OS-Tans
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The OS-tans are a team of combat androids who work as mercenaries in Asia and the Western United States.
Ten years ago, a team of combat androids were sent to prison by a military court for a crime they didn't commit. These girls promptly escaped from a maximum security prison to the Asian underground. Today, still wanted by the government, they survive as mercenaries. If you have a problem, if no one else can help, and if you can find them, maybe you can hire the OS-tans.
Creation[edit | edit source]
Troubled Windows was a secret project between the United States, Japan, and Microsoft in the late 1980’s. The goal was to create a team of combat androids who look like teenage girls. The program is shrouded in mystery, and some rumors suggest that the technology was stolen from a crashed alien mothership. They are named after computer operating systems, mainly Windows-based.
After combat trials across the world, they were presented to the Defense Department. However, they were rejected and the program cancelled. Due to a freak programming bug, they then went on a rampage and almost killed 1700 people in Tokyo. It was this incident that got them put in military prison until they escaped in 1995.
Living on the edge of society in Vietnam, they formed Futaba Channel, a covert spy network rumored to be connected to Al Qaeda. It is rumored that several of these assassins post messages here. Photos of the attacks on Tokyo can be found here. A video of the attack can be found here.
Realizing that they needed to get back the OS-tans, the expensive and pointless Department of Homeland Security created Firefox-Kun to find the OS-tans. Currently, Firefox-Kun was seen at the fall of Baghdad, but her location is unknown to this day.
95-tan[edit | edit source]
95-tan is one of the eight Windows OS-tans. She was created out of the successful build of 3.1-tan, despite her turning into liquid shortly after 95-tan's creation. She is specialized in the use of hundreds of weapons. She is 50% samurai, 50% sweet girl, but mostly samurai. Her favorite method of killing is to use a katana to slice her victims to death. The only information about her was a small DUI charge in Los Angeles, but due to the incompetence of the LAPD, her location remains unknown.
ME-tan[edit | edit source]
ME-tan is one of the eight main OS-tans. She was activated in 2000 and was the last non-wapanese OS-tans. She was built as an experiment to see if the ALI-17 Control Module could be used in a smaller, lighter design. The project was a failure, but her combat is deadly. She seems cute and somewhat of a klutz on the outside, but is a vicious killer. She has many methods of killing, but her favorite is to use a leek or crowbar to smash her victims to death. In spite of this, nobody likes her. In 2004, she burned a hole through the earth after an anonymous individual injected Type 2 Diabetes into her knee and fed her a quadrillion calories worth of Marmite. This individual was then praised for finally "getting rid" of ME-tan, but it is still believed that she is wandering the Earth's core.
2000-tan[edit | edit source]
2000-tan, also known as 2k-tan, is one of the eight main OS-tans. She was activated in 2000 (obviously), and was the first OS-tan to use the ALI-17 Control Module, which gives the android almost human tendencies, which she used to create a massive army of weeaboos and simps. She is an assassin, but her services are not limited. Her alias is "The Reliable Woman" and her last whereabouts were in a slum in Shanghai. She uses guns and simps as her main method of killing, but was trained in many methods.
XP-tan[edit | edit source]
XP-tan is one of the main eight main OS-tans. She works best as a seductress, using her large breasts to seduce to politicians and military men. She will kill occasionally, but her attractiveness is better used in other ways. She has a younger brother and sister, Homeo-tan and Homeko-tan. They were designs that were stolen by ME-tan in 2001 from Redmond, Washington. They are part of the OS-tans, but are not part of the core members. Homeo is a young boy, who is also a transvestite, poorly suited to the duties of the OS-tans. Homeko decided to become a hentai artist after being injected with Anime Juice in the foot in 2003. The location of all three models is unknown, but they likely sold their souls to become vtubers.
7-Tan, a.k.a. Madobe Nanami[edit | edit source]
Unlike most other OS-Tans, Nanami was exclusively known for her involvements (or rather, isolation) from the Hellenistic turmoil, unlike most other OS-Tans known for mercenary activities in modern periods. Nanami was a Somatophylax of Alexandros, but in the Battle of Gaugamela (Nanami Madobe presumably have the power to time-travel) commanded the left wing of the pike phalanx, while Alexandros III attacked with the Hetairoi from the right. Nanami was very well-rounded: Nanami wasn't only a general, but also a politician, and even a cook: In fact, the Windows 7 burger was so popular in Iaponia that Nanami wished to implement it on her domain in Karchedon. Although it is rumored that Nanami has a bouncy bust, that is a Japanese lie created by perverts. In reality, Nanami is flat-chested.
In modern times, Nanami served in a shitty commercial and enjoys moving her hand near a glowing rectangle. Despite this, she is awful at building computers and constantly makes giggling noises while watching hentai. Many weirdoes have tried to attract her, but all have failed. She had an attempted assassination in January 2020, which caused many to give her up, although chronic nerds still protect her to this day.
8-Tan[edit | edit source]
8-Tan was similar to Nanami, although with a more "Modern" interface. She lost her whole personality, and could no longer summon an army of simps. Unlike Vista-tan, the Grandfathers were on a vacation playing Cookie Clicker. She was beaten until she almost died, but managed to escape into a phone, which nerds don't have due to never leaving their house. Due to her robotic nature, she never cried or felt sad, so she didn't care. Despite her best efforts, the boomers killed her in July 2019, due to their "Phone Bad" theory.
10-Tan[edit | edit source]
10-tan was the first OS-tan to have its name almost rhyme. People thought that was pretty nice, and as such she was used for streaming music, much of which was garbage. Then she grew to be "hot" (according to the standards of people who have never seen a real woman), leading to more attention. When the dust settled, almost everyone in the world used her.
In 2017, the weebs decided to form a pact and stuff 10-tan full of their files, most of which was games or hentai. This lead to 10-tan getting pregnant eternally, and wearing one of those cringy "maternity" shirts. The perverted OS-tan developers thought this was "hot" or something, and let her roam for 6 years, longer than any other OS-tan. She is currently found in the house of some guy who refuses to let anybody in, but it is assumed that the house is infinite, and OS-tan explores it regularly. Honestly, the writer is just stupid. Whoever wrote this needs to fucking chill out.
11-tan[edit | edit source]
11-tan is the most recent OS-tan. Not much is known about her, other than that she is around 2 years old, and used by absolutely nobody. She lives in some incubation facility, as the OS-tan developers want to let her grow up before she can enter the outside world. Not much is known about her.
Greek truths (and Japanese Lies)[edit | edit source]
Although the official records state that Nanami Madobe is the official mascot for Japanese release of Windows 7, that is an outright lie. Nanami's real name is Peukestas, which isn't surprising since Nanami was one of Alexandros' somatophylakes. Japanese perverts also fabricated information about Nanami's attires, which supposedly were comprised of short skirt, long stockings, brown shoes and a dress derived from school uniform, but it is more likely that Nanami wore linothorax. This makes even more sense since OS-tans are largey military in nature, and school uniform is anything but military. Additionally, Nanami is ILLITERATE IN JAPANESE, since Nanami's official language is Unicode. Surprisingly to the Japanese, Nanami is fluent in Greek, even though Japanese is more widely available in Internet than Greek, a fact that the Hellenes don't really care about.
Others[edit | edit source]
- DOS-tan: The prototype for all the OS-tans. However, she has seen little action and remains part of the OS-tans as a contact somewhere in Hokkaido.
- 3.1-tan: The second prototype for the OS-tans. She saw action during the First Gulf War. Her technology was used in 95-tan. Her current duty is a contact in South California.
- 98-tan: Another OS-tan which is currently not seeing active duty. She is currently working as a contact in Malaysia.
- SE-tan: She is the upgraded of 98-tan. She works in torture, using her favorite method, using a can opener to cut off the penises of her male victims.
- Vista-tan: Only notable for how hated she is. Nerds and weeaboos find her very ugly, although she has an army of grandfathers defending her for seemingly no reason. She has retreated to a landfill and feeds off of thrown out computers.
- 8.1-tan: A makeshift attempt to create a new OS-tan due to 8's escape and Nanami's uselessness. She regained her personality, but was still somewhat hated. She managed to recruit an army of Boomers from across the world to defend her, and is still alive today, despite nobody caring about her.
- Uncyclo-tan: She was hired by the OS-tans for undercover work. When it was discovered she was nothing more than Oscar Wilde wearing a schoolgirl uniform, she was booted from the team. She is currently employed by Uncyclopedia, and works as its mascot and guardian.
- Wikipe-tan: She was another creation of the OS-tans. She was stolen by Jimbo Wales, intended to destroy Uncyclo-tan. Catfights are often between the two, and usually do not end well. She is no longer a member of the OS-tans.