HowTo:Make a Pizza

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New Yorkers and Chicagoans cannot agree on the crust, nor can anyone agree on the toppings.

Oscar Wilde

Making a Pizza is not one of difficult task. But what most people assume, they think they're doing it right. There's a certain, delicious way to make a pizza. If you're new here to Uncyclopedia, then you must know we are experts at being fat, lazy, and attention seeking. We are always right.

The main factor of making a pizza is knowing which kind you want. If you want to be a hardcore Miserable Son of a Bitch, then New York pizza is your choice. If you want to be a lesser version of Miserable Son of a Bitch and still want to practice being a transsexual at night, you're a Chicago pizza making punk.

Now get your fucking apron and cook.


God made the entire world out of goldfish crackers and jelly beans. You might need a few things to make this pizzashit.

  • Dough: The main ingredient, or "the jock", if you will.
  • Cheese: Don't have any? Get off of my page.
  • Pepperoni: The zest to our pizza. If you're a vegetarian, either become a corpsearian, or get off of my page.
  • Sauce: I don't care where you get it, just make sure it's tomato or barbecue sauce. If it's neither, get off my page.
  • Bacon: This is optional, but preferred if you're using BBQ Sauce. Bacon will make anything good. Well, not everything...
You got your shit ready? Good! Let's go!

Step 1: Throw that Dough til it can't take it no mo'[edit]

Time to get ridiculously photogenic. Get a camera and your girlfriend. If you don't have a girlfriend, use your hand. If you don't have a hand, get off of my page. I'm not doing this all day. Now, throw the dough high up into the air. If it falls onto your face, that means you're doing a good job. If you're making a Chicago, repeat 6 more times and stack them all up.

Flatten the dough into a circle. Yes. A circle. Don't cry about it. Make sure the counter is clear of all insects, bacteria, and small children. Now you're ready to fatten this thing up.

Warning: High fiving your friend while tossing up the dough can cause serious injury and death.

Step 2: Bossing the Saucing[edit]

You can finally take out the can of tomato sauce in the back of the cabinet. Just make sure no dust gets onto the final product. Pour the entire can onto to the circle. If you don't have circle, stop being an asshole, and please go back up to the second paragraph of step one. If you're making a New York pizza, make sure the dough is not visible. Smother the sauce all over that thing. Mmm, yeah. Smother that reeeeal good.

Step 3: Insert Cheesy Joke Here[edit]

Get out every fucking piece of cheese you have. Mozzarella, Parmesan, Cheddar, sliced American, String Cheese. Hell, scrape the blue cheese off your leftover hamburger from last week. The more, the better!

Now you have all of your cheese. Good. Now crumble it all together and sprinkle it onto the sauce. If you're making a New York, I shouldn't see that sauce ANYWHERE. People should look at it and say, "Wow! That's a nice cheese you got there!". I don't care how you do it. A spoon. A fork. Your fingers. A bulldozer. Batman. Just make sure it gets on the pizza.

Step 4: To Top it off[edit]

Get your bacon and pepperoni, scoundrel. It's time to make this thing Jesus's lover. Chicago or New York, we're making this shit American as possible. Roll the salami into bacon strips, laughing evilly while doing it. Stack 'em high until it's taller than you.

You CAN do this, but who has time for it?

Great! Now let's get to baking!

Step 5: Put in the Oven and Call Yourself a Faggot[edit]

Now it's time to wait. Nuke that shit in the oven (or, if you wanna be difficult, the Microwave) for 30 minutes. The temperature should be as high as possible just because you can. So, while you're here, let's talk. How are the kids? Don't have any? Okay... How about the wife? Oh, you got divorced last week... Hey! The pizza's ready!

Okay, now grab the nearest toddler and let it cut the pizza into twelfths. Congratulations! You just made a fattening pizza! Take a picture of it, put it on Facebook, get called a queer, and live a miserable and lonely life eating your over sized pizza. Good job amigo!