UnBooks:Pudgic Bible
| Note: The writer of this here article admits to know NOTHING of the layout of the Bible other than what they checked out on Wikipedia, as he is not a Christian (and does not want to be, so stop trying to convert him!). So please format and add to this to make it more consistent with the real thing if it is already not. |
Are you living an empty, indifferent life with no passion? Don't answer that: of course you are. Fret not, child (that's right, child)...for now there is a guide to help you live a carefree, balanced, and full life. And it begins with a little something you may have heard of, but never considered: weaselpudge.
Weaselpudge is the very holiest substance in the Universe. It can and will do anything for you if you let it into your life. And now you have a chance to redeem your soul, and be saved. This is the Pudgic Bible, brought to complete and unabridged from the makers of Freshstep Cat Litter ® You can smell the difference... © Now with anti-odor crystals!
And brought to you by:
The Old Testament[edit | edit source]
Chapter I: Genesis[edit | edit source]
Genesis, Part 1[edit | edit source]
1.1 In the beginning, there was nothing (except Chuck Norris and weaselpudge, but that's a given and you should have known that). Then, triggered by absolutely nothing, the world was forged out of weaselpudge.
1.2 And so, first weaselpudge created the lands and the oceans with waters of gold. But saw that it was good. And so created the oceans, polluted and salted. And then saw that it was bad, and that was good.
1.3 And on the second day, the trees were born, and they bore the apples, and the pears, and the fruits of weaselpudge, and they in turn bore the midgets, and the midgets bore the pastries that sang songs of joy to the sky. And it rained, and weaselpudge saw that it was good.
1.4 And on the third day, the bacteria were born, for weaselpudge was uncreative back then, and could only bear creatures of the one-celled variety, but that was fine, because they saw it was good.
1.5 The fourth day brought great celebration throughout the Universe, which back then was the size of a finely-blown red balloon. Not a blue balloon. Not a yellow balloon. Not a green balloon with emerald tops. A red balloon, blowing in the red skies. Yea, 99 red balloons floating in the summer sky.
1.6 It brought great celebration, for weaselpudge had born evolution. No longer were there to be bacteria. But evolution had birthed a dark brother that would come to be the end of the world one day, creationism. The dark name. Weaselpudge saw that it was not good.
1.7 Then, on the fifth day, an even darker creature was born, and weaselpudge dubbed it intelligent design. Thus, was sarcasm born. Oh yeah, and it was good.
1.8 And on the sixth day, the creation of the animals came full circle, as weaselpudge forged the weasel, and forged similar, but inferior mammals in its likeness. On that day, the Knights of the Elongated Smelly Rats was born.
1.9 And on the seventh day, weaselpudge took a break to chill with his hoe. And oh yea, it was good...good indeed.
1.10 Finally, on the eighth day, weaselpudge created Uncyclopedia, and made the humans to watch over it, Adam the man and Eve the woman (Eve...a woman, that was where the term "evil" arose). And saw that Uncyclopedia was best of all.
1.11 (hey look, three 1's, lol) But yea, not nine days old was the world, when weaselpudge birthed a new evil, Wikipedia, for the forces of light and darkness must be balanced. Yes, it was good!
1.12 On the ninth day, a great step was taken, and Adam did @#$%! Eve's &$!#& with his throbbing &#@$, and nine months then, their twin sons were born, and were dubbed Cain and Abel. And it was good. Especially the sex part!
1.13 (Plot spoiler ahead: This is what actually happens in the Bible...more or less) But all was not well, for jealousy soon arose within Cain at his brother, for on their thirteenth birthdays, Abel received a maple leaf to cover his genitalia, but lo, Cain had only received a leaf of oak....
1.14 Father, why do you give Abel a leaf of maple, and I one of oak? Cain had asked.
1.15 He is Canadian, son, and for that, I have pity on him. Canadians shall soon be the downfall of the Earth.
1.16 And Cain took it within himself to kill the Canadian. Good man...
1.17 Angry was weaselpudge, for Cain had killed Abel. And so, weaselpudge banished Cain to the fifth dimension, where he would live a life of torture, and his brother would be avenged sevenfold. And so, that was what Cain dubbed his band, and yea, they did rock, and it was good.
1.18 And let any who save Cain from this life of pain and heavy rocking be banished to the Five-hundred-and-fifth dimension, and may they be avenged SEVENTY-SEVENFOLD!! Cause Bat Country is my jam, dawg! And yea, it was--alright, just assume it was good by default, okay? (Spoilers end here...the rest is bullshit)
1.19 A year passed, and Adam and Eve did birth another son, and forty-three daughters whose name everyone forgot. And yea, did their son screw each of his sisters, and they each birthed two children, who each child screwed each other, and in turn the humans began to grow in numbers. Yes, there were many meaty mongrowls roaming the Serengeti plains. Yes, it was good.
1.20 And on a cold day in the eleventh month of the year, Adam did stop his toiling in the fields, and grabbed a beer, and watched the football, on the screen of the TV, and yes, it was very good. And from then on, Thansgiving was a time to rejoice, thank the evil sadistic spirits of nature for their bounty, and most of all, get hammered and crash on the living room coffee table with thy penis flopping outwards.
1.21 And that is the word of weaselpudge.
Chapter One, part One, brought to you by:
Genesis, Part 2: Eve Gone Wild[edit | edit source]
1.22 All was well in the home of Adam and Eve, for they lived in a little cottage by the woods, with many flowers, and a pet squirrel named Piccadilly. And it was good, except when Adam got drunk and said dirty things to the next door neighbors. And Eve always complained about Adam's pubes getting stuck on the floor of the shower. And that fucking dog barking every night.
1.23 So, on one fateful day, Adam and Eve decided to spice up their lives. And so, weaselpudge created Chili's, and babyback ribs, and sent a four-headed tetramorph demon to guard the deliciousness with a flaming sword. And then, the spicy barbecue sauce was born...And weaselpudge saw that it was finger-lickin' good.
1.24 But Eve, being of the woman species, was never satisfied, and on that day, a great evil was born...the word sin...Oh, how the mortals of the future will use that word to scare non-believers into their religion! Oh, the shame. Nontheless, Eve sinned, and entered the Garden of Eden. And yea, the creationists were right, there were dinosaurs running about....Psyche! stupid creationists! Anyways, let's continue.
1.25 Eve did sin, for she took the apple from the peach tree. And when she bit down on the plum, the pear in her hand turned to dust. And she dropped the banana, and shouted towards the weaselpudge: "Why the FUCK do you keep changing the damn fruit, asshole!? Is this some sick joke to you, bitch?!! Damn it, now it's a fucking kumquat!!"
1.26 And yea, on that glorious day, cursing was born, and it was good.
1.27 And lo, came a serpent from the peach/apple/banana/pear/plum/kumquat tree, and its name was Satan von Serpentron-X 3000, and it had spawned the armies of robots marching towards the gates of Heaven, which was still under construction, by the way. And on that day, graffiti was born...and MSPaint received the long-awaited Spraypaint tool...And it was moderately okay.
1.28 And that, I tell you, is the word of the great weaselpudge.
This portion of the Pudgic Bible has been brought to you by:
Chapter II: Exodus[edit | edit source]
2.1 And these are the names of the sons of Israel, who came into Uncyclopedia during the Golden Age. And each household brought many cookies and tasty yum-yums.
2.2 There was (this goes best with a merry tune): Ruben (Studdard) and Simon (Cowell), Levi (made the blue jeans), and Judah (who?),
2.3 Issachar (some guy?), Zebulun (who the fuck names their kid Zebulun?), and Benjamin (Franklin, of course),
2.4 Dan and Naphtali (gay...), Gad and Asher (gayer...)
2.5 And unto each of these souls, weaselpudge ate. Their souls were profoundly eaten until weaselpudge could eat no more. And then weaselpudge rested once more to chill with his hoe.
2.6 And then the sons of Reuben and the sons of Simeon, and those two guy gays, and those other punks you've never heard of, they spread over the land and fornicated with many garden hoses, birthing the water people of Uranus. And weaselpudge smote them all. Ha!!
2.7 But many of the water people escaped, and fornicated with garden hoses, spawning more people of the water, and also with trees, making Tree People. And the Tree people revolted against weaselpudge.
2.8 "Blasphemers!" roared weaselpudge. "Why do you betray your creator?"
2.9 Fuck you, great and powerful pudge of the weasel, they said, the Tree People, for it was our fathers, who boned our mothers, the garden hoses, with much vigor and lust, and who created us.
2.10 Then burn! said weaselpudge.
2.11 We cannot burn, said the Tree People, for we are made of rock like you created us.
2.12 And so, that is how weaselpudge transmuted the bodies of the Tree People into wood, so it could burn them with extreme prejudice. And that was good.
2.13 And so, with the creation of the world, the heavens, the animals, the trees, the humans, Uncyclopedia, Wikipedia, cursing, wood, Chili's, babyback ribs, and many tasty yum-yums, weaselpudge had naught to do anything...except chill with his hoe...
2.14 But the humans soon grew weary of their great king, and the following entails how the humans fled Earth into the realm of Mordor, or Narnia (they're both basically the same anyways, right?).
2.15 "Weaselpudge", spoke one youth to the great force: "Let my people go, and we will cease revolting. Pharoah Weaselpudge, let my people go."
2.16 Nay, said weaselpudge, and killed the youth where he stood. Ha!! laugh out loud!! And on that day, the revolution dod not cease, and LOL was born. And it was not good...
2.17 So the humans rebelled, and many tasty yum-yums were lost in the first battle. This battle would become the first ever war on Earth, and so on that day, was born war, and with it, idiotic presidents who make bad decisions about it. And so was the coming of Bush, who was dubbed by his subjects: Bush the Dim.
2.18 And with the coming of Bush came the coming of many more tasty yum-yums, and the Kingdom rejoiced. And all was calm; that is, of course, until the day that Bush slayed the Ho-Ho Monster.
2.19 The lair of the Ho-Ho Monster was many leagues from the Kingdom, but was a monster who lived in the cave, and Bush had to kill it. "Screw the Jabberwock", said Bush the Dim, "I'm getting me a Ho-ho!"
2.20 And lo, did Bush kill the Ho-ho monster, and great feastings were held from its flesh of chocolatey goodness. And all was good, until away went the tasty yum-yums, the eggs of the Ho-ho monster.
2.21 Bush gave them money, and gave them jewels, and gave them other yummy confections, but lo', did the citizens want the tasty yum-yums. And so was the sin of gluttony born. Quite a stupid sin, really. If being fat's a sin, Hawaiians are screwed. LOL!!
2.22 On the next day, Bush did summon the weaselpudge for help. But there only came that fucking dog from Chapter One, and weaselpudge did create guns, and the Bush shot the dog with the gun. Bush shot the doggy!!
2.23 Oh, weaselpudge, help me, said Bush the Dim.
2.24 "Tis too late", said weaselpudge. "Your people have fled your kingdom and are doomed to wander in the desert for forty years because some crazy Jew won't stop and ask for directions."
2.25 And on that day, was born the nation of Israel, in the land of Mordor (or Narnia), so the craaazy Jews could frolic in peace.
2.26 Then the son of Zebulun (hee hee) settled in the north, and his sons brought about the kingdoms of Inciclopedia, Désencyclopédie, Nonsensopedia, Ikkepedia, Nonciclopedia, and Psyklopedin. Because, one thing holds true: no matter what language you speak, if you contribute to any of the Uncyclopedias, you are Bat Fuck Insane...!
2.27 And so, weaselpudge chose to save the Uncyclopedians from pools of brimstone and fire.
2.28 And that, that is how the humans fled the realm of Earth and settled in Mordor (or Narnia); and that is the sacred word of the holy weaselpudge.
Brought to you by:
Chapter III: Leviathan (yes, Leviathan)[edit | edit source]
3.1 And weaselpudge called onto Moses, and spake a list of the many things his people were forbade to consume and engage in.
3.2 "And there shall be no consuming of the creatures of the sea, those who do not have scales like a fish, for they, in the name of the great Douglas Adams, are the most sentient and intelligent species on the planet.
3.3 But it is known that the dolphins worship a false god, and so thou may kill them, but nay may you eat them.
3.4 Thou may chooseth to eat the tasty yum-yums, but refrain from consuming the Ho-Hos, for they are creations of the devil. They are...devil food."
3.5 "And who be this devil?" said Moses.
3.6 And weaselpudge smote him for interrupting, but nonetheless answered his question.
3.7 I say to you, that the devil in our midst is Bacon Mist, and it resides in the bowels of a great and mighty creature south of Uncyclopedia, the Leviathan.
3.8 Can you not slay the Leviathan, great and powerful weaselpudge? asked Moses.
3.9 "Nay", quoth weaselpudge. "I cannot. For I am late in meeting my hoe, so I may chill with her. You must slay the beast."
3.10 And so, it came to pass that weaselpudge did chill with his hoe, and Moses was forced to slay the terrible Leviathan all by his lonesome...
3.11 These are the measurements of the lair of the beast as Moses saw it when he stood upon its welcome mat: a cave, forty feet tall, by ninety feet wide, and deep to an unimaginable length. And the floor was littered with many tasty yum-yums and apple fritters. But nay, were they fritters of apple, or peach, for those were the fruits of Bacon Mist, and weaselpudge had told Moses and his people that only the kumquat was to be eaten, or they would be denied their tasty yum-yums. But that's a different story.
3.12 And it soon came to pass that Moses did see the Leviathan with his own eyes, and it was a terrible beast indeed. Square-shaped and gap-toothed, it was, with an insatiable appetite for human flesh. Tis a grue, said weaselpudge. But before Moses could slay the beast, it ate his face. And Moses shrieked in much pain.
3.13 Then the Grue did consume Moses in his entirety,and weaselpudge and his hoe didlaugh their asses off, and it was good.
3.14 And it came to pass that weaselpudge did kill the Grue with his infinite power, though it is spoken in hushed whispers to this day, that Moses is still alive in the belly of the beast, and weaselpudge and his hoe are still laughing.
3.15 And as weaselpudge looked to Uncyclopedia, it chose to create the eurg to keep the Grue in line, and it was good.
3.16 But weaselpudge had one more commandment for the people of Uncyclopedia, and it said: "Thou shalt not ally thyself with Wikipedia, for those heathens worship a false god, a great Whale named Jimbo, and they are perveyors of Bacon Mist. You are only to worship me, and live in the Kingdom of Uncyclopedia.
3.17 And any articles who do not comply, or meet with my standards, NRV them; and any citizens who commit falsehoods, and treacheries, and make plain crappy articles, kill them. Or ban, whichever...
3.18 And that is the word of weaselpudge.
Chapter IV: The Book of Weasel[edit | edit source]
4.1 The following passages are a recollection of the battles and lives of the Knights of the Elongated Smelly Rats. (Note: No important life lessons ahead)
4.2 It came to pass in the early years of the Golden Age, before the coming of King Bush the Dim, that the ranks of a sect known as the Knights of the Elongated Smelly Rats grew, and they were sent to guard the many palaces of King Wilde the Great.
4.3 They were twenty in number, and they had mad skills all. And the leader was Sir Weaselus the Brave, the greatest weasel to ever grace the planet (dude, this happened in Narnia; it's completely normal to see a sword-fighting pigeon there)
4.4 But also there was Mr.Von Stoat the Long, Sir Fluffy the Cute, Commander Mathalaccus the Adorable, and Sir Bushytail the Cutesy-Wutesy-Pootsy-Little-Baby-Poo.
4.5 And Von Stoat begat Grondol the Little, and Grondol begat Ferretus the Smelly, and Ferretus begat Cheech the Wacky, and Cheech begat Mo the F@#$ed-up Ferret.
4.6 And there was little heard from weaselpudge in this age, for he would always be chillin' with his hoe. And it was good.
4.7 Soon, though, the Calormenes of the southern Wikipedia Kingdom grew jealous of the bounty of Uncyclopedia, and began to attack it. They added proper formatting, discussion pages, style guides, PLOT SPOILER WARNINGS!!! It did not end, and the Knights were pissed.
4.8 "Fuck it, man!!", said Daritus the Loud. "We can't let these motherfucking bitches come into our crib and fuck it all up, yo! What we need is some goddamn bitchifying guns, yo! Bitchify those mothafuckas!!"
4.9 And it came to pass that the Knights did receive bitchifying guns, and did bitchify those mothafuckas. But it came at the price of surrending one of their own to the Bacon Mist.
4.10 So it also came to pass that Geronomo the Bat Fuck Insane grew Bat-Fuck-Insaner and killed his fellow knights, but the Knig did stop him.
4.11 What came next would come to be known as "It", for its grotesqueness would leave all shocked and unable to recall the experience out of fear.
4.12 It came to pass in the battle that ensued after the murders of Geronom, that Geronom did flash his weasel-dick at King Wilde, and so slapped his face with it a thousand times again.
4.13 And Wilde did say to his people after the ordeal: "I have seen the light. And it is that of the cock."
4.14 And immediately, did Wilde throw the many rubber cocks at the crowd. And that day came to be known as "The Day of the Rubber Cocks", for everyone did play with the rubber cocks, and it was good.
4.15 Sir, we thank you for the rubber cocks, said the people as they stroked their rubber cocks. But soon they popped. No more rubber cocks.
4.16 And weaselpudge spake: "Why do I see the remains of rubber chickens littered among the floor?"
4.17 "Today", replied wilde", We played with many rubber cocks."
4.18 Yes, but it is I who must clean them now! yelled weaselpudge. As punishment, the word "cock" was made filthy and perverted with thoughts of sickness and lust, and no longer stood for the innocence of a chicken.
4.19 The same thing happened with ass and donkey, bitch and female dog, hoe and common gardening tool. And it was good, for there were only two swear words before, and they were dying out fast.
4.20 Soon, all were speaking of cocks and asses and bitches and hoes, and it was good, for a time.
4.21 But the people soon grew weary of this, and demanded new swear words to be made; and so, it came to pass that weaselpudge created "dick, screw, and pussy". Before, the words had all meant "British food, toll similar to nail, and cat"...
4.22 Twas not enough, thought the people. We want more! they said. A word so horrible and dirty that all would shutter at its whisper.
4.23 And weaselpudge did create the final curse, and it was one which alchemists and Level 13 mages had been using since dark times to turn baby seals into fur coats. Or gold. Whichever. And that word was....
4.24 SHIT.
4.25 But this new word would bring problems. soon people began arguing. And they argued over many things, but none more so than the question of what was indeed the best curse word of all.
4.26 Some said ass, with its directness and naughtiness, others said fuck, with its ambiguity and ease, yet others claimed bitch was best, for its ability to be BITCH used after any BITCH word in a sentence, bitch!
4.27 Whatever people said, it was obvious the Knights of the Elongated smelly Rat had to put an end to it. But the knights were divided, for each had their own opinions about the best curse.
4.28 In the end, this would only lead to the infamous Battle of the Thousand Fucks, as the armies of Sir Rotendale the ass-Lover, and Mr.Fluffypus the Pussy-Monger converged, and fought for control of all swear words, and all of Middle Earth (and some parts of lower Manhattan).
4.29 In the end, Rotendale's army won, and the King signed the Law of Sir Rotendale, making it so that no new swear words could be created. Of course, the Christians broke this when hell was officially declared "naughty" by Pope Horus the Easily Forgotten in 1344.
4.30 But nonetheless, that is how things came to pass in the kingdom of Uncyclopedia during the Golden Age, before the reign of King Bush the Dim.
4.31 And that is the sacred word of the great weaselpudge.
Chapter V: Chthulu[edit | edit source]
5.1 And yay, twas one more task yet to be completed by Moses. And this was a task befitting of an admin, yet stupid enough for a n00b.
5.2 Moses was to meet the prophet Chthulu on Mount Asshat. A feat that many had tried, and none had succeeded. At least, without dying. Or getting pwned. Whichever.
5.3 But yea, it came to pass that Moses did find Chthulu on the summit of the mountain, and was forced to look into his all-knowing eyes.
5.4 And the prophet said: "Chgthyulkghuthythrughchthchuidegoolkchth!"
5.5 And Moses looked to him and quoth: "But why do you speak this tongue to me, great Chthulu, messenger of weaselpudge?
5.6 And Chthulu said: "Hgaarweghchthwterghelerthyyythychghuile!"
5.7 And it came to pass that Chthulu did eat Moses on the summit of that mountain, and kindly spared him the pain of a million suns, if not for the pain of only a thousand.
5.8 But in that time, Moses learned many things within the stomach of the great phrophet.
5.9 For within the colon, a great and weaselpudgic voice called out to him.
5.10 Moses, can you hear me now?
5.11 And Moses did indeed quoth: Yes, but thou art fuzzy.
5.12 And yea, weaselpudge did move over to the left, but the reception was still bad within the stomach of Chthulu.
5.13 Can thou heareth me now?
5.14 Yea, I can and will, great weaselpudge.
5.15 "Good, then", spoke the voice. "Now, I can tell thee of all the things thou art to do if thou wisheth to escape from thither infernal dungeon.
5.16 What must I do, Father Pudge?
5.17 Hold on, I was just getting to that.
5.18 You must take a fish bone from the gullet of the prophet, and rip open its rib cage. Then the bone will turn into a bird for no reason in the mountain air. You must then kiss the--
5.19 Shall it be a canary, Father?
5.20 Nay, it shall be-eth a penguin-rooster.
5.21 Father, a penguin-rooster? Surely you jest?
5.22 Do you take my sacred word as mere joke, bitch!?
5.23 Nay, Father, but what is a penguin-rooster?
5.24 Tis a creature of such radiance, such purity, that mortal men cannot comprehend it. But thou will soon see-eth when thou completeth thy task. For now,I must chilleth with my hoe.
5.25 And so, Moses did do as weaselpudge commanded of him, and escaped the belly of Chthulu, and kissed the penguin-rooster on the left testicle, and it turned into a kumquat, which rolled down the mountain, and spawned a midget, which took a misplaced hammer on the ground, which turned into a snake, which got on the plane.
5.26 And Moses said, "Oh why, Father Pudge? Please, get these mother***ing snakes off the mother***ing plane!"
5.27 Nay, I shall send for the greatest hero on the Earth to slay the worm.
5.28 But it's a snake...
5.29 Fuck thee, for I call it a worm. Furthermore, I shall send for the great Samuel L. Jackson to slay it.
5.30 And then from the clouds emerged such a face of power and glory and triumph that Moses was humbled, and fell to his knees.
5.31 GET UP, WHITE BOY!! quoth the Hero Jackson.
5.32 WHAT DO YOU NEED?!!
5.33 Great warrior, I require your assistance to slay the mother***ing snake (worm, yo!) on the mother***ing plane. Won't you help?
5.34 FOR A PRICE!! GIVE ME POSSESSION OF YOUR KINGDOM!!
5.35 Sir, why dost thou yelleth at me?
5.36 THIS IS HOW I TALK!! I'M SAMUEL L. JACKSON, MOTHA***AH!!
5.37 Truly, then, I cannot give you Uncyclopedia. Would you settle for Wikipedia?
5.38 IF YOU CAN GET IT!!
5.39 Yea, I must speak to the king, however. Would you accompany me, great Hero Samuel L. Jackson, Slayer of Mother***ing Snakes on Mother***ing Planes?
5.40 NO!!!
Chapter V brought to you by:
Chapter VI: Wikipedia[edit | edit source]
6.1 And yea, as I walk through the valley of death, I shall hold mine head high and not surrender to the facts
6.2 That is what Moses would have said as he prowled the streets of Wikipedia looking for the palace of King Jimbo I, had he not been distracted by all the fancy facts and "truths" displayed at him from the store windows.
6.3 "Ooohh! Aaaahh! Oooh!! What's that?!" wondered Moses, pointing at things with his grubby little fingers.
6.4 And weaselpudge quoth at him: Why do you wonder at such things? Can't you be happy with the shit I gave you already?
6.5 But great weaselpudge, is it so wrong to want more?
6.6 Yes, for it is a sin to envy others.
6.7 Then yea, poor people are screweth over. And great weaselpudge, may I ask of thee one thing: doth thou alloweth me to haveth a candy bar?
6.8 Yea, I can alloweth that.
6.9 "May I have two?" And so, weaselpudge smote Moses a second time, and inverted his penis just for fun and to see what would happen.
6.10 But when Moses did arrive at the gates of the Wikipedian Palace, twas not the King Jimbo Wales who he saw, but rather the King Oscar Wilde, and it was good.
6.11 The Uncyclopedians had taken the kingdom. And yea, for there were grues running about devouring children and raping kittens, and it was good. And the monkeys! Oh, the monkeys flew about dropping eggs and shooting the bird like crazy motha***as they were.
6.12 All was now not good, for Moses could no longer ask King Wilde to give the Kingdom to Samuel L. Jackson so he may slay the mother***ing snakes on the mother***ing plane, for Uncyclopedia was holy ground.
6.13 So he used Wilde's weapon against him, and called out for the seven plagues to strike Wilde where he stood, lest he give the kingdom to the Hero Jackson.
6.14 On the first day, there fell many cocks from the sky, bearing creamy white puddings, and it was good (for Wilde, he liked cocks).
6.15 The second day brought the second plague (duh!), clouds of furries devouring the kingdom. Twas horrible, as they slit the throats of babies and little helpless kittens.
6.16 On the third day, weaselpudge summoned the most powerful weapon known to man and the bane of their existence: Neuroipods. Dum Dum Dum!
6.17 The fourth day brought the armies of grues, gap-toothed and box-shaped, eating everything in sight. Even each other, so the plague stopped relatively fast. Thus was the word "no big deal" born, and oh God!! was it good..
6.18 Zee feefft plague-a ves hurriball , fur it brought zee deemon generel Svedeesh-Cheff, und hees ermeees ooff meatbells. Børk Børk Børk!!
6.19 Nothing could stop the sixth plague, for it brought many shit musics, and yea, did the Fall Out Boy and Panic! armies rage for ten days and ten nights.
6.20 The last plague was the worst of all, bringing the most infernal of all atrocities: The Eurg. Lo, the Eurg did eat many children, and all was not god.
6.21 That was the last straw!!!111!!! said King Wilde, throwing down his milkshake in anger and grabbing a fpoon over the flimsy straw.
6.22 Then Wilde could take it no more! That son of a bitch Moses had an eighth plague: no fpoons!!!111!!! Lo, King Wilde was left with only sporks to consume his frosty yum-yums, and angry he was.
6.23 But knowing he was too much of a gay little pussy-lick to do anything about it, King Wilde gave up like a little pussy would and handed over the kingdom of Wikipedia to Samuel L. Jackson.
6.24 And yea, Jackson did forget why he wanted the kingdom, and did not take it, and did not slay the mother***ing snakes on the mother***ing plane, and everyone died.
6.25 Especially the children, and helpless kittens.
6.26 And Communists.
6.27 And that one guy in the corner.
6.28 And that, I guess, is the sacred word of weaselpudge. Amen.
The Old Testament brought to you by:
The New Testament (the crappy one)[edit | edit source]
Chapter I:Birth of Our Savior[edit | edit source]
Brought to by:
the free encyclopedia anyone can edit
WIKIPEDIA SUCKS!
1.1 Yea, in the kingdom of Uncyclopedia, all was well for many years to come, and nothing changed: same old crappy articles, stupid n00bs, and incompetent admins.
1.2 But something was to happen in the town of Login/createaccount. A sock puppet who would come to be the avatar of pudge, and the savior of all.
1.3 And yea, was the sock puppet born in a stable, for its parents were broke-ass mothahf***as and lived in a frikkin ranch causethey were broke-ass mothahf***as!
1.4 And yea, the name of this great prince of Uncyclopedia
was PixieChick239, and he did become the ultimate savior of Uncyclopedia, if not for his questionable taste in Usernames...kidding me, that guy's queer!! What a freak!
1.5 Oh, but they were wrong, for this was the son of weaselpudge, and you don't mess with that shit, man, nuh-uh! And the name-callers were smited. So were the Communists.
1.6 The only thing that puzzled his mother Mary was the mysterious conception of the boy, for she was a virgin, but with an ass like the seven hills , I tell ya! Damn, homie (I'd tap that)...Uhh, besides the point. She was a virgin, and could not possibly have conceived this child. Unless...
1.7 Joseph, you son of a bitch, did you screw around with me while I was sleeping, again?
1.8 And yea, Joseph did look to the ground in shame, for he had done such a thing.
1.9 Son of a bitch, you know I take that damn Lunesta crap and roofies to help me sleep, asshole, and I can't f***ing wake up for eight hours after that. How could you take advantage of me? I swear, some men are so....
1.10 And yea, the bitch did continue blabbing and wouldn't stop, but all Joseph had to say, and that would be the grand thought of all men to come, was: "I just wanted some ass, honey."
1.11 And yea, was the bitch-slap born. And up in the sky, weaselpudge was chilling with his hoe, and they did laugh at Joseph in his great stupidity, and later smote him.
1.12 Nontheless, the couple continued raising PixieChick239, and he grew up to demolish his older name, and go buy the new title: "J.E.S.U.S.", which stood for: "Joe, Entitled Savior of Uncyclopedia and Sasquatch." And it was good.
Brought to you by:
Chapter II: Life Of Our Savior[edit | edit source]
2.1 And JESUS's slaves--er, I mean apostles-- did grow in numbers, and he soon owned many beachhouses in Malibu, and chilled with many hoes, and it was good.
2.2 But JESUS soon remembered that he was not sent to Uncyclopedia to chill with three-dollar hookers, but to save all of humanity. Or at least everyone who mattered.
2.3 And so, with help from weaselpudge, JESUS changed his look, wearing mahogany robes, instead of dun. And, like, he got a haircut and all. I tell ya, JESUS was pimped out!
2.4 But his disciples did not like this new look, and they stoned JESUS. OMG, JESUS g07 5t0n3d!!!11!!!
2.5 So weaselpudge smote them all. Ha ha!!
2.6 And then, weaselpudge spake unto JESUS: "Why dost thou weareth the robes of pimps?"
2.7 "Yo, chill, homie," proclaimed JESUS. "Ya'll ain't my daddy! I do whatever the flip I want, yo?!"
2.8 I am "yo daddy". And if you have such power, then say "fuck".
2.9 "Flippin no! You know I can't say that, motherflippah! Ya'll flippin tolds me not toes."
2.10 pussy...
2.11 What?! You 'bouts ta call JESUS a wuss, yo? You be trippin! I am the Lord and Savior, bi-otch!!"
2.12 Prove it.
2.13 "Flip, I will!" And so, JESUS set off towards the horizon to accomplish something that would make his father proud (weaselpudge, not his human father, he don't give shit bout him).
2.14 "Fliiiip!", I say whatever the flip I want! I'm Rick James, bitch! Damn, weaselpudge be trippin'.
2.15 And so, JESUS finally came upon the resting grounds of a ferocious beast indeed. (Is this like the fifth time someone's had to slay something in this damn book? God, I hate plot devices!)
2.16 The beast was none other than the fearsome Balrog. And it went: 'Grrrr...." And yea, JESUS did piss his pants.
2.17 "Get the flip out here, foo!" said JESUS. "I'm ah slay you!"
2.18 And so, the Balrog did come hither towards JESUS, and it was slain.
2.19 Damn!! "This is the most balling shit EVER!!" And yea, it was, for the Balrog was thoroughly slain, and it was good. JESUS had proven unto his father that he was capable of saving the people of Uncyclopedia. Oh, wait, that's not what the argument was about...
2.20 You still too much of a wuss to say "fuck", spake weaselpudge.
2.21 Bitch!! I just slayed a flippin Balrog, yo!! I'll fuck you up!! *Gasp*
Brought to you by:
Chapter III: Death of Our Savior[edit | edit source]
3.1 And so, weaselpudge smote JESUS for saying the diabolical word. "No cursing in my house, young man!"
3.2 Before he was smoted, JESUS had but one thing to say: "Damn! I can say bitch, shit, hoe, dick, ass, and skeet, and I can't flippin say "fuck"? That's some messed-up shit right th--"
3.3 But all was not lost, for with the dying of JESUS, Uncyclopeida gained a new birth of power and funny, and the avatars that were to come forth and be the incarnations of JESUS, such asChronos the Great.
3.4 But alas, all was f***ed-up when JESUS came back three days later.
3.5 Damn homie! they all said: Why couldn't you just stay dead, yo?!
3.6 And so, the Uncyclopedians beat JESUS to a bloody dead pulp, but it did nothing. They had lost their savior priveleges.
3.7 And that, is why all uncyclopedians are sinners, and that is the word of weaselpudge.
Brought to you by:
Chapter IV: Revelations[edit | edit source]
4.1 This is the word of weaselpudge, as given unto the prophet Sir Uncyclopedia years ago.
4.2 Yea, Sir Uncyclopedia did weep in a cave for many days after his exile, his world cast aside, his hoe stolen by that asshole weaselpudge.
4.3 But sitting alone for ten years in that cold cave, eating shrooms and smokin' dat nacka Sir uncyclopedia did experience a great revelation and epiphany, and saw the face of weaselpudge come forth out of the mist, and it blinded him.
4.4 OMFG, I'm blind!!
4.5 "Be grateful, at least you got to see my face. Anyways, I got something to tell you. I've got this scroll, you see. Got all these cool plans for the end of the world, fire and brimstone, you know the deal.
4.6 "Problem is, my dumbass secretary is German or Norwegian, or wherever the Hell he's from-- and I can't understand a word he wrote. I'd smite him but I need him. He does good work actually...Anyways,
4.7 "I've got this lamb, and I know I'm supposed to do something with it, but I can't figure it out. I know you know."
4.8 Have you tried killing it?
4.9 "Damn, why didn't I think of that before I screwed it?"
4.10 And so, weaselpudge killed the helpless lamb, and the passage was translated (it was Dutch actually):
4.11 "Lo, and the first thing thou shall see in the end of days is a great increase in the crap of Uncyclopedia. Grues, Chuck Norris, and Russian Reversal will run amock!
4.12 From the sky it shall rain the work of n00bs, and the admins shall be given no power over the many tongues of Uncyclopedia. And the sea will turn red with the blood of decent writers.
4.13 Next there will come the four horsemen. Twas one horsemen with hair cut like the great King Wilde in mockery, riding a Grue and bringing the curse of Euroipods among the land, and he represented all the overused in-jokes of Uncyclopedia.
4.14 The next horseman was a wizard, and Level 40 Paladin, and he brought the many articles of Runescape, and World of Warcraft, and Final Fantasy, and the fancruft filled the waters with much unfunniness.
4.15 The third horseman brought stubs, horrible and painful stubs that became the lesions upon the flesh. Oh, the humanity!
4.16 But the fourth horseman--the fourth horseman was the worst of all, for random humour followed in his path, and that is when we shall know we are all doomed...but there will be other signs:
4.17 Behold the beast which rises from the sea, with seven heads and ten horns. The seven heads were the evil kings of Uncyclopedia, unto which the evil Wikipedia had given authority to destroy and make unfunny. Two kings had passed, four are, and one is yet to be. The names of the four kings who now exist are too venomous to speak of aloud, but beware, for they are the ultimate evil.
4.18 And the ten horns of the beast, with ten crowns, were the most powerful, but most evil n00bs of Uncyclopedia, who were given authority by the Beast for one hour (UTC).
4.19 Take heed, for the beast had a number, and the number was 1337; and all who did not carry the number were banned and sent to the Kingdom of Wikipedia, where they were eaten promptly by the scorpion locusts of General Abaddon.
4.20 And behold, for there was another: a harlot which sat on the throne of the beast, and committed fornication with the admins of the earth. And she, whose name is unspeakable, would be the mother and bringer of the abominations of Uncyclopedia.
4.21 And the beast will hate the harlot, make her desolate and strip her of her title; and with her destruction will come the rain of judgment from weaselpudge, and Uncyclopedia will be plagued with seven years of fiery Jews falling from the sky, a third of the Users shall be banned.
4.22 Then there will be one more: a false prophet who shall rise from the earth and create articles--miracalous as they seem, they will be articles of vanity and slander (yes, like this one...). And weaselpudge will make them stubs and strike down the false prophet.
4.23 And as Uncyclopedia suffers under the wrath of weaselpudge, an weasel will appear and unchain the four angels bound to the four corners of Uncyclopedia no one ever goes to (Pee Review, Village Dump, Reefer Desk, and UnBooks).
4.24 And the angels will gather an army of 200 million sysops to ban another third of the Users, and with two-thirds of Uncyclopedia destroyed, weaselpudge will come down to fight the final battle, and he shall come in the form of the greatest warrior to ever grace Uncyclopedia: Chuck Norris the Great.
4.25 Then the Beast and his prophet shall amass the armies of Wikipedia. They shall come from all corners of the earth, and speak the many tongues, and travel across vast waters. But so will the humble warriors of Uncyclopedia, guided by the great Chuck Norris.
4.26 And in the final battle, it shall come to pass that Wikipedia will be destroyed, and the Beast shall be conquered by weaselpudge.
4.27 Then all who have ever been true Users of Uncyclopedia will be saved, and the Internet shall be ruled by peace for a thousand years. Whatever happens after that is anybody's guess."
4.28 And so, done reading the scroll, Sir Uncyclopedia and weaselpudge have a cup of tea and discuss what they just read.
4.29 But before he was smited, Sir Uncyclopedia said but one thing: "I like the message and all, but some of the stuff in there was some wacked-up sh--
4.30 And that, brothers of uncyclopedia, is the sacred word of weaselpudge. May weaselpudge spare thee. Amen.
No really, that was some fucked-up shit...
The New Testament brought to you by:
| Versions of the Bible |
Bible ▪ Bible 2 ▪ BIBLE! ▪ Bible Adventures ▪ Communist Bible ▪ New Cooler Edition ▪ Rick James Version ▪ Pudgic Bible ▪ Rapper's Bible ▪ Revised Liberal Edition ▪ Revised Neocon Edition ▪ Satanic Bible ▪ Holey Bible ▪ XBible 360 ▪ Bible 0 |
| Books of the Bible |
Old Testament - Table of Contents ▪ Genesis ▪ Exodus ▪ Leviticus ▪ Numbers ▪ Accordion |
