Bass (voice)
The bass voice is the lowest human vocal type on earth. It ranges from D2 - D4 usually, but contrabass can go so far below, that sometimes the frequency produced can no longer be heard and can only be measured on the richter scale.
True bass voices are nowhere near as common as bog standard baritones who often growl to fake it. A true bass has no need to growl; and if they do, they could decimate a small village.
Discovering a bass voice[edit | edit source]
On reaching puberty, a bass will notice that somehow he got more of it than his peers. Everyone will notice. And this will make him feel very confident and manly. He might take up extreme sports of some sort just to prove this manliness to everybody else.
A true bass will therefore become smug and sing often as deep as he can at any opportunity. As he matures, all kinds of musicians will ask him if he is interested in joining their death metal band; and since death metal is such manly music, a bass will not turn down the offer.
Basses are manly men[edit | edit source]
You cannot tell a bass singer by the way he looks; only that they are definately not gay. Basses can be tiny or they can be 7 feet tall like Peter Steele from Type O Negative.
One thing that is common to them all, however, is that they know they have a voice that can literally sink ships and this makes them very proud because they realize that they are drowning in their own testosterone. A true bass may adopt a macho swagger to tell all the other men that he is such a manly, manly man.
A bass singer will normally have a bigger penis than other vocal types too, and he knows this fact as does everyone else.
There is something about a really deep voice that commands respect, take Christopher Lee for example. His bass voice gives him instant authority and importance that nobody can ignore even despite him being several centuries old.
Truly deep[edit | edit source]
Bass singers take such immense pride in their 'lower-than-thou' voices that some even train themselves to sing higher just to spite the baritone wanna-bes who try every day but fail to sing bass.
These so-called bass-baritones have seriously sick vocal ranges and will show off by going from normal baritone singing to vocally oblitterating the nearest building with decimating sound waves of around 9.8 on the Richter scale.
A common baritone who deluded himself into believing that he has a deep voice (normally because his usual company is his wife/girlfriend/mom so he is used to hearing a higher pitch as comparison), will break into a cold sweat upon hearing the void shattering bass notes, suddenly feel inadequete, and start to cry for his mother.
Lifestyle[edit | edit source]
The diet of a bass consists of alcohol, cigarettes, more alcohol, fried meat products, children, ex girlfriends, yet more alcohol and even more cigarettes.
Nobody knows why alcohol gives you a deeper voice though; but it is a fact that Russia has the most bass singers per capita. There are so many bass singers in Russia that they call baritones tenors over there.
Work[edit | edit source]
Basses are predominantly found working in scrubby jobs like mining and working in docks. This is because manual labor gives them bigger lung capacity and bigger muscles. You also find a lot of basses in the military. In fact vocal type it is one of the questions on military application forms. A recruitment officer will usually overlook a criminal record if the applicant is a bass. However, if they do not have a laboring job or are a member of the armed forces, basses will spend a lot of time lifting weights, cars, busses, tractors, ships...
Basses in the music industry[edit | edit source]
Opera? surely not...[edit | edit source]
A true bass only has operatic value as the bad guy. This is their only role. Most operatic basses come from Russia as a matter of fact...
Manly Music[edit | edit source]
Outside of opera, however, basses are in demand by all genres of heavy metal; particularly in the death metal sub genre, who are sick of cheap baritone imitations that only growl and cannot plunge into those dark, soul rending abyssal depths. One very successful bass singer is Till Lindemann from the German metal band Rammstein. This manly, manly genre of music requires bass voices. A Viking Metal band would be nowhere without the voice of Thor rattling the stage and destroying the mic.
Other avenues for basses include barbershop and Gospel; although in these departments, the bass will not be used to his fullest potential. Heavy metal is where it is at for a bass.
The voice of lovin[edit | edit source]
Basses can also be Barry White or that type of womaniser. Deep bass voices are known to attract women; particularly if you are a black guy. Paul Robeson was another black guy that sang bass, as is the chocolate rain guy, Tay Zonday. So if you are bass and you are white, you should sing death metal and if you are black you should use your voice to get yourself some lovin'...
Famous Basses[edit | edit source]
- Avi Kaplan