. To his amazement, Talleyrand stood up, covered the wound, and said "If I had a speech handy, I'd be pulling a Roosevelt!" T.R. soon took the pseudo-orphaned boy under his wing, remarking on his deathbed that his one wish was that he could have met Talleyrand before choosing President Howard Taft to succeed him.

Government Suspicions

Despite gaining popularity with the American public --his record in the fighting of World War I was exemplary, and his unparalleled bitch-slapping of German Kaiser Wilhelm II during his surrender in 1918 was well-received by most of the Allied parties-- several key members of the United States government began to suspect Talleyrand to be of extra-terrestrial or perhaps even demonic origins. Virginia Stetopolis, his comatose mother, had long-since died in her coma, muttering "shiny saucers" for hours before finally dying. While Talleyrand always maintained this was in reference to her strange collection of custom-made silver plates, in 1926 suspicious officials couldn't help but notice his phenomenal virility, enormous penis length and girth, beginning signs of agelessness, and the ability to excrete poisonous fumes through his anus after sniffing permanent markers. These seemed to signal that L. Frank Baum, once assumed to have been secretly a deranged schizophrenic, had been in actuality possessed by an alien species (the "Beelzebul" he mentioned) and used to propegate their species. Though their were repeated denials from Talleyrand and few associates, there was no arguing that his many amazing abilities left modern science with a great deal to explain.

Cloning Experimentation

Contrary to the common public perception, the United States government began experimenting with genetic duplication as early as 1915. Prompted by his wife that "the only way you could satisfy me was if there were two of you," President Wilson commissioned several prominent doctors and scientists to discover the key to playing God. Stirring these lab workers with the speech entitled "Operation: My Sex Life Depends on This, Boys!" he managed to see several impressive but utterly futile gestures in the realm of human cloning. However, several renegade scientists began secretly collaborating on a much more serious effort at human genetic replication in 1931, this time focusing on the more-virile genetic material of Charles M. Talleyrand. Talleyrand, now 28, still appeared to possess the same body he had as an eighteen-year-old, prompting further questions into his possible otherworldly origins. Talleyrand, while uncomfortable with the concept of cloning, agreed to participate since "anyone else really wouldn't be worth the effort, would they?" These experiments would see fruition in the late 1930's, eventually leading to the formation of Talleyrand's American Knights of the Long Sword.

The Hot Dog

In the midst of his important projects, Talleyrand tried to connect with the younger elements of American society. Working with a volunteer group, Talleyrand took groups of school children to American places of business and enterprise, hoping to excite them about their possibilities. It was on a trip to a pig slaughterhouse in March 1936, however, that Talleyrand was asked by a curious lad where babies came from. Not wanting to disappoint the tyke and seeing no ladies available for a proper demonstration, Talleyrand quickly grabbed a sausage link from the wall and stuffed it between two slices of bread, simulating the act of copulation. A nearby farmer, Steve Zuckerman made note of the demonstration, later using it for a state fair and making millions. Talleyrand, in good spirits, has never begrudged Zuckerman his money; he claims that, since he deflowered all nine of Zuckerman's daughters (even the ugly one), they were "more-or-less even."

World War II, Lineage, and the American Knights of the Long Sword (1938-1945)

Prelude to War

While developing a sex-education tape using his "hot dog" method, Charles Talleyrand was surprised to discover that his ancient enemy, the Loyal Officers (the soldiers responsible for the overthrow of Xenu and the founding of Scientology, had once again inhabited the body of a human male... this time, it was a young Austrian named Adolf Hitler. Recognizing his species' latent abilities to destroy, devour, and deflower (the three "D"s), Talleyrand pressured the government to quickly stifle the re-emerging German wermacht. President Franklin Roosevelt (who Talleyrand once said was "a fine guy, but I liked Teddy better") stalled at pursuing action, and Talleyrand disgustedly headed to Britain, where he quickly became drinking buddies with Winston Churchill. Talleyrand often claimed Churchill was the only man who could consistently out-drink him. Despite a chummy relationship with Churchill, Talleyrand's overtures to the British government in an effort to find and free Lord Xenu to help fight against the Loyal Officers were not well-received.

Operation "Dynamo" and the Battle of Dunkirk

As a personal favor to Churchill, Charles Talleyrand flew a small antiquated biplane into the bay of Dunkirk in 1940, where he helped stall the German pursuit of fleeing British and French soldiers. While many suffer under the false impression that Hitler's orders prevented German troops from pursuing Allied forces, the truth has been revealed that Talleyrand used his invincible penis to dislodge the spokes on the German tanks, slowing their rate of progression. Only when the British had fully escaped did Talleyrand himself retreat, leaving many French forces to be captured (an item agreed upon by both Churchill and Talleyrand as giving the French what they had coming to them).

The American Knights of the Long Sword

In 1942, the world was fearful of a Nazi Germany that might well have conquered the world. To this end, the United States called for Charles M. Talleyrand to return to the US. There, in a secret laboratory, the clone secretly grown from his genetic extract was revealed to him: Chuck Norris. Quickly teaching him the legendary "roundhouse kick" of the Xenu Elite Guard, Talleyrand and Norris set out to create an all-American team of super-soldiers that could harass and topple the Nazi regime. Eventually, they would form the paramilitary team known as The American Knights of the Long Sword. It's members consisted of Chuck Norris, Elijah Tyrone (alias Mr. T), Angus MacGyver, and Leeroy Jenkins. From April 1942 until V-E Day, the American Knights disrupted supply lines, humiliated Nazi officials through publicized penis-size contests, and spraypainted American flags on the side of every public restroom throughout Germany. Eventually, realizing that one of their own bloodline was working to disrupt conquest by the Scientologists, the possessed Hitler tried desperately to procreate. His chosen victim, Eva Braun, refused to do so until married, and Hitler finally acquiesced days before his suicide. Upon discovering that she was secretly barren, however, Hitler poisoned her and shot himself in the head, ending the Loyal Guard's conquest hopes on Earth... for the time...

First Bout With Cuddlebug the Magnificent

During the infamous Battle of the Bulge (which, contrary to popular history, was in fact a battle between two penile bulges), Sir Charles M. Talleyrand met on the battlefield with who might be perhaps his only equal on the battlefield in terms of penile combat. In a duel to rival the greatest of Star Wars lightsaber fights, Talleyrand fought with legendary mercenary Cuddlebug the Magnificent. The duel ended in a draw, but the effort had released the US Army to repel the final German offensive. Talleyrand and Cuddlebug allowed their other to depart, vowing they would meet again.

Corbin Kesselring

In the aftermath of World War II, Sir Charles rescued a young German boy from the rubble of Berlin. Despite his best efforts to rehabilitate the young man, Corbin Kesselring was never able to fully recover, and eventually became the primary stunt actor for Ronald McDonald.

Additional Contributions to the War Effort

Europe was Talleyrand's primary battlefield; however, in the notable Battle of Midway, Talleyrand used his elongated penis as a sort of underwater lance, repeatedly striking and sinking Japanese aircraft carriers. The surviving Japanese sailors returned to Japan with details of American soldiers and their giant penises, not realizing that only Talleyrand was so spectacularly endowed. Days before the end of the war with V-J Day, Talleyrand left the US military, angry that the atomic bomb had been chosen over dropping his protege and clone, Chuck Norris, into Japan. Though continuing to promote pro-American messages to the masses, Talleyrand refused to work with the US military from that day forward.

The Aftermath of War and Cultural Revolution (1948-1988)

Post V-J Day and the Sixties

Knighted by King George IV for his tremendous valor in the European front of World War II (the only such occurrence for a foreigner), Sir Charles Montgomery Talleyrand returned to unprecedented acclaim in the United States. Several government officials, however, having been privy to Talleyrand's secret origins as a member of Lord Xenu's Elite Guard, no longer trusted America's greatest hero. For the next twenty years, Talleyrand merely rode the ride that was his popularity, making guest appearances at random places and events. However, the United States' strict scrutiny of his actions and movements continued to be a source of contention between Talleyrand and Presidents Truman, Kennedy, and to a lesser degree Eisenhower. As the sixties began to roll around, it became obvious that Talleyrand's lineage as an extra-terrestrial has rendered him nearly impervious to the ravages of time. In 1962, a scientist from the University of Texas extracted more genetic samples from Talleyrand, determining that he had the body of a 25-year-old man.

Woodstock

In 1969, Talleyrand was convinced by several younger associates to attend Woodstock, hoping to soften his rapidly-growing distaste for the hippie movement. While there, he tried to initiate a sexual encounter with a long-haired woman, only to discover that the she was a he. Troubled by the path America's youth had chosen, Talleyrand departed for Australia, living among the Aborigines for nearly six years.

Reappearances and Re-Disappearances

In 1975, Talleyrand traveled briefly to Hollywood to sponsor a semi-autobiographical screenplay of his exploits in Australia titled "Quigley Down Under." Selling the script to Tom Selleck, Talleyrand instead met with new filp producer George Lucas. There, he confided in Lucas that he had yet to name his world-famous penis. Lucas promised him a movie that would give Talleyrand great inspiration in naming it. For two years, Talleyrand stayed in America as Lucas' guest; some say that Talleyrand's mere presence brought vitality to Lucas' normally-stale writing style. In 1977, Lucas revealed "Star Wars" to the world. Talleyrand, speechless for the first time in his life, proclaimed "Star Wars" to be the greatest film ever and named his penis "Darth Vader" in honor of the film. Huge ticket sales convinced Talleyrand that America might finally return to the correct path; but less than a year later, in a club in New York City, Talleyrand declared that disco music was "a damnable collection of pseudo-hypnotic musical notes designed to cover the flaws of basic caucasian dancing." With that, he left once more for Australia, where he would remain until 1988. Only after witnessing the stylings of Styx' "Come Sail Away" did he declare America to once again "rock my socks off" and return in 1988.

Second Bout with Cuddlebug

While in Australia, Sir Charles became embroiled in a conspiracy by racist radicals in the Australian government to eliminate the Aborigines people. It was during this time that Talleyrand had his second run-in with Cuddlebug the Magnificent, still working as a freelance mercenary. Again engaging in a penis duel (dubbed the "Schwartz Duel Down Under"), the two fought for over a week. When the two got caught in a landslide, however, they chose to work together and try to return to civilization. In exchange for the assistance, Cuddlebug joined with Talleyrand to save the Aborigines. They again went their separate ways, vowing no mercy the next time they came across one another.

The 90's, the Raiya-Da's Re-Emergence, and Saving the World (1992-1997)

Political Indecision

In 1992, Talleyrand's sponsorship was sought out by both Bill Clinton and George H. W. Bush. The still-vibrantly-young Talleyrand hesitated to support either candidate, since he in truth favored Ross Perot, a free-wheeling Texan independent. As Talleyrand said: "Any man who knows he's got ears that big and still has the confidence to get on national television has definitely got my vote."

Resurgence of the Loyalist Guard

Upon Clinton's victory, Talleyrand once again saw the tyrannical forces of the Loyalist Guard attempt to procreate more of their species... this time through a human female, one Hillary Clinton. Seeking President Clinton in confidence, Talleyrand impressed on the President to refrain at all costs from engaging in sexual relations with Mrs. Clinton. Bill obeyed, but eventually was caught engaging in a tryst with Monica Lewinsky. Talleyrand publicly refused to attack Clinton, claiming that "...while I don't care for adultery, that man just nailed a hood rat for the safety of America!" The current condition of Clinton's indwelling is unknown; but, to be safe, no men have gone near her in over a decade. Despite the threat, however, neither Clinton nor his successor made attempts to discover the hidden jail of the beloved dictator Xenu, who had for millennia fought against the Loyal Guard and their Scientology mumbo jumbo. A third attempt to procreate would prove successful when noted indwelt actor Tom Cruise would impregnate overrated actress Katie Holmes (known on the streets as "Dicklick Kate"). Though the Loyalist Guard have made several attempts to abscond with young Suri, the only other alien-human hybrid besides Talleyrand himself, the American Knights of the Longsword have repeatedly rebuffed all kidnapping attempts. The question of Suri's loyalties has yet to be answered.

The Comet

A few years after subduing the renewed alien threat, Talleyrand's cosmic ancestors decided to settle for an invasion. Tethering their essences to a rogue comet, the Loyalist Guard raced towards Earth. In an unprecedented display of penis power, Sir Charles flew onto the comet with a crew of bomb specialists and used his penis to drill a hole 800 feet into the center of the comet. Dropping a nuke into the hole, the crew destroyed the Scientologist threat once again. He then returned to the Earth with Ben Affleck, where Ben graciously gave him first shot at nailing Liv Tyler. Touched by his generosity, Talleyrand spared Ben the shaming he might have received from such a magnificent pounding (no man has ever compared favorably following up after a "Talleyrand Homecoming"), and the two have been friends ever since. Deciding he needed a rest after such an ordeal, he left with a small commune of teenage cheerleaders to once more live in Australia, his new adopted vacation home.

9/11 and Beyond (2001-Present)

"I Effin' Told You So"

In the wake of 9/11, Talleyrand initially responded with an angry speech to the American political body entitled "I Effin' Told You So" (see point 1.2.2). He traveled to Afghanistan, seeking to soften up the area in anticipation of an American-lead coalition. He then returned to the states, busting terrorist cells on the home front and engaging Paris Hilton in public debate. As of 2006, however, Talleyrand had once more left America's shores, determined to re-introduce radical Islam to the West "old-school style." No one has made direct contact with the elusive Talleyrand since shortly after his return to Afghanistan, though rumors about that he's currently torturing al-Qaeda leader Osama bin Laden by forcing him to watch "Gigli" over and over again (note: despite the absurd horror of the aforementioned movie, Talleyrand is an avid Ben Affleck fan, calling him "oscar worthy for more than just writing"). No one knows for sure where he is now; but, if he is sticking true to form, one can imagine that Sir Charles M. Talleyrand is getting along just fine.

The Paris Hilton Affair

In 2004, a Nike commercial aired on MTV featuring old footage of Sir Talleyrand and his American Knights busting a Nazi bunker; next, the Nike swoosh appeared on a white screen, followed by the words "Some things stay classic." Paris Hilton, a guest on the following program, singled out Talleyrand and said her famous "That's hot." Sir Charles, informed of the comment, responded: "Yeah, but not nearly as hot as the scorching case of chlymedia she's got." Paris Hilton responded angrily, but of course no one cared. A rift developed between Hilton and her friend, Nicole Richie, when it became clear that Richie had chosen to side with Talleyrand; for awhile, the two were rumored to be lovers, a rumor Richie has encouraged and Talleyrand has remained silent on, suggesting truthfulness. Recently, Hilton became the highest-ranking second-rate whore of several under-funded radical terrorist cells. She is currently unable to work with them, however, as Talleyrand's foreshadowing of Hilton's chlymedia case seems to have been born out, and now half of the terrorist world is infected with chlymedia.

Famous Quotes

“If I had to do it all over again... I'd be really pissed.”

~ Sir Charles M. Talleyrand on Life

“Yeah, but not nearly as hot as that scorching case of chlymedia she's got.”

~ Sir Charles M. Talleyrand on Paris Hilton

“Yeah, FDR was alright... but I liked Teddy better.”

~ Sir Charles M. Talleyrand on FDR

“Everyone thinks it's so cool to be me... and for the most part, they're right. But not all the time. I kill every woman I sleep with... not by choice; my ejaculation's a frikkin' SHOTGUN! Granted, women sleep with me anyway. But still... it's a mess to clean up.”

~ Sir Charles M. Talleyrand on Sex

“I want his penis.”

~ Oscar Wilde on Sir Charles M. Talleyrand

“Ur n my house, stealin MY internets!”

~ Internet Kitten on Sir Charles M. Talleyrand

“He made me the man I am today.”

~ Rosie O'Donnell on Sir Charles M. Talleyrand

“There are very few things that I'll ever beg to see. One is the world's largest turd, one is watching my wife and Monica duke it out in a mud pit... but the ONE thing I'll beg to see most is the divine glory that is Sir Charles M. Talleyrand's penis.”

~ President Bill Clinton on Sir Charles M. Talleyrand

“He's your daddy.”

~ Your Mom on Sir Charles M. Talleyrand

“ROAR!!! (trans: "He's an upstanding, generous individual, and I'm blessed to count him as a friend.")”

~ Raptor Jesus on Sir Charles M. Talleyrand

A Legacy in Review

Despite his often-rocky relationship with the United States government, Sir Charles M. Talleyrand himself has remained a steady figure of heroic romanticism in the US since he first saved the Earth from the dire threat of Nazi domination. Since the 40's, Talleyrand has remained a luminous figure of American superiority. Taking early stances on issues such as gun-control ("I want control over my guns!"), smoking ("Now don't be rediculous... of COURSE you look cool when you smoke!"), radical Islam ("Ain't nothing radical about it!") and Middle Eastern culture ("You guys suck, but Jesus isn't about beating people up... that's why God made people like me."). The American Knights of the Long Sword, named for Talleyrand's long schlong, have been reinvinted in several different generations of military combat; but none have obtained the ferocious successes that the original team saw in World War II. Like the emblazoned image of Che Guevara, Sir Charles M. Talleyrand dances before the eyes of all true American patriots, reminding them that, as long as you have the bigger penis, you're never wrong.