B-sharp major

In Western musical notation, B-sharp major is the ordered list of eight piano notes which not only begins with B-sharp (261.63 hertz), but also ends with B-sharp (523.25 hertz), and which follows the proper Western-civilized spacings of notes in the entirely non-foreign and musically-correct pattern dah dah dah DIT dah dah dah DIT.

In conventional alphabetic symbols, the notes of B-sharp major are (in ascending order):

B♯ - C♯♯ - D♯♯ - E♯ - F♯♯ - G♯♯ - A♯♯, which brings us back to B♯!

The intimidating key signature of B-sharp major. You may have to over-paint most of the white keys on your piano to black just to make sense of the unusual notation.

Key signature

The key signature of B-sharp major uses twelve (12) number symbols (colloquially designated "sharps") next to the big curly thing, and also another clustering of twelve (12) number symbols next to the not-so big curly big thing which lies directly underneath: for a grand total of 24 "sharps". What with the colossal number of notes which have to be individually sharpened (sometimes multiple times for a single note(!)), B-sharp major is arguably the most fiendishly difficult musical key to even attempt to play on the piano, let alone master. It has been conclusively hypothesized that the risk of painful injuries doubles with the unwarranted extension of each additional sharp and/or flat. Therefore, many modern musicians will just plain give up all hope at this point and cheat, transposing the whole damned thing to C major whilst pretending that all those ugly sharps don't even exist.

Standard finger position

The standard finger position for performing a piece written in B-sharp major is highly dependent on what specific kind of musical instrument the musician is playing it upon. For the piano, most professional music teachers recommend a sort of hybridization between the American sign-language sign for the Greek letter Xi and the Vulcan Death Grip; with the right middle finger resting upon the H♭ immediately below High C, and the left middle finger resting upon the central foot pedal. Unfortunately, this technique puts an enormous strain on all but the middle joint of the left pinky, not to mention a dangerous risk for rupture of the lower inuendum. If the unfortunate student manages to get through the complete lesson without passing out, he (or she) is rewarded with a passing grade (usually a C♭). Ambidexterians with extra fingers may be somewhat more adept at mastering the key of B-sharp major, but nobody wants to stare at a piano-playing freak of nature.

History

Origins

The origins of B-sharp major parallels, and even intersects, with the origins of many other musical keys. Gregorian chant introduced the first note of the scale, namely B♯ (261.63 Hz), which was more often than not mistaken for the closely related C♮ (261.64 Hz). Entire years passed while Gregorian chanters single-mindedly chanted that single note over and over again, or in endless monotonic drones, driving the people of the Dark Ages bat-shite crazy at some point. And thus the Dark Ages came to an end.

1685 saw the dawn of the Baroque Ages and the dawn of the musical printing press, which could spit out dozens of printed sharps and flats in record time and at low low prices. Johann "Sebastian" Bach took full advantage of the economic situation and composed his first 12-sharped composition for which he specially well-tempered his own hand-pumped organ. Bach's famous interlude in B-sharp major, entitled Interlude in B-sharp Major, drew rave reviews and quite a few shocked expressions when he first performed it openly in public; leading immediately to his arrest for "unnatural manhandling and abuse of an organ". Bach's organ was later confiscated and extracted from his tightly-clasped hands, which was summarily excommunicated by Pope Innocent the XIIIth and stored out of sight deep inside the Vatican Boys Punishment Squad's Chamber of Musical Education, where it remains to this day. And thus the Baroque Ages came to an end.

19th century revival

Comparatively few musical compositions have ever been successfully composed for B-sharp major, and even fewer of those have ever been successfully played to their logical conclusions. Seeing the associated sheet music for the first time (let alone playing it) is not a pleasant experience. Even the immortal Frédéric Chopin (1810-1849) was known to tremble with abject terror just by looking at such a scary musical score, which probably contributed to his untimely demise. During the latter part of the 19th century, early 19th century Austria-Hungary was hardest-hit by sadistic composers of impossible-to-play piano pieces. Many professional pianist fingers (amongst other extremities) were hopelessly entangled with one other in the great Hungarian Rhapsodial Wars, until such time that the Geneva Musical Convention outlawed such barbaric treatment of innocent fingers.

B. Bunny (1946), valiantly attempting to perform Rimsky-Korsakov's Attack of the Bumblebees in B-sharp Major.

20th century revival

In the beginning of the 20th century, the French penist pianist Claude Debussy arranged for many experiments with the higher-order key signatures (including the dreaded B-sharp major) on newly-designed experimental French pianos, with less than successful results. The battle-scarred musical equipment was subsequently salvaged by the fledgling Walt Disney Corporation, which incorporated it with combined live-animation and roto-scoped action in their musically-driven motion picture Fantasia 2: Electric Boogaloo. It flopped miserably. Bootleg versions of the film include a running commentary by Debussy, adding to the misery.

It was only with the advent of the avant-garde John Cage and his utter disregard for humanity itself that finally liberated the key of B-sharp major from all previous musical constraints. Cage's penultimate piece for piano, entitled Penultimate Piece for Piano, broke all records for B-sharpness and even broke into Casey Kasem's 1992 America's Top Ten (with the associated MTV music video playing around the clock nonstop on all cable channels). Fortunately, Cage took the original manuscript to Heaven with him when he was cremated alive, leaving nothing but worthless copies jam-packed with thousands of randomly-placed sharps and one fire-singed piano with only one of its black keys still attached.

21st century revival

As of 2019, the hopes and dreams for a 21st century revival of B-sharp major lie in the far far distant future. And thus the blood-drenched 21st century will, finally, come to an end.