False teeth

All yours my dear.

False teeth, also know as "dentures", "falsers" or "fake-o-chews", are a set of artificial teeth fitted when the patient has lost all their real teeth. After getting hit in the face with a sledgehammer, for example. Or eating a crate of skittles washed down with lemon juice. By having false teeth fitted, patients can enjoy improved masticatory experiences, as well as looking, feeling and being sexier. People with false teeth are more likely to run carefree along beaches with their lovers, reveling in the joys of life.

History

False teeth have a long and glorious history, complete with battles, assassinations, revolutions and new types of false teeth. Julius Caesar credited his many military victories to his set of faux pearly twinklers, saying "They are my advisor, mentor and closest friend." Indeed, the night when he was assassinated, it took four praetorian guards to subdue his false teeth, which fought bravely in defense of their master.

Karl Marx said "The history of all hitherto existing societies is the history of false teeth".

Problems associated with false teeth

Come on baby sex me up.

• Being too goddamned sexy for your own good - having false teeth is an instant sex booster for anyone, increasing their sex appeal by several orders of magnitude. But when the patient is already sexy to begin with, the effects of false teeth can be disastrous. The sheer level of sex energy can cause windows to smash, tires to burst and household appliances to melt. Controversial denturist historian, Max Mandibular, has suggested that the so-called eruption of Krakatoa in 1883 was down to naive islanders scavenging from a wrecked false teeth steamer, in effect creating a 'sex-bomb' of biblical proportions.

• Showing up the neighbors — obviously, it's fun to show up the neighbors from time to time. But denture-wearers run the risk of turning the folk from next door in homicidal maniacs driven mad by jealousy — so mad, in fact, that the sex powers might not work. This is still not too much of a problem, since false teeth are associated with fantastic martial art skills.

• Overly aggressive home defense - false teeth are noted for their devotion, and will fiercely defend their owner's house. This can be a double-edged sword, as the false teeth may attack a perfectly innocent caller or passer-by. This can be solved by keeping them in a secure enclosure when not in use.

• Excessive mastication - false teeth greatly improve sensation during mastication, resulting in a longer and more pleasurable experience. Doctors and dentists generally agree that a modest level of mastication is not harmful. But there is a risk that the wearer may become addicted to mastication. If you find yourself missing work or ignoring friends and family in order to spend time masticating, it may be that you have a problem.

Injuries that occur when using false teeth

Injuries that commonly occur when using false teeth are stated below:

1. A fairly uncommon injury is when false teeth are used as ... well, teeth and the user of them is working on a high building. After the teeth fall out there is no stopping them from reaching terminal velocity, therefore once the teeth are taken to a passer-by's head they are embedded into the brain and leak out there neurotoxins, killing the victim instantly.
2. A somewhat common injury is when false teeth are used as groin protectors in a cricket match, particularly when the teeth are placed in a biting position over the abdominal (groin) area *wink wink*.
3. The most common injury occurring with false teeth is when a blind man finds them on the street and mistakes them for toilet paper ... you get the idea.

See also

• Dentist
• Old people