Charlotte Church
Charlotte Church is the most famous example of Wales' main export, fat slags. Since the demise of the coal industry, Wales has been polluting the rest of the UK with such specimens. Early in her career she was known as "the voice of an angel". Today she is known as "the mouth of the devil".
Early Life and Career[edit | edit source]
Charlotte Church was born in Cardiff, which is in Wales, in 1986 and shortly thereafter was discovered to be a musical prodigy. When the other newborns in the hospital (which was in Wales) cried she would always harmonise with them perfectly. She also kept perfect time on her rattle. By the time she started primary school, she had already recorded a highly successful remix of Baa Baa Black Sheep (Have you any wool?) and had defeated both MC Hammer and Will Smith in a rap battle. She then decided to apply her skills to classical music and trained extensively at her school choir, which was in Wales.
Charlotte's first exposure to the British public came when, aged 11, she phoned in to This Morning and sang a song off a recent advert for Guinness to Richard & Judy. This was followed by performances on various ITV talent shows, singing a range of songs including one off a Stella Artois advert and the 1664 symphony (the one that was unfinished, due to it being such a great year for beer).
Within a year Charlotte had secured a massive recording contract and had a huge hit with that song about Jesus and pie. Her album, Voice of A Welsh Angel, sold over 200 copies in Wales, outselling U2, Oasis, Madonna and Boyz II Men combined, making it the best-selling album in the history of Wales. Amongst her huge fanbase were many famous people, and she was invited to perform for Pope John Paul II, Bill Clinton and Jade Goody, none of whom is Welsh.
Later Career[edit | edit source]
At the age of 16, Church decided to stop singing classical music. This was partly because she wanted to move into pop music and partly due to boredom, but the main reason was that she was just too drunk. This period in Charlotte's life was dominated by her one woman campaign to promote the dangers of binge drinking. "I think binge drinking is very very dangerous, y'know," said Church, "but I think the really important point that most people overlook is the fact that I'm far too pissed to give a fuck."
In 2005, something amazing happened. She woke up sober. She was shocked to find that she was in the bedroom of a chavvy wannabe DJ who wasn't Eminem, as she had previously been led to believe. But at least he was Welsh. Church broke up with him and vowed to clean up her act. She would now be sober for at least one day a month. It was on one such day that she recorded her first pop album. For any other artist, such a rushed release would be of inferior quality, but being the premier singer/songwriter of her generation, the record was a resounding success.
Tissues and Alcohol Issues went on to be the best selling album ever and Church overtook funny accents and alarmed sheep as Wales' biggest export. The first single, Crazy Fucking Bitch, was number one in every country in the world. It is also the Queen's favourite song and according to rumours, looks set to replace God Save The Queen as Britain's national anthem.
Church also released the song 'Call My Name' with the video featuring her in a really fucking tight corset and dancing and jigging her boobies. Phwoar that is niiiiice! Youtube it for a good time. At 1:58 into the video, there's an instance where Church looks a whole fucking lot like Lindsay Lohan. While this may be advocated as true, it's just wishful thinking because Lohan is a total bitch and Church is an absolute goddess! No denying that, mothafuckahs!
At the end of 2005, Church had a new boyfriend, Gavin Henson. He plays rugby for Wales and sticks his hair up with lots of gel, so he's perfect. Church sent Henson a picture of herself topless, Henson lost his phone after several unrelated incidents involving mushrooms, the phone was found by a group of male Smurfs who, after a communal wank, posted it online.
Lung Capacity[edit | edit source]
Charlotte Church has the biggest pair of lungs in Wales and therefore the world. She recently proved this fact by going head to head with Tom Jones in a balloon inflating challenge and winning. The resulting balloons can be seen from space. Some say that Shirley Bassey could beat her lung capacity when in her prime, but much like when discussing whether Muhammad Ali would beat Lennox Lewis, it is impossible to know for sure, as modern balloon technology was not available for Bassey.
Church's massive tits of respiration have often posed a problem over the years. She has never eaten cake on her birthday, as she always sends the cake flying when blowing out the candles. In an attempt to enjoy her cake, Church took up smoking, but her lungs are far too powerful. They cannot be stopped. However, there are some advantages to having such a cavernous chest. Her ability to hold her breath under water enables her to drink like a fish, a talent that has been often exhibited while on tour in Ibiza.