You Are in Hell
You, <insert name here> (???? – 2024) were born several years ago and now you are in Hell.
You can whine and bitch about it, but it won't do any good. Because you are in Hell.
You at least want some questions answered?
Well, get used to suffering for eternity, sinner boy.
And that also goes for the smart bitch right there that just said "I'm not a boy". You're in Hell too, so be quiet.
Welcome to Hell
In your first and final venture into Hell, you may notice how the weather is burning hot, and how there are no rainy days or sunny days. Or more specifically, you may have noticed how the "weather" is designed to be painful. Be very alarmed. In fact, you may find in Hell that 100% of the painful sensations you felt before going to Hell are still here, and 0% of the good sensations you felt before going to Hell are still here.
Any hope of attaining water here is false. You also thought you were getting barbecue, but there is no barbecue, there is only potato salad with pineapples in it. Oh, you thought you were getting food in the first place! Any hope of attaining even potato salad with pineapple is also a mirage, you will starve to the point that you even crave that monstrosity of a side-dish.
Perhaps you have noticed a light shining way up in the distance. That is Heaven. Unfortunately for you, you can't go there. Because you sinned. Just think about all those happy people up there praising God for all eternity. But you can't go there. Because you're in Hell. As for any friends or family you had on Earth, they're probably glad you're gone.
Things to do while in Hell
Rinse and repeat. And go infinitely crazy while doing so.
You Are in Hell FAQ
- Q: I did good deeds sometimes in my life; when I wasn't raping people, murdering kids, starting cults, and sacrificing humans. Where do I cash in on this?
- A: This is Hell. You can't cash in on it. But you can cash in on your bad deeds.
- Q: How do I cash in on my bad deeds?
- A: Go to Satan and ask for a reward. He'll reward you...with some more torture.
- Q: How come the bad person gets a reward, but I don't?
- A: You are a bad person. Otherwise, you wouldn't be in Hell.
- Q: If I hadn't read this article, would I still be on Earth?
- A: Yes, but you would still go to Hell eventually.
- Q: Can I be a zombie?
- A: Now, no. But eventually, on Doomsday, when you'll be able to go back to Earth in the form of a zombie, yes.
- Q: What about a ghost?
- A: Ghosthood is only for the dead people that have unfinished business. Or for the dead people that need to right some wrongs.
- Q: What about me? Why can't I just right my wrongs instead of going to Hell?
- A: Because
LifeDeath isn't fair.
- Q: Vampire?
- A: No.
- Q: Werewolf?
- A: What do you think?
- Q: Animated skeleton?
- A: You ARE one now! And a bit extra crispy at this point too.
- Q: That's not fair! Why am I still in Hell when I'm a crispy, animated skeleton? I don't feel any better, I feel worse! Infinitely worse!
- A: I mean, it's what happens when you get set to Hell. Suck it up, loser.
- Q: My punishment is more than I can take! Can't I just be dead? I don't even believe in Hell! PUT ME OUT OF MY MISERYYYYYYY!
- A: Child, it doesn't work like that. All the deceased go to either heaven, hell, or somewhere in between. There is no nothing, with apologies to Richard Dawkins.
- Q: Jebus can still give me a bailout, right?
- A: It's Jesus. And sorry, it's a bit too late for that.
- Q: Or, or what if I meditated enough like Buddha to attain Nirvana?
- A: Also too late for that.
- Q: Or done the Five Pillars of Islam enough? Or gone full Jihad like I just did before I wound up here? I heard we get 72 virgins!
- A: A bit too late for the Five Pillars... and going full Jihad probably got you here in the first place. Real Muslims wouldn't go full Jihad.
- Q: Or offered enough sacrifices to the UnGod??
- A: Umm.. actually, you probably ended up here because you wasted your life sacrificing to UnGod too much. And also, UnGod is actually Sophia. So you wasted your life blaspheming Sophia with your false sacrifices.
Bye
 | This page was originally sporked from You Are Dead |
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| Drunk | Stoned | Handicapped | Comatose | Undead | Born again | Omnipotent | Eternally Damned |
