Alan Carr
“I kept getting mistaken for Alan Carr, so what I did was I stopped sucking men off.”
“Mum, he's taking the piss out of me. MUM!!!”
“Who?”
“Friday is the day to take a Barclays Bank, if you know what I mean.”
Alan Carr (born Alan Carpet) is a comedian whose routine is based upon that of John Inman, a bin, a urine sodden carpet and Bugs Bunny's younger brother, Julius. Elements of a routine include making snide, superior comments and then rolling his eyes at his uncle (and hairstylist), Justin Lee Collins.
Alan Carr's Early Life[edit | edit source]
Forced into exile by Carol Vorderman's Russia because he couldn't add up, Carr came to Britain in 1978 looking for a new life. Here, he discovered Carry On Films, homosexuality and Justin Lee Collins in one notorious evening. Carr adopted Collins as his pet dog, and adorned him with a lead and a saddle. They lived outside of the local Kwik Save until its recent demise, existing on 9p Swiss rolls and the rainwater gathered in the bit in a shopping trolley where children sit.
He is the "poster boy" for gay people in parts of the Greater London Area.
Television[edit | edit source]
Carr got his big break on the famous 'sports' related television show, Big Break, where he got into a fist fight with host Jim Davidson because he wasn't wearing a 'no-dad' waistcoat, based on the fact that Carr thought it made his moobs look big.
In 2006, he and entertainer Lionel Blair saved the life of a man who was about to 'commit suicide' by jumping off Blackpool Pier, when Blair noticed the man was clinging onto the pier by his fingertips. The man had noticed they were making the world's most irritating, innuendo filled piece of crap for ITV, and realised that he must escape the world before this piece of tripe entered it. He tried to jump off the pier to set up home under the sea, but alas, was 'saved' by Blair and Carr. In a moment of madness, the man realised he did not have to live under the sea, and instead killed Blair by shouting in his face so much, the air pressure made it cave in. As a result, Blair became disorientated and fell onto a person wielding a spike who was walking underneath the pier. The man was never found, but now people who show outstanding acts of stupidity are awarded the 'Lionel Blair Spike' by Alan Carr. Some say Blair is still alive, and that this was a stunt to gain Carr more exposure, as no one really wants to employ him. In 2008, he is set to make an appearance on cult TV show CSI: Swansea as a gay ex-comedian chippy owner.
He now presents a chat show 'Alan Carr : Batty Man' where he has various guests on and talks to them in a very homosexual way. Then when the show is over they go backstage and have bum sex.
Talent[edit | edit source]
Alan Carr is yet to prove any talent, but he can inhale helium, as he does frequently, which explains the high-pitch squeak phenomenon which has caused mass disruption in London.
Military Service[edit | edit source]
During the infamous Cabbage War of Czechoslovakia Alan Carr fought in the trenches near the town of Aberdeen, Zimbabwe. He fought with the 22nd Lincolnshire Cavaliers. Unfortunately, during a grenade attack in 1980 and a 1/2, his leg was blown off. He was rushed to hospital where a false leg was crafted for him using recycled bath tubs and blu tac. The false leg is now a regular guest on his show, "A Definitive Guide to Alarm Clocks."