Whip scorpions
“SHIT SHIT SHIT SHIT SHIT!!!!!!!!!!!!”
“Those little shits are going down…”
“AWESOME!!!”
Whip scorpions, or Vinegaroons (yes it has something to do with vinegar), are nasty little spider/scorpion/xenomorph things that will hunt you down and kill you faster than Michael Phelps can swim the English Channel (2.59 miliseconds). Whip scorpions are closely related to Camel Spiders, although Camel Spiders are arguably more aggressive dickheads than Whip Scorpions, and Xenomorphs are much deadlier. Whip Scorpions have recently begun waging a full scale war on humanity, and disguise their aggression by claiming they “Just wanna give you a hug!”
History/Discovery[edit | edit source]
Whip Scorpions (or Vinegaroons) were first discovered on a derelict mining vessal in deep space by Ridley Scott. Ridley Scott decided that these would make great monsters for a movie and made Alien in 1979. Unfortunately critics decided that the Whip Scorpions were too damn creepy looking to put in the movie and were replaced by Xenomorphs. Since then, pissed off Whip Scorpions have invaded american homes in an attempt to spray vinegar on you (that’s right, all they can really do is spray vinegar on you, it’s not as hardcore as like, acid blood or something, but this is why they have such a large inferiority complex; because all they can do is spray vinegar at people. Oh and they have small penises too.) and your family then burn your house down. The US military retaliated by nuking large populations of Whip Scorpions, which was a stupid idea because all that did was make them bigger and radioactive. In an attempt to to make peace with the US, the Whip Scorpion leaders came up with a propaganda program claiming to the humans that they “Just wanna give you a hug.” The Whip Scorpion leaders used images of a childish adorable Whip Scorpion named Li’l Tomkins as the spokesperson for their propaganda.
Characteristics[edit | edit source]
“Yeah, I was actually on some pretty bad acid when I came up with those things”
They think they’re Xenomorphs. I don’t know why they do this, but if confronted, they’ll freaking run at you and spray you with vinegar in an attempt to kill you (but all it really does is irritate you a little, unless you’re deathly allergic to vinegar in which case GET A GUN!) As stated above, they have a gnarly inferiority complex, mainly because they have small penises. There’s nothing you can do to help it with this, just let it be pissed. They’re usually not deadly unless it’s one of the large 20+ feet tall radioactive ones, in which case, you’re going to need a bigger tank.
Hunting Methods[edit | edit source]
Vinegaroons are known to spray vinegar and eat whatever it kills, don’t let it be you. They’re also fond of running around air ducts near people with motion trackers who think they’re up against Xenomorphs, only to fly out at their faces; much to their relief because they know it’s not a Xenomorph. The general reaction to this is to stomp on it, shortly afterwards the real Xenomorph that’s been standing behind him for the past 5 minutes bites through his skull. PWND!
Vinegaroons also have been known to work in packs and trap their victims, especially the smaller ones due to the safety in larger numbers. Their favorite strategy is to send a single berserk whip scorpion at them and scare them away (no one knows why people actually run from these guys since they're pretty tiny…all bugs for that matter). The rest have already laid a trap out where ever their victim was heading, generally their gunsafe, and the second he/she opens said safe they all come pouring out into his/her mouth and rip him/her apart from the inside out. This is also Oprah's favorite sexual position.
How to Defend against a Whip Scorpion attack[edit | edit source]
“SHOOT IT SHOOT IT, SHIT SHIT SHIT MAN SHOOT THAT BITCH, NO NOT THE HANDGUN GET THE DAMN GRENADE LAUNCHER. QUICK IT SEES US HURRY TAKE THE DAMN SAFETY OFF SHOO.....*dead*”
"What should I do if I'm confronted with a whip scorpion?" you ask. Well there are a few methods of retaliation when posed with sudden death from a whip scorpion; remember, keep calm and you'll keep your head…yes the little one too. The first step is being prepared and knowing what you're up against. If it's just a little one go ahead and squash it (unless you're allergic to vinegar in which case I'd acquire a shotgun). However, if it's one of those 20 footers than it is advised you develop some sort of plan of retaliation. Tanks work well but are often to subtle for dealing with something of such gargantuan proportions as the monster Vinegaroons. One may ask "could Chuck Norris settle my vinegaroon woes?" and I answer: probably not. That's right, even Chuck Norris can't handle the radioactive whip scorpions. This means only one thing for your sorry ass: RUN LIKE HELL YOU DIPSHIT. DON'T YOU TURN AROUND, RUN BEFORE IT GETS YOU AND YOUR CHILDREN TOO…well actually you should leave them as a distraction…BUT KEEP RUNNING.
House Hold Uses[edit | edit source]
If you grab one, shake it around 'til it gets really pissed, and hold it over your food, it adds a zesty vinegar kick to it! You can use this to marinate chicken, or as a portable vinegar dispenser. They’re also great for the kids! Leave your young child in a room full of them and they’ll be crying tears of joy in no time! You can also fry 'em salt 'em and you got salt and vinegar potato chips, yum! Whip scorpions also make marvelous ornamental pieces and are a wonderful addition to any home decor enthusiast. You can hang them from your Christmas tree, place them on your mantle with your family portraits, place them near your door mat and of course use them as paper holders (assuming they don't scuttle off with the paper).
Attempts at World Domination[edit | edit source]
The Whip Scorpions "I just wanna give you a hug" campaign is clearly all a lie; all they really "wanna" do is take over the world. Whip scorpions have regularly made attempts at eradicating the human race throughout history and still do to this day. Many terrorist attacks can trace their roots to secret whip scorpion societies that are often in league with terrorist groups, including PETA. Lately the vinegaroon capitol city, Reno, Nevada has launched multiple campaigns of destruction on the nearby populace (oh wait, there's no one near, well never mind pretend there is). These attacks were attributed to the vinegaroon's rise in power and immediate military action was taken to quell the attacks.
Attacks on New York city have also occurred throughout the centuries, you just don't remember them because you were to busy gorging yourself on hot-dogs and beer at the Yankees stadium. Obama has also accepted the endorsement of him by the whip scorpion nation, showing a clear sign of his motives.