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From today's featured article [Feature an article]

You have to be ready for everything. What if, say, you were just hanging at the basketball court at the local park, playing a casual pick-up game with a few of your best friends? Suddenly, you hear the roar of a crowd as you are suddenly approached by an enormous interloper. Could the crowd be screaming for you? No, they are, in fact, awed by the presence of Shaquille O'Neal, who in turn challenges you to a game of one-on-one. If you possessed the hops of Aaron Carter, besting Shaq would be small potatoes, but since you are not A.C., you must be prepared with a thorough strategy to beat Shaq real bad and make him cry. This time, it's for real.

It is a modestly known fact that Shaquille O'Neal is a sensitive, malleable soul, so it is best to start your game with a damaging psych-out to his fragile mind. Typical trash talk will not suffice here; your words must be as caustic as acid to splinter the fabric of his melonesque head and unwind his tenuous confidence sweater. The following list of verbal bullets have been used with success against the hall-of-fame athlete: (Full article...)

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Did you know... [edit]

... that Canadian baseball (Pictured) is a thing?

... that Minecraft developers are flat earthers?
... that water is bad for your health because fish have sex in it?
... that rounding up sheep is easiest to the nearest ten?
... that I let the dogs out, and you can't do a goddamn thing about it?
... that not all of Ukraine is Russia, though Russia can't seem to tell?
... that under Communism, everyone gets a C?
... that midget cockpunching terrorists are a threat to America and her allies?

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In the news [edit]

Colombia Protests Exclusion from Eurovision; Britney Joins in Support (Pictured)
Ship captain who wrecked Baltimore bridge defeated by Upstate New York bridge
NFL imposes speed limit and bans trick plays
Forecast calls for a leapin' Lousy Smarch weather
Larry David gets Hinkled by Anti-Israel Protesters
Taylor Swift's favorite NFL team wins rigged Super Bowl, big whoop
Elon Musk plants brain chip into first human guinea pig
Climate activists ruin Jackson Pollock painting, no one notices
Stalemate in Ukraine: Zelenskyy flees for greener pastures
Steamboat Willie enters public domain, several Mickey Mouse horror films and games announced
Santa's Elves on strike
UnNews finally able to write obituaries for Shaft, Bull and Chandler
Will Barbenheimer beat JigSaw in his own game?

Ongoing: Russian Invasion · ABBA
Recent deaths: Akira Toriyama · M. Emmet Walsh · Louis Gossett Jr. · Hype around the eclipse · O. J. Simpson
Upcoming deaths: Kris Kristofferson · Jimmy Carter · Vladimir Putin · The U.S. Federal Budget · Richard Simmons · Kate Middleton · Market demand for White Broncos · God's curse on the Buffalo Bills (..maybe)

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On this day [edit]

May 3: Fungal Infection Awareness Day

1494 - Christopher Columbus invents Jamaica after having failed to discover a route into the East Indies.
1791 - The May Constitution of Poland is proclaimed by the Polish diet, only to be promptly superseded by the Atkins Diet.
1810 - Lord Byron swims the Hellespont, for which he is finally awarded his Silver swimming badge.
1815 - Neapolitan War: Chocolate, Vanilla, and Strawberry easily defeat plain frozen yogurt.
1987 - Robert Palmer develops an unhealthy addiction to love which will eventually prove terminal, seventeen years later.
2001 - The U.S. loses its seat on the U.N. Human Rights Commission for the first time since the commission was formed in 1947, after inventing the Big Mac.
2008 - Poland's official constitutional lawyer (Pictured) escapes from his compound.

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The Grue Crossing signs have proven to be an effective way to prepare drivers for an encounter.

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