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Heavy Baroque is a popular musical styling amongst modern youth.

“If it ain't baroque, don't fix it! ”

~ Vivaldi on every composer's favourite joke

“Rum ti ti tum tum tum tum taaa!”

~ A Conductor on drugs whilst conducting classical music

“What's baroque? It's all just classical stuff wiv violins and stuff, innit?”

~ Chav

Baroque is a form of musical composition made popular during the 16th century. Characterized by large, grandiose cadences and vulgar racial epithets. Baroque music is often considered to be overly elaborate and complicated. It's like trying to listen to four or five people talking all at the same time. With your head in a bucket of blancmange. Musicians of the day made up music as they played it, in a technique called "improvising", or "I forgot my music again so I'll just have to wing it".

Traditionally Baroque music is mostly favoured by rich people and individuals with names like Tortellini.

History of Baroque[edit]

Baroque was started by Italian people and some rebellious punk dudes in Rome who had nothing to do but protesting the ways of the renaissance, quickly protests got so bad that the king of Rome threw his dildo out the window and jumped into a stage ocean full of people just like those punk rock dudes who protest about anything. Some people say that you can trace Baroque back to the 1950s with 'Baroque and Roll', although many people say that this is quite removed from Baroque and that it is the music of Quiff People. Amongst his more famous pieces of work there are several stand out compositions including his signature piece "Fugue for your Lovin'"

Bach fell into bad ways after trying drugs and eventually shot himself in the head with a loaded trombone. However, Pink Baroque was kicking off and rose quickly in fame and popularity, mainly after swearing on TV. Leading this revolution was Mozart and the Sex Trombones, whose strange fixation with safety-pin collecting didn't seem to hinder their popularity. 1980s brought Glam Baroque, and some very strange makeup indeed. However, when all Glam Baroquers were taken by mistake by a circus, this faded as well. Baroque continues to grow today.

Types of Baroque[edit]

The Grand Piano/Marshall Stack combination is a familiar feature amongst Heavy Classical Baroque groups.
  • Baroque and Roll: nobody knows how this got named but this is probably the first mention of Baroque in history. It was compulsory to have a quiff to sing this music. Still popular with some people nowadays, like Star Trek and Pokemon are still popular with some people.
  • Pink Baroque: Played by bands like The Clash and The Sex Trombones. Musical skill required, none. Was probably considered risque then, nowadays the Sex Trombones just look old and outdated. Some big hits, like 'Hamster Save the Queen' and 'London's Appalling'.
  • Prog Baroque - basically its standard Baroque but in a strange time signature, featues a twentyseven minute mandolin solo and lyrics from a short story by J.R.R. Tolkien.
  • Glam Baroque Played by a load of creepy camp weirdos in monochrome facepaint or glittery jackets.
  • Hard Baroque or Heavy Baroque Same as Baroque, but louder.

Modal Tones[edit]

“"How the hell should I know??”

~ Bach on Modes and Tones

The Mode of Baroque is the most boring Mode ever. So boring that if you mention it you are condemning yourself to a death in Boring Hell. Nobody shall Ever mention it.


~ Captain Obvious on The Mode of Baroque