Minecraft mobs

A screenshot from Minecraft.

This article is about the mobs that jumpscare you in the popular video game Minecraft. Minecraft has an overpopulation of these creatures, hence, the creation of their own article which you are currently reading - as otherwise the Minecraft article would be 90% about the mobs and 10% about the rest of the blocky bullshit. Like seriously, trees don't just float like that, and water isn't infinite.

Passive mobs

Farm animals

Farm animals in Minecraft are everywhere they shouldn't be. Forests, jungles, tundras. Otherwise, they are just animals.

Normal everyday animals

Behind every corner (which there are a lot) in Minecraft there's always lurking a normal everyday animal one could find from their backyard such as an ocelot, an axolotl or possibly a polar bear. These animals most often do nothing useful and are there just for the aesthetics, and to have Minecraft feel more like home. A strong correlation between players of Minecraft and individuals who exhibit a foul-smelling odor reminiscent of animals has been documented in recent years, and so this is justified.

Hostile mobs

Zombies

There are too many zombies in Minecraft. There's of course the normal zombie we all know and love. And when it goes underwater for a longer than healthy amount of time, it drowns and gains the incredibly creative name Drowned. There's also the husk, which upon touching you, makes you hungry. And the Jewish zombie, also known as the zombie villager. Why is it Jewish? We'll elaborate upon that in due course. And of course - the zombie pigman, which any sane person refuses to call zombified piglin. And also the zombie hoglin who attacks anyone it sees, just like you when the WiFi goes out.

Skeletons and Spiders

Spiders are not included in the everyday animal segment, as the species used here are the Australian mega tarantula and the poisonous Australian mega tarantula, which for sure don't count as everyday animals. The skeletons are skeletons of humans of all kinds. There's the European, it has a bow and shoots arrows at you. The homeless, that is the same as the European, but has a cloth on and slows you down by begging for extra cash. And of course there's the African. What? And the horse rider who is a skeleton riding a skeleton. Speaking of riding, sometimes the skeletons are "having fun" with the spiders. Considering that this game is Swedish, it's no surprise they included bestiality.

Green Penis

The Green Penis, also known as the Creeper - is an accurate representation of Minecraft creator's Notch's penis. The size is about right, the color matches, it has the same amount of testicles (note: four) and blasts easily. These guys also represent the average encounter with a Swedish person. They sneak up behind you, hiss and blast all over the place.

The Enderman

The Enderman (also known as something I can't say due to the place and time of my birth) is tall, has a habit of stealing and possibly due to years of practice can dodge every projectile shot by a man in blue clothing. If you stare at it for too long it gets mad, because it thinks you're racist, but if you avoid eye contact it also thinks you're racist.

The Ender Dragon

Despite many allegations, the Ender Dragon says it's straight and not racist, but the moment a white person steps in its lair of only it and black men, it tries its hardest to end their life.

The rest of the End Mobs

Yippee, how exciting, a cube in Minecraft. Also, there's a parasite called the Endermite, that serves no other purpose than to annoy the player.

American

The mobs of Minecraft lurk in these three dimensions. They are known as Over the world, Holland and Ned (Flanders)

Americans are annoying and loud tourists in the beautiful country of Netherlands. They are big white crybabies that start fire at anyhing, even a slight bit foreign to them, such as a buff Swedish man, who did nothing wrong.

The Dutch

They are violent pigs who love gold that live in the Netherlands.

Blaze and Breeze

Blaze and Breeze is a street food place in Seoul, South Korea. They may or may not be constructs created by the ancients.

Infected Cow

This is something ripped straight out of the last of us. It's a cow taken over by a fungal mass. Wherever it goes it turns the grass grey and Lord protect whoever goes there afterwards.

The Creaking

The Creaking is a tree that moves at you when you don't look and stays still when you look at it. A totally original idea, not even close to the weeping angels from Doctor Who or the Boos from Super Mario.

Other bosses

The Ender Dragon may be the main boss of Minecraft, however that doesn't mean there aren't any other bosses in the game. There's the Wither, a flying creature that blows stuff up, the Elder Guardian that - along with a bunch of normal guardians - guard four gold blocks and some sponges in an underwater temple. What the fuck is this game?! And last but not least, the Warden. It's a blind person you wake up by going in and looting its home. I'm starting to think the Americans are right for shooting this Steve guy.

Jews and Nazis

The Nazis seem to hate Jews a lot. These grey people hate and kill the big nosed merchants for being rich. Their leader was rejected by the Jews and so decided to start hating on them and killing them for fun. They also have imprisoned the Allays and the Mossad members who protect the Jews just to turn them into new creatures via scientific experiments. There's also the smelly loner known as the Witch, but we don't talk about her.

The Slimes

The Slimes are slimey cubes that split in half every time you kill one. The normal ones are easily defeated with a Kleenex, but for the magma cubes, you just need to kill them, like you do to everyone every time the WiFi runs out.

The Shit Pile

This is a category of mobs deemed as shit. It includes the Phantom, the Glow Squid, the Allay, the Sniffer and the Armadillo. These guys have no place in the game and are clearly just filler mobs.