Uncyclopedia:General disclaimer
It has wide acceptance among editors and is considered a standard that everyone should follow, unless they don't want to, in which case they are free to ignore it, in which case nobody will care. Please make use of the standing on one knee position to propose to this policy.
When reading Uncyclopedia, do so in a well-lit room, and do not sit too close to the TV. We are absolutely not accountable for your actions, especially if you try to use this information in a dark room. Consult a doctor if reading while pregnant, diabetic, or hypersensitive to penicillin or humor (though humour is considered less harmful). Do not pass Go. Do not pass wind. Do not collect $200. Void where prohibited. Where there is smoke there is fire – run! Swimming is the best form of exercise. Don't swim with the sharks. Batteries not included. May require additional lubricant. Do not fold, spindle or mutilate. Call your mother, she's worried about you; comb your hair and polish your shoes. Close cover before striking. Game pieces do not actually talk. May cause irritation.
Uncyclopedia is meant for educational purposes only; as verified by Ivy League and OxBridge freshmen's bar universities. Any resemblance to real persons living or dead (or any other herewith undocumented state) is purely coincidental. Some assembly required. Keep glue away from nostrils, fingers, and other body parts. List each check separately by bank number, after adding extra zeroes. Contents may settle during shipment. Use only as directed. No other warranty expressed or implied. Do not use while operating a motor vehicle or heavy equipment. Postage will be paid by addressee. Subject to CAB approval. This is not an offer to sell securities. Apply only to affected area. May be too intense for some viewers. Do not stamp (or kick, or punch). Use other side for additional listings. For recreational use only. Do not disturb. All models over 18 years of age. If condition persists, consult your physician. Approach only from the front. Wave before leaving.
No user-serviceable parts inside
Freshest if eaten before date on carton. Subject to change without notice. Times approximate. Run-on likely. Run-off possible. Run-out unlucky. Run-over permanent. Simulated picture. No postage necessary if mailed in the United States. Breaking seal constitutes acceptance of agreement. For off-road use only. As seen on TV. One size fits all. Many suitcases look alike. Contains a substantial amount of non-tobacco ingredients. Wrinkles may reduce desirability. Hair optional. Teeth or affidavit from owner required. Colors may, in time, fade. Love WILL fade. Motility will reduce with age. Vision may be affected. We have sent the forms which seem right for you. Slippery when wet. For office use only. Not affiliated with the American Red Cross. Approved by the American Humane Society. Keep CocoPops dry, they become soggy when wet.
Drop in any mailbox (be careful of femailbox). Edited for television. Keep cool. Process promptly. Post office will not deliver without postage. List was current at time of printing. Card is for lawful purposes only. Don't steal music. Return to sender, no forwarding order on file, unable to forward. Not responsible for direct, indirect, incidental, or consequential damages resulting from any defect, error, or failure to perform. At participating locations only. Not the Beatles. Penalty for private use. See label for sequence.
Do not write below this line
Falling rock. Lost ticket pays maximum rate. Your cancelled check is your receipt. Add toner. Wash hands before use. Moisten before use. Place stamp here. Avoid contact with skin. Sanitized for your protection. Be sure each item is properly endorsed. Sign here without admitting guilt. Slightly higher west of the Mississippi. Employees and their whores families are not eligible. Beware of dog. Stroke the cat (but not the pussy). Eat the hamster. Contestants have been briefed on some questions before the show. Limited time offer, call now to ensure prompt delivery. You must be present to win. No passes accepted for this engagement. No purchase necessary. Processed at location stamped in code at top of carton. Shading within a garment may occur. Use only in a well-ventilated area. Keep away from fire or flames. Replace with same type. Approved for veterans. Booths for two or more. Check here if tax deductible. Some equipment shown is optional. Price does not include taxes (nor hookers). No Canadian coins. Pre-recorded for this time zone. Reproduction strictly prohibited. No solicitors. No alcohol, dogs or horses. May contain nuts. No anchovies unless otherwise specified. Restaurant package, not for resale. List at least two alternate dates. First pull up, then pull down. Call toll free before digging (but not dogging). Driver does not carry cash. Some of the trademarks mentioned in this product appear for identification purposes only. Record additional transactions on back of previous stub. Fictionalization. Do not attempt. Seriously, cars cannot fly. Your grandma used to be sexy.
Unix is a registered trademark of AT&T
No transfers issued until the bus comes to a complete stop. Package sold by weight, not volume. Your mileage may vary (kilometres not included). This article does not reflect the thoughts or opinions of either myself, my company, my friends, or my cat. Don't quote me on that. Don't quote me on anything. Don't be a dick. All rights reserved. All wrongs reversed. Terms are subject to change without notice. Illustrations are slightly enlarged to show detail. Do not remove this disclaimer under penalty of law. Hand wash only, tumble dry on low heat. No substitutions allowed. For a limited time only. This article is void where prohibited, taxed, or otherwise restricted. Prohibited on Alaskan Airlines. You may not actually edit Uncyclopedia. Caveat emptor. Fill when necessary. Article is provided "as is" without any warranties, express or implied. Reader assumes full responsibility. An equal opportunity article. No shoes, no shirt, no articles. Quantities are limited while supplies last. If any defects are discovered, do not attempt to read them yourself, but return to an authorized service center. Read at your own risk. Parental advisory – explicit lyrics. Keep away from sunlight. Keep away from pets. Limit one-per-family please. No money down. No purchase necessary. You need not be present to win. Free condoms only whilst stocks last; otherwise, buy one to stop one, buy two and be one jump ahead.
Some assembly required
Instructions are included. Common sense is optional. Action figures sold separately. No preservatives added. Safety goggles may be required during use. Sealed for your protection, do not read if safety seal is broken. Not liable for damages arising from use or misuse. For external use only. If rash, irritation, redness, or swelling develops, discontinue reading. Read only with proper lighting and ventilation. Avoid extreme temperatures, store in a cool dry place, away from children, kittens, and sharks. Keep away from open flames. Avoid contact with eyes and skin and avoid inhaling fumes. Do not puncture, incinerate, or store above 120 degrees Fahrenheit. Do not place near a flammable or magnetic source. Smoking this article could be hazardous to your health. The best safeguard, second only to abstinence, is the use of a condom. No salt, MSG, artificial color or flavoring added. If ingested, do not induce vomiting, and if symptoms persist, consult a physician. Warning: pregnant women, the elderly, and children should avoid prolonged exposure to Happy Fun Ball. Sleep may be required. Toilet breaks optional.
Caution
Happy Fun Ball may suddenly accelerate to dangerous speeds. Happy Fun Ball contains a liquid core, which if exposed due to rupture should not be touched, inhaled, or looked at. Do not use Happy Fun Ball on concrete or alligators. Discontinue use of Happy Fun Ball if any of the following occurs: itching, vertigo, dizziness, tingling in extremities, loss of balance or coordination, slurred speech, temporary blindness, profuse sweating, heart palpitations, or death. You will die. One day. Honestly!
If Happy Fun Ball begins to smoke, warn it about lung cancer, then get away immediately. Seek shelter and cover head (kissing ass goodbye optional). Happy Fun Ball may stick to certain types of skin. When not in use, Happy Fun Ball should be returned to its special container and kept under refrigeration. Failure to do so relieves the makers of Happy Fun Ball, Wacky Products Incorporated, and its parent company, Global Chemical Unlimited, of any and all liability. Ingredients of Happy Fun Ball include an unknown glowing substance which fell to Earth, presumably from outer space. Happy Fun Ball has been shipped to our troops in Saudi Arabia, and is also being dropped by our war planes on Iraq. Saddam Hussein ate them for breakfast, George W Bush ate them with afternoon tea. Do not taunt Happy Fun Ball. May cause any of the aforementioned effects and / or death. Articles are ribbed for your pleasure. Wash after use.
Penalty for early withdrawal
Reduced likelihood of pregnancy. Rear entry may prevent pregnancy. Unsolicited rear entry may cause shock. Rear entry without preparation may result in friction burns. Forced rear entry may result in prosecution. May become messy. May still get infected. Droops when old. Offer valid only at participating sites. Price slightly higher west of the Rockies. Allow four to six weeks for delivery (40 weeks in unlucky circumstances). Must be 18 to read. Disclaimer does not cover misuse, accident, lightning, flood, tornado, tsunami, volcanic eruption, earthquake, hurricanes and other Acts of God, wars, stupidity, neglect, damage from improper reading, incorrect line voltage, reversed polarity, improper or unauthorized reading, broken antenna or marred cabinet, missing or altered serial numbers, electromagnetic radiation from nuclear blasts, sonic boom vibrations, eggy farts, customer adjustments that are not covered in this list, and incidents owing to an airplane crash, ship sinking or taking on water, motor vehicle crashing, dropping the item, falling rocks, leaky roof, broken glass, mud slides, forest fire, or projectile (which can include, but not be limited to, arrows, bullets, shot, BB's, shrapnel, lasers, napalm, torpedoes, or emissions of X-rays, Alpha, Beta and Gamma rays, knives, stones, poop, etc.). Some cars not for use with some sets. Objects appear smaller in mirrors. No smoking (unless from friction). Please return seats and tray tables to their upright and locked positions. Please fly again with Uncyclopedia.
Other restrictions may apply. This supersedes all previous notice.
Finally
If you're easily offended, go elsewhere – it'll be healthier with fewer nastygrams.