Hierarchy of the Catholic Church

Pope Emeritus Benedict XVI, the former leader of the Catholic Church.

The Roman Catholic Hierarchy is an annotated ranked list maintained at the Vatican for the purpose of adjudicating serious disputes between practicing Catholic parties.

History

The Hierarchy was created in 666 by Pope Inconspicuous XIII in response to popular demand. It replaced the former system of accumulated hit-points, which was widely blamed for promoting numerous assassination attempts of beloved clergy members. The system has gone through several revisions over the intervening centuries, the most drastic being during the Council of Vatican 2, when female nuns were included for the first time. The Council of Vatican also dictates tough arcane rituals, such as the Ceremonial Distribution of the Ceremonial Head-Gear.

It is a custom that most of the Catholic power be given to the member wearing the silliest hats, and vice-versa. The Roman Catholic Hierarchy is designed in such a way as to keep the lower echelons of the faithful as far away from God as possible. This practice is referred to by the Clergy as "long-dickin'".

Utilization

Upon induction into the Catholic Church clergy, the initiate is immediately assigned a numerical rank, which is worn on the back of the vestments as a large stylized Roman numeral in gold-trimmed blue on a white background (with the sole exception of Cardinals (solid red on yellow)). In the event that any two or more Catholic officials become embroiled in a finer point on purely theological matters, the nearest nearby Catholic who ranks at least one level higher than all of them is immediately summoned, who then arbitrarily decides the question between the original disputants. After the decision is reached, the loser (or losers) is immediately docked one full level in rank, whilst the winner may choose between either a weekend indulgence in sunny Acapulco, or a notarized chit (of which five are required to gain a rank).

Reserved seating and privileged parking spaces in any Catholic church building are wholly determined by the hierarchy. Violators of the rules are subject to automatic and painful excommunication (transmitted over geosynchronous satellites by tiny radio emitter/receivers embedded in every clergy member's electronic collar).

Current Version of the Hierarchy (RCH 5.01)

• I: God, a.k.a. Jesus, a.k.a. Holy Spirit, a.k.a. Virgin Mary
• II: Pope, or in the case of the last 5 popes, Archbishop Marcel LeFebvre
• III: Holy Bible Holy Magisterium
• IV: Archcardinal
• V: Cardinal
• VI: Archbishop
• VII: Shrub Nigguath
• VIII: Rook
• IX: Bishop
• X: Knight
• XI: Pawn
• XII: Prelate
• XIII: Monk
• XIV: Primate
• XV: Archpriest
• XVI: Priest
• XVII: Archdeacon
• XVIII: Deacon
• XIX: Subdeacon
• XX: Acolyte
• XXI: Exorcist
• XXII: Lector
• XXIII: Porter
• XXIV: Preacher
• XXV: Prophet
• XXVI: Archnun
• XXVII: Nun
• XXVIII: Subnun
• XXIX: Vagrant
• XXX: Altar boy

Anyone below this level in the hierarchy automatically qualifies for an unlimited bout of punishment in the form of Freestyle Rap Battle by the Vatican Boys Punishment Squad.

• XXXI: Bus boy
• XXXII: Bat boy
• XXXIII: Altar girl
• XXXIV: Janitor
• XXXV: Shoe polisher
• XXXVI: Woman priest
• XXXVII: Slime mold in baptismal
• XXXVIII: Slime mold not in baptismal
• XXXIX: Non-Practicing Protestant
• XL: Satan
• XLI: Martha Stewart

See Also

• Roman Catholic Church