Dafydd Bond Films
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 | This article may be Overly British |
“The name's Bond, Dafydd Bond cracks me up all the time!”
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| Taglines: |
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| Writer | Mr. Bean | |||
| Starring |
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| Producer | Jesus Christ | |||
| Director | Roy Chubby Brown | |||
| Runtime | 180 Minutes (3 films) | |||
| Language | English, Welsh | |||
| Distributed by | (Goldenpussy & Moonraper) Shite Productions (Dr. No Don't Touch Me There & License To Say Never) Tits And Ass Productions | |||
| Released | Goldenpussy - 1975 Moonraper - 1995 Dr No. Don't Touch Me There - 2008 Licence to Say Never | |||
The Dafydd Bond films are a very successful series of films based on a Welsh Spy (no imitations whatsoever) and include the characters of Mmmmmm...., Miss Moneyfanny and Snooker Q.
| Film Title | Year of Release | Budget | Box Office Profit | Short Summary |
|---|---|---|---|---|
| Dr. No Don’t Touch Me There | 1962 | £1.50 | Millions | Bond is captured by Dr. No who wants to rape Bond but when he finds out Bond has no balls (literally) he let's him go but he doesn't get away scot free he has his penis chopped off by the doctor. |
| She Thrush With Love | 1963 | £2.00 | £18,000,000 | Unknown. |
| Coldfinger | 1964 | £10.98 | £125,000,000 | Unknown. |
| Swollen Balls | 1965 | £126 | £198,000,000 | Dafydd is kicked in the balls while the villain tries to make his escape. |
| You Only Get Laid Twice | 1967 | £1300 | £20,000,000 | Unknown. |
| On Her Majesty’s Secret Cervix | 1969 | £4000 | £61,000,000 | MI6 discover that there is a plot to kidnap the queen so Dafydd is spent to protect her, only to discover he may have met his true love... |
| Dafydd In The Heather | 1971 | £18,000 | £16,000,000 | Dafydd makes out with a woman named Heather, which gives his arch enemy free reign to take over Las Vegas and launche a diamond encrusted satellite. |
| Lick And Let Her Cry | 1973 | £25,000 | £125,000,000 | Unknown. |
| The Man With The Golden Thunderballs | 1974 | £126,000 | £15,000,000 | A secret organisation steals a suicide bombers rucksack which they will detonate in a major city across the world unless the wealthiest man in the world hands over his golden balls...Dafydd is assigned to the case! |
| The Spy Who Got Anally Raped By Ernest Jawdick Blowjob | 1977 | £150,000 | £126,000,000 | All that is known of this movie is that Ernest Jawdick Blowjob will appear and that Dafydd will end up losing his nose, rectum, and face. |
| Moonraper | 1979 | £226,000 | £19,000,001 | Bond has to stop another evil man from trying to fulfill his lifelong dream of raping the Moon while trying to pay off his student loan he succeeds in stopping him but because of a knife blow to the genitalia he has to have his second bollock removed |
| For Your Thighs Only | 1981 | £145,000 | £129,000,000 | Dafydd has to protect a woman’s legs from an international criminal organisation. |
| Hairypussy | 1983 | £130,000 | £145,000,000 | Dafydd gets more than he bargained for when he goes undercover to protect a woman from a smuggling racket. |
| A Few On The Pill | 1985 | £1,000,000 | £130,000,000 | Dafydd discovers plans to detonate a bomb in vicinity of a contraception-making factory which will leave all his lovers with no contraceptive pills. Can Dafydd save the day? |
| The Live Rapelights | 1987 | £26,000 | £34,000,000 | Unknown. |
| License To Say Never | 1989 | £88,000 | £165,000,000 | Bond is about to get promoted to getting a license to say never to Mmmmm..... whenever he wants but is called on an emergency mission to stop an evil man trying to infiltrate MI-20 headquarters, he succeeds but has a bazooka bomb fired at his left arse cheek by one of his henchmen and his arse cheek has to be removed |
| Goldenpussy | 1995 | £126,000 | £15,000,000 | Bond must stop an evil man who is trying to take over the world. The man has a goldenpussy which he likes to stroke quite often. Bond succeeds but has to have a bollock removed because of a dodgy laser experiment. |
| Tracy Never Cries | 1997 | £500,000 | £786,000,000 | Unknown. |
| The Womb Is Not Enough | 1999 | £226,000 | £19,000,001 | Unknown. |
| Die Another Gay | 2002 | £999,000,000 | £10.95 | Bond travels to the 60's where Winston Church-Hitler (The spawn of Winston and Adolf) makes all the women have moustaches and grow arm pit hair!, So that in his words the world would have a better future. |
| Cassie’s Boil | 2006 | 123,000,000 | £180,000,000 | While working undercover at a Las Vagas Casino to stop terrorists using their winnings to bankroll attacks, Dafydd gets laid with a waitress who it turns out is suffering from Genital Boils. |
| Quantum Of Orifice | 2008 | £36,000,000 | £98.50 | Dafydd spend the entire film trying to track down the mysterious organisation Quantum who raped and murdered his wife and violated one of his personal orifices. |
Below is the cast member listing of the respectable films.[edit | edit source]
Primary Cast & Box Office Receipts[edit | edit source]
The cast for License was revealed on the 6th January 2009.
| Golden | Moonraper | Dr. No | Licence | |
| Dafydd Bond Huw Ceredig |
X | X | X | X |
| Mmmmmm.... Judi Dench |
X | X | X | X |
| Miss Moneyfanny Billie Piper |
X | X | X | X |
| Snooker Q Robert De Niro |
X | X | X | X |
| Mr. Jones (The Evil Man) Alan Carr |
X | |||
| Mr. Llewelyn (The Moonraper) Graham Norton |
X | |||
| Dr. No (The gay evil one) Kenneth Williams |
X | |||
| Dr. No Jr. (The gay evil son) Tom Cruise |
X | |||
| Dafydd Bond's Wife Ruth Madoc |
X | X | ||
| Pamela Anderson | X | |||
| Heather Mills McCuntney | X | |||
| Budget | £26,000 | £16,000 | £6,000 | £600 |
| Welsh B.O. | £200,000 | £220,000 | £1,604,947 | £4,647,321 |
| UK B.O. | £175,000 | £200,000 | £1,580,999 | £2,649,358 |
| American B.O. | £299.99 | £An Insult | £684,586 | £287.34 |
Secondary Cast[edit | edit source]
Goldenpussy[edit | edit source]
- Agent 004 - Bruce Forsyth
- Young Agent 004 - Henry VIII
Moonraper[edit | edit source]
- Franny G. Rape - Meg Griffin
- Agent 002.6 - Terry Wogan
- Agent 002.7 - Mr. Bean
- Agent 002.8 - Eminem
- Richard Branson - Dick Branssonn
Dr. No Don't Touch Me There[edit | edit source]
- Agent 018 - Margaret Thatcher
- Agent 018's Bitch - David Cameron
- Shit Millennium Stadium Singer - Charlotte Church
License To Say Never[edit | edit source]
The cast for this film was revealed on the 6th January 2009:
- Agent 001 - Tom Jones
- Love Mistress - Mary Whitehouse
- Sidney Poker - Gordon Brown
- Dafydd Bond's Child - Bernard Manning (Cameo)
- Clitoris Speaker - Kelsey Grammar (Cameo)
Critical Reception[edit | edit source]
These are the accolades received for each film:
Goldenpussy[edit | edit source]
“What a pile of steaming horse shit. Iv'e seen better f*cking acting from a retarded Tom Cruise!”
“Not enough sex scenes for my liking!”
Moonraper[edit | edit source]
“What the f*ck!! a sequel!”
“I got a bit aroused but I'm still not satisfied, the rape scenes were brilliant!”
Dr. No Don't Touch Me There[edit | edit source]
“*NO ACTIONS* Roger has a Heart Attack”
“Very sexy film Huw Ceredig's Welsh accent just gives me the horn every time I watch it!”
License To Say Never[edit | edit source]
“*NO VOICES* Shhh can you hear the wood on his coffin being shook”
“I'm in it YES! now I've got something to watch with my pussy we'll enjoy it!”
“I think it will be a vewy good movie I weckon that the casting of Mawy Whitehouse was a weally good choice”
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This article is part of UnfilM The preferred oeuvre of Drive-Ins everywhere. |