Phillip Schofield
 | This article may be Overly British |
Phillip Herbet "Pip" Schofield (born 1 April 1962), known to Interpol as The Silver Bastard, is an English broadcaster and television personality, actor, soldier, sailor, candlestick maker and former avid right-wing political activist best known for his work as bass player in Sheffield thrash metal band Paperslave, and more recently for his slightly homoerotic relationship with football manager Sam "Dustbin" Allerdyce. Commented on as the "Nicest Man in the Universe" by stars like George Michael, God and Jonny Rotten, his sudden change to stunning white hair and softly-spoken gentleness in 2003 changed the public's fading attitudes of the star, prompting New Labour to publicly drop all charges of Racially Motivated Assault for fear of losing public support. His band Paperslave split in 2018 when lead singer Vincent Cockroach ordered the band to dress up as old ladies. Schofield was furious and punched Cockroach through the window of The Penny Black pub in Pond Street, Sheffield.
Early life[edit | edit source]
Phillip was born in Lancashire, England on 1st April 1941. A prodigy in pre-school education, he could spell his own name by his second birthday, recite entire Disney film scripts (including stage directions) two months later, and became one of the leading active members of the local "Nazis in Nappies Political Playgroup" at age three. His intelligence reached its peak at six, however, when a drunken night in a toilet left him and three friends sprawled across the handlebars of a four-seated tricycle facing charges of gang rape and speeding in the urinal aisle. Suffering mild brain damage, his jet black hair began to show the earliest signs of ATPW (Adorable TV Presenter Whiteness), a condition that has haunted him and other UK stars like Robert Kilroy-Silk and Des Lynam to this day, most recently attacking Gary Lineker; which makes the victim completely irresistible to all females over 50.
Bullied throughout secondary schooling and further education, Schofield began to blame (some say rightly) Judaism for his plight, and turned his attention to writing his own version of Hitler's "Mein Kampf", entitled "Mein Kampf 2 – a Child Called 'It'". Slated by book critics all over North Humberside (the only town where it was released), Phillip was criticised for "taking the political ideals and passion that made Mein Kampf so popular with fascists and turning it into a horribly gorey story of love set in medieval England with unnecessary and seemingly random appearances of anti-semitic phrases and communist villains; eliminating any kind of political influence and replacing it with Kitten Huffing-fed bull". Knocked back from the publishing world, teenage Phillip tried his hand at acting instead, starring in several school plays and excelling at his previously unexplored, newfound nishe.
Early career[edit | edit source]
Schofield's first big break came on some TV show for kids called Fog Vision broadcast from a warehouse is Streatham on short lived cable channel Poot TV. Schofield's tenure was short lived after he got into a fight with an old man on the set of a segment of the tv show called The Hospital but this did lead he open to various UK jobs, such as presenting Childrens' BBC after Steve The Mac Boy left the slot after five years. He immediately changed the shows name to "Afternoon Oi" but it was changed back to CBBC quickly after it drew complaints from a trail for the show that had shown a little boy coming home from school, bicking his head in the bathroom mirror to skinhead, then walks into a room with a swastika on the wall and turns on CBBC. Schofield said in it's defence "It was my punk statement". The trail was swiftly changed to a little girl swimming in a garden pond with a dog and the words CBBC echoing from a Tannoy out in a high pitched disturbing voice, then the girls mother appears wearing a swimming costume, holding a ladle and a cucumber celtaped to a kettle. The girl looks at her starts saying "Meepo Meepo" then explodes.
He the moved onto Going Live which he presented with Sara Green and puppet Gordon the Gopher. In a 1999 interview Schofield stated that Gordon had original been a wanking glove for him to use in his down time during filming but the puppet had been spotted by the shows producer and was swiftly included in the show. Sometimes semen could be visible in Gordon the Gophers fur. In 1989 Schofield was involved in an accident during a live episode of the show – a man had come to talk about Guns on the show and Schofield had been holding a handgun that was supposed to be deactivated, Schofield accidentally fired the weapon killing three audience members. The show was kept on air and Schofield was arrested live on air. Schofield was later cleared of all charges but the show was cancelled.
Down on his luck, Schofield left his London apartment and moved to Newcastle. Here he began regularly drinking Scotch and playing pool all day in local pubs. He was often found blacked out on the street or sleeping in ditches during the summer months. After an incident involving a handgun and a botched drug deal he moved back up to London. He he tried to kick Heroin but managed to get his addiction down the a manageable level, enough to work again.
In 1993 he landed a job at ITV presenting their new game show Nuisance Calls. The show involved twenty phone operators ringing people up people and businesses they think they would get the most pissed off. The aim of the contestant was to help shout abuse at some of the most irate people and generally slag famous people off and dance. Schofield would shout Spam and the contestant would have to lick him from him nose to his navel without stopping. Sometimes Schofield would wear ties covered with devils witch chili and human excrement.
In 1994 he opened the Channel Tunnel and successfully drove his car from Dover to Paris on the tracks after he was told he could by bystanders. This caused thousands of pounds worth of damage to the track and the points so the Channel Tunnels opening was delayed for two months. He made it to Paris but was arrested for the offence but also for drug possession.
The summer of 1994 raged on with Schofield's clocking up two more arrests – one for possession of handgun without a license, having been caught brandishing it while driving through central London. The other was for assault after Schofield was involved in an brawl during an armed robbery at a Nightclub.
1995 Schofield hit the tabloids after being regularly photographed under the influence at various underground Hardcore Jungle clubs in London. Schofield did an interview with Smash Hits magazine wear he said: "I'm a junkie, I'm a fool, you know I'm a fucking average, you're not just my creator." He then released an album of Hardcore Techno and Jungle entitled Welcome To My Motherfucking Scream Wood III The Bass Max Files Time. It was a minor hit after his single "Cream Butts" became an underground smash. He later retired from music stating "It's fucking bullshit, I'm an artist not a fucking prostitute, fuck this man." He retreated into heroin addiction and was rarely seen apart from occasional appearances in the tabloid press for arrests for theft, drugs or alcohol intoxication. Also the bizarre promotion the sun ran of buying him a new set of teeth in 1999 after most of his had rotted away from drug use.
In 2004 Schofield was offered a presenting job on This Morning, he took it willfully and is still in the Job. Schofield says he prefers to sleep in the day and says he stays up all night before presenting the show but sometimes uses amphetamines to pep him up. The show is famous for his 2007 live heroin overdose whilst presenting a segment on cooking. Schofield had just taken a hit off set when the show returned from the add break. Schofield appears spaced out but then slumps onto the kitchen counter in overdose. Schofield recovered quickly and was back presenting the show the next day. He returned to the show saying he'd kicked heroin and was stupid to do it. This was a lie and Schofield continued his use, often appearing stoned on screen or falling asleep, in the summer months Schofield could usually be caught just before add breaks putting a syringe into his hand with a full hit of heroin in it to do during the add break. In 2010 Schofield admitted on air that he was going to be open about his heroin addiction, claiming that it was like cigarette smoking to him. "I'm fine, I usually do half a gram during This Morning and another one for the rest of the day. This prompted complaints and Schofield was sacked.
He is now presumed missing after sightings ceased.
Later career[edit | edit source]
After Joseph, Schofield was left penniless and jobless by a theatre company that cared more for sell out shows and latest fads than it did greying, handsome, softly spoken actor/TV presenters. He turned to drink, and gained 26 stone in weight. Retaining his hatred for Judaism, he would have week-long parties with Michael Barrymore and George Michael where the morbidly obese Schofield would sit in a chair made purely of homosexual bodybuilders and throw petrol bombs at wicker men with Jewish faces and Rabbi hats that Michael and Barrymore would have made hours earlier at knife point. Slowly, Phillip also slipped into drugs. For three years, he lay in his bed all day taking vast amounts of ecstasy, drinking Herbal Essences shower gel and eating lard. The mixture would leave him in such a euphoric state that he could often be seen rolling down the hills of Lancashire completely naked singing the songs of Joseph to the tunes of nursery rhymes.
Times were hard. With three mortgages paying for lard and gay bodybuilder furniture, rumours of homosexuality, morbid obesity limiting his movement and the continuing trauma of ATPW gripping his life, Schofield turned to a good friend that he had made in his early career: Gordon the Gopher. Philanthropist and lover of Schofield's previous work, the altruistic Gordon lent a hand to Phillip and helped get his life back on track. Through weight loss videos presented by that ugly one from that cruise ship show (yknow, that McDonald bird who can't sing very well and used to sing on the boat documentary then tried to release a single which failed miserably and who can get jobs now only on shows like Loose Women), drug rehabilitation advice from Pete Doherty and through the good example of Scientology (see Bullshit), Schofield lost 27 stone, stopped blaming the Jews and was fitter then ever. He was ready once again for a return to TV.
Now presenting This Morning with the "lovable" Fern Britten who is also a smack head, the two have become a formidable opponent for any morning show, as their on-screen (and undeniably homoerotic) rapport and drug use brings millions of viewers every day. Phillip Schofield, it is said, has never been happier. In an interview with Heat magazine early 2007 he said: "I have never been happier, I can do do smack openly during interviews if I say I hate myself for it. Like smoking to me. Don't see the fucking problem." He is now fully in the clutches of his life-threatening illness, which has made him utterly sickeningly adorable. The pair occasionally live in a house they built out of bricks in a field together but are getting evicted as it's not their land and their drug use is antisocial.
Coping with ATPW[edit | edit source]
Phillip Schofield has been an active campaigner throughout his career for the advancement of research into a cure for Fuck Ache. In his early years regularly funding the Fuck Ache fund, later becoming the face of ATPCure and starting his own charity, Scope-field, he has always lived in hope for a cure one day. His mission statement can be found on the official Phillip Schofield fan club site:
| “ | I will always strive for new ways to release humanity from the grip of a disease which leaves innocent TV Presenters like myself and Robert "Islamophobia" Kilroy-Silk totally irresistible to every human being, with beautiful white locks that shine like God. We will overcome all opposition and before 2010, we WILL find a way out of this delicious little hole. Also, I’m not gay, I’m just lovely. | ” |
His efforts, however, have always faced opposition. Mostly run by sex-starved, lonely housewives who have time to watch This Morning and become sexually stimulated over his whiteness, leagues have been set up to hinder his organisation's attempts to sure the illness. Societies like "ATPW should be TWAT", "I want your Whiteness", "We love ATPW long time" and "In Soviet Russia, ATPW cures YOU!" have held counter events, terrorist campaigns and propaganda against the handsome TV presenter's cause for several years, and have vowed to do it until the handsome virgin gives up his cherry to the horny ladies.
His most recent attempt to cure his ATPW was to sleep with Chris Moyles, but this backfired when several other stars copied him, including his This Morning co-host, Fern Briton.